All entries for December 2005

December 26, 2005

A friendly handshaking GOODBYE to 2005

Another year is seemingly gliding away, only another 5 days left from 2005. Since I am still in my waste mood, itís probably the best time now to put forward a conclusion to my 2005. (apologies for those who are not accustomed to the style of listing lol.)

Came back from Prague
-got into Buddhism
-joined the Warwick Buddhist Society
-visit a Buddhist temple in Britain!
-becoming a veggie!
Stewardessed Warwick Student Cinema
I think, first Spring Festival spent with NOT solely Chinese people

(Film of the month: Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter and Spring again)

Nothing much but started a quite proper relationship hence,
1st time of my 20 years life time spent Valentineís day with a LOVER! Hooray!
(Film of the month: Lilya 4 Ever)

Adapted myself with the fact of my parents getting divorced
Had a phone bill of 90GBP
(TV series of the month: the L word)

My birthday and a lot other birthday parties
Complementation contd. Crisis of identity contd.
(Book of the month: Mei Xing Zhe/ Huang Biyun)

Exam time
Month of breaking-up
-following up with gym and midnight trip to Oxford (featuring Daviiiiiiiiiid and Lulu the pigs, many thanks to a splendid time!)
-a 1st trip to Cambridge as well (I think I like Oxford more, I think itís more surreal, though if have the chance to choose, Cambridge seems a better option for its better combination of earthly life and old university stylishness.)
1st time: played guitar and proper strip poker!
(Blog of the month: Far away, so close via Blogspot)

End of my undergraduate life
-Had a very private exhibition visiting with only Lulu and two of my lovely tutors: Lynn Guyver and Red Chan (featuring Compton Verney)
-Had a lovely end of term BBQ (featuring most of people from my course)
Starting of my ankle sprained
Going home
(Business of the month: an unfinished Year Book)

Excessive professional training
-Launched my very first paid Chinese tutorials
-Tried to enjoy the summer with crowded buses and unexpected weather changes in grumpy summery Beijing
(Bar of the month: Destination @Beijing)

Got my 1st class degree in hand, became a real graduate and unemployed
-Got an offer from Melbourne University, but then decided not to go
-Finally came to the decision of coming to LSE doing a pure theoretical masters in Media Studies
A blueprint of a leftwing social scientist unpinned (< Joke of the month)

Time with family
-Kept up my vegetarian diet in a place where meat dishes were overwhelming and best cooked!
-Learnt to live with my Momís boyfriend, his son and his family
Exchange money, booking accommodation, and preparing to come to the exciting London, all by myself~~
(Tourist Attraction of the month: Butlers Wharf)


  • Settled myself near one of the finest Bridge in the World Ė Tower Bridge
  • * Socialised myself in one of the best institute in the world Ė LSE (though time from time I really doubt itÖ anyway, letís glorify my October)

    • Got involved in a boat cruise party on the Thames!
    • My flatmate Paulina was pregnant thus would became the first Mom among my friends.
    • Volunteered in Hillington Learning Centre to teach teenagers Chinese, all exciting and intriguing kiddos they are!
    • Not forgetting seeing films in London Film Festival.
    • Met up with old friends in London, too. How delicate life could be sometimes!
      (Film of the month: Broken Flowers)


    1st Times:

    December (Maybe the busiest month of it all! Featuring a lot of lovely people!)

    • A crawl in London restaurants(with girls in my course, cutiest creatures in the universe they are!), cafes (note: those where established artists used to gather in the 19th century, featuring my friend Qian), markets, and pubs (only featuring Cindy in such activity, because she is such a naughty girl!)
    • Barfly and Tokyo Dinner were the spotlights of the crawl!
    • Missed Ewan McGregor and Guys and Dolls in Piccadilly Theatre. (Donít worry, one day I will get him in my bed <- daydream of the year!)
    • Went to see a 4AD band Blond Redhead gig, fab! (Or shall I say: SEX! and I still owe an orgasmic review to such a sexy performance)
    • Sipped into the craziest Buddhist trip of the world: the Highland trip. (featuring some dedicated members of Warwick Buddhist Society)
    • spotlighting Hemhead@London:
      -1st time got myself into a Lesbian Bar in London(Candy Bar @ Soho, all pink, very very cool)
      -Encountered a magical cafe Ė Blue Room and the beautiful voice of Ivy York
      -Came across a cafe owned by an astrologist! Expensive, but descent chat with the waiter were provided, and finely made zodiac sign cards were a bonus!
    • A Christmas without stepping my foot outside the door, but still fulfilled with good variety of food, and surrounded by close friends. PS. We played the lamest pool game in the world!

    (Ö.and some bizarre things happened as well, which I want to keep undisclosed but making a note here thus that I wonít forget how my mind got into such a state after all.)

    (Film of the month: Me, You and Everyone We Know)


    Thatís about 2005, so far so good Ė another chilled year, yet much less ordinary (for me). Letís look forward to 2006, for more adventures, and maybe for World Cup Germany, too!

    (Thanks for the recording capacity Warwick blog has provided, so I could look back at my life a lot easier than ever!)

    Look, I didn't usually do this end-of-year resolution thingie, there wasn't even a category to fit this little piece in. But this year did seem a more organised year than I ever experienced. I could FEEL a lot of changes taken place, so it's worthwhile to write some down, though inevitably some would be ignored or carefulessly forgotten. For those who witnessed, shared, and helped to mould such a uncomparible experience/year in my life that I didn't mention to thank within that piece, here's all my love and gratitude! XxXxXxXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxx

    The night seems endless with cosy memories, so let me end it all with the opening of Wasteland (T. S. Eliot 1922), appropriate or not:

    April is the cruelest month, breeding
    Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
    Memory and desire, stirring
    Dull roots with spring rain.
    Winter kept us warm, covering
    Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
    A little life with dried tubers.
    Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
    With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
    And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,
    And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.
    Bin gar keine Russin, stamm' aus Litauen, echt deutsch.
    And when we were children, staying at the arch-duke's,
    My cousin's, he took me out on a sled,
    And I was frightened. He said, Marie,
    Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
    In the mountains, there you feel free.
    I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.
    What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
    Out of this stony rubbish?Son of man,
    You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
    A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
    And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
    And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
    There is shadow under this red rock,
    (Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
    And I will show you something different from either
    Your shadow at morning striding behind you
    Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
    I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

December 07, 2005





When you kissed me, I rose my eye-lid and looked at you with puzzles in my mind. I wanted to ask why. But I remember Wittgenstein said that the truth always lies in where it can't be spoken out. Language is the fringe of cognition, let alone what lies between us is the languages unintelligible.

You looked enjoying, but defeated. I know you have confusions, too. Whereas my confusion, sometimes, ends in you. My belief that you can solve all my puzzles put extra weight on you, and when you are puzzled, all the questions are messed up. That is depressing. So I try to live without being lost, by only feel what I can feel, and to reduce my mind to its simplist form, in the hope that in the end of the day, I will be able to say what Wittgenstein said in his last stage: tell them, what a happy life I have lived.

So we continue to think in silence, proving that we are not living corpse.

December 04, 2005

Slash, or so–called BL

Was about to pour down my melancholy memories, once again, here. But it seems there are far too much to be done before I sink down to my mood swings. So let me catch up with the new catch phrase first.

Since I started my MSc (weird title for a Media Studies masters study), Iíve been feeling in a crisis of being media illiterate so much so that it can be cultural illiterate in a sense. First of all, although supposed to be a future media pundit (or something of its kind), Iím exposed to the traditional means of media (newspaper and TV) only maybe less than twice a week. Being too sceptical of what the media says, and the tricks it plays, Iím isolated with the mainstream culture as a whole. Meanwhile I still use internet. However, it makes the situation worse that even though I have some source of information I canít even catch up the new trends of alternative media forms and topics. Slash fiction, for example, has been a stream of subculture developing mainly with means of internet communities for a while. It has developed into a big thing with young Chinese women recently. Not until the queer spectatorship lecture few weeks before I had gotten to know its existence.

Itís true Iíve been wondering whatís going on with the girls these days (yeh, feels like an old woman alreadyÖ. sigh). I can still remember one day, a few years ago back in my teenhood, I bumped into an internet chatroom called Lucifer . I was talking something extremely normal and silly in the beginning like a/s/l stuffs. But somehow I got kicked out. After changing my nick for several times, I found out that it was a base for a group of girls who liked guys who love guys (yes, in another word gays). They were quite hostile to people from the Ďoutside worldí. Like many other subculture groups, they feared moral judgement from the conventional world, and meanwhile took pride in it.

Such unwelcomed encounter was forgotten quite easily after a while, as usual. Till recently was I reminded of this particular occasion, when I found out a lot of my close friends share similar affection to fictional gay lovers. The girl I shared a flat with in the summer is a great fan of Queer as Folks link . She is in a very critical age for a Chinese girl, that is 25. About 25 there are several sayings. Once I was told that a woman starts to have the real good orgasms only from 25 on. On another occasion, I was told that a woman should start to take good care of her skin from 25 on, otherwise the skin ages very fast without proper protection. Most often, women (Chinese) in their 25 start to feel the social pressure about their marital status. In the age of 25, you are supposed to have a good and steady beginning of your career, one at least two year relationship (a.k.a. a promising one Ė maybe thatís how the theory of orgasm comes into being as well), and other things that can get you a good prospectus for your 30s (thatís when you start to get old). Ms. Wu, my summer flatmate, was in this very stage of a womanís 25. Sheís very resistant to the notion of marriage. She randomly dated some guys, but only in the sense of going out for tea, and thatís it. Her theory was that, she liked men. But heterosexual men are no good, at least, not perfect. Nonetheless, guys in QAF are perfect. Even the new Chinese pop idol tomboy girl Li Yuchun link is perfect because of her blurred sexuality. Wu somehow felt less threatened/questioned by such figures than the heterosexual men she dates who continuously reminded her of the singlehood anxiety. Ms. Foxy was another crazy fan of Li Yuchun. Sheís in her 26, not less critical than 25 for a single woman. She has had several intense relationships, a good career as well. Besides Li Yuchun, she is also crazy for feminine male pop stars (Japanese), such as the Kinki Kids. link Everytime there is a new beautiful boys' group, she went crazy. lol

These ones are not yet Slash/BL fans. The latter are more likely to be found in my age group. I think Ms. Cool (this is the name I give to her, because she never spoke to us, and thus being very cool) must be one of those. Her coolness is very subtle, like the pink polish on her nail. BL seems one of the coolest thing to do with this generation (not including me I align myself to the older generation lol). I believe Ms Cool belongs to a very secret subculture group that they exclude anybody as ignorant as I am, and they dress subtly but enough for them to distinguish the members from the normal people.

Anyway, in order to gain a bit of coolness, I began to google for things about slash/bl, humbly. Thanks for Wikipedia link , I got to know that Slash fiction can be dated back to 1975 mainly concerning with the fan created fictions about the main characters in the TV/Comic etc they like. Star Trek link might be the most written one. There is even a stream of Slash fiction called K/S(Kirk/Spock) fiction. However, the notion of Slash fiction is slightly different from what we call a BL(boyís love) fiction in the oriental world. The BL tradition can be dated back to 1978 with the release of the comic magazine June link , which concerned not merely about characters in the already existed film/TV/Comic characters, but more original characters. As noted in Wikipediaís entry as well, both Slash and BL fictions/comics are not exclusively erotic. June Comics, for example, depicted very innocent relationships with love only revealed by dialogues and sequences but explicit love scenes. The funny thing is, in the video clips the lecturer showed us, many heterosexual male friendships in mainstream male-genre films can be perceived in a homosexual way. Forgive me that I canít remember the artistís name. But he re-edited some famous Hollywood films like Ape Planet and Sound of Music (for whoeverís sake!), and with the original scenes re-edited, those homosexual interactions are very explicit. I think what he tried to do is to show the audiences how other gazes could take place in interpreting the films, which his videoclips convinced us very firmly. Slash/BL fictions, on the other hand, are very often seen as female gaze/reinterpretation into the patriarchy culture. Some would say that female readers gain pure pleasures without violent intervention of the heterosexual power struggle in this particular site. I think I will keep my opinion from it till further studies in this field. At least so far as I have read some synopsis and parts of the BL comics, I found the genetic pattern/plot not much different from the conventional Romantic Fictions. The relationship is very often carried out in a dominant-subordinate pattern, although without aligning particular sex to such roles. Even on the premises that female readers do gain pleasures (without being guided to their own roles in real like in conventional sense), this site of pleasure has always been kept murmuring. In the case of Slash fictions, copyright of the original work is always a legal concern, hence more or less limits their publicity. In the case of BL fictions, although better publicised, very often exposed to a very critical position. The general homophobia aura in the society (I assume) keeps the topics out of sight. Moral defendants always want to associate BL fictions with hentai (with certain connotation of perversion) comics or what so-called YAOI (Yama-nashi, ochi-nashi, imi-nashi Ė no climax, no plot, no meaning but sex), which to certain extend is true. Some attack the genre because itís got a huge teen readership. But erotic fictions/porns are always there, isnít it. Not only the Slash/BL erotics are exposed to the teens. Anyhow, the fans of BL Comics are excluded (maybe out of autonomy in order to resist the mainstream powers) to a small site, and very often communicate in implicit/technical languages to distinguish/mask from the others.

Ms Cool is very cool, I want to dig her secrets! (More about Ms Cool: She's my coursemate, she's pretty but never smiles, she speaks good English but seldom speak out, and she smokes. That's all I know about her really.)

(Preview to next blog entry: Blonde Redhead: Music and the alternatives for orgasms.)

December 2005

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