I realised in Prague that maybe there is actually something wrong with me. I have never felt and done things so stupid and THICK AS PIGSHIT in my life. Why am I this stupid? What happened to me to become like this?
Actually I know the answer. Well the most likely reasons, namely:
1. Alcohol. Rather self explanatory.
2. My 9-month “gap” year.
Best time of my life. Did absolutely nothing. Woke up at 3–4pm everyday, had lunch, played computer/video games all day. Have dinner, go out with mates at night, come home, watch TV, go to bed at 3–4am. Repeated cycle. Needless to say the lack of brain stimulation and activity actually did have an effect. Second week in at uni, I couldn’t actually add up 9 + 6. I had to use my fingers. And then a calculator to verify. I am actually not joking.
But anyway, back to the story. Tour was unique for me mainly because of the stupid stuff I did or that happened to me. So without further ado, the “highlights” of Winnie’s escapades (a critical account):
You guessed it. All meeting at the piazza, had a passport check. Cocky me, thinking in my head for fucks sake, stupid passport checks. I take my passport out of my bag. Wait, let’s reword that. I take my black passport holder/case out of my bag. I open the case. Yes. The passport wasn’t there. I knew immediately that it was, in fact, still in my drawer in my room in Leamington where I put it.
I had previously taken the actual passport out of the case to go to Robin’s well. Because the stupid bitchface c**t bar woman kicked me out because I didn’t have ID. Piece of shit. So went home out of principle to get my passport and bring it back. I just forgot to actually put the actual passport back into the case. So when packing my “passport”, I just took the case because that to me is my passport. So, in principle, I blame that nasty rude ugly bitch woman. I’m going to hunt her down and brick her.
So yeah but no but yeah anyway this is me, who travels more frequently than most of the other people who went on tour mainly due to the fact that I have to actually fly home. Responsible, independent Winnie. More like irresponsible, ridiculous Winnie.
Was never so stressed in my entire life. Was actually on the brink of tears from the guilt and stupidity I felt. I felt really horrible for Els, bless her, I didn’t want Els to miss the plane. I didn’t really care if I missed it, but I didn’t want to bring her down with me. We bomb it to Leam and back to campus. After all the running, on the coach, I actually had breathing difficulties and needed an inhaler. So just to let those know that I was, in fact, very upset/stressed about it.
2. Forgot my inhaler.
Rather self-explanatory really. The one time I don’t bring my inhaler I needed it. Well done Winnie.
(You know when you do something wrong prior to leaving on holiday, it’s just not really going to be your week…)
3. Had to go through Non-EU immigration alone.
Although this technically isn’t really my fault, I felt pretty embarrassed and foolish about it. Mainly because I was the only person going through that way out of the entire airport. And mates were pointing and laughing at me. And the winner of this story was the fact that the doors to get on the “other side” were like big steel door which could only be opened/pushed opened when the idiot official presses a button. So really I could have been declined entry into the country if something was wrong. Upon reflection, I am silently grateful my wife wasn’t there. She probably would have laughed the whole building down and would still, at this very moment, be laughing at me.
4. My first ever goal as captain for my team.
It was an absolute beaut. About 1 minute after filling in for Nic in centre of defence, the whole event is a little bit hazy but basically in attempt to clear the ball I sliced it and it swerved beautifully into the top left hand corner of our goal. A goal David Beckham would have been proud of. Winner: My policy as El Capitano is that the first person to score a goal for us gets a pint of me. Well, I scored a (own) goal. So I bought myself a pint.
5. Massive lemons!
We were in town, looking at some market stalls. They had hugee strawberries. And grapes. And then I see these huge lemons! Like massive baby! So I point out: “Wow, check out the size of those lemons. They’re huge!”, to which Nic replies “Those are grapefruits Winnie”.
6. Broke a mug 5 mins after buying it.
Bought a mug from stalls for my mum. Five minutes later, was crossing the road and somehow totally unintentionally and obliviously, dropped the mug. I don’t know who I just forgot that I was carrying a plastic bag. Heard a lovely CRACK! Sound. I stand there helpless. Foxy, Nick and Becks are absolutely pissing myself. Nic keeps on going “I know that’s not funny but HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH”. And you want to hear the winner? As I was paying for it, in my little head I was actually thinking “hardy har har. Wouldn’t it be funny if I actually dropped and broke this mug as I walked away from the stall”. Went back to the stall to get a new mug. But sent Foxy to actually buy it instead because I was too embarrassed.
7. Lost my camera.
My disposable camera. Well done to me, I was wise enough not to bring my digital camera. But still. I am absolutely gutted. I have no idea where it went. Apparently I definitely went home with it. And Packing the place up I checked under the bed etc etc to make sure I didn't leave anything behind. But now it's gone. It had really wicked pictures too, of me and my second team, me doing random stuff, me with DRAGON!, it just sucks big time. I really pray and hope that someone just accidentally took it. Please please please.
8. Almost forgot passport. AGAIN.
Well I actually had my passport. But basically, I packed it into my main luggage and almost checked it in. I really am …[complete sentence using words of your choice here].
9. Aeroplane Escapades Part I: Stupid Man
Got my head smacked by luggage in overhead compartment by not-so-sympathetic man.
So right, the plane has landed. We’re getting up to get out stuff from overhead compartments. I’m minding my own business, getting my parka from the top. Then suddently the idiot man in front of me smacks the back of my head with his bag. I turn around to him, hand on area-on-head-where-hit, staring at him with a blend of surprise and annoyance because he didn’t realise he had, in fact, just smacked me. Was he deaf?!?!?! The stupid pilot would have probably heard that.
“Oh, did I hit you there?” he finally says.
“Er…yes you did.” I reply in my usual direct, subtle-as-a-brick tone.
“It’s okay. It’s just another ten thousand braincells been killed” I mutter back.
which leads to…
10. Escapades Part II: Stupid Man's Stupid Coat.
Almost walked off the plane with the wrong coat. Turns out it was that dumbass man’s coat. Stupid man and his stupid bag and stupid coat. Stupid me.
11. Immigration malarkey again.
Oh and of course going through the immigration in East Midlands Airport. Everyone just walking through while officials just look at passports. When it comes to me, of course he tells me to go fill in a fucking landing card. Fucks sake. So had to fill it in. And then go back in the queue and end up holding the queue up for like 10 mins while he flaps about on his computer to make sure I’m not an illegal immigrant. No….I wasn’t embarrassed. At all. Idiots.
Reflecting upon my actions, I believe the main reason for all the things I did wrong was because I really didn’t want to go to Prague, reasons which I will not disclose. This fact that I didn’t want to go had a knock-on effect, and the “reluctance” was subconsciously affecting whatever I did. The week prior to our departure I was busy in labs. And basically was putting the trip behind me as long as I could feasibly do. I was never so disorganised. Even though I knew I had a bag to pack, I failed to check if it was actually LARGE enough. Ended up having to use my wife’s bag, which was the perfect size but of course, being my wife’s bag, had holes everywhere and broken zips. I had to actually tape part of the bag up and silently prayed that it wouldn’t fall apart. I didn’t go to Prague and sulk, don’t get me wrong. I went with a more “fuck it just get on with it” attitude and tried to make the best time out of it. But it was really weird how quite silly things happened.
The events that occurred in those five days really does make me look like a dreamy wishy-washy airhead. I think I should actually get that t-shit that says “I am really a natural blonde” (it’s a wicked t-shirt, in fact, note to self, buy t-shirt when seeing it next). But it was okay I guess. I suppose everyone has to be the class idiot one time or another.