Americans and Galicians

This was originally sent to me from a Spanish friend, hopefully the humour is not lost in translation.

(FYI Galicia is a coastal region of Spain)

An ALLEGED conversation between Americans and Galicians recorded off the coast of Finisterre, Galicia.

<Transmission begins> 

Galician:
"This is A-853, please change your course fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us. You are coming straight towards us, distance 25 nautical miles."

American:
"We recommend that you change your course fifteen degrees North to avoid a collision."

Galician:
"Negative. We repeat, change your course fifteen degrees south to avoid a collision."

American:
"You are talking to the captain of a ship of the United States of America. We insist you turn your course fifteen degrees North to avoid a collision."

Galician:
"We do not consider that feasible or advisable, we suggest that you change your course fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us."

American (very angry):
"You are talking to Captain Richard James Howard, at the bridge of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln of the USA Navy, the second biggest warship of the North American fleet. We are escorted by two battleships, three destroyers, five cruisers, four submarines and numerous amphibious support vessels. We are on our way to the Persian Gulf to prepare military manoeuvres before a possible attack on Iraq.
I am not suggesting, I am ordering you to change your course fifteen degrees North! Otherwise we will be forced to take any measures necessary to guarantee both the safety of this ship and the force of this coalition. You belong to an allied country and a member of NATO, so obey immediately and get out of our way!"

Galician:
"You are speaking to Jose Manuel Otero-Rivas. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, our food, two beers and a canary that is currently asleep.  We have the support of Radio Coruňa FM and Channel 16 for marine emergencies. We are not intending to move anywhere as we are speaking to you from the mainland, from lighthouse A-853 of Finisterre on the coast of Galicia, and we don’t have a f*cking clue what our ranking is of Spanish lighthouses.
You may take whatever measures you consider opportune and bloody well feel like to guarantee the safety of your goddamn ship, which is about to shred itself on the rocks, but what we continue to insist and suggest as the best, most sane and more recommendable course of action, is to turn fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us."

American:
"OK. Received. Thank you."

<End of transmission>

I like :D 

Mx 

: 11 May 2007 22:14 |  Comments (19) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Things To Do After You Die

I don't know about everybody else, but some lists of "Things to do before you die" drive me mad. I am never going to make it to the moon ok?! Nor am I any more likely to see the Titanic in person or climb mount everest. And those are the better suggestions. Some are plain insane. Surely anyone with two braincells to rub together can tell that "lighting a match with a rifle" is probably going to be the last thing they do before they die! It just makes me want to poke the authors in the face with a blunt spoon until they get a nasty looking red patch on their cheek and tell me to stop.

It is rather biased. After all, I'm going to be dead for a hell of a lot longer than I'll be alive; infinitely so in fact. A little preparation wouldn't hurt... Oh well, revision insanity last year helped to compile this list and I've only just rediscovered it, so here it is. If you're sure the exams are going to kill you this year then get reading...

Things To Do After You Die 

1. Be buried
2. Be cremated
3. Be made into a glass paperweight
4. Be buried at sea
5. Be fed to wild animals
6. Have a wax deathmask made
7. Get stuffed
8. Be shot into outer space
9. Be mummified
10. Be used to stuff a plush toy
11. Have yourself scattered somewhere
12. Be served as lunch
13. Donate your organs for transplantation
14. Donate your body to science
15. Have yourself pumped full of resin then dissolved in acid so that only your cardiovascular system is preserved
16. Leave everything to a cat
17. Put conditions in your will a la “the Bachelor”
18. Be recreated as a waxwork statue
19. Have a monument built in your memory
20. Poison your wake and bring them all with you
21. Be set on fire
22. Be twung from between two trees in a sling
23. Leave behind a long list of secrets you said you’d take to your grave
24. Haunt someone
25. Possess someone
26. Misplace the family’s TV/VCR remotes
27. Curse someone
28. Come back to life three days later
29. Ask to be carted away like in the middle ages
30. Be entombed beneath a pyramid
31. Get shipped off to somewhere tropical
32. Become a zombie
33. Be cryogenically frozen
34. Have your head put in a jar
35. Be eaten by piranhas
36. Be turned into a firework
37. Have you ashes compressed into a diamond
38. Pre-order a grave statue that gestures obscenely at passers-by
39. Hire professional mourners to out-mourn your family
40. Be stuffed with sweets and strung up like a piňata
41. Be reincarnated
42. Request a circus themed funeral
43. Be buried in drag
44. Undergo saponification
45. Pre-order a novelty cock-shaped wreath for the funeral
46. Imply it was murder on your deathbed
47. Leave a note for someone saying “You’re next”
48. Hire a swedish deathmetal group to perform at the wake
49. Have an entire subsection of your will dedicated to the distribution of your porn collection
50. Invent somebody in your will
51. Line your coffin with money and take it all with you
52. Request to be buried with a packed lunch “for the trip”
53. Have a traditional tibetan burial and be ground up and fed to vultures
54. Be preserved seated in the lotus position and covered in gold
55. Have your bones made into a chandelier
56. Play UNO with Jesus (and win)

: 02 May 2007 08:00 |  Comments (3) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

The Something Random Guide to: Making Vodka Jellies

Follow-up to The Something Random Guide to: Making A Vodka Infusion. from Something Random

I figure it's about time i did a follow-up, especially with post-exam-celebration season looming!

Vodka Jellies

In the interest of thorough scientific practice I’m expanding my collection of alcohol related recipes by adding the immortal creation that is “Something Random’s Perfect Jelly Shot”. This recipe is still largely unknown among my friends, one reason for this being that those who encounter the fabled shots do tend to experience a certain amount of amnesia the following morning. But regardless of the memory-loss everyone agrees that they taste amazing; even if they still can’t understand how they managed to fall asleep on the floor curled up around a small potted plant and with their hand taped to a spatula.

As always read through completely before you start and make sure there is plenty of kitchen roll to hand just in case. It may not be the definitive recipe but it 's fast and simple and hasn't let me down yet.

Ingredients:

8 packets of jelly (where each packet is to make 1 pint)
1 x 70cl bottle of vodka (again cheap wodka is fine, you won’t notice)
2 x 225g bags haribo tangfastics
1 clean empty bottle with lid
Water
About 40 shot glasses (the usual size for jellies is 6.5cl = 2.3 fl.oz.)

Method:

1. Open the tangfastics and separate out the cherries. Put these to one side and feed the others to your minions/housemates/dog. At this stage in the proceedings there are usually a lot of minions loitering around – they sense the haribo.
2. Cut up the cherries, separating the green and red parts. Again, feed the green leftovers to your minions. Further cut up the red bits and put them in a bowl on one side.
3. Now turn to the vodka. Pour about a third of it into the other bottle to be stored temporarily.
4. Transfer the chopped up cherries into the original vodka bottle. This is easiest done slowly and by hand because the pieces are so sticky. Any attempts to use a funnel will just result in a mess as it will get blocked and you’ll have to free it with a chopstick.
5. Run a sink/bucket full of hot water and place this bottle in it. Ensure the lid is on tightly enough to prevent any leakage.
6. At intervals invert the bottle and shake gently to facilitate the dissolving of the cherries. Vodka is a solvent so this shouldn’t take too long. If at this point the cherries are still not dissolving try putting a bit of the excess vodka back in the bottle.
7. Once completely dissolved remove from the water and place to one side to cool
8. Next make the jelly. There are various methods of doing this, using a microwave or a large pan on a low heat. Either are valid but it’s important to use as little water as feasibly possible. This will help to speed up the cooling down when you come to add the rest of the water.
9. When the jelly is all liquid take it off the heat and add cold water (and ice cubes if you have them) to cool it down. By now the mixture should have a volume of no more than 2 pints. If there are more than two pints of jelly at this point there is a risk that the jelly will not set.
10. Add the cherry vodka and the spare stored vodka then top up the volume to a total of 4 pints. The best way of doing this is by measuring the mixture&vodka out a pint at a time with a measuring jug (or pint-sized container eg a glass milk bottle) then topping up at the end with the appropriate amount of water.
11. Set out the glasses in a grid on a baking tray and fill them with about 50 ml each. This should allow for about 35-40 jellies and will also make each of them as strong as a standard 25ml shot of vodka. Let people know this because it’s hard to judge the strength of the shots from taste alone – the sweetness makes it very misleading!
12. Put the trays of jellies on a level surface in the fridge to set, then take them out and enjoy!

Points to remember:

• Most jellies contain pork extract, however there are varieties available that don’t. This is something to bear in mind if you are catering for vegetarians.
• I have also seen sugarfree brands and jelly powders in sachets. These should work fine but unless you’ve done a test run first consider making them a little in advance in case something goes wrong.
• If worst comes to worst and the jellies refuse to set it is possible to cheat by chilling them in the freezer until they solidify some more. Be careful, too much time in the freezer and they are liable to freeze round the edges. This ruins the texture of the jelly.
• If you’ve really messed up and it’s staying liquid, it is possible to stage a last ditch attempt at rescue by pouring the jellies back together again and adding a couple more packets of jelly before returning them to their individual glasses. However this is something that would be better off avoided as not only does it make an awful mess of both the glasses and your kitchen but it also wastes a lot of the mix.

Prices:

Two rounds of this recipe will use:

2x70cl cheap vodka £13.00
4bags haribo £4
16 packets jelly £3.50
80 glasses (100 incP&P) £10.00

Which should come to about £30.50 in total.

Or £0.38 per jelly which, I think you’ll agree, is pretty good going for party fodder - especially considering they're the equivalent of a shot each.

I’ve not yet had the opportunity to work out the calories or weight watchers points per jelly shot but will do so at the next available opportunity.

Mx 

: 01 May 2007 20:49 |  Tags: Experiments |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Back to the fold

Well it's only taken me three months to get my username back. And although it would have been a lot faster if I'd bothered to email when I discovered the problem, It would have been even simpler if the WGA hadn't deleted me. Call me fussy but some kind of notice would have been nice. Maybe a letter or a post-it, or a note with some flowers or even a thorntons egg carefully iced with the message "kiss your blog byebye". At least then I could have eaten the bad news as a festive snack. :/ Ah well. I'm back. Like the unwanted dandylion in the middle of your pristine lawn. Ahahaha... :)

Mx 

: 29 Apr 2007 20:36 |  Comments (2) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Rice–tacular

This is just too awesome to remain unblogged. It would seem that my brother is a creative genius with rice, this is his latest masterpiece – Jimi Hendrix, made entirely from uncooked rice placed on his campus bedroom carpet. Teh Win is it not?

This is the inverted image. For the original click here

M xxx

EDIT: Also, why am I almost one third of the hot topics? What is up with everyone? This is unnatural…

: 20 Feb 2007 22:59 |  Tags: Blogged Artwork Mmmm Lovely |  Comments (4) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Mmmm Topical Repost

If February 14th is for couples, just remember that February 15th is everyone elses turn to celebrate; so use the opportunity to buy a nice big box of reduced chocolates to treat that special someone in your life - you.

Or just stock up with cards and fluffy crap for next year. Y'know. Whatever.

M xxx

: 14 Feb 2007 15:14 |  Tags: Blogged Artwork |  Comments (13) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Hell Yes!

Follow-up to Dear Mr/Ms World from Something Random

As of the 5th of March Mia will be officially EMPLOYED.

Yes, EMPLOYED. 

E   M   P   L   O   Y   E   D   .

Parfait Amour celebrations will commence ahead of schedule, as will much bubble-bathage, pampering and singing musicals/radio karaoke out loud. Then after a while it will really sink in and I will have to have a little lie down I guess. Wow. Fucking hell. A Job. With many shiny pennies. and a health plan. Christ.

This is a big thing after all that being poor and tesco-value-ness.

I think I might have to have that lie down first... 

:)

M xxx 

: 13 Feb 2007 19:37 |  Tags: Biochemistry Mmmm Lovely |  Comments (14) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Fingers on buzzers…

So, how many "first posts" will be made on wednesday? Any guesses? Will the stats peak like a 7.2 on the Richter scale? Hopefully it won't be as tragic as I expect, although it would prove to be one of the few times my pessimism has let me down.

Still, I can't help but feel optimistic this week, for on top of the prospect of imminent employment I will at last get to spend the 14th with my true love. Which definitely beats last year (when I was forced, by circumstance, to spend it with my brother - I'm sure he was equally thrilled) and, come to think of it, the other preceeding twenty...  But finally on wednesday I'll get to snuggle up with my darling, my treasure, my "Parfait Amour" - all 70 neon-violet centilitres of it. Bliss.

M xxx

: 11 Feb 2007 23:51 |  Tags: Mmmm Lovely |  Comments (24) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

On Bettering Oneself

I used to read a book a day, and now I’ve sunk to such levels that I’m lucky if I manage a book a year. It bothers me so much that I’ve set myself the task of bridging this literary deficit as quickly as possible, starting with “To Kill a Mocking Bird”.

What are the classics that you would consider unmissable reading? Are there any books that changed your life or worldview? I’m giving myself a year to get through as many suggestions as possible…

_{And yes Hughes, Catch 22 is on the list already.}

M xxx

-

Should read:
1984 – George Orwell
A Farewell To Arms - Ernest Hemingway
A Million Little Pieces - James Fray
A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
American Psycho - Bret Easton Ellis
Animal Farm – Orwell
Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
Between Silk and Cyanide – Leo Marks
Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
Coming Up For Air – George Orwell
Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Don Quixote - Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra
Down and Out in Paris and London - George Orwell
Emma - Jane Austen
Everything Is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran Foer
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Jonathan Safran Foer
Flowers for Algernon – Daniel Keyes
Going Solo - Roald Dahl
Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
His Dark Materials - Phillip Pullman
Homage To Catalonia - George Orwell
How Green Was My Valley - Richard Llewellyn
I am Legend - Richard Matheson
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings – Maya Angelou
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norell - Susanna Clarke
Mrs Dalloway - Virginia Woolf
Once in a House on Fire - Andrea Ashworth
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest - Ken Kesey
One Hundred Years Of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Paddy Clarke Ha, Ha, Ha – Roddy Doyle
Romance Of The Three Kingdoms - Lo Kuan-Chung and C.H. Brewitt-Taylor
Sandman - Neil Gaiman
Sophie’s World – Jostein Gaarder
Tess D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
The Bonfire of the Vanities – Tom Wolfe
The Count Of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time – Mark Haddon
The Day of the Triffids - John Wyndham
The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test - Tom Wolfe
The Forever War
The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
The God Delusion – Richard Dawkins
The Kite Runner – Khaleid Hosseini
The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
The Outsider - Albert Camus
The Selfish Gene – Richard Dawkins
The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Transmetropolitan - Warren Ellis
War And Peace - Leo Tolstoy
Wind Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami
Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert M. Pirsig

Currently reading: Neither Here Nor There - Bill Bryson
& The Sound Of Laughter - Peter Kay

Have read:
To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
The Last Continent - Terry Pratchett (I fell off the waggon...)
Small Gods - Terry Pratchett (I fell off the waggon again...)
The Discworld Companion - Terry Pratchett (And again...)
Colony - Rob Grant (Screw the waggon.)
Northern Lights - Philip Pullman
As I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning - Laurie Lee
The Lost Continent - Bill Bryson

: 05 Feb 2007 19:27 |  Comments (49) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Cocktails

I have been provided with a fine assortment of spirits from the drinks cabinet to cater for my mother's posh dinner party this saturday but find myself at a loss when it comes to cocktail recipes. What are your tried and tested favourites? Leave recipes with the comments (especially if they include spirits off the list) and I will use them to experiment on all the guests.

Le Alcohols:

1. Absinthe
   
2. Advocaat
3. Apricot Liqueur
4. Aquavit
5. Baileys
6. Blue Curacao
   
7. Bols Parfait Amour
8. Brandy
   
9. Cream of Aniseed
   
10. Cream Sherry
11. Galliano
12. Gin Mahon & Dry
13. Martini Rosso
14. Moscatel
    
15. Peach Schnapps
16. Pimm's No.1
17. Pina Colada
    
18. Rum
    
19. Tequila
20. Tintilla
    
21. Triple Sec Curacao
22. Vermouth Bianco
    
23. Vodka
    
24. Whisky

My personal favourite involves a large bottle of Baileys and a glass. 

M xxx 

: 17 Jan 2007 18:50 |  Comments (4) |  Close comments |  Report a problem