All entries for September 2006
September 23, 2006
I’ve been here since about half 5 in the afternoon…and believe me, I’ve only studied for about 30 minutes…
...oooOooOo I’m so bored..with everything!!!The more I fight it, the more bored I become….
...Is puasa today or Sunday???Confused…as always!!!!
At least today I brought Nasik for my dinner, yesterday I ordered Pizza Hut…I ate 4 pieces..and still hoping that I could lose some weight…dream on!!
Browsed through my friends’ Friendster….mixed feelings…the obvious one is jealousy…ohh how my life is so empty yet theirs are so joyous!
..then this feeling of regret and sadness started to flow in…and I began to think!!Hey..what the hell am I doing here late at night…doing anything else but study!!!4 years ago I’d never had imagined that my life would turn out to be like this….
...Why am I becoming like this?
...why am I so demotivated??So drained-out??So sad???
....I don’t want to feel depress again!Pleasssseee!!!Ohh Allah help me!!!!
...I haven’t done any work so far!!!
..I’m sorry Dr. Zhang for taking your money but not giving what you expected from me and for not making you proud!!!!
...I’m sorry Keith for not being one of your favourites!!!
..I’m sorry Peter Byrd for telling you things that now I regret!!!!
..I’m sorry Awak….for not being a better companion!!!
..I’m sorry Encik Zamani….I wrote to you 4 years ago that I’d become someone important one day…but I guess that day will never come…
...I’m sorry Mama,Papa…for becoming what I’ve become, instead of making you happy…I know that I’m worrying you instead….
..ohh Allah..forgive me for my heart is so lost….I beg You…show me the right path….forgive me…..give me strength oh Allah….give me strength….
September 22, 2006
Don’t get me started….
I can’t stop!!!!
This is crazy!!!!
September 21, 2006
Yup,Zaimah…have not been updating my blog for quite a while…I was so caught up with things at home and could not find anough time to properly sit in front of the computer…the only time was when I did my inputting…
..still puzzled with time….2 weeks seems like 2 days…
..Kuadik and Che Zul spent a night with me and the whole family in Ransom Rd., I was really happy to see them!!!But it was clear that they were sad, as both of them had to say goodbye not long after that, Che Zul to NY and Kuadik to home.
..I still remember when Abg bob remarked that it’s Che Zul’s responsibility to be by Kuadik’s side when she delivers…as that should be his first priority…work goes second…Abg Bob is right about this no doubt…
However, I can understand that both Kuadik and Che Zul had thought about it and wanted it to be like that..of course it must be mad for Che Zul not to be with Kuadik…but indeed it’s easier said than done…the situation is different for them…Che Zul went to NY for a reason…it’s not just a job…it’s a huge task…and his responsibility towards our country is big…it’s a big sacrifice for both of them…
..rather than saying all these to Abg Bob, I kept quiet instead…
..felt sorry for Kuadik especially..wished that I could help more…I feel so helpless for being far away from her, not being able to be there for her….now I only pray that Papa and Mama are given health and strength to help Kuadik out with her journey…and I hope that Kakak, Lop and Kakchik will keep an eye of her as well…
..it’s been almost 2 weeks now that I haven’t touched my studies…it was tough without Am…however I had made a promise to help Rose..and I hope that I did okay…apart from not being able to provide them accommodation whilst they looked for their house.
Even though Abg Bob said that it’s okay for them to stay with us, but deep inside I thought that that’s just not right, as Mama was not feeling very well and the house was a bit small to accommodate all of us…it was a dilemma for me, but I knew my position…and I hope Rose understands…
I also know that Kak Yong was also sincere in helping me out to help Rose…as she has always been…I’m not sure if I’m mad but I could just feel it…whenever you’re sincere in helping others, Allah will grant you assistance in things that you do…that’s what I see in Kak Yong…because of her sincerity…somehow her path in life has become easier…rezeki…it comes unexpectedly….
Winter Sonata…is bloody brilliant!!!I thought that Joon-Sang is very good-looking (tapi Am lagilah hensem kan!!!!!) and Yujin is very pretty and both of them have chemistry….which makes the story really good!!!I know that the story is about 4 yrs old now but just got the chance to watch it recently…I cried a lot!!No wonder it’s a big hit back then…
..and what’s funny is that just now, while I inputted the adverts, I was thinking about the story, then suddenly I noticed that the institution, in which I inputted it’s advert, has* Polaris* as its address, and then after that the Winter Sonata song came out at Era.fm…Hazami’s version of course…but I thought that it’s just bizarre!!!
..thinking of spending some time with Am..only both of us…alone…when he finally comes here for good next week…a bit frustrated that he will not make it this weekend..I wanted to kill his supervisor!!!I’m a bit tired of waiting actually…really really tired…but I have to be strong!!!
Okay..I hope that I can start focusing on my work now….
..hungry!!I need to grab something to eat now….
September 08, 2006
..yup, I’ll be joining Abg Bob, Adib, Syahira and the rest for Godiva festival tomorrow…playing kompang!!!
I can say that Abg Bob’s children inherit the music talent from him…Syahira being brilliant in piano, Adib in Kompang…and this trumpet thingy no idea what’s it called…well..the passion towards music is there..as though music is a part of their lives….
Music and Islam…is indeed a big debate….but I firmly believe that as long as it is not diverting you from your ibadah, akidah..iman…it’s okay…in fact…songs can even enhance you spiritual…Syeikh Muhammad Jebril does not recite Al-Quran in monotone, right?
Me and music…that’s something….I know that I’m capable of playing a few instruments by heart..crap at reading notes…but the feeling is there…Papa could not afford to give me music lessons…though everyone knew when I was very small that I had the potential..well..that did not stop me…I can play piano spontantaneously, a bit proud of it…taught Syahira few songs that I memorise since kid…
Enough of that…and sorry Rose!!!Have been busy the whole week and could not find a slot to take a look at the house in Gosford!
And Miza good to hear from you!!
September 07, 2006
..is funkier with the new look, innit?
I’m 27 and still haven’t got a clue about my future.
Quit everything and go back home?That’s tempting…being at warwick since 1998 is a bit too long, isn’t it?But, being in the position that I’m in now, with financial obligations towards Papa and Mama, and owing money to MARA…it kind of makes me think twice, as to start everything from scratch back home..is kind of crazy…don’t you think?
Look for any jobs here?Is possible…but am I strong enough to carry out jobs that require great physical abilities?Am I as strong as Kak Yong?
Look for jobs appropriate with my qualifications?Is interesting…but looking at the scenario here nowadays, Eastern Europeans flooding the work force…how good am I to secure an appropriate job here?
What is my priority?Used to be myself, careerwise. But…things that have been going on since I started my then PhD studies, I’m not that bothered anymore…in my head now I’m figuring out the best way to help out my parents back home and to stand on my own feet, so..any job will do really!!!!
September 06, 2006
..however I’m surveying this place, to find a perfect spot for me to take a nap…I’m bringing my cushion and blanket with me!!!Staying back until half 3 this morning!!!
I pray that I could make some progress with my work today!!!Not much time left…have wasted a lot….doing..basically..nothing!!!
..how time flies!!!!
Since I blogged.
I’m pissed off with my laptop!!!It’s not working, and a lot of work has to be done again, the warranty here in the UK is too fussy, I have to ask Am to bring it back to Germany and sort out with the warranty over there.
My spirit is very low now, a lot of things have to be done, and the irony is that this coming weekend and early next week, everything collides!!Am coming…but not in the usual mood, I guess, as he’ll finalise his work, Kuadik and Zul coming,Kuadik on the way to home, Zul to NY, Rose coming…
Arrgghhh!!!!Why do these have to happen at the same time??
I’m happy + nervous, can’t wait to see them!!!but also hoping that things will work out fine, everyone’s happy, including Kak Yong and her family, I hope that I won’t burden her and the rest, Alhamdulillah Am’s coming…what a relief!!!
How I wish I could drive and make Am’s life easier, as he doesn’t have to drag himself over here!!!
My studies?? A bit left behind…I’m finding it hard to push myself forward…what happened with my laptop really demotivate me!!I really hope that my harddisk is still okay though…but wait a minute!!!...that’s not an excuse for not doing any work!!
I must struggle!!!
Allah help me!!!
September 01, 2006
Yes…a lot….I’ve promised a lot to many people….have told Ayahwan long time ago that I’d help him to settle his account in Barclays, but haven’t done it….have told Kak Liza to help her out collecting undergrad exam papers, post her convo book, but havent’ done them….have told Rose to help her out looking for her accommodation, but haven’t done as much as I hope I would…useless,in fact, as I can’t drive!!!!!
Told Changfei I’d help him out with his market research, but I haven’t and it’s more than 2 months now!!!!
When I said I’d do it…I should have meant it…but often I don’t….
I cannot forgive myself!!!
So sleepy just now, took a nap for an hour, under the library table…hahahaha…very comfortable though…brought along a cushion and a blanket, will stay at the uni until 4 a.m. tonight, later in the midnight myself and Adib will move to the Learning Grid, have not been there, but was told that it’s 24 hrs…