All entries for March 2007

March 29, 2007

An open letter

Dear Mr. Nico….. Pod….ky,

I would like to thank you for interviewing my husband. You have rejected him, but can’t you see how talented my husband is?You should have given him the opportunity. He even told me that he liked you, looked up to you, even though he just met you 3 times. He would be a very loyal worker for you, he would work really hard to be a better design engineer.

You have definitely made a wrong decision of not choosing him. I would motivate him to work at his best, to learn from you. I would support him throughout his career, and he would grow to become the best design engineer that you ever had…

I am very dissapointed with your decision, of not choosing him. He is very dissapointed. He would have worked well with you. He is friendly, kind, he might not talk much, but he is genuine. He has a good heart. He is capable of a lot more, a lot more than he could ever imagined. He just needed the right person to unleash his potential. I see that in you, but you did not choose him.

Lastly, you will regret the decision of not choosing him.

Yours sincerely,

Aisha


Test

I’m in the verge of breaking down now…trying to stay strong…and to be honest that’s getting harder to do as day passes by….how naive was I…to risk everything in order to help…but got backfired in the end…how money can change people….

...seriously…does it occur to you that both our families need our help right now?We need to give money to our families…

...I have until July to finish up everything…and…I still haven’t got a clue about my future….even staying here is not certain now….I’m so frustrated…I needed help…I needed what’s mine…everything is not just you you you….

...I’ve become too demotivated to do anything now….that’s not new really…I’ve been like this for ages now….some people even said that I’ve changed…to the worse of course….

....I always pray to Allah not to burden me with burdens that I can’t handle…it’s unbearable…to be helpless…

I succumb to Allah the most merciful most compassionate…Whatever His plans for me and Am….I succumb to Him….

...I’m weak inside…help me Allah…I’m weak…..


March 16, 2007

Today

I woke up early in the morning…Am had to go to his 2nd interview at half 7..I had to finish my inputting, and I was so tired…a bit frustated with myself…I’m so fatigue lately…not even 30, and my body is in pain, here and there…it makes me wonder, it must be tough for Am to work 12 hours straight on…doing manual work…however, I admire his patience and strength…makes me love him even more….

..I must admit sometimes I am not doing enough for him. I should have paid more attention to him…he’s done a lot for me, sacrifice a lot for me….I shouldn’t have been that selfish…

....Am interview went well..he said that Nicolas liked him…I really pray that he gets this job…really pray that Allah Will grant us this wish…

I postponed my meeting with my supervisor until next week…I haven’t studied for many days now…and it’s getting awfully ridiculous, since I haven’t got much time left…

...in Baban, whilst having our lunch, Am told me that he woke up this morning with the feeling of sadness, but he wasn’t really sure why…only when he was driving to Birm that he recalled having a very sad dream…..he was with Arwah Andak, and Arwah hugged him, he kissed her hands sort of asking for her forgiveness…

...my heart sank when I heard this…Am told me that Andak used to take care of him when he was a baby…the news of her passing really shocked Am….

...Ajal is in the hands of Allah, I succumb to Him….

..I miss Mama and Papa…I pray to be granted time to be with them, to take care of them….to spend more time with them…

...I miss Mama Kuantan too…she’s so cool…really miss her cooking….


March 15, 2007

Reflections…

Being here as an outsider….gives me a lot of time to reflect…to think..to ponder….to be in the shoes of immigrants back home….what a struggle it must have been for them….

...you’re being treated like a 2nd class person….someone stupid who doesn’t know everything….it’s so surprising how first impressions totally mislead people into jumping into conclusions which are totally wrong..their minds so shallow, such that it’s becoming a norm to them…..as though it is okay to think that way, to feel that way….

...racism…is all around us…

...to treat people equally, regardless of the colours of their skin….is probably easier said than done…


March 14, 2007

Anger, happiness and sadness

I was in the middle of doing my inputting job when my eyes ached like hell such that I had to change the scene….Am was really angry at me for…err…I’m not sure really…maybe I was being a bit harsh in trying to build up his confidence…the way I say things sometimes…sounds a bit too nasty to him I guess….I absolutely have no idea what’s in his head…

I don’t quite understand why was he so upset…he took it the wrong way and was really hurt with what I said….well…men…you guys are from Mars that’s for sure…

...I checked out CNN news website instead…and well…the aching got even worse when I saw this news article on the US Imams wanting to sue the American Airlines for throwing them out of the plane for…performing solat…ohh…american bastards….you’re such ignorant bastards…what…?!!!You thought that they were going to hijack the plane?There is no excuse for being ignorant…yeah!!Common Pak Imams!!! Sue them!!! Sue them!!!

Got to work tomorrow…sending out job ads….will be on my own this time as Am will go to Worcester early tomorrow for his networking thingy…hmm…have to wake up early to sort out his shirt and suit…some ironing to do huh…

Papa..papa…I know that Kuadik and Mama were mad at you for not giving the money….but I’m putting the blame on me for not sending enough money to home lately….

..Ya Allah…help us to help our family…Am really needs the job…

I’m a bit happy as my Friendster friends list is growing….but I’m so sad of knowing that Kimi’s mother has passed away for almost 2 years now…I only knew about this last night when I checked out his blog…

arwah used to remember me quite a lot back then during form 5. I used to get jajan from arwah whenever Kimi got back from Terengganu….yes…Kimi was…informally…my adik angkat….we never made it formal..it’s like…a mutual understanding….i sometimes bought him nasik after prep malam and asked one of the boys to give it to him…I was always fond of him…in a brotherly way of course…..

...but not sure why we drifted apart after I left SEMSAS…I noticed him quite a few times when I was in IKIP….but never had the initiative to bertanya khabar….and still noticed him in pics…he has grown….and yes..I sometimes remember his mother…..always wanted to ask Kimi about his mother…but…..I misused every opportunity God Gives me to say hello to him…I ignored instead…and…it’s too late now….

I wish that Kimi keeps on praying for his mother…..I know he will….


March 13, 2007

Circle of friends and the retreat

I watched the Retreat by BBC 2 last night…last part of a 3 part documentary on the explorations of 6 volunteers towards Islam…well..I thought that the show was mindblowing….being here in the UK, Alhamdulillah…I’ve got to know the many faces of Islam…will never get this chance back home…back home it’s like…taking advantage and being ignorant about Islam…but inside my heart….always empty….being born a muslim does not necessarily mean that we are muslims….you’re a muslim by name…but are you a muslim?now I understand….

I even got goosebumps when I watched Pom (one of the volunteers…a Brit..about my age…a Psychotherapist if I’m not mistaken) reverted to Islam…..she recited the syahadah…I cried and cried…

I wish that I was her…her heart is pure….they said that those revert to Islam are like newborn babies….

...she has been granted Hidayah from Allah…..but…me?Where am I now?Am I on the right path?Am I lost?Guide me Allah….

I’m trying to regain my confidence…searching for long lost friends and relatives….now I’ve just realised how foolish I am for not keeping in touch with those who used to know me….I used to have such a big circle of friends, and I had withdrawn from that circle for quite a while now and that’s silly!!What have I missed!!Bloody hell a lot!!!!

I was so depressed and so drawn into this idea that it’s best not to let people know about me…as I’m such a loser….

...I was not like this….I used to be outgoing….full of confidence….but…what’s eating me????

Will I get the chance to turn around and be like the old me again???

To all my friends and those who know me…....I owe you guys an apology!!!!

I’m such a jerk….


March 2007

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