I [Heart] Karaoke
Karaoke is awesome.
The story beings like this: I never, NEVER was a fan. In fact one might say I somewhat despised it. I could think of nothing worse than going up and singing a song (badly) while everyone looks at you and ducks for cover. You know how it goes. You’re in a Karaoke lounge (or anywhere involving karaoke) and someone is trying to sing Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On. And hits a bad note. As in reeeeallly really ridiculously badly. So bad your ears hurt and you cringe. You may even squeeze a few tears out. Well, exactly. Imagine if you’re the one causing the suffering. Would you really want to do that? Would you? Would you really want to cause that much extra suffering in the world? I think not.
But now, as I’m older and a little bit wiser, a bit better looking (with nicer hair), I have had a change of heart. After been dragged along to Karaoke with mates, I decided okay, the only time I’ll sing is when I’m drunk so that even if it’s bad, who the fuck cares because I’ll be drunk drunk drunk. Sort of the same line of thinking with me and dancing. So then I sat and I got drunk. And then I sang. Then I realised it got to be well fun. Where else can you sing Kylie’s Love at First Sight jumping and prancing about? Or Spice Girls’ Who Do You Think You Are? My favourites. It’s well fun.
Then as the Karaoke-attending sessions increased exponentially, my paranoia about what other people thought of my singing decreased slightly. But the beauty of it was that I wasn’t really standing and singing in front of loads of people. Some genius built a place whereby you get your OWN room. That’s right. So you have your own TV, and mics and you can sing whatever the hell you want in front of your mates. And a fancy smancy system where you can select via remote control your songs by artist, genre, title, top 20 or language. And personally I would rather sing like a dickhead in front of my friends as opposed to random strangers.
As I write about my newfound love for karaoke I have mental images of stupid Niamh prancing around singing Blondie or Alanis or whatever rubbish she likes. And flicking through the list of songs and then screeching OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!! And then playing it 932094839 times for her to sing and for EVERYONE ELSE TO SUFFER. And Holly shutting her ears with her hands with a constipated look combining utter embarrassment, suffering and non-physical pain, then trying to bury her head into the couch ostrich-style the minute we sing Toxic by Britney. And Beerface singing like she’s the next American Idol. And then everyone singing “Theeeese Words are my own…………..I love you I love you I love you I love youuuuuuuuu”.
But really, it is actually, honestly great fun. I was never much of a singer, but with karaoke it’s just…great fun. I now know the next time any foreigner steps foot on my turf, I’m going to take them to a karaoke lounge. And even if you don’t sing, you can sit and drink and watch your friends either make twats of themselves or momentarily believe they have the potential to be the next Whitney Houston. And anyway, even if you suck, practice makes perfect innit.
Think about it, where else can you:
– Get 10-minute long Chinese songs, which, of course you have no idea how to sing it so you just watch the video (they actually all sound the bloody same);
– Sing Spice Girls or Britney without feeling ashamed;
– Sing in front of your friends only and not strangers;
– Pretend you’re singing with the whole group but really, you’ve turned the mic off;
– Be Gloria Gaynor for the moment singing “I Will Survive” (body language and hand actions included);
– Make up lyrics to songs on the spot, for example: “My loneliness is killing me, I must confess, I’m so horny (so horny), When I’m not with you I sleep around give me a sign…..hit my booty one more time”;
– Watch cheesy karaoke music videos;
– Have Eminem songs (no joke, try and rap a whole Eminem song, it’s classic. The best I could do was “Just lose it RAHRAHRAHRAHRAH, just lose it RAHRAHRAHRAHRAH”);
– Get Crazy Frog karaoke (no joke, bloody easy, just follow the words Ding ding dingdingdingdingding beep beep or whatever shit it is)?
Only. In. Asia.
This is the last entry of the Asian Diaries Summer 2005. No more karaoke for another 3 months. Goodbye forever.