All entries for Wednesday 14 September 2005
September 14, 2005
Just a quick comment to see if anyone else is impressed by google earth. You just have to put in an address anywhere in the world and it will find it. I recon a few generations later and google earth will be able to show pictures of houses.
Still very amusing.
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football
6. You donít have to monitor your friendsísex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends donít give you crap if youíve lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters donít rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you donít have to stall on every
shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks donít attack you.
16. You donít have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you donít have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humour in 'Terms of Endearment'.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You donít have to shave below the neck.
36. You donít have to curl up to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you are 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other peopleís feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesnít live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You donít have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell the truth.
58. You donít give a ratís ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even
thinking 'he must be mad at me'.
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about
to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work, more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You donít have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100.
73. You donít care if someone is talking behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot you could double the earthís population
in 75 tries, at least in theory.
75. You donít mooch off othersí desserts.
76. If you retain water, itís in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you are talking to them.
79. ESPNís sports centre.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You neednít pretend youíre 'freshening up' to go to the bathroom.
85. If you donít call your buddy when you say you will, he wonít tell your
friends youíve changed.
86. Someday you will be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase 'Fuck it'.
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Diís death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you are not in the
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesnít work, you can bash it with a hammer and
throw it across the room.
94. New shoes donít cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
96. You donít have to remember everyoneís birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person doesnít preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with 'So Ö notice anything
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
It's great being a straight guy…