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January 25, 2006

My goal? My pride?........

Today there was a graduation ceremony and I met there with one postgraduate. After her ceremony I made an appointment to meet here with my friend, then it's really good time.

When I meet some people and hear some story about which they have experienced, I was always impressed and fascionated by it, and so is today.

She finished her master degree this september, and once she went backk to Japan. And it's amazing that she already found the job and started working from December.
I'm not thinking of hunting a job soon after my graduation, but instead I want to pursue my postgraduate study. Even though my mind is such, her talk about her experience through seeking jobs was quite impressed and somewhat encourage me doing new things. And acutally I thought it's not bad doing some work now instead of postgraduate.
To be honest I was a little bit wodered if I can keep studying due to some instinct to sense physical concept. In addition, I even realised my smallness of my world. I don't simply say getting a job is the only way to expand my knowledge and experience, but just we felt she looked so cool and bright! That's why I want to leap into new world and challenge what I've never done before.

What I learned from her is that I'd be more active to act, seek information, etc…The visible thing does not only exist, but behind it, there are much more things to be done. Also I felt as I learned how to prepare my mind for job hunting.

At night I went Mai's room and had a chat for finally 6 hours~She actually asked me to meet up at some points to talk about serious thing for she seemed to wonder some tihngs. So if I can I'd give her directions, though I don't have such a strong right? Anyway meet her and discussed?, or say, exchange remarkable ideas each other.
Well at the time I met her, many many things coincidently happened on her, so she seemed to have sorted out almost already.

My dream
Now my dream, even for far distant future and of course nearly future, began to be seen in my mind. As I wrote before, I want to pursue studying physics and hopefully want to be a physicist. Well, as I had a great time in Italy in summer, where I met one Japanese guy and talked about cooking. Well, I'll describe why here comes cooking to me and why want to be a chef. Then in addition to these, I also want to practise juggling and pantomiming, in general performing, in front of lots of audience…...then baker, patissier…....etc.

In this few weeks, I was held up in dancing and actually no time to spend free time for myself, even thinking and mediating….But in the dance we did in OWW, especially on Tue, the performance was combination of So-ran and pantomiming, which I did. Through this OWW, all the other members were aiming to perform on Sat, One World Party, and those who did on the day were big smile when they danced, although I was quite serious. To be honeset, the most I smiled was the moment I did pantomime on Tue. Some seems to think the Tue one was inferier to the Sat one, but it's other way around for me. It was really fun and really enjoyed myself performing in front of huge audience showing my skills. I could rarely have a chance to do in the way, though I performed in Glove cafe before.
Anyway what I want to say is that I realised that I was so excited when I perform in front of audience, 'showing my talent.'

Cooking…...I thought it was just a hobby for me, or even it's just to satisfy our appetite everyday…...but through my life in Warwick and Sapporo, many of my friends whom I served my dishes told me my cooking was sooo tasty and sometimes kindly said to me I should be a chef. But for a long time, I just took such comments as a superficial one….I didn't take it seriously, that might be because I didn't have confidence(Well I'll write about 'confidence' later) enough to be proud of my skill.
But here all the time I cooked something, many, or can be said, everybody told me in great way…..I always didn't know how to react to such saying…...but now I'm a chef.
And due to the guy in Italy, who told me the interest of cooking and the toughness of it…...though, I was just intrigued by the world of cooking. I think cooking is also largely connected to performing because both of skills can make people smile and surprised. 'I think I really want to see other's smile and it's what I should do.'

On contrast, Mai also seemed to reach some goal, though can be said just a starting points as well. She has been studying films so far, but she recently realised what she wants to do is doing tightly concerning to fashion and make-up. Owing to her mother, she found her sort of conclusion…..so I was actually helpless….ha~ Well, I can also tell my ideas above to her, so it's also great for me.

My pride on every skills I have
Confidence
As I wrote in the section above, I was not sure whether I can proud of my skills, or being modest is good I thought. Well, here, many people praised my skills and after OWW, I jsut thought it's useless if I don't do so and show them to a lot of people.

Confidence…...in Japnese it's apparently written as to believe myself. It doesn't say any more so believe what??.......I think it's everything we have and also, actually this is my main idea, to believe my success.
To believe myself, my talents, my skills…....which looked all different but I think all is saying just one concept; my success. What's important is not just imagine success, but do as if it's 'real'. I think there's no room to be cut into by comparison with the other. It's not a competition I suppose as it's just self-fighting. When it comes to thinking of my rank among people, such idea would spoil my confidence by knowing the real…..Well, there would be many ways to consider confidence and I just take the most relaxed one, so that will not disturb my way.

Power of Words
I haven't realised how extent I myself make influence on the other…...and yesterday I was noticed that…...it's too strong….and sometimes I did constrain the other people…....
All I worry is….I can give some advices but it might mislead people because of my saying…...I should make sure of best careful on my selection of words….and have to take care of people I'd give my words….....
I just worried how many people were influenced by my words and how many people chose another way….....Do I think it too much??

To love people, to pass words to people
To be considerate to the other, and especially when giving an advice…we have to take the most care of themselves. It is not easy like just give and receive but person who gave some advice to the people, in turn, have to take (all) responsibility of them. When I think of them, I should remember what I talked. And if in case they failed to something, I don't say I'm resposible for all but should consider the way to get out from bad situations. Not only love affair, to love people means such above. Love is not the problem between boys and girls, but just person to person…..

Philosophy, ideas and christianity
Everybody appears to have their own religion, which is sometimes coincidently able to classify in the same category; Christianity, Islam, Buhdism, Shintoism, etc….But nowadays, each person has each own idea and spend their time following its discipline.

When facing to myself, what we can see inside?

Sometime I tried to seek deeply into myself but often came out in vain. In this small organism, there's infinite range of space containing enormous knowledge, emotional motions, instinct, intuitive breakthrough…..all the things creat only one…..here on earth how much of things exist in this world? Can only one person hold all of them?
For ages ago, like Leorand da vinci, many people have lots of talents, like him; he is an architect, a painter, a scientist, a philosopher, a doctor, an anatomist, a inventer and so on. But still he couldn't hold everything…..How brilliant the result we have after the forever-lasting human activities.

My passion on Physics and all the other stuffs
I actually haven't explained how physics contributes in this world to other people even though I still haven't comprehended fully yet. Well, today, I told what I'm learning, what I'll learn and where I'm seeking to reach the very depth of physics. Starting from the scales of the world, stepping down to cell, molecules, atom, nuclear and finally reachs quark (presently thought as the tiniest composition of the world), and also climbing up to the larger scale to the size of the universe. And it's quite difficult, even for me, that I talked about the strangeness of quantum behaviour….
I was actually not sure why I'm keeping studying physics, well, there must be something attractive, so do I ….but there was no clear answer to self-questioning. But when I explained above, I just realised how interesting the world is and it's where we live. There is only a passion to seek into. It's just like a child keeping asking questions; what is this? why it happens? If so, what'll be there?.......In this sense, including other subjects in general, studying is just ask questions. People are passionate to look beyond present position. And I think physics is the very subject which covers most of people's interst. From the size of atom to the tiniest world, and from the size of the earth to the universe, this is the range which physics is responsible for. From molecules to the size of human, the other subject, such as chemistry, medicine, sociology, etc. is responsible for…....how huge physics have to hold!!

The reason why I study physics is just that I want to know more of our world we are living.

People we've met through our lives, friends...

*We were living in the world of the net of connection of people*
Owing to lots of friends, I reckon I reached the present state that I can receive some sort of mental comfort. Because one of my friends said to me, because of the support from a lot of friends, I'm not in trouble proceeding what I want to do, or rather, they encourage me to do even though they might not intend to do so.

My world and the other world
As described before on my blog, each world is like a bubble. Gradually blowing up but the surface doesn't have tension to let it shrinken….just it keep growing, though the rate of expanding is not consistent and it also depends person to person. When the two bubbles meet together, they interact and exchange something through its membrane, then both grow up a bit.
We are drifting such a sea of bubbles…..there're infinite number of them and they are also waiting to meet up with each other….

Regret.....
It's no use regretting but I can't stop doing so….....
I should learn something from it, and will never let it occur again. All I can do is…..All I don't want to is to see other's sad face. I hope everybody keep their smile always. Although it can't be true always, but if I have a power, I want let it smile…...

Follow what I want to do
Now that it's time to start anything I want, and not think of anything which will be barrier for me, I just do what I want to do. There're many factors which make us stop and make us go backward, but now I don't have to care. It's always there, but what I want to do is beyond them. I shouldn't see the things just infont, but should look beyond them. If I look the barrier, it might look as if it's huge rock and it seems to be impossible to climb up. But it might due to my over-estimation. If I look it closely, it may be just a small stone. I tends to worry too much and think something as if it's great task to overcome….but if I be relaxed and take no care of it….I may not notice it….just easily step forward….
What I want to do is just aiming at what I want to do. For them, I don't be afraid to put all my effort and energy.

Comparison with the other, and the existence of myself and consciousness
It is often said that the world is composed of many comparison with the other people, in other words, we are living in a competition everyday. But also it's said it's not…...
The answer is…..both. We can't avoid compete with other people, but it's also possible to be alone to struggle with problems. It's all up to myself and the use of consciousness.
People are always afraid of how they are looked by the other, and they always want to get comfort by making sure at some points they are superior to the other. Actually this is the easiest way to be in such relaxing state, though it's very fragile as well at the same time. Surrounding environment and people are always changing…so to receive steady comfort, we also have to change ourselves….
Well, on the other hand, if I put very importance in myself, in a sense, it's stable object to be compared, so can be strong. Well, it doesn't mean I give up the way to challenge, but by that way, I can challenge new things without paying any attention to the other. Holding something unchangable (well, of course this's also distorted every moment, but it's about myself, it's difficult to notice it) can get rid of nervousness.

Probabilistic world and conincidense
The world is the subsequence of probabilistic occurance and coincidence. Though, we can control such probabilities as we want. If I want to achieve something but if I don't do anything further, I assume it's only 5% to be success. But if I read books, ask some people, or even tell the other people that I want to achieve….that probability might increase up to 10%....and so on….till it'll be 100% and be completed. By thinking in this way, the life would be much joyful, won't it?? If I do this now, some probabilities will increase…
so the life is to get interaction with as many thing as possible then to raise the probability to let the dream come true.
In quantum physics, as a interpretation of probabilistic behaviour of quanta, some people insisted the notion of this parallel world. There're infinite number of world, which are slightly different each other, then the next moment, the world which has the highest probability to be happen will be real. And at the same time, every other world tatally vanished, or consequently becoming the next candidate to be happened. We are living such a world, but if thinking that the ingredient itself can make influence of the sequence of the world, it's so interesting, and why not we try to make more change in our life??

gauge in mental and physical
There would be different gauge for mental and physical exhaustion. Latter one can be recovered after taking a sleep or eating something….but how can we do for the former one? Sometimes the cure can be love, can be the words from family or close friends, or sometimes time…...
I'd not care for my physical exhaustion so that I can do anything for other people, and I'm willing to do so. But I just found that it's just because I want to protect myself (well, this is in a sense instinctive nature of human?).....but in other words it can be said I'm selfish…. Anyway I did always avoid the thing which is accompanied by such expense of mental exhaustion. I was always try to be looked kind, but it's just I did avoid the worse situation.
In fact, I suppose it's quite superficial help, and will not reach other's deep mind. I just covered over the injury and make it unseen….but actually it's still hurting…...

Well, of course they are all my assumption and I don't know how the other find it…... But I should be kinder from my deepest heart.

I will be soon 22 years old and eventually in this mature time? I realised and could made my mind quite confortably. Some might say it's a bit late though, I think I came here step-by-step so I was already fully prepared to reach present conclusion.


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