All 3 entries tagged Pieces Of Me

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December 23, 2005

maybe i think too much…??

I canít sleep. Itís not because itís nearly Christmas, or anything of that matter. Too many thoughts running through my head; canít seem to shut down. I am overcome with feelings of worry. Iím worried that I wonít get the grade I need this year. I am worried that I am going to screw up. I think to myself that maybe I have reached the limit of my capacity now, at a young age of 21. Maybe I am not as clever as people think I am. What happens if I donít get the grades I need?? My ambitions are sky high; Iím reaching for the stars, but what if I donít even reach the tree tops?? Could I ever settle down to a life of mediocrity?? You see, in my family success is measured by the amount of money you earn. I want to outdo my parents, but now Iím thinking that I probably never will. At the moment Iím not even completely sure what I want to do with my life. Iím thinking: why the hell didnít I choose to do something that I find easy, like biology or chemistry?? Why do I always have to push myself under the pretence of ĎI get bored easily if Iím not challengedí?? Why canít I ever do things that I find easy?? Maybe this time I chose too big a challenge…

December 14, 2005

'i can't tell you what to do, but…'

Argh, no one has the ability to drive me as crazy as my own dear mother. The conversation tonight went along the lines of:

ĎDonít you like being at home?? You could cheer up a bit. Your father and I feel like you donít like us anymore.í

ĎOf course I like coming home, otherwise I wouldnít be here, would I??í

ĎWell thatís not what it appears as. Iíll give you some advice: donít cut us off because you can never get that back when you regret it in a few years time.í

ĎWell Iím not. Iím at home right?? I only stayed up there for a week because I find it easier to revise up there. Iíll try to be more cheerful.í

ĎDonít get dragged into turning your back on your parents like so many students do, because I tell you, most people who stay away from home do so because they donít have a home to go back to.í

ĎIím sure thatís not the case, besides Iím not turning my back on you. Just because I donít feel like sitting down in front of the TV every night doesnít mean that I donít like being at home.í

ĎWell thatís what it feels like to your father and I; we feel like you donít want to be here. Is it really too much to ask of you that you come home during your holidays??í

ĎI am home now!! No, I donít hate being at home!! Besides how do you think I felt when I came home as early as I could on Saturday, because you asked me to, and you werenít even there?? Dad plays golf all of Saturday and Sunday, so itís not like I see him anyway. Using your reasoning Iíd say that you didnít care whether I was coming home or not.í

ĎThatís different.í

About an hour laterÖ

ĎYou spend about 40 weeks up there, is it really too much to ask that you stay here until the 3rd?? Besides, what will your brother think of you if you took off as soon as he got here??í

ĎErr, no I think itís more like 33 weeks, so I spend about 19 at home. He gets here on Friday, so I wouldnít just be taking off. Do you really think Iíd spend 19 weeks a year at home if I didnít like it??í

ĎWell, I donít know. It could be because you have nowhere else to go over the summer. But I canít tell you what to do. You do whatever you like. Itís your life, you do whatever you want. But I can tell you how I feel, and if you go up there for New Yearís Eve then it feels like you donít want to be at home.í

The funny thing is (well it's not really funny, more ironic I guess), that itís only when my mum gets like this that I donít like being at home. Unfortunately she gets like that a lot. Sheís on about how I have changed; that Iím more secretive since I went to uni. Well Iím sure that she doesnít want to know what goes on in my life (not that I have ever told her anything, because she simply canít keep it to herself), and why isnít it acceptable for me to change??

Are all mums like this, or is it only mine??

October 16, 2005

And so it is

And so it is. Just like you said it would be, life go easy on me..most of the time. And so it is, the shorter story.. think I'm going to stop it there actually, even though I do love that song. But I just did it to get you're attention really.
This is my first message to the world. And of course it is going to be great because I'm in that sort of mood, writing mood I think most people would call it. But me, I call it a depressed mood. So yes even maths students get those moods when you think too much and when you feel like nothing is going your way.
Played football today. no.. correction!! People played football today, I was just faffing around with a ball and couldn't seem to catch anything. Like the bloody thing had grease on it or something. I was always in the wrong place at the right time and that's not a good thing when you're a goalie playing for the first team. Need I say that we lost?? So when I started getting kicked around by the other team I just felt like I couldn't take it any more…usually a few injuries wouldn't keep me off the pitch, but today I just felt like nothing could keep me on the thing. Besides the team did soooooo much better after I got off anyway so I feel like they shouldn't have any hard feelings about it.
Got a competition coming up at the weekend, the European Cup in Taekwon-Do. I'm sort of looking forward to it now as it means that i get to kick other people around for a bit (which would be a change for once). It's great for getting rid of frustration, which I definitely have a lot of now. So for anyone who wants to come down and watch some fighting..Sunday in Crawley, see you there. Should be some good fights. The English team will be there and the Poles are bringing like 200 people or something. The Poles are definitely the best fighters in the whole of Europe, in Taekwon-Do that is. Myself, I'm hoping to get a few medals out of it, to reclaim my place in the English team. Something my chronic tonsillitis prevented last year, which meant I missed out of the World Championships. So for you footie girls reading wasn't just the tour to Prague I missed out on!!
So now I'm going to stop because I don't feel the need to write any more. I've got some stuff off my chest but definitely not all so watch this space ;)

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