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August 01, 2006

Back In The Black

Well; its been a while folks….

Anyway if you're reading this i assume you're either A) some uber–disciple of mine who checks this regulary and has continually been disappointed by the lack of updates, one of my 'friends' who has seen my msn name if i do mention it on there once ive finished C) God getting the dirt on me.

From the looks of the last post i haven't used this in several months. I think i must have been in a fit of mental–pique. I can't exactly place what caused this but the New computer desk spoken of was prompted by wine being spilt on and around my laptop whilst i was in a cage of drunken emotion. I think that last entry must have caught me on the downside of the psychological rollercoaster that featured the drunkenness and emotion. I would like to think that i am better now, various mental gears have shifted and whole new synchromeshes of psyche have been achieved. I'm still likely to be up and down like a yo–yo at times, but not so often.

Anyways, i digress. I thin that the primary reason for starting this up again is to give me an output to a potentially wide audience. Be it ranting (god i've missed just going off on one and posting it), hopefully some creative writing, trying to record my life in a way that people actually want to read and i guess i'll figure out the other uses…..

I'm not sure how this thing can work in any real conjuction with Facebook but i'm sure there must be a way.

Things that have gone on in my life since i last posted here are several and mildy deviated. I moved away from rag and tried to concentrate on my degreee. I made a new friend. I took some exams. I became closer to several people without the distraction of society life or its pecking order. I went on canalboat holiday. I visited Pete, and was visited by Emma. I moved out of our 2nd year house and signed a contract for a scrumptious new house in coventry with 2 of the best guys from my first year. I've done quite a lot of drivig, some long, some important, much late at night and most fast. I also acquired broadband.

Now we are in the dark days of the holidays so i see few friends on a regular basis. I await the edinburgh festival, some form of travel with Tash and hopefully some visits to friends or i will die from cabin fever (i made the mistake of looking for a job far too late in to summer and now have none).

This is all for now. Will report again soon, hopefully.


April 02, 2006

Very Scared

I'm scared…

March 19, 2006


Today I had an Interesting experience. Needing a new computer table/unit, I decided that for originality in a conformist way, alleged cheapness and also a new experience, I could do worse than to visit Ikea in Birmingham. Being an engineer the idea of self assembly furniture holds a masochistic thrill for me.

The Ikea Svengali Experience started with a giant car park; up a twisty, turny, hair-pinny hill akin to a tamer version of the mountain entry road to Hitler’s ‘Eagle’s Nest’. On entering the actual building there was a grand staircase and a children’s ballroom were tiny tots either play in tanks of brightly coloured plastic spheres, or are castrated; it was unclear from the outside.

Now the fun bit… Within viewing the first 2 items you will get some strange sense of de ja vu, and the within the next 3 (if you are any god) you will spot that in some Tron style madness Ikea has transplanted you into The Sims…

Its true!

Not only do all the items have silly, often comical such as a ‘Jules’ chair, names but their oddness of design and mostly modular nature is a clear reminder of that time you used the givecash cheat then brought all of the really expensive stuff, only to find that none of it matched. And modular furniture is exactly that, the table will cost you £29 but the legs will set you back an extra £4, and do you want the standard, the triangular prism or the jellybean filled hollow legs?

I got a computer table in the end, a nice single module, and when I get up tomorrow I will demonstrate how a trained engineer can use the Force[Eng]/”The Knack” to make self assembly furniture assemble itself.

March 12, 2006

A Quiet Drink in the Grad…

Recently I and a friend went to The Graduate, the self proclaimed ‘Only pub on campus’. Amongst other things it was to escape the rag sponsored maiming of any kind of music policy at the end of term event (“and cue’d up we have Chesney Hawkes; some Swedish deathmetal; Outkast and if you give us that £10er- the mp3 you made of the sounds of screaming”). Anyway I digress…

The Graduate… picture it: real ale on tap, hand pulled pints, quiz machine lights seductively flashing, luxuriant leather sofas or intimate little tables, easy on the eye colours. Its quite easy to imagine how the tradition of a ‘Quiet one in the grad’ can stretch on for hours, as the participants cares dissolve into the cheery atmosphere.

However our evening was intruded upon by ‘relaxing, mood music’ piped in at a level nearing that of stadium rock. Live bands in the grad is one thing, even competent DJ’s warming up the room before a pub quiz [incidentally Neil Faraday’s Superior Pub Quiz will be there from 8 on Monday night. I am an intellectual fishfingerl], but the bar staff’s choice of music at club levels did absolutely nothing to improve the pub experience. Indeed at several points during the evening I could not actually make out what my companion was saying over the enforced ambience.

Sadly this sort of musical infraction is becoming all too common and quiet taverns are now scarce in any kind of urbanised areas. However, I would be interested to know whether anyone else thinks there is too much of this peaceful drinking eradication on campus at night?

March 03, 2006

The Learning grid

The learning grid is an odd place.

It might or might not be on central campus.

There are stand up internet terminals and invisible Nazis who move things after 30 mins

You are allowed hot drinks near the computers but not hot food.

There are always new friends in here even at 6am. Friends like mr pen and mr desk
It is friendly and warm the sort of place to find bunnies and paedophiles

Pictures on the walls are made of living electronic plastic and light up

Someone is asleep. He is wearing a nasty looking jersy

None of the mice work. Theyv'e all been used by sociologists. And Baal

I want food. Food wants me. We will get married

There are tables on wheels that look like minature alien robots

Ross Kemp designed the learning grid but threw it away for being too wussy. He designed it whilst he was ill and off form

The learning grid made me become 178.2% more effective and i wrote 2253 words that i didnt need to.

I need to go now as the chicken is coming to get me

January 24, 2006


Earlier today, whilst hearing about a female friend and how she’d met this wonderful guy, I came to loathe women temporarily. During this temporary disjointment from normality, I weighed up all the things I had done to try and please the female specie and all I had gotten back, and found girls wanting. Hence I thought it was time the record got set straight and I published an article about how awesome men are….

Well I say article, but that would be just what they’d expect me to do [especially after that last paragraph], so here’s a list of reasons why men kick women’s asses at being ace any day of the week.

Appearance – Men don’t mind if each other look dishevelled, I talk of course of real mean and not cusp of bentness metrosexuals. You can happily be a man meeting up with another man without having to spend 2 hours assembling various animal bi-products on your face to try and escape being real.
Also its safe to meet male friends without having to worry about eyes accidentally being drawn towards shamelessly flaunted parts of your friend’s anatomy.
Commenting truthfully on a man’s appearance is not akin to introducing Mr Blender to Mr Testicle. Mentioning that a guy’s shoe looks odd without a sock will not replace any atmosphere with liquid helium.
The Manphallus 1000 and associated accessory pack may look ugly but they’re a lot simpler and far more comedic to draw than abdominal tentacles or whatever the female equivilent is.

Intimacy – Men can take full on humorous embraces and ironic fondling far better than non-men can even take some light friendly and socially reaffirming hugs. Most men can also freely joke about intimate sexual relations [Mr Samuel Boulby is a sexy beast and a machine in bed, mmmmm. Or You knob men] whilst mention of anything below the neckline to a girl can ruin a conversation faster than an ill timed necrophillia gag.

Ugly factor – men usually don’t mind how non attractive each other are, and will still Talk to each other even if the other is not Sexy McSex or a regular user of Sam’s Muscle Gun 9000.

Arnold Schwartzenegger – Men like Arnie and aren’t afraid of his rippling body and stylish way of brutally kill people and then making flippant punts about their often hideous and gory deaths. Plus they appreciate the artistic quality of him in really small, tight black speedos.

Technology and “geek” – Men aren’t afraid to love technology and appreciate the inner beauty and the appeal of complexity. Double for engineers. Pose yourself the question of “Bugatti Veyron or 2 weeks sexual in the bed of almost any hot female[spits] you can think of?” see how much of a petrol headed, metal loving, man you are…

I will add more when sufficiently distanced from reality again…..

December 13, 2005


[Space laid out for explanation of Sergeant Hairdo stylings and other ranks of infamy ]


December 12, 2005

Dinner Party [Party is never to be used as a verb or i will kill your filthy whoreface)

I recently threw possibly the best dinner party ( 21 person Tocillian Chrismas Dinner excluded), since Lucrezia Borgia had her famous 'Ooops, we're out of cyanide' Banquet in 1537.

Growing from a mere bored speculation over a messaging program into a full half day event in some cases; this roast was epitomy of shabby student style.

Bottle upon bottle of wine was consumed; ranging from posh vino handpicked by an our out-sourced wine conniseur, to chemically recovered vineagar-to-be that caused at least one case of mass stomach heavage.

The tiny and ill prepared student kitchen (not even the size a roots bedroom/cell) issued forth enough fooditems to overfill the table and bring the wood to its straining groaning load capacity. Food included 1 Plump [BRITISH] Hen roasted, handcrafted yorkshires, boiled carrots, streamed sprouts, kilted sausages, both stuffing and gravy created from first principles (Up Yours!: Paxo, Bisto, and James Hughes), oven roasted parsnips and potatos, brocolli in a traditional cheese sauce, mashed potato and the aforementioned oodles of wine.

Lit sexily by and ecclectic mix of ultra modern fibre optics and soft candlelight it was truely a feast to behold aswell as to consume.

I wish all of you could have been invited to share in this pure gourmet cuisine….

Just for the look on your faces when you got to the door and i told you to sod off and eat cat like all the other proles! Ha!

Victory is mine!

December 01, 2005

Theres an angel screwing with my head


November 25, 2005

Requirements – sated?

I Need internet @home. _ Gotten, with bugs

I Need network cable. _ Gotten, with large expenditure

I Need love. _ Tragically not gotten, i want to maim those who do and flanut it in public

October 07, 2005

Rag Officedom

Well here i sit, in Rag's little cubby hole in union north, cackling to myself and awaiting tonights festivities. Whilst i am here and i have my little sexilicious digital camera awaiting the chance to capture bloggers on film, i thought i would give you a small guide to the HQ and procrastination centre of Rag. By the way YOU SHOULD ALL JOIN RAG! IT'S ONLY £1, AND YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A MEMBER OF THE SOCIETIES FEDERTATION. YOU DO AS LITTLE OR AS MUCH AS YOU WANT, AND ITS A GOOD WAY FOR UNSOCIABLE TYPES, LIKE ME, TO MAKE FRIENDS.


Here we see the wall where so many dreams are started; various planned eutopias and Warwick Volunteers purges planned on the board (when the secretary hasn't hidden the pens to stop us writing on it), andf our efforts acknowlerdged in certificatey forms that the kinder charities send us. Also we have the student essentials of a coffee making device and an inflatable farm animal.


This is thwe action centre with the computer and phone which we fight for the rights to use (an exec of 14 with only 2 pieces of technology between them, must believe in survival of the fittest). Our measly window looking inthe U. North corridoor and recieving 3rd hand light. The flower Nicola made me on my day of ultimate depression (several entries ago). Also theres the note left by Tash when she broke into the locked office throught the window. And lots of other office krap.

Sorry if this bored you. I am now off to explore rootes bar and try find some of you. X

September 21, 2005

[Student house #231] aka 61 rushmore st

Well this is my fourth day of being in my new property (affectionate nickname as yet undecided), and i think i am almost on top of making it inhabitable.

Corrections that have been made so far include: Back yard cleared of rubbish, scrubbed and swept, kitchen floor washed and scrubbed, tv and video set up with adapted aerial cable connector, guttering cleared out, new fridge installed, work surfaces and walls cleaned, windows washed, wasps nest reported to warwick accommodation; and many smaller works.

Still to do i have floors to hoover, shelves to put up, foodstuffs to put away, stubborn lichen and algae to chemically remove from the outdoor slabs, and a potted back garden to create; plus many smaller works.

Good thing i'm a masochist when i want to be :D

September 08, 2005

Day of nothing

Today i have done nothing very constructive; spent the day piecing together a jigsaw puzzle with my mother and nan and have done prettymuch nothing else. My dad stole my car whilst his was in for an MOT and none of my friends near me wanted to do anything. Home suxxors. Role on warwick.

Current Task: This blog and looking for a back way [roadwise] into leamington to avoid the trafficy smeg

News update

After the third day of labour ive prettymuch run out of logs and wood to saw, and have now mostyl organised and rationalised the woodshed. Other mannly functions i have achieved include solo getting mildly drunk and wearing a bandana in a useful way.

End report.

September 06, 2005

"In just seven days i can make you a man

Although unlike the gorgeous Tim Curry/Dr Frankenfurter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I will be making this man out of myself and not other people/genetic engineering…

Yes, I am aiming to make myself a more masculine man for the return to uni. Indeed it has already been said that i have the body of a teenage Adonis, but they'll never find where ive stashed it!

This program of mannification majorly consists of spending entire days sawing trees up ready for firewood, reorganising our quite large garden and visiting my old form tutor to discuss being Men; however to make me a Real Man i shall also minor in whores/casual sex, cigar smoking and brandy drinking.

Well the tree chopping up is going well at least ;) ( ishould have a phjoto of me doing my arnie style carrying a log on my shoulder bit soon.

September 03, 2005

a note on punctuation

I have just been reading a most interesting comedic and thought provoking book entitled The British Museum Is Falling Down the main plot feature of this is the story of a practising catholic couple and their struggle with Natural Law or as some in the book refer to it Vatican Roulette and the normal human urges but one of the most noteworthy sections is a few pages of the wife's thoughts as she awaits for the gentle embrace of sleep like this paragraph which i expect has killed some by now this section features no punctuation at all it being entirely her train of thought uninterupted as it would be in the human mind this is one of the most interesting uses of writing i have found for a while and worthy i thought of a mention

August 19, 2005


If it takes 1 man 2 hours to move 1 ton of coal* 12 meters; then how bloody knackered is he afterwards?

Very, and yet no closer to being recognised as blaxploitation star John Shaft, which is in a way even sadder than the continuing back pain…

*yes i come from an evil household that has a coal fire and pollutes the earth. And yes the many connotations about polluters are correct – we regularly feast on fluffy kittens and soddomise small animals, also we smell of wee.

August 13, 2005


Euk i just got up really early to make the day last longer and make the most of it, but i have no ide whatsoever to do with it. Curretly i am reading a book (interposed with writng this). This time last week i was at a friends and i still havent quite gotten used to the idea of being back, a jobless only child, who needs to plan things with friends days in advance to make anything actually happen.

Anyway, I am interested to know what the rwest of you fine ladies and gentleman and walking abominations get up to with your days. Post the activity yiou think bast describes your day and i will do my best to keep soe form of accurate graph posted, and then at the end i will know what to dowith the rest of my holidays…

Options are

[A] Working at some form of job
[B] Computer gaming or internet trawling or other CPU based fun
[C] Seeing friends
[D] Being with/visiting family
[E] some form of solo activity such as reading
[F] Anything mildly different from what i have covered here - please specify

Thankyou for taking time to fill out thiss survey. you are a much valued customer.

August 08, 2005

My body need to go back to the manufacturers…

Well obviously its needed that for years with some metabolism overclocking due and possibly a sports bodykit. However now the very bios seems to have become corrupted; I feel sad at random intervals, find a constant longing for companionship and have a negativity that even alcohol cannot cure. I don’t know how this file corruption occurred, but I really wish it would heal soon as it just leaves me feeling like smeg and wanting to constantly offine and defrag.

Possible sources of this glitch I suspect are having my parents gone away and left me at home which really should be a good thing but makes me feel so lonely it is positively unhealthy. I recently spent time staying at a good friend’s and had company pretty much from waking to going to sleep, maybe it’s the change from that. Possibly it could be that im worrying about getting back into warwick, and what will happen to all my friendships if I fail my resits. Odd as it may seem I half wish I had a job just for something to occupy my time.

If I concentrate and devote a lot of memory to it I can block out this gloom bug, but unless I find some permenant solution my whole brain may need to be formatted.


On a more upbeat note, heres the house i stayed in, it is quite similar to Dans Happy House

June 15, 2005


Follow-up to Facts you should know from I hate therefore I am

Hello. Firstly on a serious note i have a few more points about why i am a complete poo to add to the reasons from before

  • I never realise what i have or how precious something is until ive lost it
  • Sometimes i say things without thinking and these things are really hurtfull
  • I make people lose The Game a lot
  • I cause those around me to become depressed

Right. Now for the meat of this blog. Recently i was a complete twat. I said something, which made someone else very sad, which made me sad; which is the state i am in now. Now where antibiotics or lithium are not available, laughter is said to be the best medicine. Therefore make me better and able to get back fully into hating all of you, by telling me a joke.

Tell me your best joke; Go on. I dares ya.