All entries for Sunday 02 March 2008

March 02, 2008

If there is another chance, do you want to be a girl or a boy?

This afternoon, when I was taking No. 12 back to campus from Coventry, I was thinking that being a woman was so hard. The reason why I tought so was because women were always expected to be pretty looking by taking care their skin very carefully. That is, being a woman, I have to learn to do make-up; I have to remember those brands for skin care; I have to compare which clothes brand is more good quality. I talk about this does not mean that men do not need to do so, but at least they do not need to care about their make up too much.

A bit long beginning is not what I exactly want to talk about. I have to admit there are a lot of differences between men and women, at least phsical differences. Out of the outside, the inside differences in others’ hearts should be taken into consideration, such as the invisible discrimination. As for the inequality in UK, I do not know very well; but last year, from the Culutral Studies, I did learn about the inequality between men and women on job- seeking, education, as well as families and households. Similarly in China, such discrimination is even more serious, especially in families since the beginning of life.

Anyway, I do not know what exactly has happened to others, but I know exactly what has happened to me. Since I was born, I have to be treated as what a girl should be treated in the big family, which is, less important than the boys at home. Even worse, in my family, because of the one-child policy in China, I am the only child, while my uncle has a son who is 5-year older than me. He is, namely, my cousin, they only male child within the whole family. As a result, he is of course to be attached more importance than any one else. Because we were both looked after by our grandma when we were school age, so as far as I am concerned, I was always bullied by him. He took away my toys; he could eat those valuble food, while I had to watch silently.(even I cried, no one cared)

It is too sad that I am a girl who is sensitive, so I started to remember things when I was only four; in that year, one of the most important men in my life left me alone. As I’ve said that my grandma took care of us when the parents had to go to work, we also stayed together with our great grandpa during daytime. I could always remember that every time my cousin treated me badly, my great grandpa would stand out to help me. However, he was too old, about 90 I remember, he did not have enough power to argue with my grandma or anyone else. But that was not the point, I didn’t need the toy back, or the delicious food, I only needed someone who did care about me. My great grandpa was definitely my hero at that moment.

However, he only accompanied with me for 4 years. Till now, I still remember clearly his funeral. When I finally saw his dead body lying on the cold stone, I screaming out, I could not bear any more. I tried to hold the stone to stay with him, I shouted to him:”great grandpa, great grandpa.” I was too weak at that age, yes, I was. Later on, time flies, things have changed, but not such inequality inside my reletives’ hearts.

I had been grown up under the pressure of being a girl until 18. It was the end of school life. I still remember the interview for my uni in China, I told the old lady that I would like to make efforts to change people’s mind, which was men were more important. Guess what she had said, she said, no matter how well I would be, I would never change the situation, especially what had been deeply growing in my grandparents’ hearts.

I was rather angry at that moment, I tried to show my disagreement and my confidence. In order to prove my statement, I worked really really hard in Renmin Uni of China, I got very good results and one scholarship (although not that much compare with UK). I also took part in all kinds of activities, while I tried to use my own knowledge to earn some money. Even then, I was still day dreaming to wash people’s minds. Not until one night, when my grandma, my cousin, and I were walking in the street one night after raining, my grandma took off her coat to cover to my cousin who was wearing a shirt, rather than me who was only wearing a tiny top without sleeves. Just at that moment, I decided to give up, as I knew I would never change the tranditional man-important mind of the senior.

The story seems to be so sad, but I am really happy now, because I have really really good parents who gave my life to me, also treasure and love me forever. Even now I could write my blog, also because they supported me when I decided to come to UK. Now the past story of the little silly girl could only be a story, as it won’t make me feel sad any more, as I have learnt from it that we only need to care about opinions from those who care us.

Maybe before I thought through, when people asked me whether I preferred to be a boy if I had another chance, I would say I wanted to be a man. But now, I am very sure that, I will also choose to be a girl even though I have a chance to choose, and I will definitely to be a happy girl who is rich in love.

March 2008

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