All entries for Friday 04 February 2005
February 04, 2005
People went to varcity last night and have soaked into the deap sleep since then, even the clean ladies forget to get up. The entire early morning of Friday goes silent, except the fear in my mind blowing rampantly like the strong wind here in the winter. I woke up with the silence of nothingness, I feared, and I cried.
I think we are in rat alley, where the dead men lost their bones. — Wasteland 1922 T S Eliot
The quoted was also in Chu Tian-wen's (the screenwright of A City of Sadness) novel Notes of a Desolated Man (also translated as the Journal of a Wandering Man), when her protagonist faced his best friend's dying of AIDS. I've never read the poem through, nor the novel. But every word I read, has touched me, rising waves after waves of fears in my mind but then petting them down by the understanding of life. The fear of death is the fear of losing, the fear of facing the eternal nothingness. But Chu Tian-wen says: 'It's difficult to live, but more difficult to die'. People always interpret the novel as another manifesto of homosexual. I think the position of homosexuality was to provide A-Rao (the protagonist's best friend) more desire to live because his right of living had been long deprived. The more were deprived, the more were desired. The more desired, the faster death would come to the doorway. A metaphor to A-Rao's death was given in a later chapter: the goldfish which gorged to death. The more dazzling the life is, the more fears grow towards death. Death is not terrifying, it's the images accompaning death terrify. I think there are many themes of Buddhism in this novel. It's just she, so do I, still has confusions to many untackled questions, and bearing these questions in mind to struggle for the living ones.
Just found a story I wrote titled 'Please give me the power to give away my fears' with a sentence saying 'We live in the word because we have to pay the debts we owed in the previous life, that's the whole meaning of life.' :D Well, I was just trying to explain anxiety disorders with the story, find it quite interesting now :) I have been clinging to these questions over years, and still not seemed to give up the questioning.
Tonight I don't have the voice to release the whole pile of unsorted thoughts in my mind, but I want to put the title here, saves the moment of spontaneity, in case it will remind me what I was thinking some other time.
After all the escapist never had the gut to laugh loudly till the end of life.
This is one of the best adaptation film I've seen.