All entries for April 2007

April 26, 2007

Aku!!!!!

Aku semalam

Inginkan lebih baik

Inginkan lebih indah

Iginkan berjaya

Inginkan segalanya

Aku hari ini

Entah ke mana

meronta-ronta

gelap-gelita

Rasa lemas

Dibawa arus dosa

Aku esok

jadi apa?

Iman di mana?

Amal Bagaimana?

Sudahkah bersedia?

Bertemu Dia?


April 24, 2007

Di sebalik semua

Kadang-kadang, apa yang kita nak, tak semestinya akan dapat….sebab Allah tak kasi….usahlah dipertikaikan…usahlah tak puas hati….kenapa?kenapa?kenapa org lain dapat aku tak dapat?Kenapa jadi camni kat aku?...

...ada hikmah di sebalik semua…kadang-kadang bila terfikir…org nak PhD, dapat PhD….tapi kenapa aku macam tak dapat je….rasa putus asa, rasa sedih….macam-macam aku rasa….tapi, tulah, memang aku nak tempis semua perasaan negative tu, cuma aku ni lemah-selemahnya….

iman aku sat jatuh, sat naik….

..kadang-kadang….aku rasa aku redha dengan semua yg terjadi…

....tapi bila kadang-kadang terkenang….membuak-buak di dada ni…rasa macam-macam….

Allah lebih tahu…semua yang berlaku…Allah jua yang Maha Tahu

...akan ku tempuh jua segala dugaan ini dgn sabar….memang payah…tapi aku cuba…


April 23, 2007

Hidayah

Selalu rasa sedih sebab diri ini lahir aje islam, tapi adakah aku ni betul-betul islam?Selalu ambil kesempatan dilahirkan islam….tapi, penghayatan hidup sebagai seorang islam kurang….hidup asyik bergelumang dengan materials…duniawi….bila nak abis belaja?Macamana keje dah carik ke? Duit mana? Visa dah nak expired macamana ni?Hutang macamana?Orang hutang aku macamana?Aku hutang orang macamana?Semua material, material, material….sampai hati ni kadang-kadang rasa mati…mati…busuk..busukk…

Bila terbaca kisah-kisah tentang saudara yang baru memeluk islam, bagaimana mereka diberi hidayah….selalu rasa terharu…tapi lepas tu sedih…sebab….aku?Macamana aku?

Dalam hati ni terasa nak lari dari semua…tinggalkan semua…tinggalkan asyik fikirkan itu ini…tinggalkan selalu fikir dunia…tapi pada Allah kurang fikir…

Umur makin panjang, tapi….amal aku macamana?


April 22, 2007

Patut ke aku cakap?

Sekarang ni tgh nak betul-betulkan reference dan nak edit chapter 2. Dalam kepala terngiang-ngiang segala yang terjadi pada pengajian aku….penyelia pertama Z aku dah blah pergi Birm Uni, dan rupa-rupanya dia ada konflik dgn universiti Warwick dan penyelia aku yang kedua, tokwan.

Dalam hati ni meledak-ledak perasaan nak bagi tahu segala yang terbuku kepada tokwan, banyak benda sebenarnya yg aku tak puas hati pasal Z ni

Memang sebelum ni aku lebih bengang pada Tokwan berbanding penyelia aku yang pertama Z…tapi, aku mula sedar…lagi-lagi sejak akhir-akhir ni bila tokwan slowly mula mengadu kat aku pasal Z…aku pun terkedu sat…

Aku tahu selama ni aku pun tak di supervise dgn baik oleh Z….

tapi aku dah mula tahu, tokwan ada kasitau yang Z ni jenis malas nak check report yg students dia buat….dan aku pun kasitau tokwan…sebenarnya semua report yg aku kasi dia, dia tak pernah nak kasi feedback…yang sebenarnya, dia selalu layan aku mcm sampah…bila jumpa je, ada benda aku tak faham, kadang-kadang benda-benda basic, si Z ni macam marah-marah je bila ajar aku….macam aku ni bodoh nak mampus…lepas tu…asyik-asyik suruh aku belajar ngan Changfei…ye lah….so, aku ni, selama ni, ikut bontot Changfei je….aku jadi blank…tak tahu apa sebenarnya direction studies aku…

Bengang giler…sebab Savvas dari awal dah focused….buat loadflow studies…benda yg Z pakar….

in fact….masa changfei 1st year, dia buat loadflow…sama ahh mcm Savvas…so, diorang berdua dapat nama buat journal…sebab buat projek ngan Z….tapi aku????

kenapa aku diabaikan???

Arrggghhh!!!!!!

...hmm…aku ni konflik….byk benda aku tak puas hati….dgn Z…tapi, sebab aku jadi stress giler sampai sakit tu….sebabnya…aku konflik, tak tahu macamana nak hadapi benda ni…aku tak tahu nak cakap kat siapa….aku takut biler aku silap cakap…aku kantoi…

...aku fikir balik…agaknya apa yg Tokwan fikir pasal aku?Apa yg Z cakap pasal aku kat Tokwan?

...tambah-tambah pulak dgn Am pulak jauh…since dah kawin ni tanggungjawab kat keluarga pun dah makin ketara…duit byk abis utk kawin dan utk family….terpaksalah keje masa dah nak abis 2nd year….sebab duit dah tak cukup….abis 3rd year MARA dah tak kasik duit….

so…benda2 ni semua menambahkan beban kat kepala aku, padahal kalau aku boleh control studies aku, for sure masalah2 lain aku boleh handle….tapi…semua benda

...hmm…patut ke aku kasitau semua benda yg aku tak puas hati pasal Z kat Tokwan?

Patut ke?

Patut ke aku cakap?

Atau…..

cukup lah kot aku cakap kat blog ni….nanti byk bulak songeh nya…mungkin..apa yg berlaku….itu takdir….

Ya Allah…..

Engkau lebih mengetahui…..

Engkau lebih faham perasaan aku….

Aku berserah pada Kau sahaja Ya Allah….

Aku banyak hutang….dgn MARA nak dekat setengah juta….

Peliharalah aku Ya Allah!!!!!

Daripada beban hutang dan penindasan!!!!!

Bantulah aku ya Allah!!!!!


April 17, 2007

Merindu Kepastian – Art Fazil

I love this song…love the lyrics…

I took the translated version from someone’s blog…I guess that she did great…

Quoted from http://www.moblog.com.sg/blogger/blog.asp?uid=2D23338B-18A1-4650-9673-8471CCEFE4BE&bid=E5702E80-5409-4B1B-BAD9-F2DD84EDAB06

Merindu Kepastian (Longing For Certainty)

Art Fazil

Andai kau menjadi pelangi,
Biar ku jadi awannya,
Agar kita selalu bersama…

Andai kau menjadi sang duyung,
Biar ku jadi karangnya,
Agar kita sentiasa bersua…

Andai kau menjadi merpati,
Biar ku jadi sang bayu,
Agar kita sering bertemu…

Andai kau menjadi puisi,
Biar ku jadi melodi,
Bersama kita bernyanyi…

Andai ku menjadi rembulan,
Sudikah engkau menjadi kejora,
Hingga pagi nanti…

Andai esok aku menjadi tanah,
Sudikah engkau menjadi bunga,
Menghiasi dadaku…

Longing For Certainty

If ever you be a rainbow,
Let me be the clouds,
So we’ll always be together…

If ever you be a dolphin,
Let me be the corals,
So we’ll often encounter…

If ever you be a dove,
Let me be the wind,
So we’ll frequently converge…

If ever you be a poetry,
Let me be the melody,
Together we’ll sing…

If ever I be the moon,
Would you ever be Venus,
Till the break of morn…

If tomorrow I turned to dust,
Would you ever be petals,
To decorate my heart…

I only managed to translate Sammi Yusuf’s Mother from English to Bahasa Melayu, itu pun still mediocre…but to do the other way round…is still too far for me…I need to learn a lot…..

I remember Faren translated the sajak in Ada apa dengan cinta? to English and posted it to usrahgroup mailgroup, and it was so beautiful…I could never do that, my level is still too low….baca skrip drama shakespeare pun tak faham apa2…giler….
but I did not keep it…menyesal pulak tak simpan…


April 16, 2007

Me

Still not used to expressing what I think, what I feel into words…I’m no writer…but slowly, I am learning…it’s something that I need to develop…that I need to learn and to practise…

Watched Day After Tomorrow just now…damn, have watched it probably a dozen times now, but still got the chills after watching it…the end of days, I wonder if I will be there to witness the events that has been promised….that day will come eventually, the question is when?

will I live that long to witness it, or will the time be that soon?

..I’m scared, of not being able to prepare…..what will happen to me?To those I love?

I have to continue with my work now…..

Will I become a better person tomorrow?Yes, I want to, and whatever happens tomorrow, starts today.


Where is safe?

Just browsed the BBC news website and was shocked about the incident in Virginia….

...this makes me think…what’s going on with us?Why this madness?Why kill innocent lives?Yes…probably this gunman is a psychopath anyway….but what about those in warzone countries?Innocent people died??

...where’s peace?Love?

I browsed through a blog by a father so obsessed with his son’s geniusness….it’s good…of course…but I hope that he does not forget to channel his son’s capabilities towards the path of Allah…I pray that he teaches his son the Quran….to memorise the Quran….not to forget about Allah….geniusness is basically nothing but a gift really….it won’t promise you anything….


Mengadu

Ke mana hendak aku mengadu?

nun Jauh di lubuk hatiku..

Sedih,Resah,gelisah,sesal,marah, sayu..

Segala menjadi satu..

Makin hari makin hancur makin kaku…

Suara hati dari mengingatiMu…

Hanya Engkau Ya Allah ya Tuhan,

Engkau jua Yang aku harapkan…

Semoga diberi kudrat dan kekuatan,

Untuk ku hadapi segala kekalutan,

Janganlah Kau berikan bebanan,

Yang tak sanggup aku pikulkan,

Ya Allah sungguh aku pasrah…aku berserah…

Janganlah Kau biarkan aku punah…

Daripada terus mengingatiMu ya Allah….

Amin Ya Rabbil A’lamin….


Early

Yesterday was a disaster, I did not study at all…watched the telly all day…what a mess!!

...we did not have dinner last night…I’m starving now…

..tried to read Shakespeare’s before sleeping last night…but did not understand anything at all…it’s all my fault anyway…I don’t read much…

....Yes today I woke up early, solat subuh..Alhamdulillah, I pray that today will be better than yesterday..

I always have the same dream, almost…about my hostel life….my school life…sometimes I dreamt that I went back to SEMSAS to become a teacher and a warden, then I dreamt of coming back to study…but was not able to find my school uniform, then I dreamt of not being able to prepare for my exams…then I dreamt of meeting my teachers…

Am will start his 4 days work today, I hope that he will not be cancelled, I’ll be alone again tonight until Thursday…I hate being alone at nights….but this is far better than when I was alone for many many days as he was so far away in Germany….yes, glad that it’s all over…but I miss Germany…though our lives were difficult back there, but really had a good time…


April 15, 2007

Sunday

Weather is brilliant,

but my day started late…

I woke up at about 4 in the morning, then I had difficulties sleeping again…I went panic, started to think about everything, and experienced shortness of breath…and was worried that the tempo of Am’s breathing was not normal, but probably I was being paranoid…

I spent hours and hours trying to shut my eyes again, and I finally managed to do it, but then it was a bit too late, and I woke up late today…

Promised myself to study today….a lot of work to do….

A bit surprised with some people who think that they are better than others…but that’s life I guess…

It has been 4 years….and I’m blessed with every moment spent with him….

One day spent with someone you love, how difficult it may get, is way much better than spending your lifetime with someone you don’t love…

Thanks Seri for sharing your story and for listening…


April 2007

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