June 11, 2006

The repulsive vertebrae

The roaring sound erupting from the ground drowned all other noises. Thousands upon thousands of thunders was the only description and yet it was coming from the very earth the people were standing on. Animals were running, women were holding their children tight enough to suffocate them and the men held out their weapons in a half hearted attempt to protect everything that was dear to them. Everyone knew something terrible was about to happen but when the very ground underneath their feet opened up they were all shocked. At first there were only small fissures but soon the crater was large enough to swallow a large house and to everyones dismay something started emerging. At first it was covered in a veil of drakness but that gave way for a sight more terrifying then anything imaginable. It was horrible, a amalgamated mass of tissue with all colour that existed. It reeked of evil and could not be mistaken for anything but its true identity. It was the ugly, yellow nosed squirrel of the North, the bane of everything good and decent in Dumnville, Dumngolia. Its name was Horrid McHideous but in these parts of Dumngolia it was known as the "Ugly Squirrel" for it was very ugly and it was a squirrel. There were roomers than when younger Horrid had entered the World Distance Scaring Championship and won it by scaring a Blind, Death, Mute Platypus at 173 meters without even realising its special scary parfume. Horrid was so disfigured that even the Evil magician Wayne Rooney was considered a handsome prince compared to her and that is no easy feat taking in to consideration that Rooney the Mage looked distinctly like a potato exposed to natures worse hazards and then a severely beaten with an ugly stick the size of Idaho. In short this very much repugnant yellow nosed squirrel was no looker and ought to have stayed at home where it caulod cause no damage but as it had eaten too much Fish 'N' Chips it had turned out slightly uglier than nature had intended.

I do not remember how the story continues but Cucumbers should be pink and if you look like Horrid you should eat asparagus and learn Algebra.


May 22, 2006

Funny or What

Sometimes I wonder if when I say red the colour I imagine is the same as the one in the head of the person next to me or are all those phsychologists right about the fact that we live in a world of relativity where the only sure thing is that there is nothing sure.
Perception
Let me tell you that generally I am very much against this view as I believe that there is only one truth out there and that each day one more bit of it is made clear through the accumulation of knowledge by the human society. However today I have been swung the other way by some very interesting comments. I have been told that I know nothing about football! Nothing wrong with that but the funny thing is that it has been said by someone who supports Arsenal. Here I must say that Arsenal is a very good club that posseses great players but I hardly think you should be dissing someone who believes that the best club in the world is Barcelona. My main reason for this belief is that as far as I remember there was a football game on the 17th of May 2006 and no, I am not talking about Deportes Quindío v Deportivo Cali. The game in question is Arsenal v Barcelona which some of you might recollect ended with the now famous score 1:2 to Barcelona. In addition, guess where the La Liga trophy has gone this year as well as last? If your answer was Malaga then you are wrong because the club in question is Barcelona. To sum up Barcelona has now won 2 League trophies plus the Champions league and some still think I do not know anything! Yes, that makes a whole load of sence! Lets face it, Barca is the top club at the moment and they will take some shifting.
Awards
The Pride of Barca

World Player of the Year Ronaldinho

3rd placed World Player of the Year Eto'o

Best Young Player Messi


May 19, 2006

On top of the world

After 14 years the best team in the World is back where it ought to be!!!
Club Photo
Champions of Europe is a title Barcelona deserved and won most fairly in a game of Football after which Arsenal used their vast repertoir of excuses and complaints gained during their last 2 years of mediocrity to try and belitlle Barca's great achievement.
Idiot
Firstly, it takes no genius to work out that what Lehman did was plain stupid and that he deserved his sending off. Maybe even more importantly, Arsenal ought to blame themselves for letting Ronaldinho split their defence. Although when looked at it in this way one does come to the realisation that Arsenal should never have even hopd to win as Ronaldinho is simpy too good and can not be stoped!
Ronnie
On top of this even though Ronaldinho is without a doubt in a class of his own, Barcelona does posses a wonderful array of talent and have world class players in every position. Even their subs are outstanding as Larsson, Belletti and Iniesta proved yesterday!
Squad

Then Henry, who is undoubtedly one of the world's greatest players starts complaining like a 3 year old kid….I hope he is not like that when he comes to Barca.

I would write more but there is no point because the conclusion is simple enough!!!Win
Barcelona is the best club in the world!

Finally I want just wan to say that all this has been made possible by these two people who have brought Barca where it belongs in 3 short years.
Leaders


April 23, 2006

Nameless Saviour

Another day is beginning
for him, who never sleeps.
Another battle’s awaiting
the one, who’s never rested.

He’ll never be remembered
And no one’ll ever know his name
But day ‘fter day he will saves us
And never look for fame.

We all need angels like him
To guide us, when there’s no light
And when obstacles will block us
The star that’s us leading ll’be bright.

Sit down now, and consider
Who this person could be
And when next he’s before you
Thank him for his selfless deeds.

By Me


March 08, 2006

Liverpool deliver another fine performence

5th min
Luis Garcia showes Leo a clean set of heels before delivering an inch-perfect cross in to the path of Crouch, who jumps to header the ball but unfortunately entangles his legs in the side netting and headbutts himself in the heel.

23rd min
Its Djibril Cisse with the ball…....Cisse's past one…..past two…..past three…..No one can stop him, he is playing with fire in his belly tonight. He side steps the last defender and shoooooooooooooooots. And its a GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAL. What a magical goal, we'll be seeing it for a while to come. Liverpool 0:1 Benfica – Benitez does not seem happy with Cisse's own goal effort!!!

56th min
Benfica's midfield due exchange passes before slotting a through ball for Nuno Gomes, but Carragher gets there first and clears. The ball falls kindly for Luisao who punts the ball forward from 70 yards out. The ball goes further than anticipated and Reyna, alone in the box and totally undisturbed punches out for a corner.

70th min
Xabi Alonso is in possesion and jinx past Petit before picking out Fowler – who has beaten the offside trap and is 15 meters behind the Benfica defence – with an amazing pass. Fowler controls well and sets off towards goal but by the time he makes his 4th step the 37 year old Benfica striker Romario manages to cover 80 yards and make a great interception.

84th min
Gerrard with a calm pass back to Traore. Traore stops the ball…...Looks arround…..spots Morientes making a run and swings his leg wildly in an attempt to deliver a long ball. OOOOOOOOOH, WHAT HAS HAPPENED??? Traore's wild swing misses and he backheeled the ball past his own keeper. Deja-Voo???? Liverpool 0–2 Benfica
You Suck


February 21, 2006

The Question:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:

The majority:
To get to the other side

Martin Lawrence:
The chicken crossed the road! Believe that!

Eminem:

But put yourself in the chicken position. Just try to envision witnessin' your Mama poppin' eggs in the kitchen,
bitchin' that someone's always goin' throuh her nest and shits missin.' Going through public barn systems, victim of featherless chicken syndrome. My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't 'til I grew up, now I crossed over, and I’ve gon platinum.

Gandhi:
It was a peaceful act of rebellion against the oppression in the farm.

Caesar:
The Chicken Crossed, the Chicken Saw, the Chicken Conquered.

Orange Executive:
That’s a stupid question. Crossing the road does not sell phones. What about – Why did the chicken send an SMS?

Adolf Hitler:
The Chickens are a Cancer on the breast of Germany. Let’s send them over to Poland.

Joseph McCarthy:
The chicken is a communist, paid by the Russians to come over the road to America and infect us with its socialist disease.

Pythagoras:
The chicken had taken the hypotenuse of an obtuse triangle somewhere along the length of the road and then squared it to find the interbysecular transector. Then taking the square root of that variable it had obviously realised that the road was indeed longer than it is wider. Spurred on by this spectacular discovery it went on over the road to seek new challenges.

Taz:
Brghghgghg…Screeeeeeeeeech…..prrrrrrrrr…..abdrghrdddrgrdgrdrrgdrgdrgp…prrrt

By me


February 05, 2006

Pre–History to My Hero

The Lectures had roamed our planet for as long as anyone could remember and even longer. There was a legend that said they were long ago wise beings that taught the new generations how to survive and reach the heavens but no one believed it. The Lecturers of the order of the University were evil creatures that struck terror in to the hearts of men. They, much like the black druids and the Dunking Donuts soul rippers were not a numerous tribe but unlike the other two, they had mighty armies of geeks that obeyed them and destroyed everything in their path with their powerfull 4-eyes and devastating calculators. They were ugly beings, short and bent with numerous warts and boils who never changed their clothes and had no other life but serving their masters, the Lecturers. They were hated by the human race and killed on sight in the manner most befitting virgins, burning at the stake.

February 03, 2006

My Hero

He cautiosly steped around the corner and although prepared for the unexpected he definetely did not expect to see what he did. It stood majestically in front of him, holding him in its shadow as if the mountains themselves had been moved in front of the sun. Towering above him as if getting ready to rip him limb from limb and scatter his remains over the grey landscape of Arad Dalman, the island of shadow. Teran Telgada was however not a man easy to scare and as soon as the initial shock wore off he sprung in to action, ripping his sword out of its scabbard and attacking the fiendish creature with all his might. He stabbed and slashed, punched and kicked until the monster was no more. By the time he was finished with it it could no longer be recognised for what it was and Teran was more exausted than ever bofore in his long life but at last he could be at peace with himself knowing that he had fullfiled his destiny, overcome the last and ultimate challange of his illustriuos career. He had battled and killed Emter Shak, The Last Lecturer. Now the world was finaly free of the evil magicians of the order of the University.

December 12, 2005

In Search of a Wife

Offer available for a short period only

As my time of marriege is fast approaching I have an offer to make to all women out there. There are a number of criteria that must of course be reached by all applicants but other than that it is free entry. The women applying must be good looking, of reasonble hight and of an acceptable race so I dont want to see any French, Germans, Americans or British applicants. When it comes to religion I am no tough picker but it would be an advantage if you were not a strong beleiver and any potential suicide bombers please find the nearest exit. Now, when it comes to weight I do wish for something with in the norm so please use this formula (height – 110 = perfect weight) then add or subtract 10% to reach the final accpetable figures. Intelligence is a must, as annoying members of the opposite sex lead me to discrimination and home violence so please before applying attend an IQ test and make sure that you score 125 points or more.

Some of the applicants might have seconds thoughts about whether or not this is a good idea but here I would like to mention that on succesfull marriage the bride will be gifted with 100 cows, 200 sheep and 2 truck loads of fresh cabbage.
Please make sure you look like this before applying

Cheers and dont waste your time as the offer is for a short time only


December 10, 2005

Dream

A man is as big as his dreams! So never think that you are too small to make a difference. People might call that arrogance but if we do not all try to reach our full potential, if we do not believe in ourselves and know deep within that we are better then what is the point of being alive. All people are physically the same, a carbon based life form with very similar characteristics but what makes us different, is what we have within, so never be ashamed to be different and do not forget to dream because the first step of every achievment is to have a vision and to be prepared to stake your life on making it come true.

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