All entries for January 2006

January 31, 2006

Which is the first?

Dinner tonight
Japanese Omlette
Vegetable stir-fry with balsamic honey flavour
Pork balls with aubergine and pepper with soy bean paste sause

Tonight, there's 5th seminar organized by IoP, titled 'Physics at the interface; what biology can learn from physicists.'
It's a combination of biology and physics?....well, it's all about function we understand in physics is already a part of creatures. Especially presenter was talking about liquid crystal and its application in the nature.

Some insects, you know, have metalic coloured skin, and how it can be?....their skin is quite specifically organised so that it reflect similar components of light as metals do. So it appears to be. And actually the structure is similar to the molecule structure of liquid crystal…?

Actually it's amazing that many insects and animals use polarised light to distinguish things from what they want to get. They may know physics already…..for when the sunlight reflects on the surface of water, it'll be polarised in the direction parallel to the surface…..and by which some birds make difference between the land, so that they can easily find water place (lakes, ponds, etc). And some creatures find another sex by polarised light….some find their feed by…..

What's more, the photorecepter(?) is almost same structure and fanction as liquid crystal. It might not be coincidense, but how we can say which is first?....photorecpeter tends to react against specific polarised light and wavelength….

Now we can see lots of application of liquid crystal, especially displaying on the screen, eg digital camera, mobile, calculater, etc…..and also other things must be from the nature.
Which is first? Creatures developed independently and human beings discovered its dominating physics independently?? or creatures has already known, or rather say, they developed so as to match the most effective shape and function, which is result of physics.
There was a physics there, then everything developed following physics…..? Then human being later found its dominant of the world.

Everything seem to be well-designed and well-structured…...It's quite a big mistery….

Which is the first?

January 30, 2006

Try to see invisible

In my trip to many places and especially gallaries or museums, I found intresting way to enjoy staying there.

When I watched a painting, I tended to just look carefully its colour, arrangement of things, painter's skill and so on…...but it's only a superficial matter…...Then I noticed that I didn't enjoyed it by myself. It's just imitating other's way.

The picture…'s painted…..and it's only a moment which painter wanted to leave it for the future, or wanted other people to feel something from it. Why he/she cut out it and chose only the moment?'s like the time has stopped in the picture…...well, it's often said that photographer devotes his all effort and attention to only a moment, and cut the picture out of the world. To be a memory, to tell the truth, to express something…....

Well, how about, in turn, let the picutre move again??

People and things get more vivid colour again, and begin to move with noisy or quiet sounds…..Listen carefully…...then you'll be in the same world of the picture. People are talking in front of you, birds are hamming, leaves on the tree rustle each other, the sound of winds, the splash of water, joyful sounds of children…....
So…… may feel the wind itself, temperature itself…...

They may all imaginary view and senses….but I reckon this is the way the painter wants watcher to do, and the way I actually want to do now.

The things in the picture are stable…never changed…..but why not let them move? let them live? let them get out of flat 2D canvas?

Completed 25th entry~~

January 29, 2006

Performance weekend!!

This weekend I stayed in London to see ALEGRiA, but not fun only that, so finally saw 2 musicals (The phantom of the Opera and Lion King). What's more, when I arrivged on campus, there's the film, 'Pride and prejudice' on the show in the student cineca.

On Sat, directly wen Leister squere to get cheap theatre ticket, as I've already got the ticket for ALEGRiA a month ago, and got £31. After having light meal, went to Her majesty theatre… sat down.
My seat was at the top floor on the most right side, and in fact because of architecture of theatre, it's a bit bad place to see. We were asked to lean backeward so as the other people can see. But if so, in turn, I can't see….Tried to find intermediate position, both I can see and would not disturb the people on the bact seat seeing.
As I've seen this on the film in Japan, I know its plot so it quite helps me understood its stream. Because of not they said their words on their songs, it's a bit difficult for me catching whole. Welll, it's fortunate that it didn't turn out to be the big problem. Anyway, that's becasue I was get involved in the world of the play. I'm quite speachless to describe how I felt there, but….moved, impressive, fantastic, etc…such words may express my emotions. Well, what I was most excited was the effect of everything on the stage. At first I was a bit disappointed that the stage was so smaller than I expected. But sooner after the play started, it was wrong. Actors and actresses uses full size of the stage, not only the floor, but also climb up, also can use deep back of the stage…..And even thought it's happened on that stage, I felt as if we were going through many places, deep and high.
Here I presumed that I was intrigued to see their skillful effect to get people involved in the musical.

Then I had time to wait for ALEGRiA, went to check in…..on the way I found one skilled street performer, who did robot-dancing. He is quite good~

ALEGRiA…'s soooo fantastic, althought finally I found it's similar play I've ever seen on the video. I saw tonight just 10m away from the edge of the stage, and quite nice view indeed (As I bought the most expensive ticket…). Sitting almost the centre of Albert hall, I could look over every seats there.
Every performer expecially I was excited at men's. Their body was well-trained (of course) and looked so nice there on the stage. It may also because they are doing amazing thing. Acrobat, contortion (they can bend their body backward or such ..), sychronized trapeze, Flying man (with two string of rubber, he flies and perform), Manipulation (lots of frafoop), Handbalancing (He supports his body with only his one arm), Aerial hight bar, Russian bars (perfomers jump and do tricks on the bar), Fire stuffs…..
With very matching music, every performance was added the accent and excite.
Of course their well-trained performance were soo marvelous, but what I was interested in was crowns. Their silly performance but got whole attention in the hall…
I'm not dismissing the skillful tricks, but I may think in my deep mind, people can reach their levels after ages-practice, but I don't think I can be a crown even after more and more training. So it's why I praise and respect them.
In fact it's soooo funy, astonishingly, though they didn't even say anything except for mur-mur. Finally they got the most claps from all the audience…..
I just felt how happy it is to perform in front of such a lot of audience and in the great place. For every performers today, I can't stop praising and looking up them.

On Sun, in the morning I've got the ticket in this afternoon, so I decided to explore the place in London I've never been….First I headed to Bond street where lots of famous brand shops are there, but it's on Sun. None of shops was open in the morning; they open at 12pm usually on Sun…...And also I tried to find Vivianne westwood, which my friend likes. So if I could find, I'd just looked around…...well, I coudn't after all. I should come here checking exact address….

Then by accident I found posh restaurant there, the name is 'Gordon Ramsay's….'..
Here in the UK there seem to be many famous chef on TV and on magazine. And I actually a fan of him?....though I have't know him so much, but when I found him on the book, I thought he is a great chef in my first sight. Another chef….Jammie Oliver…..I don't know him either well. He is also famous and has lots of fan. Well, I actually respect him what he's done in schools.

Anyway, spending time in Bond street and around Waterloo, it's time to go to see Lion King (Upper circle….at the most top, back seat….£37). It's not really a good place but I could see all the stage so it's OK, I was satisfied.
Lion King… many of my friends and rumor told me, it's really nice play. Through their songs, I felt I was totally involved in the world, joyful, sad, happy, revenge, love…..I think I sort of understand why many people are addicted to go to see musicals even paying expensive fee, for I actually am!.....HA~
As some people told me, singing a song, they can't express their emotions, and I think I catched it. Before seeing musical, I thought I can't understand why they have to sing, but now the answer is quite clear. Their emotions come out with melody. When they are happy, words are followed by joyful songs…..
Here, of course, I was also pulled into the world of crown…..Timo (monkey) and Zazu (bird) are playing a role of sort of crown, and they made people laugh all the time in the musical, changing sounds of voice, their movements, etc.

They are not the main character and presumably they exist to support the main, but they always got much attention at the end as well as the main does. Sub-characters can also be the main in a sense…..Simply amazed…..
Well, of course the plot in Lion King was really intersting and I can recommend everybody to see this.

Woven by lots of strings:music, act, colour and decoration, etc. I understood the one musical exist.

Arrived at campus, having half an hour rest, I went student cinema, today Pride and Prejudice originally written by Jane Austin, British writer; the love of aristcrats?.... Maybe because after seeing musicals(?), I couldn't catch whay actually they say much….um….
Well, it's interesting one as emotions on their face were well-described, I felt. And the life; as if the tides put forward and pulled back….

As a souvenier for myself, I bought one Japanese book in Japan Centre. It's about the 5 lives lived by 5 young people. They finally committed suiside because of each reason. Why they had to choose in the way? Was there any way to help them?........with their last statements and the family's letter's to them…....

I can't stop crying reading the book…...

I don't know why I chose this book there…..but I quessed it's just after I made my mind on my future…...on contrast they made their mind to the ends. They couldn't do what they want to do…(one of young boy wrote on his last statement).....but now I can do anything I want still…...
The book

January 27, 2006

A bit worse

Still having a cold, and the state is a bit worse, though still I can be awake and could go to lectures.
Today, I tried to take a nap in the day, and somewhat I could. Althogh once it was disturbed by fire alarm…...
However still not fully well…...I have to recover from a cold, as I'm going to London tomorrow (stay one night) to see ALEGRiA and some musicals, if possible with a friend. I have to cure…...

Anyway, I'll complete 25th entry, as this is a sort of my result I gained through my stay in the England. I don't know how long it takes…..a little by little (or just I'm not in good condition to keep writting now). Now progress is about one-third…..a lot to go.

January 26, 2006

A cold….

As usual(?), after having some tough work, I always caugh a cold and so do now…..I actually have been having a cold for 2 weeks, but recently it gets worce. I don't have any fever and any other symptom except for throatache, so it can be said it's fortunate. But it's so annoying as my mind and mental is quite good and energetic, but contradictly my body is terrible.

So I'll try to go to bed quite early to take an enough rest, though I'll update previous entries today.

Today, shortly I'll finish.

January 25, 2006

My goal? My pride?........

Today there was a graduation ceremony and I met there with one postgraduate. After her ceremony I made an appointment to meet here with my friend, then it's really good time.

When I meet some people and hear some story about which they have experienced, I was always impressed and fascionated by it, and so is today.

She finished her master degree this september, and once she went backk to Japan. And it's amazing that she already found the job and started working from December.
I'm not thinking of hunting a job soon after my graduation, but instead I want to pursue my postgraduate study. Even though my mind is such, her talk about her experience through seeking jobs was quite impressed and somewhat encourage me doing new things. And acutally I thought it's not bad doing some work now instead of postgraduate.
To be honest I was a little bit wodered if I can keep studying due to some instinct to sense physical concept. In addition, I even realised my smallness of my world. I don't simply say getting a job is the only way to expand my knowledge and experience, but just we felt she looked so cool and bright! That's why I want to leap into new world and challenge what I've never done before.

What I learned from her is that I'd be more active to act, seek information, etc…The visible thing does not only exist, but behind it, there are much more things to be done. Also I felt as I learned how to prepare my mind for job hunting.

At night I went Mai's room and had a chat for finally 6 hours~She actually asked me to meet up at some points to talk about serious thing for she seemed to wonder some tihngs. So if I can I'd give her directions, though I don't have such a strong right? Anyway meet her and discussed?, or say, exchange remarkable ideas each other.
Well at the time I met her, many many things coincidently happened on her, so she seemed to have sorted out almost already.

My dream
Now my dream, even for far distant future and of course nearly future, began to be seen in my mind. As I wrote before, I want to pursue studying physics and hopefully want to be a physicist. Well, as I had a great time in Italy in summer, where I met one Japanese guy and talked about cooking. Well, I'll describe why here comes cooking to me and why want to be a chef. Then in addition to these, I also want to practise juggling and pantomiming, in general performing, in front of lots of audience…...then baker, patissier…....etc.

In this few weeks, I was held up in dancing and actually no time to spend free time for myself, even thinking and mediating….But in the dance we did in OWW, especially on Tue, the performance was combination of So-ran and pantomiming, which I did. Through this OWW, all the other members were aiming to perform on Sat, One World Party, and those who did on the day were big smile when they danced, although I was quite serious. To be honeset, the most I smiled was the moment I did pantomime on Tue. Some seems to think the Tue one was inferier to the Sat one, but it's other way around for me. It was really fun and really enjoyed myself performing in front of huge audience showing my skills. I could rarely have a chance to do in the way, though I performed in Glove cafe before.
Anyway what I want to say is that I realised that I was so excited when I perform in front of audience, 'showing my talent.'

Cooking…...I thought it was just a hobby for me, or even it's just to satisfy our appetite everyday…...but through my life in Warwick and Sapporo, many of my friends whom I served my dishes told me my cooking was sooo tasty and sometimes kindly said to me I should be a chef. But for a long time, I just took such comments as a superficial one….I didn't take it seriously, that might be because I didn't have confidence(Well I'll write about 'confidence' later) enough to be proud of my skill.
But here all the time I cooked something, many, or can be said, everybody told me in great way…..I always didn't know how to react to such saying…...but now I'm a chef.
And due to the guy in Italy, who told me the interest of cooking and the toughness of it…...though, I was just intrigued by the world of cooking. I think cooking is also largely connected to performing because both of skills can make people smile and surprised. 'I think I really want to see other's smile and it's what I should do.'

On contrast, Mai also seemed to reach some goal, though can be said just a starting points as well. She has been studying films so far, but she recently realised what she wants to do is doing tightly concerning to fashion and make-up. Owing to her mother, she found her sort of conclusion… I was actually helpless….ha~ Well, I can also tell my ideas above to her, so it's also great for me.

My pride on every skills I have
As I wrote in the section above, I was not sure whether I can proud of my skills, or being modest is good I thought. Well, here, many people praised my skills and after OWW, I jsut thought it's useless if I don't do so and show them to a lot of people.

Confidence… Japnese it's apparently written as to believe myself. It doesn't say any more so believe what??.......I think it's everything we have and also, actually this is my main idea, to believe my success.
To believe myself, my talents, my skills…....which looked all different but I think all is saying just one concept; my success. What's important is not just imagine success, but do as if it's 'real'. I think there's no room to be cut into by comparison with the other. It's not a competition I suppose as it's just self-fighting. When it comes to thinking of my rank among people, such idea would spoil my confidence by knowing the real…..Well, there would be many ways to consider confidence and I just take the most relaxed one, so that will not disturb my way.

Power of Words
I haven't realised how extent I myself make influence on the other…...and yesterday I was noticed that…'s too strong….and sometimes I did constrain the other people…....
All I worry is….I can give some advices but it might mislead people because of my saying…...I should make sure of best careful on my selection of words….and have to take care of people I'd give my words….....
I just worried how many people were influenced by my words and how many people chose another way….....Do I think it too much??

To love people, to pass words to people
To be considerate to the other, and especially when giving an advice…we have to take the most care of themselves. It is not easy like just give and receive but person who gave some advice to the people, in turn, have to take (all) responsibility of them. When I think of them, I should remember what I talked. And if in case they failed to something, I don't say I'm resposible for all but should consider the way to get out from bad situations. Not only love affair, to love people means such above. Love is not the problem between boys and girls, but just person to person…..

Philosophy, ideas and christianity
Everybody appears to have their own religion, which is sometimes coincidently able to classify in the same category; Christianity, Islam, Buhdism, Shintoism, etc….But nowadays, each person has each own idea and spend their time following its discipline.

When facing to myself, what we can see inside?

Sometime I tried to seek deeply into myself but often came out in vain. In this small organism, there's infinite range of space containing enormous knowledge, emotional motions, instinct, intuitive breakthrough…..all the things creat only one… on earth how much of things exist in this world? Can only one person hold all of them?
For ages ago, like Leorand da vinci, many people have lots of talents, like him; he is an architect, a painter, a scientist, a philosopher, a doctor, an anatomist, a inventer and so on. But still he couldn't hold everything…..How brilliant the result we have after the forever-lasting human activities.

My passion on Physics and all the other stuffs
I actually haven't explained how physics contributes in this world to other people even though I still haven't comprehended fully yet. Well, today, I told what I'm learning, what I'll learn and where I'm seeking to reach the very depth of physics. Starting from the scales of the world, stepping down to cell, molecules, atom, nuclear and finally reachs quark (presently thought as the tiniest composition of the world), and also climbing up to the larger scale to the size of the universe. And it's quite difficult, even for me, that I talked about the strangeness of quantum behaviour….
I was actually not sure why I'm keeping studying physics, well, there must be something attractive, so do I ….but there was no clear answer to self-questioning. But when I explained above, I just realised how interesting the world is and it's where we live. There is only a passion to seek into. It's just like a child keeping asking questions; what is this? why it happens? If so, what'll be there?.......In this sense, including other subjects in general, studying is just ask questions. People are passionate to look beyond present position. And I think physics is the very subject which covers most of people's interst. From the size of atom to the tiniest world, and from the size of the earth to the universe, this is the range which physics is responsible for. From molecules to the size of human, the other subject, such as chemistry, medicine, sociology, etc. is responsible for… huge physics have to hold!!

The reason why I study physics is just that I want to know more of our world we are living.

People we've met through our lives, friends...

*We were living in the world of the net of connection of people*
Owing to lots of friends, I reckon I reached the present state that I can receive some sort of mental comfort. Because one of my friends said to me, because of the support from a lot of friends, I'm not in trouble proceeding what I want to do, or rather, they encourage me to do even though they might not intend to do so.

My world and the other world
As described before on my blog, each world is like a bubble. Gradually blowing up but the surface doesn't have tension to let it shrinken….just it keep growing, though the rate of expanding is not consistent and it also depends person to person. When the two bubbles meet together, they interact and exchange something through its membrane, then both grow up a bit.
We are drifting such a sea of bubbles…..there're infinite number of them and they are also waiting to meet up with each other….

It's no use regretting but I can't stop doing so….....
I should learn something from it, and will never let it occur again. All I can do is…..All I don't want to is to see other's sad face. I hope everybody keep their smile always. Although it can't be true always, but if I have a power, I want let it smile…...

Follow what I want to do
Now that it's time to start anything I want, and not think of anything which will be barrier for me, I just do what I want to do. There're many factors which make us stop and make us go backward, but now I don't have to care. It's always there, but what I want to do is beyond them. I shouldn't see the things just infont, but should look beyond them. If I look the barrier, it might look as if it's huge rock and it seems to be impossible to climb up. But it might due to my over-estimation. If I look it closely, it may be just a small stone. I tends to worry too much and think something as if it's great task to overcome….but if I be relaxed and take no care of it….I may not notice it….just easily step forward….
What I want to do is just aiming at what I want to do. For them, I don't be afraid to put all my effort and energy.

Comparison with the other, and the existence of myself and consciousness
It is often said that the world is composed of many comparison with the other people, in other words, we are living in a competition everyday. But also it's said it's not…...
The answer is…..both. We can't avoid compete with other people, but it's also possible to be alone to struggle with problems. It's all up to myself and the use of consciousness.
People are always afraid of how they are looked by the other, and they always want to get comfort by making sure at some points they are superior to the other. Actually this is the easiest way to be in such relaxing state, though it's very fragile as well at the same time. Surrounding environment and people are always changing…so to receive steady comfort, we also have to change ourselves….
Well, on the other hand, if I put very importance in myself, in a sense, it's stable object to be compared, so can be strong. Well, it doesn't mean I give up the way to challenge, but by that way, I can challenge new things without paying any attention to the other. Holding something unchangable (well, of course this's also distorted every moment, but it's about myself, it's difficult to notice it) can get rid of nervousness.

Probabilistic world and conincidense
The world is the subsequence of probabilistic occurance and coincidence. Though, we can control such probabilities as we want. If I want to achieve something but if I don't do anything further, I assume it's only 5% to be success. But if I read books, ask some people, or even tell the other people that I want to achieve….that probability might increase up to 10%....and so on….till it'll be 100% and be completed. By thinking in this way, the life would be much joyful, won't it?? If I do this now, some probabilities will increase…
so the life is to get interaction with as many thing as possible then to raise the probability to let the dream come true.
In quantum physics, as a interpretation of probabilistic behaviour of quanta, some people insisted the notion of this parallel world. There're infinite number of world, which are slightly different each other, then the next moment, the world which has the highest probability to be happen will be real. And at the same time, every other world tatally vanished, or consequently becoming the next candidate to be happened. We are living such a world, but if thinking that the ingredient itself can make influence of the sequence of the world, it's so interesting, and why not we try to make more change in our life??

gauge in mental and physical
There would be different gauge for mental and physical exhaustion. Latter one can be recovered after taking a sleep or eating something….but how can we do for the former one? Sometimes the cure can be love, can be the words from family or close friends, or sometimes time…...
I'd not care for my physical exhaustion so that I can do anything for other people, and I'm willing to do so. But I just found that it's just because I want to protect myself (well, this is in a sense instinctive nature of human?).....but in other words it can be said I'm selfish…. Anyway I did always avoid the thing which is accompanied by such expense of mental exhaustion. I was always try to be looked kind, but it's just I did avoid the worse situation.
In fact, I suppose it's quite superficial help, and will not reach other's deep mind. I just covered over the injury and make it unseen….but actually it's still hurting…...

Well, of course they are all my assumption and I don't know how the other find it…... But I should be kinder from my deepest heart.

I will be soon 22 years old and eventually in this mature time? I realised and could made my mind quite confortably. Some might say it's a bit late though, I think I came here step-by-step so I was already fully prepared to reach present conclusion.

January 22, 2006


Yesterday, I did the (so called) last perfomance, though the actual last chance to show our dance is on next Tue, and then we drunk until early morning…....

The first impression after perfoming is actually just to sigh… every burden on my shoulder has been removed, well contradictly I didn't feel comfortable or happy…....and it's not tiredness…....

I do know what they are, or say, I convinced just by myself….....

Anyway, our performance has got really good reputation, or even before our dance, many people asked us they looked forward to seeing ours. It was really a good news for us so as to get rid of our nervousness.
Even though the first beat of music can't be heard, so we couldn't start as we usually did in practice, we could somewhat finish our performance…...

It was really pity as we practised in 12 members, but only chosen 7 members can perform on the day…...

We were all exhausted since almost all of us have got injuris more or less seriously… girl's was quite terrible….But she did sooooo nice, on contrast, she can't stand up because of pain on her back waist. I really wish it will get better quite soon.
The dance should be fun…....I heard such phrases from many of my friends as I always told our practice at late night when I met them…and it's toughness…..

Anyway, we finished drinking after our performance at 5.30am…....though I had to meet some friends at 9am…....then I made quite a big mistake…..I should've not slept… I overslept……....terribly sorry….....
We had a birthday party for 2 of JYA students, so I was to go with other friends to go to buy some foods…....but finally I was awake at 12pm…..........

Birthday party was quite good as other (not me) prepared 'Nabe (Kimuchi and Soya bean soup)' and they were so tasty~
It's also good to see some JYA students as I didn't meet some of them for such a long time that I nearly lost my words to start…....

I really regret myself today… I was sooooo easily to get angry to the others, so some would feel fury…...

I'm not feeling well nor sick…..but it's just nothing…...emptiness…....
It can be said that I achieved something yesterday, but I also feel it's due to the other thing…..I know that….....

I actually felt ill in this week because of packed schedule and I couldn't really have my time to be relaxed and think of, arrange, adjust and modify myself. Everything passed by quite fast…..
It might not be true, but I even feel as if this week is the meaningless week in my life…....

I can't really think of anything…..I may need a long rest… 1 day sleep… forget eveything I take it too much seriously…..

Everything should be much easier but I tend to perceive things differently and complicatedly.
I should follow my instinct…....don't care for coolness and the feeling the other might hold to me…..I shouldn't care other's eyes….....
I have too much sesitive but mean self-conscious…....such a rubbish thing is my dominant now….....

I really want to be alone….....I really want to be in crowded place…...

This is my feeling now….....I don't really know what to do…...what I can do? Do I have any person I can have a consult with? Who?
Who I can really be honest to tell everything I'm wondering now?

I frequently thought of escaping from here to protect my self-conscious…...I'm collapsing now…...need to be fixed…..need to be reconstructed…....

My vail surrounding me is now quite thin…..that things can easily penetrate into my deep core… I get sad, angry, happy…...but missing and lost…....

Heart without a home…...I suppose this phrase quoted from a song express my feeling quite well… heart is now drifting, floating, flowing…...without any intention of moving…..without any purpose and destination to head….without noticing which is up-and-down and right-and-left…...

I don't want perfect…....but I have perfectism…...everybody says me I can do anything quite well, though I really hate the words…...This is just my assumption but by they saying so I felf as if I was rejected from their community…....making a border between them and me…..isolation?
I'm not a perfect…............................................I'm not.

January 19, 2006

Last few days…..

Mentally and physically exhausted already…...though it's the only a few days to finish….....

January 18, 2006

World Fashion Show

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