February 25, 2005

The Story of the Grumpy Taxi Driver and Meadow–Skipping

I went out last night. I was celebrating:

1. Not touching a drop of alcohol for 5 straight days. Bloody world record for me. Not that I’m an alcoholic, rather I am a victim of what I shall henceforth call: alcoholic influencism. Which, effectively, is when people are influenced to drink. Nature of influence could be enforced (gun-point style) or not. Maybe I'll talk about and develop this theory at a later date. Justification of my theory my means of an example: I hang out around the likes of (for example) Niamh (my lovely Siamese-twin-who-isn’t-actually-Siamese sheep barmaid), Boz (beerface) and Els (someone I’ve found who gets to the same level of wastedness as me when taking same quantity of alcohol units). See? Alcoholic influencism. Obviously I don’t hang out with only these three people. I’m not that lame. And also, please don't think that when I do hang out with these three people it's not always about drinking. But anyway that’s not the point.

2. Handing in my final assignment for the term. I can now go out every night and spend all day in labs. Score.

3. No more (work-related) all nighters for the rest of the term. Woooooooooooooo!

But that isn’t really the point of the story. Today I am going to talk about grumpiness as a whole. To start it off, I will tell you what happened last night so as to get me thinking about grumps. I will try and retell the account as accurately as possible. But to be honest I was wasted (celebrating remember?!) and at time of writing this I’ve only had about 6 hours sleep total in the last two days. And if you don’t know, I love and need my sleep. If you said to me: “Winnie, what are your hobbies?” I would include sleeping as one of them.

So anyway, yeah. Went out last night. At the end of the night, Niamh and her people want to go back to campus, leaving me and Janinio the only two knobheads who need to get back to Leam. Niamh + family are in cab. And basically me and J get in the same cab because driver agrees (well muttered, he was a bit grumpy) to drop them back into campus and then us in Leam (Parish Church) for agreed reasonable fee. Quality. Drive drops campus people off. J lives like 5937493 miles away from Parish church so I ask POLITELY if it’s okay if he drops J off at hers and me at Parish Church, and I’ll pay him a bit extra cash if he wants. AND THEN he goes off on one! He starts grumbling about how people always take advantage of him and stuff. So I’m sitting in the cab on my innocent and sweet ass thinking er….what is he on about. Why is he so bloody grumpy? It’s not even justified grumpiness (Hahaha, you liked that didn’t you? Justified grumpiness. Quality phrase. I might add that to “Winnie’s book of quality words, phrases and sentences”). We weren’t taking advantage of him (stop sniggering you sick freak), we gave us a price to get back to Leam and we agreed with no protest, I offered to PAY him for the bloody slight detour. So how is that taking advantage eh? He’s a bloody taxi driver too, he drives people where they tell him to.

I am a grumpy person. I’ve never denied that. Although I think a lot of people think I’m REALLY grumpy but honestly I’m not that bad. Just because I don’t smile lots blablahblahblah (yes Miss A. Lean? I know you’ll be commenting about this issue sooner or later) doesn’t make me a constantly depressed/unhappy/grumpy person. Things like my impatience, high expectations and maintenance requirements and stubbornness contribute to the end result which is grumpiness.

For example. I am the grumpiest in the mornings. Because I like my sleep, when I wake up in the mornings, I’m sleepy and tired and want to go back to bed. Justified grumpiness. A general rule of thumb is that if Winnie is awake in the mornings, she doesn’t talk until after 12pm. So if someone springs up infront of my face as if she’s just been skipping in the fucking meadows surrounded by butterflies and singing birds with the bright sun (with a smiley face) in the background and goes “Gooooooooooooooooooooooood morningggggggggggggg Winnieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” or something similar to that, let’s just say I will not return the love. I may actually brick them.

Another example. Right now I am very tired and hungover and a little bit hungry in fact. Because of that I am a bit grumpy because all I want to do is sleep but not going to happen.

I know it annoys people when one is constantly grumpy. I probably annoy people because they think I am constantly grumpy. But I don’t really get that annoyed with it, because being grumpy myself I can understand. However I do get annoyed at unjustified grumpiness. Like the cab driver.

I know I grumble a lot but to be honestly most of the time it’s just messing about. But what frustrates me occasionally is that people think I’m constantly grumpy just because I’m not smiling every 2 seconds. Or that I have a relatively low voice and I don’t take my voice up like 1000 tones when excitable like how some people do. Or that I am more of a listener than a talker; additionally I’m not very good with words [insert foreign joke here] and can never say the right things at the right times, so I choose not to speak in case I fuck up what I want to say. Or that generally I’m not a hippy hyper happy ho. Or the fact that when I am in a pensive mood and want to think about “life and stuff” I am very quiet and don’t smile. These are all my physical and character traits. I was born with it and/or my background and upbringing has made me the personality I am today. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I am grumpy it is justified grumpiness. Of course there will be the occassional unjustified grumpiness. But the rest of it is just me. My personality and character. Me, myself and I.

I’m suddenly feeling very self conscious about this whole thing so I think I’m going to stop now. I like to think I’m deep and intellectual but currently I just feel like a tired and hungover fool who actually really is quite stupid and talks shit. I think I will go hide in my cupboard now.

Don’t really have words of “wisdom” on this account. But I suppose the moral of the story is this. If you are grumpy, make sure it is justified grumpiness. If not, you’ll just piss everyone off even more than usual. Yes understood that we are only human and you will have unjustified grumpiness, but honestly it’s not healthy. You don’t want to end up a “big fat grump” like me. So go and skip in the fucking meadows and make daisy chains.

So kids, theories/phrases you have learnt today, Winnie Fly style:
Alcoholic influencism
Justified grumpiness


February 08, 2005

Why I am the Coolest Second Team Captain EVER (and the story of the post–match minibus partay)

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I am feeling quite up myself today. I am known to have an extremely low self confidence. In fact up till the time I left home for the greener (and colder) pastures of what you people call “England” I was just a timid little girl who hid in a cupboard all day. Now I’ve come out of the cupboard (because it was too heavy to bring on a plane), I’ve found a new cupboard to hide in but I only hide on my off days. I will not go into my whole life story on why I have such low self confidence because really it is slightly on the personal and (traumatic) side. The point being I HAVE LOW SELF CONDIFENCE okay? Okay. Very good.

As I was saying, I am feeling quite up myself today. In fact I have been feeling quite up myself for the last few days. And I figured since I usually am humble and not up myself I would write about it as I think I’m overdue for some cupboard-hiding (i.e. self confidence is going to disappear soon). It was so weird. I went to Top B yesterday. The lameass thing was it was the first time I set foot in the union for a night event all term. But anyway, I was in Els’ room making final er….arrangements with my hair. And I looked at myself in the mirror and I actually screamed. I was like OH MY GOD Winnie you’re GORGEOUS! I was very taken aback. Because usually when you look in the mirror you’re concentrating on the big spot on your nose or something like that. I NEVER compliment myself. Especially not during mirror time. It was very weird. But I did look good, for my standards.

ANYWAy why am I writing this? I was inspired by Boz actually. I was reading her blog, and I realised how great I was. Hahahaha. It also helps that Boz always loves to compliment me. Cynics would say she's a bit of an Asian ass-kisser. But I say she is lovely and compliments me (even without me asking/threatening her) and beacuse of Boz I am writing this.

Last week Wednesday (2nd Feb) we had a football match away to Oxford. And since it was our last league match, I decided to have a post-match partay on the Minibus. So I asked my players to buy alcohol for the bus (if they wanted to drink).

I almost wasn’t going to go because I was actually injured as well as very unwell. But I decided to go and support/shout at my team on the sidelines. I was the coach for the day. Tee hee hee. [Reason #1 (to why I am the coolest captian ever): I went for my team even though I was actually, very unwell in the least hypopondriac way]

As I was unwell I decided I wasn’t going to drink but it the partay was more for the players to get to know each other and stuff. [Reason #2: I initiated and invented this post-match minibus drinking partay.] But I decided I was going to buy some alcohol for the others to drink. So I bought Friscino (not Lambrini because Friscino was a larger bottle = more alcohol for people to drink = price was not a factor at all = it tastes the bloody same anyway) as it was easy to carry around than cans. And also bought Pringles, Haribo and biscuits.

[Reason #3: I SELFISHLESS-LY initiated this post match partay, for the good of my team and so people get to talk and mix and stuff]

[Reason #4: I am GENEROUS and bought alcohol, drinks and snacks for my team]

After the match, we go to the pub and have a few drinks. I decide to be sociable and drink too. We end up back on the minibus (driven by our very own Becky Ward….bless her), where me and Boz proceed to finish the contents of our shitmix (refer to her blog). We had Claire sitting next to us drinking her cans and being very amused at our stupidity. And behind us we had Sian and a certain Miss Brunell (who I will not disclose her first name in the off chance she reads this and may kill me), drinking 15 degree bottles each.

I forgot to mention Miss Brunell was pretty much pissed up already before we got on the bus. She proceeded to get very, very drunk and was extreme comedy value. The star of the show, if you would like.

I’m happily drinking my shit mix and talking shit with Boz (as we do). I am also happily drinking the rank 15 degrees crap on Miss Brunell’s behalf (just so she could beat Sian in their "competition"). The minibus is buzzing and eventually we all start pissing ourselves because Miss Brunell is stuttering and slurring in her speech.

Oh and then we have a pee-stop. That involved Miss Brunell jumping out of the minibus even before it completely stopped and running off. That also involved me running after Miss Brunell (with my injured knee) shouting at her "For FUCKS sake will you SLOW down I'm actually injured and can't run!!!!!". It also involved Claire, Boz and Sian eventually running after us. The only reason I ran after her was because I didn't want her to get lost in the big rest-stop complex thing. And also because I was actually dying for a pee. But the funniest thing was, Miss Brunell knew EXACTLY where she was going, she didn't even stop to look at signs. Just zoom! zoom! zoom! and poof! there were the toilets! In fact I hadnt a clue where I was going and really was following her until she decided to stop running.

When we eventually do get back on campus, Cat tells me to come to Cholo. I wasn’t going to go to the social, but I thought I’ll go for a bit since Cat was going back at 8 and she would give me a lift. And Miss Brunell wanted to go so I thought I’d accompany her. Everyone else goes home to change/pass out/whatever. When I get out of the minibus the fresh air somehow manages to make the alcohol in my system go into my head and then Winnie is wasteddddddddddddddddddd. Hey! Ceri is here now! Hi Ceri! Oh wait Sian and Ceri aren't here anymore. Well I'll probably see them at social later. Sian does smell (only joking). Miss Brunell has a gangster hat! I want it! Miss Brunell won't let me have it! That bitch. Plan B. Winnie goes to Miss Brunell “OH MY GOD what is that??” [points in random direction], Miss Brunell unwittingly looks in direction Winnie is pointing at, Winnie smoothly swipes hat.

HAHAhahaha I have a gangster hat! [Reason #5: I am smooth and suave and look good in a gangster hat]

So Winnie and Miss Brunell go to the gangster social where there is Cat and Els (not because it was a lame social but it was still very very early and Els had to save seats). Els is impeccably dressed (as per usual) and looks a very good gangster. And for one hour, we drink more and become great comedy value for Els and Cat. I totally up my status as cool captain. [Reason #6: I am amusing and classic when drunk] Whoops! Miss Brunell has fallen off the chair.

Anyway. Miss Brunell is wasted. Winnie is wasted but not as wasted as Miss Brunell. Els and Cat are not wasted and thus laugh at us. Miss Brunell steals my hat about 15 times. And 15 times I steal it back using the “OH MY GOD what is that??”-and-pointing method. She falls for it EVERY time.

Eventually, I don’t remember what happens but we leave. Oh yes because Miss Brunell wants to go home. I decide to take her home because I didn’t want her to pass out in some bush or something. [Reason #7: I care about the welfare of others] When walking back Cat rings and says she's leaving now, but I said no it's okay you go back because we're still walking and will take ages and I'll get the bus home later. [Reason #8: I am naturally considerate in general]

We finally get back to Lakeside and Miss Brunell passes out in her bed. I spend 30 mins trying to find her duvet because she is cold. I finally realise (and she finally realises) that she was sleeping ON her stupid duvet. Now I have nothing to do and am confused because I have never been to Lakeside sober and I didn’t know how to leave. Should I stay and make sure she is okay or should I just try and find my way back to the bus stop? After much debate on MSN with Niamh (whereby her helpful advice was along the lines of “it’s up to you Winnie, okay I’m going to go eat noodles now byebye”) I decide to risk it and find my way back. I put the dustbin by her bed and a glass of water on the table. And leave. (I didn’t want her to make a mess in her lovely tidy room)

I finally get out of Lakeside after asking random people. Yes. They must think I really am a stupid foreigner. I blink blankly and innocently at them and go "excuse me, I'm really sorry but how do I get out of here?" I also find the water bottle that we had lost because Miss Brunell decided flinging it everywhere would have been funny. It was absolutely fucking freezing (the reason being I had unknowingly left my hoody at Lakeside…only knew about it the next day). Yay I find the bus! I get on the bus and pass out. By some miracle I wake up at my stop and I stumble home.

Result #1 (of my actions as the coolest captain ever): The second team I believe have a very unique rapport going on.

Result #2: Miss Brunell did not pass out in a bush in the middle of nowhere.

Result #3: I got to know a few people from my team a bit better. Everyone is absolutely lovely.

Result #4: I had a quality day and I sincerely hope the others did too. I actually still piss myself when I think of the number of times I managed to take back my hat from Miss Brunell.

I dedicate this blog to all my second team players. New and old, thanks for the season. Each and everyone of you are actually very lovely people. And also I am sorry if I let you down in any way (football-wise or not). But I do think you all are lovely. Special mention to Holly for getting MOTM and Siany for doing an excellent job as stand-in captain. And also to Boz and her Oxford mate passed-out Emma for making/giving the shitmix. And Becky Ward for driving the minibus and putting up with our drunkeness. And of course to Miss Brunell. You're fucking hilarious when you're wasted mate. The next time you decide to get wasted please for the love of god make sure I am there too so I can laugh at (and with?) you.

I like to say I write to inspire. So, albeit all this up myself crap I guess my message today is this. If you have a low self confidence like I do most days, and suddenly you have a “good” spell where you don’t need to hide in your cupboard (or under the bed, or in a dark corner, or…well you get my point), write about it. Or at least remember how you felt and perhaps it’ll give you some form of hope that you can build on this good spell. Because really everyone should be a little up themselves once in a while. It’s lifted me slightly and (hopefully) has not been any adverse effect.

And also I know something fantastic is going to happen to me because my life is wonderful and I’ll be back to the cupboard hiding. So I guess enjoy it while it lasts. No point hiding in cupobards all the time. The constant darkness may impair your vision.

Oh and one more thing. Paracetomol + Alcohol in Empty Stomach = (Very, Very Bad Idea)^100000000.

Winnie out.


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