January 19, 2005

cant ppl just f*** off at times and just leave me alone when im stressed?!

currently, feeling very stressed and annoyed. just dont feel like talking to anyone? i hate myself when i have to make an effort to sound nice to ppl when in fact i really dont wanna talk. why dont i have the hearts to say..piss off..im really busy?? i have a dateline soon, i hope u ppl understand..

and when i actually do tell these ppl off..they get annoyed with me asking me why im like this and u've changed and stuff..cant u ppl see?? i have work to do!! and im all stressed out abt it!! hate myself being 24/7 nice, and when i stop being nice..ppl get upset..

i've come to the point that u have to take me as i am. i dont hold grudges and when i dont feel like talking..it's because im angry or mad at myself and not at u ppl!!

so understand this, if u are my friend! and stop doing petty things to try to make me happy or tell some stupid-ass jokes when i dont feel like talking, bcoz most of the time, im not impressed..

January 05, 2005

my only wish this moment

hymm..had a sudden rush for this "kar ting wan luen" meal. wish to wake up in da morning with mummy telling me to eat her scallop porridge and go with "cili padi char choy and finely minced prawns and chicken meat"! yummm..!

January 03, 2005

This song kept me calm!!

So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you


Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time


If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

Nobody's Listening!!!!!!

(Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobodyís listening)
(Called to you so clearly but you donít want to hear me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobodyís listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
Head full of anger, held in my chest
And everything leftís a waste of time
I hate my rhymes, but hate everyone elseís more
Iím riding on the back of this pressure
Guessing that itís better I canít keep myself together
Because all of this stress gave me something to write on
The pain gave me something I could set my sights on
Never forget the blood sweat and tears
The uphill struggle over years the fear and
Trash talking and the people it was to
And the people that started it just like you

(Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobodyís listening)
(Called to you so clearly but you donít want to hear me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobodyís listening)

December 31, 2004

Deaths,Relationships,Men,Women and Society

Was really upset when a friend msged me on friendster and poured out his misery. I didnt think he was this upset although I have been warned by YJ about his situation. What made worse were the death of both his grandparents in this month. Im truly sad about this. But looking on the bright side, I know he has been there for them and so did his parents. Unlike my mum who still mourns for my grandma as she claims she regretted that she didnt spend more time with her..it's a guilt she is not guilty for! But, i told WK that his care for them throughout these years will accrue as "fook" for him and he shouldnt worry too much.

What I'm so angry is that he is still upset about the fact that PK and him broke up months ago! I mean he is complaining about a year which he has to go through breakups in relationship plus the deaths of his grandparents. Fair enough, family loss but relationships? I seriously think he should get over her when she is the one who changed and got wilder! I mean i know this gal, she wasnt like that when i knew her! If she can dump WK who everyone in the group thinks is the nicest and the most gentleman of all..hell ya..she will regret this in the future! Fair enough he has been busy making pastries and planning his own store but cant she see that he's doing it for their future? Damn, how blind can she be! And i there is no way WK could have neglected her in any other ways, this guy calls her every so often to check if she's safe and sound and rushes after work at 10pm from subang to downtown kl to pick her up at her office! As for WK, he is upset that he has been working so hard thus having no time for anything, but hey, if u want to make it up there, u have to make sacrifices..! Gee..why can he be so low in confidence when I have been overly excited about his start-up and having all faith in him! I mean come on, WK is still young and he hasnt got a second girlfriend b4, whats the harm trying and u never know if the next will be better if u try, thats just how life is, u have the chance to move on when u are young! Plus, when men are successful any woman will go after them no matter what! This is just how life is, women are getting more materialistic and cash-oriented! It is even harder for women who arent like to differentiate themselves against the rest of the pack! Sigh..Im just upset why men cant think straight and stop complaining abt a loss of a not-so-great girlfriend!

Well, dude 2005 is going to mean a new beginning and dont u ever look back..just forward! Wish i was there to help him rationalise things!!

Current feeling

Say you, say me.. say it for always
That's the way it should be
Say you, say me..say it together

December 30, 2004

London Xmas shopping

There are few things I want to put down for memories!

27th Dec:
Did manage to wake up to make it down to London altho i slept at 4a.m! Whewww..was a tiring day..been walking so much but discovered so many beautifully decorated alleys! Something i overlook these years..Glad to not blow my money compared to those who shopped at Diesel! Held my temptations at Miss Sixty..an achievement..so sad that MAC wasnt on sale! Felt a lil left out when i met the Exeter bunch but didnt bother me much..Bought a pair of earrings at Topshop Oxford Street! Haha cant help it ler..was cheap newayz..so happy that i only found an unresistable pair considering the countless range. Abt FB..dont even mention it!

28th Dec
Felt so connected with aunt..she changed so much through the years or maybe i didnt know her that well then. She made me a meal and then brought me to buffet dinner not forgetting the movie House of Daggers which she was craving to watch! So relieved that I actually postponed my trip to Kent and spent the time instead with aunt..it would have been so heartless of me if i didnt!

29th Dec
Wanted to go Regent Street to help Jas find the Massimo Dutti shirt b4 going to Kent but damn i woke up late! Finally went to Blue Water Mall after a detour!! Felt bad that i didnt have more time to spend at Jas' house! Yeah, i finally made it there after promising to visit for god knows how long! So touched by his family's hospitality..hymm..now I know why he is so well-brought up – his politeness except occassional shouting and swearing at me, damn good manners especially to elderly, loyal, loving, caring…etc basically (filial piety!) Dude, you impress me!! Okay, I'll try listen to you about stopping my earring purchases..yeah yeah I know its a lil extreme but I absolutely lurve earrings!! Alrite, I know..I wont be able to afford them when Im earning peanuts in Msia!! Will try and try to stop!

—didnt have more time
—didnt go Wagamama as planned
—didnt go to London Eye as planned :(
—didnt yum char with JesWey, Ijin, Ryan, Jeremy
—forgetting 2 buy phone cards!

Getting back to the present, I'm feeling:
—tired but guilty coz I havent touched work for 3 days..will start soon after unpacking which im not looking forward to..
—the need to do my laundry!
—the need to go to Tesco for fruits!
—a crave for tea but nothing beats Jas' house tea! only realised how much i miss it until i had it today..hymm..shud tell him to bring some up for me in Jan! Im proud that i didnt finish the box of indian sweets which are so irresistable!

December 26, 2004

Ermm..let me clarify myself

Hey Stephen, (commented on my Religion entry)

I have to say that you are the first Christian who I have come across who feels there is no need to share your faith! I just want to clarify here that Im not compelled to anything I dont want to, I do get the pressure from Christians but I have always been really strong in telling them I will take my time in choosing my path! I have always believe in the existence of God although he has not touched me in ways that I can remember clearly but I do believe that there is a God! I do not want to be an atheist because all my life I have been searching for a suitable place for me to find faith in God..and it has not been easy because of the liberty my parents have given me! Everyday I have been searching for some signals to lead me somewhere, yes I have met a few Christians recently, and I find peace in them and this may sound very weak of me but I cant help it! If there were more people of other religion to share their faiths I wouldnt feel this weak! I have to keep reminding myself to take my time in finding my own path because it is that is the only way I would have felt uncompelled!

December 25, 2004

Chinese people from China are just so culturally rude and ignorant!

I just got ffk from one of my flatemates. I told her days ago we should have dinner together. She came knocking my door to return my Office Cd but when I asked her if she wants to eat, she said she has eaten! Potong stim betul! Sigh..

Oh well, I dont blame them..it takes generations to change people and as they are the first generation of students studying abroad, it's easy to understand they are what they are! A toast to China, To Greater Mankind Civilisation!!


Talking to Jes just now really made me thought hard about what religion will I take. I know mum has given all her children the liberty to choose whatever religion they want which is a good thing in a way but the bad thing is that it makes us more confused than ever. I know the reason of her doing so is that we live in a multiracial and multireligous country and she is afraid that I might marry someone of completely different race and religion. And the fact is I realised that I might tend to follow the religion of my partner or husband because I have not got one yet. Recently, I have met a few Christians and Tai Ku Mah has been giving me some pointers and the heed of God. Yeah I honestly think that it is a big possibility that I will decide to be a Christian. To a lot of people, they will say that I have been brainwashed..but dont you use this term whenever you tell a person more about your own religion! I think I would say that I have been enlightened by the people around me and I want to be a part of them too. Yes I am easily influenced, but if they were more Buddhists or other sects to tell me more about her/his religion, I think I would be more biased too to that religion. But there are no one to guide me or give me a signal! Mum prays and believes in Kuan Yin but she hasnt spread the word to me..all she ever says is, you must always do charity and help others in need, so as long as you dont do anything against your heart..you should be fine! It is not a very strong statement to lead me to somewhere..plus my inability to read traditional chinese words makes it even harder for me to read the "fat zhou" which I would want to do when I have made up my mind in whichever religion. But one thing I know for sure is that, it will take me time to decide and I hope God will understand my predicament! I wont drop a bomb on mum and say that I will be a Christian now and will not eat "the chicken that has been on the altar"! I cant do it..give me time..I'm sure one day mum will accept me for whatever I have become but it has to be gradual..
And if God were to accept me as a Christian I also hope that he understand that I respect my mum's religion and although I love her to death, I dont have the heart to tell her to change religion because in Lord she will be salvaged..Arghh..I really dunno..and all this while I have been to temples and I cant bear the fact that I will be so changed..but I think eventhough I turn to be a Christian, I will still "cheong ji heong" on Ching Ming to my ancestors..that is something that will not change! Will probably need to make it up to God with something else..something extra for this so-called act of betrayal..!!

I asked Lester what he thought and this is what he gave me "god is a loving, caring god, he strolls arnd the world to help the weak and poor, he gives warmth to them using a S700 Body Heater by Panasonicô. Praise Father Of All Things Good !"
Bugger!! That kid has got good brains although just 13!

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