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May 11, 2007

Americans and Galicians

This was originally sent to me from a Spanish friend, hopefully the humour is not lost in translation.

(FYI Galicia is a coastal region of Spain)

An ALLEGED conversation between Americans and Galicians recorded off the coast of Finisterre, Galicia.

<Transmission begins> 

"This is A-853, please change your course fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us. You are coming straight towards us, distance 25 nautical miles."

"We recommend that you change your course fifteen degrees North to avoid a collision."

"Negative. We repeat, change your course fifteen degrees south to avoid a collision."

"You are talking to the captain of a ship of the United States of America. We insist you turn your course fifteen degrees North to avoid a collision."

"We do not consider that feasible or advisable, we suggest that you change your course fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us."

American (very angry):
"You are talking to Captain Richard James Howard, at the bridge of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln of the USA Navy, the second biggest warship of the North American fleet. We are escorted by two battleships, three destroyers, five cruisers, four submarines and numerous amphibious support vessels. We are on our way to the Persian Gulf to prepare military manoeuvres before a possible attack on Iraq.
I am not suggesting, I am ordering you to change your course fifteen degrees North! Otherwise we will be forced to take any measures necessary to guarantee both the safety of this ship and the force of this coalition. You belong to an allied country and a member of NATO, so obey immediately and get out of our way!"

"You are speaking to Jose Manuel Otero-Rivas. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, our food, two beers and a canary that is currently asleep.  We have the support of Radio Coruňa FM and Channel 16 for marine emergencies. We are not intending to move anywhere as we are speaking to you from the mainland, from lighthouse A-853 of Finisterre on the coast of Galicia, and we don’t have a f*cking clue what our ranking is of Spanish lighthouses.
You may take whatever measures you consider opportune and bloody well feel like to guarantee the safety of your goddamn ship, which is about to shred itself on the rocks, but what we continue to insist and suggest as the best, most sane and more recommendable course of action, is to turn fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us."

"OK. Received. Thank you."

<End of transmission>

I like :D 


May 02, 2007

Things To Do After You Die

I don't know about everybody else, but some lists of "Things to do before you die" drive me mad. I am never going to make it to the moon ok?! Nor am I any more likely to see the Titanic in person or climb mount everest. And those are the better suggestions. Some are plain insane. Surely anyone with two braincells to rub together can tell that "lighting a match with a rifle" is probably going to be the last thing they do before they die! It just makes me want to poke the authors in the face with a blunt spoon until they get a nasty looking red patch on their cheek and tell me to stop.

It is rather biased. After all, I'm going to be dead for a hell of a lot longer than I'll be alive; infinitely so in fact. A little preparation wouldn't hurt... Oh well, revision insanity last year helped to compile this list and I've only just rediscovered it, so here it is. If you're sure the exams are going to kill you this year then get reading...

Things To Do After You Die 

  1. Be buried
  2. Be cremated
  3. Be made into a glass paperweight
  4. Be buried at sea
  5. Be fed to wild animals
  6. Have a wax deathmask made
  7. Get stuffed
  8. Be shot into outer space
  9. Be mummified
  10. Be used to stuff a plush toy
  11. Have yourself scattered somewhere
  12. Be served as lunch
  13. Donate your organs for transplantation
  14. Donate your body to science
  15. Have yourself pumped full of resin then dissolved in acid so that only your cardiovascular system is preserved
  16. Leave everything to a cat
  17. Put conditions in your will a la “the Bachelor”
  18. Be recreated as a waxwork statue
  19. Have a monument built in your memory
  20. Poison your wake and bring them all with you
  21. Be set on fire
  22. Be twung from between two trees in a sling
  23. Leave behind a long list of secrets you said you’d take to your grave
  24. Haunt someone
  25. Possess someone
  26. Misplace the family’s TV/VCR remotes
  27. Curse someone
  28. Come back to life three days later
  29. Ask to be carted away like in the middle ages
  30. Be entombed beneath a pyramid
  31. Get shipped off to somewhere tropical
  32. Become a zombie
  33. Be cryogenically frozen
  34. Have your head put in a jar
  35. Be eaten by piranhas
  36. Be turned into a firework
  37. Have you ashes compressed into a diamond
  38. Pre-order a grave statue that gestures obscenely at passers-by
  39. Hire professional mourners to out-mourn your family
  40. Be stuffed with sweets and strung up like a piňata
  41. Be reincarnated
  42. Request a circus themed funeral
  43. Be buried in drag
  44. Undergo saponification
  45. Pre-order a novelty cock-shaped wreath for the funeral
  46. Imply it was murder on your deathbed
  47. Leave a note for someone saying “You’re next”
  48. Hire a swedish deathmetal group to perform at the wake
  49. Have an entire subsection of your will dedicated to the distribution of your porn collection
  50. Invent somebody in your will
  51. Line your coffin with money and take it all with you
  52. Request to be buried with a packed lunch “for the trip”
  53. Have a traditional tibetan burial and be ground up and fed to vultures
  54. Be preserved seated in the lotus position and covered in gold
  55. Have your bones made into a chandelier
  56. Play UNO with Jesus (and win)


May 01, 2007

The Something Random Guide to: Making Vodka Jellies

Follow-up to The Something Random Guide to: Making A Vodka Infusion. from Something Random

I figure it's about time i did a follow-up, especially with post-exam-celebration season looming!

Vodka Jellies

In the interest of thorough scientific practice I’m expanding my collection of alcohol related recipes by adding the immortal creation that is “Something Random’s Perfect Jelly Shot”. This recipe is still largely unknown among my friends, one reason for this being that those who encounter the fabled shots do tend to experience a certain amount of amnesia the following morning. But regardless of the memory-loss everyone agrees that they taste amazing; even if they still can’t understand how they managed to fall asleep on the floor curled up around a small potted plant and with their hand taped to a spatula.

As always read through completely before you start and make sure there is plenty of kitchen roll to hand just in case. It may not be the definitive recipe but it 's fast and simple and hasn't let me down yet.


8 packets of jelly (where each packet is to make 1 pint)
1 x 70cl bottle of vodka (again cheap wodka is fine, you won’t notice)
2 x 225g bags haribo tangfastics
1 clean empty bottle with lid
About 40 shot glasses (the usual size for jellies is 6.5cl = 2.3 fl.oz.)


    1. Open the tangfastics and separate out the cherries. Put these to one side and feed the others to your minions/housemates/dog. At this stage in the proceedings there are usually a lot of minions loitering around – they sense the haribo.
    2. Cut up the cherries, separating the green and red parts. Again, feed the green leftovers to your minions. Further cut up the red bits and put them in a bowl on one side.
    3. Now turn to the vodka. Pour about a third of it into the other bottle to be stored temporarily.
    4. Transfer the chopped up cherries into the original vodka bottle. This is easiest done slowly and by hand because the pieces are so sticky. Any attempts to use a funnel will just result in a mess as it will get blocked and you’ll have to free it with a chopstick.
    5. Run a sink/bucket full of hot water and place this bottle in it. Ensure the lid is on tightly enough to prevent any leakage.
    6. At intervals invert the bottle and shake gently to facilitate the dissolving of the cherries. Vodka is a solvent so this shouldn’t take too long. If at this point the cherries are still not dissolving try putting a bit of the excess vodka back in the bottle.
    7. Once completely dissolved remove from the water and place to one side to cool
    8. Next make the jelly. There are various methods of doing this, using a microwave or a large pan on a low heat. Either are valid but it’s important to use as little water as feasibly possible. This will help to speed up the cooling down when you come to add the rest of the water.
    9. When the jelly is all liquid take it off the heat and add cold water (and ice cubes if you have them) to cool it down. By now the mixture should have a volume of no more than 2 pints. If there are more than two pints of jelly at this point there is a risk that the jelly will not set.
    10. Add the cherry vodka and the spare stored vodka then top up the volume to a total of 4 pints. The best way of doing this is by measuring the mixture&vodka out a pint at a time with a measuring jug (or pint-sized container eg a glass milk bottle) then topping up at the end with the appropriate amount of water.
    11. Set out the glasses in a grid on a baking tray and fill them with about 50 ml each. This should allow for about 35-40 jellies and will also make each of them as strong as a standard 25ml shot of vodka. Let people know this because its hard to judge the strength of the shots from taste alone the sweetness makes it very misleading!
    12. Put the trays of jellies on a level surface in the fridge to set, then take them out and enjoy!

    Points to remember:

    • Most jellies contain pork extract, however there are varieties available that dont. This is something to bear in mind if you are catering for vegetarians.
    • I have also seen sugarfree brands and jelly powders in sachets. These should work fine but unless youve done a test run first consider making them a little in advance in case something goes wrong.
    • If worst comes to worst and the jellies refuse to set it is possible to cheat by chilling them in the freezer until they solidify some more. Be careful, too much time in the freezer and they are liable to freeze round the edges. This ruins the texture of the jelly.
    • If youve really messed up and its staying liquid, it is possible to stage a last ditch attempt at rescue by pouring the jellies back together again and adding a couple more packets of jelly before returning them to their individual glasses. However this is something that would be better off avoided as not only does it make an awful mess of both the glasses and your kitchen but it also wastes a lot of the mix.


    Two rounds of this recipe will use:

    2x70cl cheap vodka £13.00
    4bags haribo £4
    16 packets jelly £3.50
    glasses (100 incP&P) £10.00

    Which should come to about £30.50 in total.

    Or £0.38 per jelly which, I think youll agree, is pretty good going for party fodder - especially considering they're the equivalent of a shot each.

    Ive not yet had the opportunity to work out the calories or weight watchers points per jelly shot but will do so at the next available opportunity.


    April 29, 2007

    Back to the fold

    Well it's only taken me three months to get my username back. And although it would have been a lot faster if I'd bothered to email when I discovered the problem, It would have been even simpler if the WGA hadn't deleted me. Call me fussy but some kind of notice would have been nice. Maybe a letter or a post-it, or a note with some flowers or even a thorntons egg carefully iced with the message "kiss your blog byebye". At least then I could have eaten the bad news as a festive snack. :/ Ah well. I'm back. Like the unwanted dandylion in the middle of your pristine lawn. Ahahaha... :)


    February 20, 2007


    This is just too awesome to remain unblogged. It would seem that my brother is a creative genius with rice, this is his latest masterpiece – Jimi Hendrix, made entirely from uncooked rice placed on his campus bedroom carpet. Teh Win is it not?

    Rice Hendrix Inverted

    This is the inverted image. For the original click here

    M xxx

    EDIT: Also, why am I almost one third of the hot topics? What is up with everyone? This is unnatural…

    February 14, 2007

    Mmmm Topical Repost


    If February 14th is for couples, just remember that February 15th is everyone elses turn to celebrate; so use the opportunity to buy a nice big box of reduced chocolates to treat that special someone in your life - you.

    Or just stock up with cards and fluffy crap for next year. Y'know. Whatever.

    M xxx

    February 13, 2007

    Hell Yes!

    Follow-up to Dear Mr/Ms World from Something Random

    As of the 5th of March Mia will be officially EMPLOYED.


    E   M   P   L   O   Y   E   D   .

    Parfait Amour celebrations will commence ahead of schedule, as will much bubble-bathage, pampering and singing musicals/radio karaoke out loud. Then after a while it will really sink in and I will have to have a little lie down I guess. Wow. Fucking hell. A Job. With many shiny pennies. and a health plan. Christ.

    This is a big thing after all that being poor and tesco-value-ness.

    I think I might have to have that lie down first... 


    M xxx 

    February 11, 2007

    Fingers on buzzers…

    parfait amourSo, how many "first posts" will be made on wednesday? Any guesses? Will the stats peak like a 7.2 on the Richter scale? Hopefully it won't be as tragic as I expect, although it would prove to be one of the few times my pessimism has let me down.

    Still, I can't help but feel optimistic this week, for on top of the prospect of imminent employment I will at last get to spend the 14th with my true love. Which definitely beats last year (when I was forced, by circumstance, to spend it with my brother - I'm sure he was equally thrilled) and, come to think of it, the other preceeding twenty...  But finally on wednesday I'll get to snuggle up with my darling, my treasure, my "Parfait Amour" - all 70 neon-violet centilitres of it. Bliss.

    M xxx

    February 05, 2007

    On Bettering Oneself

    I used to read a book a day, and now I’ve sunk to such levels that I’m lucky if I manage a book a year. It bothers me so much that I’ve set myself the task of bridging this literary deficit as quickly as possible, starting with “To Kill a Mocking Bird”.

    What are the classics that you would consider unmissable reading? Are there any books that changed your life or worldview? I’m giving myself a year to get through as many suggestions as possible…

    And yes Hughes, Catch 22 is on the list already.

    M xxx


    Should read:
    1984 – George Orwell
    A Farewell To Arms - Ernest Hemingway
    A Million Little Pieces - James Fray
    A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
    American Psycho - Bret Easton Ellis
    Animal Farm – Orwell
    Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
    Between Silk and Cyanide – Leo Marks
    Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
    Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
    Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
    Coming Up For Air – George Orwell
    Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
    Don Quixote - Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra
    Down and Out in Paris and London - George Orwell
    Emma - Jane Austen
    Everything Is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran Foer
    Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Jonathan Safran Foer
    Flowers for Algernon – Daniel Keyes
    Going Solo - Roald Dahl
    Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
    His Dark Materials - Phillip Pullman
    Homage To Catalonia - George Orwell
    How Green Was My Valley - Richard Llewellyn
    I am Legend - Richard Matheson
    I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings – Maya Angelou
    Jonathan Strange & Mr Norell - Susanna Clarke
    Mrs Dalloway - Virginia Woolf
    Once in a House on Fire - Andrea Ashworth
    One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest - Ken Kesey
    One Hundred Years Of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
    Paddy Clarke Ha, Ha, Ha – Roddy Doyle
    Romance Of The Three Kingdoms - Lo Kuan-Chung and C.H. Brewitt-Taylor
    Sandman - Neil Gaiman
    Sophie’s World – Jostein Gaarder
    Tess D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
    The Bonfire of the Vanities
    – Tom Wolfe
    The Count Of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
    The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time – Mark Haddon
    The Day of the Triffids - John Wyndham
    The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test - Tom Wolfe
    The Forever War
    The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
    The God Delusion – Richard Dawkins
    The Kite Runner – Khaleid Hosseini
    The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
    The Outsider - Albert Camus
    The Selfish Gene – Richard Dawkins
    The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
    Transmetropolitan - Warren Ellis
    War And Peace
    - Leo Tolstoy
    Wind Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami
    Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert M. Pirsig

    Currently reading: Neither Here Nor There - Bill Bryson
    & The Sound Of Laughter - Peter Kay

    Have read:
    To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
    Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
    The Last Continent - Terry Pratchett (I fell off the waggon...)
    Small Gods - Terry Pratchett (I fell off the waggon again...)
    The Discworld Companion - Terry Pratchett (And again...)
    Colony - Rob Grant (Screw the waggon.)
    Northern Lights - Philip Pullman
    As I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning - Laurie Lee
    The Lost Continent - Bill Bryson

    January 17, 2007


    I have been provided with a fine assortment of spirits from the drinks cabinet to cater for my mother's posh dinner party this saturday but find myself at a loss when it comes to cocktail recipes. What are your tried and tested favourites? Leave recipes with the comments (especially if they include spirits off the list) and I will use them to experiment on all the guests.

    Le Alcohols:

    1. Absinthe
    2. Advocaat
    3. Apricot Liqueur
    4. Aquavit
    5. Baileys
    6. Blue Curacao
    7. Bols Parfait Amour
    8. Brandy
    9. Cream of Aniseed
    10. Cream Sherry
    11. Galliano
    12. Gin Mahon & Dry
    13. Martini Rosso
    14. Moscatel
    15. Peach Schnapps
    16. Pimm's No.1
    17. Pina Colada
    18. Rum
    19. Tequila
    20. Tintilla
    21. Triple Sec Curacao
    22. Vermouth Bianco
    23. Vodka
    24. Whisky

    My personal favourite involves a large bottle of Baileys and a glass. 

    M xxx 

    January 10, 2007

    Product vs. Process

    The Painting

    He was a little boy
    And he was going to paint.
    “What are you going to paint?”
    Asked the teacher.

    “The sky,” replied the little boy
    And he picked up the brush
    And dipped it into the paint
    And painted a big blue sky
    With a big yellow sun.

    Then he turned around for
    The teacher’s approval
    But she moved on
    To another little boy.

    Then the little boy
    Remembered the sky at dawn
    With pink fluffy clouds
    And a soft grey background.

    So he dipped his brush
    Into the pink and grey
    And painted the sky at dawn.
    But he’s seen other skies –
    The sky at sunset
    All red and orange and purple
    So he painted the sky at sunset
    Streaked with red
    And orange and purple
    And all the colours ran
    Into each other
    And the paper was very wet.

    Then he painted the sky at night
    And he dipped his brush
    Into the dark blue
    And studded the paper with
    White stars and a yellow moon
    And the sky before a storm
    Angry and grey and dark,
    And then he put down his brush
    And stood back
    Looking at what he had done

    And that the colours had all run together,
    All the blue and the pinkand
    Red and orange and purple
    And yellow
    And had made a grey wet mess

    “Goodness,” said the teacher
    When she came back,
    “That doesn’t look like the sky.”

    But the little boy didn’t care.
    It was exactly how
    He wanted it
    And he carefully put the painting
    Away to dry.

    by Winnie Pe##, 198#*
    * unfortunately the only copy I have is very old and some letters were cut off the original by the photocopier.

    Taking a look at some of the most recent blog images reminded me to post it. I wish I had read it when I was doing my A Levels and constantly getting criticism for not sharing the same vision as my art teacher; maybe things would have turned out differently. For starters I wouldn’t experience the urge to be sick every time I see a vase of dying flowers.

    M xxx

    January 09, 2007


    How to get it write.

    1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
    3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
    4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
    5. Avoid clichés like the plague.
    6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
    7. Be more or less specific.
    8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
    9. One should never generalise.
    10. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
    11. Don’t use no double negatives.
    12. Eschew ampersands, & abbreviations etc.
    13. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
    14. Understatement is always the best way to put forward earth shaking ideas.
    15. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
    16. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    17. Who need rhetorical questions?
    18. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
    19. One word sentences? Eliminate.
      And finally…
    20. Proof read carefully to see if you any words out.


    :) M xxx

    January 08, 2007

    Oh and another thing

    I disappeared for a while. But I now have hot steaming broadband being pumped straight into my room, so love me or hate me I’m back; Funnier, cuter and even more outrageously employable than before. Cue 24/7 msn in t minus 9 hours… well, a girl has to sleep

    Dear Mr/Ms World


    Just give me a goddamn job already.

    Not that I’m impatient or anything.

    Lots of love,


    December 13, 2006



    November 27, 2006


    Writing about web page http://www.joinees.org/k4/

    Random Acts of Kindness

    Oxford Street, 2-4pm Saturday 2nd December 2006

    Free Hugs!

    Just to get you in the mood…

    thanks to the blogger who posted this video a while back, but I couldn’t find your post!

    November 23, 2006

    Moving house (I wish I was)

    I need to move. The urge is as strong as the one that makes geese fly stupid distances to warmer climes over the winter. So far after aaages of looking I’ve found a place not only nearby but over a pub and it’s free! woo-ha! (in return for a little barwork which I couldn’t care less about). Hot damn ladies and gents, hot damn. unfortunately it’s for two, but I don’t think my aura will count as another unit of Mia. So the search continues, but what an awesome find eh? Can’t wait to get job and consequently get money’d. rah.


    November 21, 2006

    Electric six: Danger! Danger!...

    ...Political Correctness!

    Why does Radio 1 do this to me? Some genius suggests to the DJ that they play “Gay Bar”. And they did. I was genuinely overjoyed and proceeded to “get down and boogie” as is my custom.


    To my shock and horror they edited out the words.

    Was it the sentence “Do you have any money? I’m going to take all your money!” that offended them? No.

    So it must have been the outrageous “I’ve got something to put in you! at the gay bar!” surely?! No.

    They got rid of “let’s start a nuclear war!”

    Are they worried that the general public will take it too seriously? That people will start protesting “Let’s start a war! oh pretty pretty please!”. They must be really concerned that people are going to take it to heart. These five little words that come from a band that also gave us the tracks “Naked Pictures Of Your Mother”, “I Buy The Drugs” and “Chocolate Pope”. Clearly a group begging to be taken seriously on the international political scale.

    I was speechless. This world has gone insane, or this country at least. I mean, good grief, the song is called “Gay Bar” for god’s sake, It’s not exactly Byron. I think somebody in the upper eschelons of the BBC must have pulled their pants on too quickly this morning, or at least I hope that’s the reason beause I am losing faith in the world quickly enough without these trifling acts of stupidity.


    M xxx

    November 13, 2006

    Study Group?

    Radio 1 Newsbeat keep on mentioning reports from the American “Iraq Study Group”, and I’m sure I can’t be the only person picturing these teenage officials sitting round a desk in the library in their lunch hour with a basket of home-baked muffins – Legally Blonde style. I just can’t help it. Couldn’t they have picked something more official sounding like “Iraq Critical Research Analyst Group” or something, I thought that was what business buzzwords were invented for?

    M xxx

    November 07, 2006

    Impulse Purchases.

    I am a rare creature indeed in that the *less* important something is the *more* time I seem to lavish on it. I can spend an hour debating over the various merits of a mocha frescato vs an amaretto one. waste eons deciding on menus, nail varnish, adjectives and socks; Millennia on penny sweets. And then bought a car on ebay in a couple of seconds. Christ. And seeing how my parents bought a house in a day, I guess it’s genetic. Still, now I am armed with une voiture! wooha! And when I switched it on it started playing Muse at me; twas love at first sound. I get urges to run outside and pet it.

    It was scary tho. My first unaccompanied trip consisted of 40 minutes driving out of the outskirts of London in the dark in an unfamiliar car on huge roads just after rush hour. Very much thrown in at the deep end but I (and the beast) survived. And yes the beast – for it is identical to the baby but with two more doors. And another thing, the insurance lady drove me nuts with the car doors. 4 + 1 = 5. FIVE goddamnit…

    And as thought of the day, why do blaspheming swearwords not merit an ”*”, for I’ve never ever seen it in my life and I was wondering.
    eg. “Chr*stw*gg*ns”, “Chr*st-on-a-B*ke”

    The Beast