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June 04, 2005

A Grand Day Out

Stay tuned for the full story of our trip to…The Monkey Sanctuary in Looe

May 31, 2005

Nerves and Blogging

I must say i'm disappointed by the lack of funny dreams that were(n't) posted in the last comments section. Thought that would be a good talking point, I did. Oh well, that's what exam time does to you. I should know, I had 2 exams over a week ago and my last one is tomorrow. I thought i'd be able to chill out over the past week but tomorrow's exam has been constantly on the brain. Now it is upon me and i'm pooing myself, but after that it's red rover as the cockney's say. Maybe my blogging will pick up pace from here on in, but it won't if there's no regular audience participation. In other words, comment like crazy! Here's a good starting point: what did you make of the new Star Wars film? I'm a fan…

Matt xx

May 21, 2005

Pope Dream (It's a bit like pipe dream, do you see?)

The other night I had one of the most bizarre dreams I've had in a long while. My first year was rife with crazy dreams, perhaps due to the constant intoxication, who knows? But this is up there with the best!

Basically the dream worked on the premise that some people retrieve pieces of things that have become an institution and then have been historically torn down, such as the Berlin Wall and bits of turf from Wembley. In a similar vain I held a piece of Pope John Paull II's foot. Even more bizarrely, the said piece of the Pope's body (which incidently was made of stone!?!) arrived to me by accident. It had been shipped over from Rome in a box of bananas; Rome, of course, being famous for the exportation of comedy fruit. How the foot found its way into the box I don't know, but it ended up tangled in a bunch of bananas I later bought from the gargantuan Tesco in New Malden. However, I only noticed the piece of foot when it was floating in a cup of tea I had made. With me so far?
I fished the stoney flesh out of the cup and immediately knew what it was, obviously!?! My friend Mark was with me and he asked what I was going to do with it? Not being a catholic the piece didn't mean a great deal to me sentimentally, but a bit of the dead Pope did equate to a quick fix of cash!
"I can make a fortune out of this!" I said. "I'll sell it on ebay. You can buy anything on ebay!" Which is true indeed.
Unfortunately I don't know how much money I somewhat selfishly made as I woke up at this point. Maybe the gods (or God I suppose, the Pope's not greek) were unhappy with my ingenius/insensitive way of making a tidy sum, and stopped me in my tracks. Of course, it could also have been Virgin Radio playing My Sharona by The Knack which had woken me. Either way, I woke up and said, "Hummmmphhhh!" My usual wake up speak.

Why not relay you're weird dreams on the comments section of this blog entry? (hint hint)

Matt xx

May 19, 2005

No Donkey Punch Today

No Donkey Punch today I'm afraid. I'm revising for an exam tomorrow, Neon's gone to watch Revenge of the Sith and John's a leper who can't work the desk. We'll be back next week though so tune in at 1pm next Thursday!

Matt xx

May 16, 2005

The Good Old Days

Writing about web page http://www.nme.com

Aahh. What a lovely surprise I received today when I went on nme.com and found the top two news stories to be about Oasis and Blur (Oasis on top obviously). It's been 10 years but Britpop is officially back!

Matt xx

May 10, 2005

Everybody needs good Neighbours

Writing about web page http://www.bbc.co.uk/neighbours

Thank Christ, Neighbours is getting good again. After 'The Apocalypse' it looked as though it was dying on its arse but now it's starting to get interesting again thanks to Steffen Dennis the Mennis aka Paul Robinson.
I went on the BBC's Neighbours website to find pictures of Sky Mangel (huh huh, man-gel!) filming our Paul from behind a bush in a lesson of 'How Not to Spy on Someone' but instead I found something much more interesting…

John once told me that Karl and Libby Kennedy were going out in real life, to which I obviously answered: 'Karl, you player!'. But as John pointed out so eloquently, 'Yeah, but they've been working together since she was about 10. He must've been watching the clock with a semi for a good 8 years!' I was sceptical but take a look at these behind-the-scenes pictures of Libby's farewell to Ramsey Street. I think there's a bit of chemistry there but I'll leave you to make up your own minds:

…ooh, a hug…
…ahh! It's true!

And with Susan watching! The audacity of the man!

Matt xx

May 06, 2005

Donkey Punch Election Day Special – 5th May (obviously)

Writing about web page http://www.radio.warwick.ac.uk

So, the election is over but has anything changed? Apart from a few shifting seats, not really. But did yesterday's Donkey Punch Election Day Special have an impact? No. Could it have done? Perhaps if we were allowed to say anything other than the names of the Parties. Instead, we had to let the music do the talking. Still, it was good fun nonetheless, especially finding tenuous links between certain songs and the election including songs to represent (not endorse obviously) some of the major political parties.

  • Coldplay – Politik
  • Radiohead – You and Whose Army ("mmmmmmmmm…melodic" – Neon)
  • Representing Labour, Kings of Leon as Blair might wake up to a…Red Morning Light!
  • Maximo Park – Graffiti
  • Representing the Green Party, Pulp with Trees
  • Kate Bush – Cloudbusting (featured album Hounds of Love)
  • Rolling Stones because if Blair had lost he might have gone home to his old house and seen his red door and want to…Paint it Black to be like number 10, you see?
  • Flaming Lips – First Past the Post (aka Race for the Prize)
  • Representing Lib Dem, The Beatles as Kennedy would not want to live at number 10 if he had won, he'd want to live in a…Yellow Submarine!
  • The Cure – Push
  • Randy Newman – Political Science

The News, guess what it was about?

  • Belle & Sebastian – Legal Man because Blair used to be one
  • Soulwax – E Talking (Erol Alkan remix). About msn messenger apparently…!
  • Representing the BNP, Refugees by The Tears!
  • Kate Bush – Running up that Hill (featured album Hounds of Love)
  • Public Enemy – Fight the Power
  • Despite all their conflicting policies the basic sentiment of all political candidates is…I Could be so Good for You by Dennis Waterman
  • We could have sworn the election would go…Down to the Wire by Neil Young
  • Bob Dylan – Political World
  • What all political candidates are really saying…I Can Only Disappoint U by Mansun
  • Gerry Rafferty – Baker Street (tune!)
  • Representing the Tories…Bluetonic by The Bluetones (my appologies to The Bluetones)

So there we have it. Next week Donkey Punch will be back to normal but don't forget that also coming up this term is our second cover-versions special and, of course, the Brian Blessed Shouty Shouty Special! Stay tuned every Thursday at 1pm.

Matt xx

April 29, 2005

Barry Chuckle sex scandal!!

Follow-up to Mattanory – Donkey Punch: Thursday 1–3pm on RaW 1251AM from Donkey Punch

Oh my God! Check out the exploits of Chuckle Brother Barry here.
What a naughty Barry!

Matt xx

Mattanory – Donkey Punch: Thursday 1–3pm on RaW 1251AM

Writing about web page http://www.webradioawards.com

This week's Mattanory story had a magical Christmassy bent to it. Some might say it's untimely, others might say it's timeless. You decide:

Twas the Night Before Christmas by Matthew Briant aged 11
The boys didn't believe in Father Christmas. They lay waiting for their father to creep into the bedroom. Suddenly there was a noise in the chimney.
"W…what's…what's that?" stuttered Sean, the youngest of the three children. "I don't know," said Gavin meanfully. "Let's go and find out," said the adventurous voice of Neil, Gavin's twin brother. Neil thinks himself a bit of an Indiana Jones so he grabbed his torch and led the way downstairs.
"We'll try the lounge first," whisperedd Neil, "after all that's where the chimney is." So they marched in. Little Sean didn't know whether to be excited or scared, as a matter of fact he'd lost track of what they were doing but he soon remembered when Neil looked up the chimney for clues. "Nothing in the chimney," announced Neil. Meanwhile Gavin was trying to burn holes in the wrapping paper of his Christmas presents with his torch to see what they were. The boys were getting very tired now so Neil decided they all went to bed. After giving up his operation Gavin went to bed too.
Gavin and Neil fell asleep straight away but Sean was too excited to go to sleep so he just lay awake. Sean lay in bed thinking about Christmas and all of the presents he would get when he heard the jingle of bells. He immediately woke up the twins and they crept downstairs. They peeped into the lounge to see a red and white figure fly up the chimney. When it had gone the children walked into the lounge to find to find lots of presents. "Was that Father Christmas?" said Sean. "Could have been," Neil replied, "but let's go to bed now. We'll see what the presents are in the morning."
When they were in bed they looked out of the window and saw a sledge pulled by raindeer fly across the moon. Ever since that night the children have believed in Father Christmas.

Imagine it's being read by David Bowie and you'll hear Aled Jones wailing in the background.

Merry Christmas one and all.

Matt xx

April 28, 2005

Today's Show: Donkey Punch – Thursday 1–3pm on RaW 1251AM

Writing about web page http://www.webradioawards.com

How do? How do? Here are the songs we picked for your pleasure today:

  • The Futureheads – Decent Days and Nights
  • Primal Scream – Swastika Eyes
  • Fiery Furnaces – My Dog was Lost and Now He's Found
  • Bruce Springsteen – Born to Run
  • Devo – Gut Feeling (Featured album The Life Aquatic Soundtrack)
  • Pixies – My Velouria
  • Gorillaz – Feel Good Inc.
  • Super Furry Animals – Juxtaposed With U
  • The Beatles – I am the Walrus
  • The Rapture – Out of the Races and onto the Tracks

The News, including an interesting story about Daisy Chaining, more to follow.

  • The Soundtrack of our Lives – Infra Riot
  • Sleeper – Sale of the Century
  • Seu Jorge – Rebel Rebel (Life Aquatic)
  • The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony (James Lavelle remix)
  • S Club announcing their split shock horror!
  • Scott Walker – The World's Strongest Man
  • Weezer – Say it Ain't So
  • The Arcade Fire – Crown of Love
  • The Bells – Hurricane Tree
  • Placebo – The Bitter End (the 'Song I Love by a Band I Hate' track)
  • Doves – Snowden

Cheers to all of you who listened.

Matt xx

Happy Birthday Mr Presenter

Follow-up to Mattanory – Donkey Punch: Thursday 1–3pm on RaW 1251AM from Donkey Punch

Happy Birthday Neon!!

April 27, 2005

Mattanory – Donkey Punch: Thursday 1–3pm on RaW 1251AM

Writing about web page http://www.webradioawards.com/

Here, for your literary pleasure, are both Mattanory stories from last week. And hello by the way!

Missing by Matthew Briant aged 9
Last week I lost my favourite wrestling toy. The day before I was playing with it in the car and on the day I lost it. I was thinking where could it be. I looked high and low, I looked in every nook and cranny except for one particular place. It was behind the drawing pad near the telephone!

More of an anecdote than a story, but it was still full of suspense. I like the 'on the day I lost it', it makes me sound like a football manager. Anyway, onwards! For the next story I had to write a first and second draft. I like this one for the drastic changes in characters between takes, be they human or animal…read on:

The Haunted House by Matthew Briant aged 9
One sunny day Jane and Paul where playing football, suddenly Jane kicked the ball too high and it went over the brick wall. Paul and Jane climbed on the wall then Jane saw the ball. While Paul picked up the ball Jane looked through a broken window, then Jane said "Paul do you have the feeling someone was watching you" "nonsense" said Paul "but then again maybe you're right." Paul and Jane both looked through the window then they saw yellow eyes staring at them there was a silence then Paul and Jane walked back ran off home got their water-pistols, toy swords and set off. When they went in the house Paul first then Jane but then they saw a black cat. Nobody owned the house nor the cat so Jane had to look after it. Paul already had a dog and things were fine.
Second Try
Paul looked through the window. There staring through the darkness of the house were two eyes that blinked at Paul.
"Michael do you have the feeling someone or something was watching you?" Paul said.
"Nonsense" said Michael. "But then again maybe youre right."
Michael came up to Paul. Michael saw the eyes and they was a silence. Michael and Paul ran home to get their water-pistols and toy swords and set off back to the house. When they got back there weren;t just two eyes but three pairs of eyes. Three black stripes. Paul and Michael went in and found a family of racoons. They rushed home and called a zoo keeper and found out that the racoons were missing from the zoo and things turned out to be fine.

No suspense in the latter version but the racoons were a twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan! In fact it's better because the racoons aren't predictable. More Mattanory next week.

Don't forget to tune into the show on Thursday at 1, but until then why not vote for RaW in the Web Radio Awards? Raw's up for several categories and all votes would be most welcome. You can access the site here. And why not ask them to nominate Donkey Punch for Best God-like Show or something?


Matt xx

April 23, 2005

Donkey Punch – Thursday 1–3pm on RaW 1251AM

Writing about web page http://www.radio.warwick.ac.uk

This week's Donkey Punch show saw (or heard) the brand new Stevie Wonder come-back single. Being the fan that I am of his work from the early 60s up to Songs in the Key of Life, his last great work, in 1976 I foolishly kidded myself that his new song, which features Prince on guitar and En Vogue on backing vocals, would be a funky beast. Oh how wrong I was. If you listened to the show then you'll know how bad it was. All it served to do was confirm to me that three once great acts were now rubbish. Thankfully they were being rubbish together so that cuts their collective output, even so I was and remain heartbroken. So let us remember Stevie this way

Here's the rest of this week's playlist:

  • Ian Brown – Love Like a Fountain
  • The Jeevas – The Way You Carry On
  • The Chemical Bros. – Believe
  • Simon & Garfunkel – America
  • The Coral – In the Morning
  • New Order – Here to Stay
  • Rachel Stevens – Some Girls
  • British Sea Power – Please Stand Up
  • The Sleepy Jackson – Come to This (Featured Album, 'Lovers')
  • Grand National – Cherry Tree

Our regular soap opera 'The News: on the hour, every hour'

  • Mint Royale feat. Lauren Laverne – Don't Falter
  • Scissor Sisters – Music is the Victim
  • Blur – Death of a Party
  • Belle & Sebastian – The Boy With the Arab Strap
  • Sammy Hager – Baywatch Theme (?!!)
  • Prince – If I Was Your Girlfriend
  • Arctic Monkeys – Still Take You Home
  • Stevie Wonder – Some Shit (I'm almost certain this isn't the real title)
  • The Sleepy Jackson – Miniskirt (appologies for the poor dubbing of the swearing)
  • Beastie Boys – I Don't Know
  • Simon & Garfunkel – a sped up Mrs. Robinson to fill up a minute before the news

Very superstitious? I am now, Stevie. I am now.

Matt xx

April 17, 2005

Donkey Punch – Thursday 1–3pm on RaW 1251AM

Writing about web page http://www.radio.warwick.ac.uk

Work work work work work work work work work woooorrkk!!

Right, glad that's out of my system. Erm…Hello! As you can probably tell I'm working like a man with no limbs trying to swim the English Channel (Clever Dick! Hohoho). But fear not! Donkey Punch returns on Thursday at 1pm despite…everything. So tune in whilst you revise and maybe, just maybe, you'll enjoy working, although i doubt it. Coming up this term is another cover versions special, and towards the end of term (drum roll)....the Donkey Punch Brian Blessed SHOUTY SHOUTY Special including the great man himself reading extracts from his autobiography of his childhood, 'The Dynamite Kid'.

Look at his big happy face. So that's Donkey Punch on RaW 1251AM.
Who wants to live forever? DIVE!!!
Matt xx

April 06, 2005

What do you call your monkey?

Writing about web page http://www.monkeysanctuary.org

I…have a monkey, and his name is Frosty. Obviously I don't own him, but he was adopted for me by my lovely girlfriend Sarah as a Christmas present last year. As such, i receive quarterly newsletters from the Monkey Sanctuary Trust which, i'm delighted to say, has Frosty's Story in the most recent edition. So here are the highlights of Frosty's Story, so you too can share in my monkey love. Think of it as this week's Mattanory, as you'll both laugh and cry, and see if you can tell why Sarah picked Frosty as my monkey. Oh, and see if you can spot the monkeys named by the lone chav that seems to work for them:

All About Frosty
Frosty the black-capped capuchin monkey arrived at The Monkey Sanctuary in August 2001. He is famous for his large size and incredible Elvis haircut.
Frosty came to us overweight, lonely and psychologically damaged from his previous life at a kennels. He was so fat when he first arrived he could not balance on the ropes.
Frosty missed out on the most fundamental need for these social and intelligent creatures: the company of his own kind. He had at one point lived with a female and a baby, who sadly both died. Since arriving at the Sanctuary, Frosty's progress has been impressive. In fact, not long after his arrival, he learned to speak 'woolly' and say hello to them.
As the first capuchin here, he has had the advantage in meeting all the other capuchin monkeys. Peppy came first, and he and Frosty spent a glorious week together, grooming and playing. Unfortunately they then fought and still tend to be aggressive towards one another. Gary arrived next [Gary the monkey? Not quite the same is it?], and if Peppy is present, they will sometimes gang up on Frosty. However, these three boys have formed a strong relationship and even when separate will play together, notably the game 'pass-the-stick' invented by Peppy.
It is with the most recent arrivals that we have seen the greatest change in Frosty. When Coco and Chanel [Chanel?!!] arrived, Frosty was very shy and did not cope well. Slowly however, Frosty met Chanel and much outrageous flirting and mating ensued [slut!]. Recently he has spent time with Coco and they have enjoyed games and grooming sessions [Frosty, you player!]. When Frosty is with these two together, they are very boisterous and playful and we have to make sure they don't intimidate Frosty in their almost constant attempts to play [see, he is a player, and irresistable to women].
Frosty is a happy chap these days and becoming increasingly confident with his socialising skills.

A picture of Frosty will be in the gallery in weeks to come. In the mean time, why not go to the monkey sanctuary website and sign the petition to end the trade in primates as pets because, let's be honest, a monkey would be a great pet until it throws its poo around. Oh, and it's cruel too. Access the website here


Matt xx

March 31, 2005

Oasis is BEST!

Writing about web page http://www.yousendit.com/

I've heard it. It's here, and it's a romper-stomper! I am of course talking about the new Oasis single, 'Lyla'. It's loud, Liam's voice is mega, and it sounds like the Stones, the Who and the mighty Track (or the Soundtrack of our Lives to you). People may pretend Oasis don't matter anymore (they're wrong) but just you see the ho-haa that will follow over the coming weeks. You can download 'Lyla' here and do me a favour, listen to it loud and listen to it lots. It's a rock'n'roll song for fopp's sake!!

Also, click here for all the latest Oasis news, including a track by track run through of 'Don't Believe the Truth' from Noel, and a review of it by Colin Murray.

Live Forever!

Matt xx

March 30, 2005


My modem is working again!! It was having a spaz-attack for a while there but now it's over, and they'll be no stopping me! So forgive me if I bombard you with messages, pictures and amusing stories over the next few days, many of which will probably make very little sense as I'm so full of beans right now, like a child with A.D.H.D! Babble babble babble babble…

So much has happened since my last blog. I've been to Rome and back, I've finally made some progress with my dissertation, Neighbours has got boring since the apocalypse, and both Neighbours AND Home and Away have seen people talking to ghosts. Oo-er! And i haven't even mentioned that I achieved a personal best at ten-pin bowling last week! So much to tell, so many thoughts all at once. I think i might be having a spaz-attack myself now! Aaaaarrrrrggghhhh!

Stay tuned for all the gory details…and Oasis will no doubt get a mention somewhere too.

Carry on screaming!

Matt xx

March 10, 2005

Neighbours – 'End of an Era'

Writing about web page http://www.bbc.co.uk/neighbours

Holy living crap!

March 06, 2005

Lack of Blogging: Donkey Punch – Thursday 1251AM RaW

Writing about web page http://www.radio.warwick.ac.uk

Hello one and all.

Firstly, I apologise for the lack of blogging of late. After last week's show I left blogging space open to Neon who was supposed to blog about a rather amusing dream he had involving Belle & Sebastian, but busy-body-boar-boy-Neon hasn't found the time. To make up for this here is a picture of a monkey:

Oohh, he's a cheeky monkey!
In other news Donkey Punch won Best Entertainment Show at the FMies last week. It's just a bit of fun but it's still nice to be recognised even if it is only by a few mates. Wohoo!

Matt xx

February 26, 2005

Donkey Punch – 24th February, 2005

Writing about web page http://www.radio.warwick.ac.uk

Sorry for the delay in my blogging, everyone. Here is the playlist from Thursday's show:

  • Soundtrack of Our Lives – Firmament Vacation
  • Beck – E-pro
  • Har Mar Superstar – DUI
  • Bloc Party – Pioneers (Featured Album, Silent Alarm)
  • T-Rex – Metal Guru
  • Elvis Presley – One Night (requested by my mum)
  • Kaiser Chiefs – I Predict a Riot
  • Kasabian – Club Foot

Our regular soap opera, 'The News: On the hour, every hour', and it looks like Grandad's taken a turn for the worse…

  • The Zutons – Don't Ever Think (Too Much)
  • Roxy Music – Editions of You
  • Soulwax – Much Against Everyone's Advise
  • Bobby Womack – California Dreamin'
  • Bloc Party – This Modern Love (Featured Album)
  • Bob Dylan – Shelter From the Storm (for Hunter S. Thompson)
  • Super Furry Animals – Frisbee (for Speno)
  • The Futureheads – Hounds of Love (requested by Sarah)
  • Brendan Benson – Spit it Out
  • Cliff Richard & The Young Ones – Living Doll (Guilty Pleasure track which we had to fade out 2 minutes early for being an atrocity)
  • Rage Against the Machine – Renegades of Funk
  • Belle & Sebastian – I'm Waking Up to Us

And because i've been so behind, here's this week's Mattanory story too. This is The Escape by Matthew Briant, aged 8:

One bright sunny day I went to Chessington World of Adventures. It was great my favourite ride was Professor Burps Bubbleworks. When I was on the Fifth Dimension I heard a voice which said, "We have an imprtant announcement to make, the strongest wolf in the country has just escaped from the animal department." Suddenly after the message there was a loud screaming sound and a growl that sounded like a wolf. As soon as the announcement was over everyone ran away from the rides, but i didn't possibly think the wolf could get on the ride after all I am a kid. But when I got off the ride there in front of me was the biggest wolf i had ever seen. I felt so scared that I nearly screamed. Quickly two men from the animal department came running towards me with a huge net to catch the wolf in. The wolf was just about to leap on me when the men threw the net and caught the wolf. Then the men took the wolf to a stronger cage and this time they put two padlocks on the cage.

Teacher's comments: "I'm sure you could have written a better story Matthew." No gold stars for me that day. She was probably pissed off with the fact that I upped the word count by calling the zoo an animal department. Oh well, hey-ho.

Matt xx