February 17, 2009

Untitled entry

Follow-up to A Midsummer Night's Dream from Kempez's blog

And suddenly she was there again, the girl in the red dress. I was walking home across the fields swinging a bottle of wine in my hands, and she said that it looked like a very nice bottle and enquired as to where I found it. “Two roads diverged in the alcohol aisle, and I took the one less travelled by”, I replied. She smiled that same enchanting smile and touched my arm but I don’t think she got the reference. And so we fell into step as we walked back across the field and she listened as I told her all about how I’m going to be brilliant one day and travel the world, she didn’t say much but she slipped her arm into mine. Then our paths did diverge, and she would not join me on mine, the girl in the red dress, nor invite me on hers. I’ve not seen her since.

February 16, 2009


I’ve just got three missed calls from a number in Bielefeld in Germany. Anybody?

February 15, 2009


Writing about web page http://www.skybet.com/skybet?action=GoStatic&name=bet5get20free&play_temp=1&title=Promotions

So there I was on Friday night, home alone without any plans for Valentine’s day, cooking asparagus for one, and I thought maybe there’s something missing in my life. Some vital component with which everything would suddenly become wonderful. That’s right kids, the answer’s internet gambling.

It wasn’t anything I’d ever really wanted to get into. In fact it comes roughly between Christmas day swimming in the Atlantic and crack cocaine on the list of things which I really don’t want to get into. But there are a whole host of internet sites offering deals which seem too good to be true.

The offer I’ve randomly been drawn to is one on Skybet, you need to place a five pound bet of your own money on something with odds less than evens (I don’t really understand odds but I’m sure Wikipedia can help), and then they give you four more free bets. Which surely only makes sense for them if the average punter is going to lose twenty pounds in the long run plus enough to compensate for all those who take the money and run.

So this may be one of those pivotal moments when one’s life starts spiraling into chaos and woe, but surely 2/9 on Wales beating England on Saturday can’t be too bad? I’m sure I can give up after my four free bets…

‘Well now you’ve heard my sad story,
you can have another round of booze,
and if anyone should ever ask you,
tell them Kempez died of those gambler’s blues.’

Remember Kempez but ah, forget his fate

Alas, poor Kempez, I knew him well

February 12, 2009


Q: What’s more depressing than checking three email accounts but not having any new emails

A: Having three email accounts and receiving only an email advertising ‘perfect gifts for Valentine’s day’

February 04, 2009

Crossing stuff out

Does anybody know how to do the crossed out writing on a blog entry? I predict this comedic device would make the average blog entry five percent funnier. Which leads me (tenuously) to a quote from a trade unionist, I forget who, which my maths teacher once related to the class.

“They’ve offered us five percent, but five percent of nothing is still nothing. We’re gonna hold out for ten”


February 01, 2009

Classical drinking

Writing about web page http://proof.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/30/the-tipsy-hero/

Hmmm, just a quick one to live up to this whole blogging once a week thing. Am mildly inebriated and short of inspiration, and so perhaps fittingly I’ll turn to an article I read yesterday in the New York Times about alcohol in The Odyssey (well not that fittingly, unfortunately I’m not actually on an Aegean island being enchanted by a beautiful witch or sung to by fair maidens from the shore, nor do I have a wife to return home to). It finished with a short quote which I thought rather good.

It is the wine that leads me on, the wild wine
that sets the wisest man to sing at the top of his lungs,
laugh like a fool – it drives the man to dancing…it even
tempts him to blurt out stories better never told.

I think we’ve all been there.

January 22, 2009

Kempy's Agnostic Bus Campaign

I’m not sure if there’s a God. But I’m not quite so smug and self satisfied as to go pissing on someone else’s genuinely held beliefs.

January 16, 2009


Deficient. There’s no other word for it. English grammar fails to provide its users with the tools with which to express themselves. I find myself particularly underequipped when blogging, and so I’ve listed below some suggestions to counter the most heinous omissions.

  • The ‘no I’m not being arrogant this is self deprecating irony’ mark
  • The accent (everyone knows swearing is less offensive, in fact actually quite endearing, when done in a Yorkshire accent)
  • The ‘I know I’m being petulant but sometimes the adolescent in me itches to get out and I think it’s best to let the kid have his say’ mark
  • The pause for comic flatulence mark
  • The ‘I know full well I’ll regret it in the morning but I’m drunk and think I’m hilarious’ mark.

January 10, 2009

Wikipedia reading list

Do you aspire to being just as geeky as me? Well now you can with Magic Kempy’s Magic Magic Reading Lists, basically just a list of interesting wikipedia articles I’ve read this week which I’m attempting to pass off as a proper blog entry.

Ooh and I made another new years resolution, to reach eleven stone because I’m too thin and I get ill too much and for some reason I’ve linked these in my mind and think heavier will be healthier.

January 05, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

  • Get some culture
  • Stop eating unhealthy food through hunger – fill myself up with healthy stuff before I get that kebab on the way home from the pub
  • Publish a paper
  • Go to a conference in an exotic location (Surrey doesn’t count)
  • Blog once a week
  • Appear as an extra in a movie
  • Play the piano twice a week including an hour’s ‘proper music’
  • Write a song
  • Give up ketchup
  • Become bold and impetuous
  • Diversify my friendship groups, make a new friend who doesn’t know any of my old ones.
  • Gain an Adonis like physique (Ira’s friend Mark suggested I should aim for someone not as attractive as Adonis but more attractive than me, but we were unable to think of anyone in this gap)
  • Average a book a fortnight for 2009
  • Climb outdoors
  • Cook a fish
  • Go to an opera
  • Cook something I’ve killed myself
  • Reach 1000 wins without loss on freecell
  • And then give up freecell
  • Be in a country during a revolution
  • Develop a stash of witty party annecdotes
  • Read all the cards for Articulate and Wikipedia all the entries I don’t know
  • Program something
  • Write a letter of complaint
  • Have a near death experience
  • Give up Radio 4 in the mornings
  • Shave every other day
  • Volunteer for something
  • Claim my tax back
  • Learn a card trick
[late addition]
  • Get a protégé

Hmmm that’ll have to do for now, unless anyone has any suggestions?

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