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April 15, 2005

hello mister insanity

last week a black zebra with with white stripes had a conversation with a white zebra with black stripes and a barcode at the bus stop. this was ironic as black zebra was having a conversation on that very same morning, with his room mate the cheese and beans toasty.

the cheese and beans toasty works in an orange factory, in which the oranges enter the factory and then after being processed on 38 conveyor belts in which nothing happens, on the thirty ninth conveyor belt a small sticker is placed on the orange which had a smiley face and a tick on it.

As part of his job the cheese and beans toasty is allowed to steal two oranges from the conveyor belt. this is one of the rules

Rule 17b section ii

"one is allowed to steal two oranges from the conveyor belt per day"

anyway the first orange that the cheese and beans toasty ate on that day was perfectly normal. the second one however had an image of some random prophet or god or celebrity or magician. you had to squint a bit or have cataracts but it was certainly him..

the cheese and beans toasty promptly sold the orange on ebay for 14million pounds, to some guy who had at least 14 million pounds but now has much less.

the zebra (black w/white stripes) deep in the conversation with the barcode and other zebra about the meaning of colour.

they conclude that colour is arbitry.


February 14, 2005

a tribute to Valentines day

As this wonderful day approaches its conclusion i feel it right to write a tribute to this wonderful day byt writing a sequel to one of the best known romantic plays ever written.

here we go the wonderful Romeo and Juliet 2Sound(tm)

Romeo- i still love you
Juliet- i still love you
R-hows your side of the coffin?
J- Hmm its a bit cramped
R- i believe my side is more cramped than thine
J- No no no dear For it is I with the more cramped side of the coffin
R- would thy like to trade?
J- to witness thee in an even more cramped side of the coffin would break my heart
R- your heart rotted away weeks ago
J- i meant metaphorically, Dear
R- indeed, hey would you like to play eye spy? by the way did i say i still love you?
J- yes you did, dear, and I still love you… but i donot want to play eye spy.. it is too dark in here
R-good point dear. Hey it was nice of them to put us near each other after we topped ourselves, right we get to spend an eternity together.
J- the joy…
R- i sense you are not pleased with spending an eternity with me..
J – yeah well.. it was fun when it was all that "my only love sprung out of my only hate" stuff.. but now its a bit.. you know.. meh..
R-oh you break my heart..
J-m..
R- yes metaphorically dear.. i still love you, you know..
J- yeah.. whatever.. you know i suddenly feel like killing myself again..
R- aww poo.

*


December 02, 2004

I hate goddamn mysteries

Follow-up to Soul Nation and all that. from kunals blog

HEY who are you V? you are obviously a different v to the one i am reffering to cos the one i am referring to doesnt know that they are v and yet you clearly are referring to yourself as v. thus i must conclude either who i know is more clever than i thought. or you are weaving a very intricate mystery… i sooo hope its the second one.

and v@hotmail.com aint gonna be a real email address now is it???

hmm

well i know who it probably isnt, because of certain clues i have…. but Gahhh i hate mysteries (unless they involve cartoon rabbits, or are written by elmore leonard.. out of sights great isnt it…and Rum PUnch(later turned into jackie brown by leg QT) )

so to re iterate

YOU are screwing with my mind… and to be frank its all i really got at the moment…

thankyou kindly

your host

Mr Kunal


November 27, 2004

Soul Nation and all that.

Yello!

I have just come back from a truly most excellent Soul Nation (drop it like its hot….) Dancing away like some crazed alcoholized lunatic (cos thats what i was) having an absolutely mo-fo-ing great time. You dig, dear reader?

Just wanted to give a few Shout outs to those that came and made it bloody brilliant- in no particular order (apart from who comes into my head first)

Bhav- the man the legend, possib-lie the nicest guy ever.. and almost probably the biggest soul nation fan ever. period.

Jogia-San, and Riks- Kick ass bros makin their way down from Lie-Sest-ER – Jogua also stayed sober(ish) makin sure everyone was okay

Karen- Quality chick, nice person, stares off into space at random intervals- but i think shes okay.(it was also her birthday Soul nation- with cake!- more below) [also laughs at some of my jokes which is always positive]

Ying- Super Duper Cake Maker Extrodinaire-made Karens Birthday cake, with help from ohter chaps who i cant remeber- kinda nutty which is always a bonus and also super nice host, with cheese and beans toasties (with some help from Jogia-San)

CJ- Hehe, cos she remembered my name.

Ricky- Nice Dude- said i look like Halifax guy, which led to Ying (and everyone else) to sinfg"WHo giives you extra" all night. Thank you kindly Sir(!)

Alice- for speaking to me at 7 in the morning, when she probably just wanted to go back to bed. (i was awake, cos i couldnt sleep, and i happend to be reading a WHSmith catalogue on the staircase, when Alice woke up to get some water)

AND there are probably a ton more people Who added to a great night.

I got wasted, didnt think about V. once, Was Tons happier, and realise that the past was a total fuck up, So heres to the present and future Daddi-o!

DOLPHINS RULE!!! they have magic powers and ive seem them in real life (not a show- but in a natural habitat) in wales of all places!

;-)

Kunal


lovefool

"playin me like a fuckin kitty-cat toy aint gonna work any more sugarpie, im here for me and those who give a shit.. othewise ill just have to say Sayonara hunny bunny

November 18, 2004

hitting a performance wall

i am working at four bloody am in the morning and i hit the magical performance wall.

the wall says
"fuck off you idiot you hit me, the magical performance wall, cos you dont know shit"

to which i reply
"you are correct i 'dont know shit' but i disagree with your tone"
to which he replies

"hmm, maybe you are right-maybe thats why no-one sends me any christmas cards"

to which i follow up with the witty retort
"wait a minute you dont get christmas cards cos walls dont celebrate christmas"

to which he snaps back at me
" dont discriminate against christian walls"

then i reply humbly
"hmm sorry about that. that must depress you around christmas time"

"yes it does"

"maybe thats why you are so grumpy"

"no thats not it, its cos i lost my pet snail the other day"

"Snails are evil, i wrote this blog about it once-explained it an everything"

"i didnt read it"

"aah dont feel guilty, you dont even have a computer"

"i dont feel guilty im merely stating a fact"

"oh.. well.. hmm.. i think ill be off then"

"wait you havent even seen my party trick"

"whats that"

"ill show you"

the wall then proceded to burn me to a crisp using his firey breath of doom. but put me out in time using a bottle of vimto mixed with diet coke. this meant i wast cooked and sweet tasting- much like a honey roasted peanut. i shall never mock a honey roasted peanut ever again.

k


November 16, 2004

choose a university

Choose a university, Choose Warwick, Choose not wanting to cook in the first year, Choose Westwood.
Choose doing Physics ahead of Psychology, Choose to regret it most of the time. Choose great friends, Choose to realise that with humour, anything is possible.
Choose nice but dull house mates and get bored. Choose to live in Sydenham,Choose to regret it being 40 minutes walk from Sugar.Choose to have my heart broken after Soul Nation in second term of second year.
Choose half price poster sale, Choose a poster to rip off, Choose life. Choose a university
Chose Warwick.

November 14, 2004

the adventure of pablo

Pablo is your every day general working class kinda guy approaching middle age and lives in australia. likes the obvious things in life going to a bar ( in this case called the Leaky Tree) with his friends Chaz, Bob and Alan. He also wants to get laid before he dies. And hates films such as Arachnophobia. Pablo also happens to be a black widow spider. {in a curious aside IS a male BWspider called a Black widow spider??}

In the Leaky Tree one night are Chaz, Bob and Pablo over a pint of ant-juice just having a general conversation

Bob: Hey has anyone seen Al' recently? i knew he was going out with that Gina chick but i havent seen him since last tuesday

Chaz: yeah i aint seen him either, maybe She doesnt let him go to the bar with us any more- shame.

Pablo- wait a minute he was going out with her for weeks before he stopped coming, i remember clearly last week he was boasting about how he thought he was gonna be "In There" last tuesday night.

B: good point, thats interesting, because a mate of mine-goes to a different bar- also mysteriously disappeared the night he met this chick at the bar.

P:hmm i have a date tonight with the lovely Sarah, do you reckon i should cancel?

C: SARAH?!? Man no way should you cancel SHes SOOOO hot.

B: be careful though there seems to be a bit of a plague of these Psycho Hunnies around at the moment.

P: possibly – sarah seems nice though, i dont think she'd do that….


October 30, 2004

Pulp fiction

is the greatest film ever. only beating Amelie cos i only know GCSE french and even then all i remember is "je suis en retard" cos its kinda funny. back to Amelie not being the best film, its just not as quotable due to my crap french, wheneas any time i think

"dont fucking jimmy me jules"
or
"everybody be cool this is a robbery"
i just smile.

thats why the ' fiction is my favourite film
smilings good so watch pulp fiction its great, also watch amelie as well
i makes me happy.

k


honesty: a policy

At this moment i am sitting at my computer (not necessarily as you, dear reader, are reading it but while i am writing it)

Anyway i have arrived back from soul nation, a very tiring but fun soul nation ( with the 411 absolutly storming the place with their mime routine to music) and much alcohol was consumed. no doubt my liver will not love me for the next week or so. Back to the point Alcohol makes one quite honest and thus this is gonna be stupidly honest for something that the world is able to see. (although itll probably make no sense but to a few of thee)

One time i met this person, this person made me feel like the most amazingesr person in the whole world, now the crazee thing is that this certain person didnt have a clue. thus i stumble through life quite miserably in general.

whenever i drink, i always think of this person now i wonder wheter i think of this person cos it makes me happy or whether its cos frankly the comedown of a great night is simply a trigger for miserable thoughts. Wowee i think it might just sneak into the latter.

The other thing is im spilling my guts into the virtual realm which may seem rather stupid, even if aformentioned person reads it. the point is its not too awfull in a kinda funky way its really cathartic being able to get all this shit out, n not bottling it up causing indigestion.

moral of this is this. blog + alcohol = honesty
honesty not necessarily the best policy

k


October 27, 2004

snails redux

yo

are snails evil?

Snails- useless shits that eat all the nice plants in your garden, yet the garden is as weedy as ever. the point? snails are useless and really dislike you.

One Fact, you walk slower when you think. the harder you think the slower you walk.

But the walk REALLY slow. taking the above fact to its logical conclusion snails should be the smartest mofos in the history of the universe, having time to contremplate both quantum physics and european law at the same time.

Snails coulld get a first in your exam, but they wont, they hate you and your garden, snails are evil QED

K


something curious

hello

i was wondering about things (always a dodgy sign) and it struck me,
sometimes when you text message someone and you really have nothing to say but you just message someone and then ramble on a bit. finally you think of something to say also by this time youve written about two pages of crap and you realise that your only reason for this is to hear form someone you havent been in contact with for ages.

Even more curious is the fact that this person is someone that you should possibly dislike, as they really are someone who is really, really self obsesssed, but you still try to keep intouch cos something inside of you is tugging away saying they might just be the coolest thing to ever happen to you.

k


October 20, 2004

rain

did anyone notice it raining this morning?
my my that was a bit heavy was not it?
a few things about when it rains
also i got here at about half seven to avoid the traffic.

*firstly i love the way that even though that you get totally drenched
through you still manage to wipe your feet beofre going in. still
anavoidably leaving a trail of water the Nile would be ashamed to stand next
to.

*jeans are a rival in sponginess than sponges in their absorption
efficiency, i kid you not my jeans are atleast 2 times weight at the moments
just cos i swam accross university house carpark.

*finally i feel sorry for anyone with the foresight to bring an umbrella
only to find that the wind screws it up leaving the person defenseless
against the mighty torrent.

see ya


hmmm odd

hello!

'survival of the fittest' what a shit phrase. i mean its so damn vague and
quite clearly untrue. For example i dont think anyone could truly describe
any of these animals 'fit' ( in either sense of the word) – Sloths, Pandas
or frickin Snails. (although pandas are cute n fuzzy in a huggable way _)
the phrase should be changed to 'things that are getting along okay may
continue to live' or 'survival idol' or something.

orange racism

the contents of oranges and orange juice with pulp are essentialy the same
(if orange juice contains real orange pulp, then wouldnt it be cool if
orange juice carton manufacturer people wrote on boxes ' Real Orange Pulp – Not Pulp FIction! Ahem). both contain 100% pure orange juice (i assume my
carton isnt lying and i think its fair to say the juice of an orange is
probably 100% orange juice) and they both contain pulp. However is it
feasible to imagine an orange juice carton going out on date with oranges?
and in the supermarket the oranges hang nowhere near the orange juices, 'its
whats on the inside that counts' my arse!

Finally something happened to me this week when walking from the carpark to
the library

Zookeeper ' please donot feed the tiger'
Me 'then for the love of god help me get my leg out of its bloody mouth!'

seeya
k


moral dilemmas and a pun (not strictly in this order)

hello friends! no snails this time!

1) connecticut, is this a state in America or is it 'honour among thieves'?
(say it out loud)

2) moral dilemma

You are the owner of a factory, more specifically a biscuit factory, because
we are in britain.
as the owner of this factory you have decided to employ workers of multi
origin, ie both people and puppets.

specifially in your workforce is a muppet named Elmo. now elmo had a friend
who is addicted to biscuits, specifically cookies, we shall keep this person
anonymous. the point is our little red worker elmo hs been stealing
biscuits, so many so that he wont be able to pay back the cost with his
wages (his friend has a serious issue). The point is if it came down to it
is t actually physically possible to FIRE Elmo? i dont know what to do!!!

Kunal


snails 2

*okay firstly sorry about going on about it but if ya want just delete it,
else read on, also if you might be offended by any thing ever dont read*

Hallo!

Okay this hass been bugging me WHAT is the bloomin point of snails? I mean
man they are sooo lame . i figure i t must have gone something like this,
'the creator of all living things'(tm) lets call it TC for short- must have
a soft spot for slugs. let me explain, what follows is how a conversation
might have gone

TC- darwin, mate i aint got a clue, i got these slugs right, and i
really like em slugs but they too slow! they get eaten by birds!
Darwin- why dont you make em faster?
TC- nah cant do that mate already given em super intelligence that would be
damn unfair, cant have things being unfair can we Darz man?
D- okay how bout you give them a protective shell that also works as their
home!

And for a while slugs roamed around with three bedroom semidetacheds on
their backs, which stopped the birds, until everyone realised, the slugs
couldnt move to catch their sole prey- plants- they were just damn
inconveniant and thus we have slugs with smaller shells, snails
they still get eaten by birds but who cares?

By the way If snails so smart how come you always end up with roses
diein cos they got tons of holes, but the garden is still as weedy as ever?
Another sign that they hate us

Apologies RANT OVER

K


snails

Snails are not very nice are they? Icky n Slimy eww

Theory Okay try this walk accross the your room or any pre difined distance.
and time youself. Just a wak will do no runnig here please. So what kind of
time did you get,, faster than the speed of light? possibly not but the time
is unimportant.

Now try this Walk accros the same distance only this time think about
reciting the alphabet backwards in your head while you walk accros this
space. and time it again. Notice something different? Your time should be
slower than previously.(unless you already know the alphabet backwards in
which case there was no THOUGHT process and you my friend are a crazy kat)

SO whats this got to do with anything? THINKING WHILE WALKING = SLOW WALKING
a simple equation, now if you consider the alsphabet rudimentry what about
if it was quantum physics or something equally nasty, would you walk slower
still? im thinkin YES

Snails- they walk quite slowly WHY? they are possibly the lamest animals in
the world next to earthworms, in terms of general lameness, they do very little
get crushed on wet dark nights and mess up your garden, and move really
slowly. SO they must exist or have survived for some reason right??
(the fact that the food they go after is stationary at best is irrelavent)

Lets say walk speed is proportional to hardness of thinking, thsi would
imply that snails are thinking all the time! AND at that speed the thoughts
might not JUST be of Quantum Physics but EUROPEAN LAW for example at the
same time. THey coukld do our exams in a snatch- BUT THEY WONT

WHY? because i am under the impression that they are very pissed off at
their public image, why should they help 'the oppressive human'? SO there we
go PISSED OFF LITTLE GITS living in your garden. enjoy

By SnK


damned purple sweets

the lemon flavoured opal fruits have been eliminated. and the green ones are
lemon-lime (or sprite flavour if you want) not just regular lime!

i remember back in the day when we were allowed a choice in the matter,
'shall i have the lemon or the lime one' lemon OR lime. why did they feel it
necessary to lump the two crappiest flavours out of all opal fruits into one
hybrid crap flavour? I suppose it may be considered a good thing reducing
the number of crap flavours into from two to one (straberry, orange being
nice and the other two being awful , by the way lemon/lime lovers you are
soooo wrong) meaning if you really wanted you only need to chuck one
sweet(or give it away) out as opposed to two, HURRAH!

Oh Wait whats this….

replace the vacated spot with…... Blackcurrant, eeeew now officially the
rankest flavour of the lot ( and by shear coincidence the one you get most
of in a tube and also the one at the top and bottom of the tube THANK YOU SO
MUCH)

i aint even gonna start on the name change ( ok just a little- Starburst…
Pff i think youll find the technical term is SUPER NOVA, idiots )

good night people


who rules the world

now before you dismiss this as guff let me asure you there is absolutely
some vital evidence tha may be neglected to be nmentioned here but alas it
probably is somewhere

first a question
what is the one thing that toppled thje french monarchy? some people may
fool you into thinking that it was poverty or such nonsense, how ever th key
lies in the famous line

"let them eat cake"

quite clearly this is the Evidence that suggests that Cake is indeed the
primary influence for causing the toppling of the french monarchy, dont
beleive me, offer some person you knwo some cake and suddenly their
personality will change, thoroughly influenced by the POWER of CAKE

lets see how far the conspiracy goes-

WHo owns the major cake companies lets say
Otis Spunkmeyer, Coombs and The daddy mack of them all Kipling

Hold on whats this O S C K or possibly SOCK!
yes indeed people the great CAKE conspirators DO OWN SOCKS!
EVERY SOCK!
THink About it WHo protects the Sock- its the shoes!
now consider the further evidence
Addidas, Nike, Reebok etc THe biigest shoe firms in The UNIVERSE!
But closer to home who is in the POCKET of every sho firm on this planet,
ONLY the most influential people to OUR YOUTH of TODAY- thats correct SPORTS
SUPERSTARS!
THe CAKES hold the influence

But surely they donthave the govenrment?
Well consider this EVERY GOVERNMENT army in the WORLD wears-thats correct,
SHOES!

NOT only do they have the INFLUENCE but ALSO the FORCE!
take your shoes off for a moment (SHOES!) and what do you have on? SOCKS-
they already have us in there control, WHY ? because they ALSO control the
weather (why else wear socks)

THINK ABOUT IT
THE SIGNS ARE THERE!
this warning was created form information collected/made up
by Kunal and Ed


ten things not so bad abiout lab

1) its better than being a dartboard

2) atleast if the experiment goes wrong there is no chance of nuclear
fallout occuring

3)its really hot inside labs but atleast there are drinks (overpriced)
outside- better than being in a desert!

4) again with the hotness- no need for expensive sauna memberships, just sit
in Elec lab for twnty minutes and… actually scratch that one

5) atleast in labs there are no blue pixies

6) instead of blowing up your flat with all your ikea stuff and burning your
hand and making best friends with the ultimate anarchist, jsut go to labs to
reach rock bottom ( i think labs is the easier way)

7) you meet nice people

8) making that arm wiggle around and make a graph ojn hte computer screen is
quite cool (IMHO)

9) lab reports make you want to tear your hair out (save money on haircuts-
conced point for people who actually like there hair longish and neat)

10) erm…yes well conclusive lab is … something if not… not sure but
almost certainly on mondays and tues days.