August 19, 2005

Manchester Rocks

It really inspires hope in the youth of today when you see news like this

"A 12-year-old boy has been charged with raping an eight-year-old boy in Greater Manchester". I mean seriously, what the fuck? How do even think of that, especially at that age.

"Hey Jimmy you wanna go to the park and play football?"
"Actually I think I'll try something different today, like uh, oh I don't know have sex with an 8 year old boy"

This dude needs locking up permanently; mentally ill, bad upbringing or whatever I don't care it's not important.

August 17, 2005


I was on holiday recently, and it became evident that Menorcan restaurants don't have separate Smoking and Non-Smoking areas. This started me thinking. Generally, smoking is a bad habit, it makes you smell, it annoys other people, and most importantly of all, IT KILLS YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY. So, if its costing £££s of NHS money (and beds) to cure people with smoking related illnesses, why not just ban smoking completely? Make the sale of cigarettes in england illegal, and anyone caught smoking be liable to an on the spot fine of £3000. That said, doing so would cripple the tax revenue of the country. So maybe a more intelligent plan is needed that is actually enforced harshly.

A ban on smoking in the union would be good as well.

July 27, 2005

Automatic World

In the past few weeks on my travels I have encountered some wonderful gadgets. Mainly these have been in the bathroom, where everything is now done for you. I have seen the wonder of the automatic flush. It's great, once you've finished your business, you stand up and flush. You move slightly to reach for the toilet roll and flush. I think during one sitting, the toilet managed to flush itself 5 or 6 times. Admittedly I was making slightly exaggerated movements just to make it happen, but its surely a chronic waste of water.

Then in Stansted yesterday I had another encounter with the automatic taps. "Place Hands in Bowl and Tap Will Start". So, I place my hands in the bowl. Nothing. I try the next one. Nothing. Not a single one would work. So I started thinking, is this merely a way to save time? Or is it part of some darker plot to piss everyone off when nothing works. I mean turning a tap is hardly an effort, nor is flushing the toilet, but these automated devices are supposed to make it quicker when in reality they just don't work.

Another example is the showers in the Uni sports centre changing room. Admittedly they do work 95% of the time, but you know that when you need it, when you have shampoo running in your eyes and the shower cuts off, you will wave your hand in front of the sensor and NOTHING WILL HAPPEN. The question is since when did it become too much effort to press the button?

If it aint broke, don't fix it.

July 16, 2005

Harry Potter and the Half–Blood Prince

No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No …..................

If you actually got up and queued for this at midnight, I hope your death is long and painful. Moreso if you got out of bed to get it, got home, then went straight back to bed.

July 12, 2005

War of the Worlds

This was rated as "the best action epic ever", however I think more appropriately it should be rated as "the longest chase scene in cinematic history", or "the shortest/most unexplained ending EVER".

Funny how they ALWAYS manage to screw up re-makes..

July 07, 2005


Not wishing to really dwell on this terrible tragedy, theres just a couple of things about today that really got on my tits.

Firstly, the way people try to involve themselves in the disaster. For example, my sisters friend came into the house today saying "oh my god I was in Kings Cross on sunday". Well HOLY SHIT girl you only missed it by 4 FUCKING DAYS. I don't know how she lives with herself after how close she came to being involved…..

Secondly, on BBC i kept hearing "Police are almost certain that this was a planned series of explosions". As opposed to what? 4 completely separate coincidental terrorist bombs in the same area? What the fuck kind of deduction is that? I mean does it really need to be stated, EVERYBODY has probably figured it out…

Lastly, its annoying that if anyone is ever caught for doing this, they won't get the right punishment. The right punishment of course being surgical removal of all limbs and consignment to a prison for the rest of their days. Or public execution.

Although, credit where credit is due, I believe the emergency services handled the situation exteremely well, it could have been a lot worse.

June 29, 2005

Surpassing the limits

me and a mate were fucking about today with his electric guitar. Now he has a bass, so must use his amp, but that means the electric guitar goes unamplified. A solution was found. There is a program online which lets you run the guitar through your computer, and amplifier effects can be added to the sound played through the speakers.

However, we were not content with this small victory. The head unit in my car has a line in, and thus it was possible to connect the laptop to the car speakers. Thus, as we drove along, my mate was able to play his electric guitar, much to the bewilderment of passers by. What was better is that in the right place the pickups on the guitar would pick up the vibrations of the engine, thus I had a constant throaty sound that was proportional to the revs of my car. An unusual change to the normally whiney sounds of the micra.

June 22, 2005

Here's One I made earlier : BBQ

Over the past couple of days I have learnt a lot of the answers to the most important questions in life. For example, it is indeed possible to convince someone with no memory of the night before that he bought gay porn off eBay.

However, there was one revelation that stood out from the rest. Never again shall the phrase "oh no we can't have a bbq somebody has nicked it :(" be uttered, as this problem can simply be solved by using an empty tin of cadbury's heros and the grill from an oven.

First, find a suitably fat person to eat the chocolate, and discard the lid, we won't be needing it. Now find an open area, and begin the bbq as normal, that is put a small bag of coal in the tin and light it. At this point, it is recommended to punch small holes in the side of the tin to allow for more efficient burning. It is also a good idea to position your bbq in such a way that the smoke blows directly towards other people and scares them off.

20 minutes later, and you're ready to cook. For four people, it has been decided that 3 pounds of burgers should be sufficient, along with cheese and baps, and a shit load of ketchup. Please note, flipping the burgers can be dangerous as the grill is in no way attached to the tin, and so can fly off in different directions burning whatever it comes into contact with.

After eating and being merry, we come to disposal. Through a vicious process of trialling, it is NOT recommended to take your home made bbq back into the kitchen of your corridor and douse it in water. This only results in the leaking of ashy water all over the top of the freezer you left it on, and the consequent washing of said freezer.

Of course, if you're as drunk as we were you wouldn't care.

EDIT : i think it's worth noting what actually happened on the fateful eve that was last night.

Me and some mates from home (luke and wilmo) went up to lancaster to see our mate rick. Upon arriving, after a stupidly expensive train journey, we decided to have the BBQ, but when we got to rick's hall, it appeared that the bbq had been "robbed". Not people to be deterred, we constructed the bbq as above, to the amazement of the few other people who were out and about. We later blamed the water in the kitchen on "the freezer is leaking", until it was pointed out that freezers don't leak all over the top of themselves.

The consuming continued, with a litre of vodka going down fairly rapidly to a game of aces, which culminated in many accusations of cheating and a consequent water/beer/any form of liquid fight. We had successdully ruined the kitchen, so we moved on.

Wilmo heads to the shower to rid his body of the alcohol we had smothered him in, and rick decides it would be a good idea to "smoke" him out. Enter the powder based fire extinguisher. After several attempts at breaking the protective seal, we get it going, and proceed to empty the contents under the door of the cubicle wilmo was in. Seconds later, wilmo flies through the corridor screaming "AARRGG MY LUNGS ARE BURNING". This cracks us up, and then we realise that the entire bathroom is now a swirling mass of powder, and we have an empty fire extinguisher, which turns out not to be quite so empty in a test we had.

Here comes lesson 2 of the day, if having emptied a fire extinguisher full of powder into a bathroom, the best way to clean it up is not to flood it. All this achieves is the clog up the plugs, and leave massive piles of soggy powder everywhere. With the bathroom ruined, and ourselves sufficiently inebriated, we head to the event, a Lancaster end of year event known as Extrav.

We are accompanied in our outing by a big, fluffy, cuddly orange fish. This proves a useful gimic, as we wandered about encouraging people to "kiss the fish", which provided us with many interesting videos. Wilmo also tried to use this approach to pick up women, which brings us to lesson 3, a big cuddly fish significantly increases your chances of hooking up. Most of the night was spent looking for one another, at the bar, or pretending to mosh to the shoddy tribute bands that were playing, although by this point my memory begins to become a little hazy, they could have been awesome.

The event winds down, me and luke begin to head home, however neither of us know where rick is, we just assume wilmo headed off with a girl he eventually managed to ensnare with the fish. Rosanna, a friend of rick, takes us to someone's room, where rick has been hiding. He, however, does not want to leave, convinced wilmo is hiding somewhere in the room. Eventually we get back, although there is still no sign of wilmo.
15 minutes later i pass out on the kitchen table, breaking several plates in my attempt to make a comfortable bed out of it.

Several hours later i awaken. The end of my belt is immersed in a frying pan full of water, and i am generally soaked. I think little of it, and wander down the corridor towards rick's room, at which point i am met by one of his hall mates, who enquires "Dude, what the fuck happened to your face?". I am instantly as curious as he, hurry to ricks room and consult the mirror. My face is covered in what appears to be black marker, but turns out luckily to be eye liner. My confusion is doubled when i look around the room, expecting to see everyone, but only see luke asleep on ricks bed. I vow vengence to the people who wet and drew on me, and collapse on the floor.

8am. Wilmo wanders in the door in a sleeping bag, confessing to spending the last several hours on the floor of a different kitchen. He finds space on the floor and falls asleep.

12am. Still no sign of rick. Another of his friends comes in, realises rick has left his ebay account signed in, and we buy gay porn on his account to be delivered to his mum. However, his credit card is rejected by PayPal, so our mission was thwarted.

1pm. Rick emerges, and i am filled in of what happened whilst i was unconcious on the table. In a fit of rage, rick had managed to pull the casing off the light in his room and thrown it out of his window, along with seemingly everything else he cared to lay his hands on. He then disappeared to a different block, where he passed out on someone's floor. We assess the level of destruction.

Kitchen : broken crockery everywhere, ash stains the freezer and there is generally water everywhere
Bathroom : the powder situation has not improved. The cleaner is most seriously displeased.
Rick's Room : devastated. The fish broke at the event, and thus has "bled" all over his room. There is also a large portion of his belongs all over the grass outside his block

All in all, a great night. Fact.

June 15, 2005

Some Numbers from The Monday Club Tour to Amsterdam 2005

363 – the number of the bus we could never seem to get
70 – amount of euros wasted in casino by perks and jim
9 – the number of hours stan slept through the morning flight he was supposed to get
7 – the hour at which we were woken and informed to "move on" at the airport
4 – the amount of times i visited the toilet during a 5 hour period whilst trying to sleep at our hostel
3 – the number of us that actually went swimming, an impressive increase to usual training numbers
2 – number of american girls who stupidly decided to come out with us
1 – number of very bad, but stupidly funny, john wayne impressions
1 – number of monday club members attacked by a hooker

I'll add to these as i think of them…

May 03, 2005

Consumption is Bad

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