December 22, 2005

Time to Sort Out My Life (Part 1)

So it has kinda hit me that a) Iím in my final year and b) I need to start thinking about jobs and c) I donít want to go home home.

Being at home home for the last two weeks has made me realise I donít belong here. Either that or Iím not ready to come home just yet. As much as I love seeing family and friends and eating amazing food and buying lots of cheap stuff I feel I have unfinished business to attend to first.

So anyway I have written (well okay typed) a list of possible options which I could do in order to stay in the country. Any other ideas (be it stupid or actually useful) are encouraged and welcome.

Winnieís List on How to Stay in the Country:

1. Get a job. Obviously the most direct and logical solution to problem. However whilst itís all fine and dandy, people do not seem to realise that a) it is very very difficult for foreign people to get jobs especially because of work permit issues, b) the foreign people who do get decent jobs here are basically brilliant and wonderfully clever, which, alas, I am not, and c) (somewhat related to previous two points) I need to actually GET the job first as in pass an interview (that would be a miracle).

2. Get any shitty job. Pub job. Sex job? But coming to think of it I donít even think that will work because will need work permit and hence same problems as in 1. So maybe scrap this point.

3. Live illegally by living in [insert nice personís name here]ís wine cellar/basement. Now I would probably have said Niamhís wine cellar/basement (the light of my lifeÖchoke choke cough cough) but the thought of Niamh owning a house at this point in time, which actually includes a wine cellar/basement is actually inconceivable to one's right mind at the moment. Considering that I make fun of her being a hippy who lives in a trailer. And trailers do not have wine cellar/basements And the fact that I said Iíll build her a house so she doesnít have to live under a bridge. Could get any shitty job as in point 2 but if Iím planning to become a millionaire by the time Iím 35 this isnít really the best way to start.

4. Take full advantage of the ĎScience and Engineering Graduate Schemeí. Just came across this and it totally made my day. Note to self must find out more about it. However itís only for a year. And the last time I checked a year does not equal to FOREVER. But I guess I can buy some time with this little baby.

5. Actually graduate so can take advantage of above points. No wait, actually DONíT graduate! Aha!

6. DON'T graduate i.e. fail year or find excuse to repeat year and/or degree. Solution however is, once again, short term.

7. Do another degree. In what though? Hippy studies?! And where? And Iíll be old!

8. Obtain a British passport illegally. Any ideas how to go about this?

9. Fake death.

10. Become asylum seeker. (Thanks Loser for reminding me)

11. (Level of desperate-ness increases exponentially with this and forthcoming points) Find rich man to marry (sex and children NOT part of deal, will live in separate housing and have separate lives), then eventually divorce and run away with all his money. If canít find rich then any decent man. If canít find any decent man then any man. If canít find any man then, well, erÖ..AHA! Civil partnerships have been implemented as of 19th DecemberÖ.

12. Find rich woman to marry (sex and children NOT part of deal, will live in separate housing and have separate lives), then eventually divorce and run away with all her money. If canít find rich then any decent woman. If canít find any decent woman then anyÖ..oh wait. Actually need first to find out if being in said civil partnership enables me to stay in country, because if not scrap this point.

13. (ABSOLUTE last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last resort) Consider being mail order bride. I actually cringed when I typed this. Oh. Dear.

Okay stupid ideas and pointless rambling over. Iím off to go swimming in the moonlight.

- 37 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. 13. Disguise yourself as someone else. Wearing hippy clothes and screaming should be sufficient to fool anyone into thinking you're Niamh. Or wear tight jeans and go day-clubbing then they'll just assume you're Boz. Or be a loser… I think we can see where this is going.

    22 Dec 2005, 12:22

  2. Holly you are actually amazing. Like a HAWK you are, like a HAWK! I don't blog for 29048234209823042 years and the minute I do BANG! you're on it!

    But yes the disguise thing is good except for the fact that dressing up like them will not make me actually look like them. Nor will it change my height. Nor will it change my fingerprints. Nor will it change my DNA….I think we can see where this is going.

    22 Dec 2005, 13:11

  3. Holly doesn't miss a thing Winnie! Though taking over half an hour is unusual!!

    22 Dec 2005, 18:03

  4. how bout quit bloggin and start applying fooooool.
    my friend works in customs and has to search the lorries for "smelly aufgans" her words, not mine. il give her a few quid and im sure she'l let you through. u just need to get to france, jump on a lorry and then come to dover and your new career can be an "assuylum seeker", pays well iv herd.

    22 Dec 2005, 22:29

  5. I blog ONCE Loser and you tell me to stop blogging. Where's the love I tell you where where where? And what is an 'aufgan'? Is it some immigrational term which I don't know about? Or is it what I think it is and you just spelt/typed it wrong. And what is the actualfuckingpoint of me LEAVING England to GO to France to jump on a lorry and then go BACK to England?

    23 Dec 2005, 02:53

  6. P.S. Thanks for reminding me re: asylum seeker thing it's now on my list :D

    P.P.S. HELEN SLIPPER! I think we should conduct an investigation: "How Holly manages to find our new blog entries and comment on them at lightning speed(ish)". Possbile theories for the cause: 1. She checks everyone's blogs every minute of every hour of every day. 2. She has clever computer program which will alert her via email and textual messaging when someone has written a new entry (unlikely, but possible). 3. She's predicts when everyone is most likely to blog and pounces like a hawk (don't History students do lots of prediction stuff?)

    23 Dec 2005, 03:04

  7. i have the solution to all your problems: my maid just quit, my house has fallen down and my brother needs a wife. Boz = always has the answer.

    23 Dec 2005, 12:50

  8. an old old old, mingin, skanky, gross, old man

    hello miss winnie,
    my name is melvin, and im looking for a wife. I like the asian girlies and i hear you have a predictament where i might be able to help. I am very rich, like hugh heffner, but im very ugly and slightly perverted, and im a 74 year old virgin. Touch my bum, i like that. would you like to wed me? i will keep you very well, you can have all the money in world if you'l only suck my wrinkley balls. how does that sound young winnie?
    yours in desperation to get laid before i die,
    love and kisses

    23 Dec 2005, 22:54

  9. how can you refuse win?!

    24 Dec 2005, 01:07

  10. Dear Melvin,

    Whilst I am incredibly flattered by your offer, I think I am going to consider points 1–10 on my list first before I even think about thinking about considering the thought of the idea of the concept of you.

    As you are, well, getting on, and if you are extremely desperate and cannot bear to wait any longer for me to turn you down again, may I suggest you to someone else? It is well-known that she has a penchant for old men. Her name is Cat. If you are interested, please let me know and I will forward you her details.

    With kindest I-will-never-suck-your-wrinkly-balls regards,


    24 Dec 2005, 14:59

  11. kfc

    dear miss winnie,
    Thankyou for your recent application to become a chiken popcorn cooking assistant. Thankyou for your CV which included your life experiences. I am sorry to inform you, however, that you have been rejected by Colornal Saunders himself, due to your lack of work experience. I was unable to understand how lazing around playing computer games in asia shows any of the drive and committment, even if you did nearly reach level 3 of doom. I am afraid this is not really the type of accomplishment we look for.
    Good luck with the job hunting,
    Mr KFC

    27 Dec 2005, 19:34

  12. ronald mcdonald

    sorry miss fly,
    if kfc dont want you, we definatly dont.
    Merry chrsitmas

    27 Dec 2005, 19:36

  13. melvins wife

    Dear winnie,
    I fully appreciate why you chose not to take up melvins kind, but also slightly perverted offer. We are no longer together sadly, after I found him searching "asian titty shows" on google. He then tried to blame our pet hamster, however I really do not think a hamster could do such a thing, i mean how could he get out of his gold encrusted cage. Anyway, i digress. I would like to offer my assistance. I am soon to be very rich, having filed for a divorce. If I could now draw your attention to point 12 on your list. Having sucked melvins balls (he likes that) I have been turned away from men, and you, my dear, have caught my attention. Il tickle your pink bits if youl only let me.
    We could could get "civiled partnershipped" and have a great life together, without melvin and his wrinkly balls.
    Please think about it dear, I think we all know its what you want.
    Go tell MCD'S and KFC to Fcuk themselves, I love you.
    Yours dangerously in love with yooooooooooooou,

    Melvins Wife (the 3rd one)


    28 Dec 2005, 17:36

  14. The Beutiful South

    Dont marry heeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, fuck me…

    02 Jan 2006, 11:25

  15. Dear "The Beutiful South", while I am flattered I don't think I could fuck anyone who can't spell. And to Melvin's (third) wife, while I am flattered too by your proposition, I don't think I could marry anyone who has sucked a 74-year-old man's balls. Thanks though.

    And to everyone else, if I ever were to marry a woman, the only woman I would want to marry is CAT. That's right. We have disucssed how we're to elope to Brazil didn't you know?

    02 Jan 2006, 12:46

  16. cat

    yes thats right, i can teach football to the brazilian kids and you can build mud huts.

    02 Jan 2006, 14:21

  17. My mate is going to Brazil in a few weeks, you can go and live with her. I'm sure she'll be happy to conduct your wedding ceremony on the beach whilst the little footballing children sing songs about your love! Lovely.

    02 Jan 2006, 14:29

  18. How the hell was I supposed to know that that was a song?

    And Holly can your 'mate' actually officially marry people?

    Me + Cat 4 Eva

    02 Jan 2006, 15:00

  19. To answer your questions one at a time:

    How the hell was I supposed to know that that was a song?

    It was a big hit here about ten years ago. No help to you I'm sure as you were in Asia. We'll get Els to give you a brief lesson in the Beautiful South at some stage.

    And Holly can your 'mate' actually officially marry people?

    Dunno, probably not but her family have a lot of hidden and unusual talents.

    Me + Cat 4 Eva

    Oh yes, it was meant to be!

    02 Jan 2006, 17:11

  20. cats real lover

    Y I MAN, winnie,
    what the hell do u think your doing cracking onto my girl cat, shes mine! i can understand you falling for her, i did as soon as i saw her head that ball and boot it away during your recent matches, i knew it was love when she turned round and went, fuk me that balls hard.
    anyway, cat and i are going to run away the newkcastle, and marry like proper jordies, on the turf of saint james, Y I MAN!
    watch your back


    03 Jan 2006, 10:45

  21. cats real lover

    wait a minute, i dont mean to be rude but…. (also the title of my best selling autobiography that cat requested for christmas) i am cats real lover. She often tells me how much she loves my trousers being pulled up around my chin,
    lets be honest i have the real xfacter than no other man can offer her, alan get back to scoring goals u cheeky geordi bastard, winnie, cat is mine, shes loves sleezy, skanky, quite mingin old man, and i am perfect.
    simon c

    04 Jan 2006, 16:58

  22. a football

    but cat, i thought me and u were ment to be together… FOREVER..

    04 Jan 2006, 17:01

  23. blog

    please winnie, i miss you, please make a new entry, i need you winnie and feel so empty without you, please fulfil me, please….

    13 Feb 2006, 22:09

  24. blog

    happy valentines day winnie, y dont u repay me by bloggin…

    14 Feb 2006, 14:15

  25. Cat have you got nothing better to do? Hmmmm?

    14 Feb 2006, 14:59

  26. not cat

    haahhahahaha- y would it be cat posting!

    14 Feb 2006, 15:05

  27. Michelle Harris

    Hello. I am contacting you on behalf of channel four. Due to the success of the last radio show we produced in your area about the use and abuse of cannabis, we would like to approach you (Winnie and Cat) to help us in out latest documentary "Asian Housewife and Football Obsessed Law-Type" to be filmed and aired later this year. Please email me at and let me know if you would be interested.



    16 Feb 2006, 23:52

  28. cat

    thanks for your interest, sounds a bit gay tho, so no thanks

    17 Feb 2006, 16:51

  29. lol many sound solutions. rich woman sounds like a good option. make sure she's attractive though, incase u're ever famous and they track down your ex's – eeek imagine the embarrasment! i'd offer, but i'm not rich or attractive! good luck xx

    04 Mar 2006, 17:06

  30. life sorter

    sorted your life out yet?

    09 Mar 2006, 21:00

  31. Not even close. But seeing that you are a 'life sorter' perhaps you can help me out?

    10 Mar 2006, 12:20

  32. life sorter

    always here to help! What needs sorting? I enjoy sifting through peoples underwear draw and sorting them into crusty and non-crusty, like me to help in that way?


    18 Mar 2006, 12:54

  33. Cat you are terrible

    19 Mar 2006, 18:57

  34. Terrible Cat

    yes, yes i am.
    hows ur mum?

    30 Mar 2006, 18:00

  35. is there ever going to be a part two to this entry?!

    10 Apr 2006, 23:43

  36. DM

    Hello random person i don't know. I put 'sort my life out' into google and got connected to here! I totally understand the hassle of going home home. I think your best option is to get a GB passport. My friend has two and might sell you one! You'll hav to change your name to Murray Kenith Francis and have a sex change but hey, desperate times….. Hope it all works out

    01 Jun 2006, 18:54

  37. Messy Life

    Q Whats worse than being 25 and having done nothing with ones life?

    A Moving back home and being reminded of this “fact” by ones mother.(at 6.30 in the morning)

    I long for the day when google really will have the answers to lifes tricky questions.

    15 Jan 2007, 22:52

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