March 16, 2005

I Would – A pathetic poem

I would

There’s a girl out there who doesn’t like me,
Sometimes I think that girl is you,
There’s nothing I wouldn’t not do for thee,
But there’s a list of things that I would do.

I would pick you plucky, pithy flowers,
Pull them from the earth, imagining your heart
Not breaking,
‘cos I’m not strong.
Dandelions, buttercups, nettles, a little daisy chain,
A child’s bouquet for child’s listless love.

I would write a bad poem,
It wouldn’t have meter or form or
Rhyme or rhythm,
And I’d fill it with a thousand clichés, more
Clichés than stars in the sky:
Cliché clichés.
Totally unromantic, and not the romantic way.

I would be the least romantic man,
In the history of cavemen.
I can’t even claim to be able to provide.
Except a sense of annoyance,
Almost weak enough to be loathing,
I’d be the burr stuck in your hair.
I’d scratch your neck.

I would cling on
To you
Tightly, pathetic, pitiful and wet,
Knowing you are too nice to throw me off yet,
Clinging doggedly on,
Vague attempts at puppy dog eyes,
My limpid resistance a surprise,
Knowing you wish me gone.
But I won’t go,
And I won’t try to fight,
So fuck you and what you want,
I’m not doing this right.

I would do nothing

- 3 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. Fantastic. It's great! Possibly the best poem of yours I've seen so far! One minor point – you may want to rethink the line "There's nothing I wouldn't not do for thee" Is that supposed to be a double negative? And I know the "Thee" is there for the rhyme, but it sounds forced. You're really much better when you don't feel you have to fit in to a specific rhyme or metre, you know.

    16 Mar 2005, 09:32

  2. christ, english mode again…
    don't know if you wanted a crit, but you're getting one.
    first i agree with alex, you wouldn't use "thee" in everyday speech so don't use it in poetry (as a general rule/vocab-wise it works).
    then i think you need to sort out some of the tenses,while the jagged results this gives of jumping to the future back to the present emphasizes your not being able to do conventionally romantic things right, it rather spoils the ending. which is a shame, as the first few stanzas are brilliant.
    Stanza 4 probably needs a re-write/clearing up to make what you mean a bit clearer.
    but other than that i rather liked it.

    16 Mar 2005, 19:27

  3. The 'thee' is intended ironically, it's an attempt at pseudo-renaissence romanticism that is then quickly abandoned.

    And yes, there's nothing I wouldn't not do for thee is supposed to be a double negative, ie. there is absolutely nothing in the world that this guy wouldn't agree not to do for the girl he's writing to.

    What exactly's unclear about stanza 4?

    16 Mar 2005, 19:57

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