October 27, 2005

The two o'clock mooos

Writing about web page http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows

Everyone's had the email which uses the metaphor of cow ownership to explain various systems of government. A typical email might include examples like:

Feudalism – You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Democracy – You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy – You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Communism – You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Cambodian Communism – You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucracy – You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

But stumbling across Uncyclopedia (an awesome waste of time - it's like Wikipedia but... not. Go look.), I happened upon a page called You_have_two_cows. It's by far the longest list of variations on a single joke I've ever seen. Including (but by no means limited to):

England – You have two cows. They go mad.
Wales – You hyve two cwws.
Romania – You have two cows. You must bribe them first if you want to milk them.
Zimbabwe – You have two cows, they do not vote for you but you still win. You kill your cows.
Google – Results 1 – 2 of 2 for cows. (0.27 seconds)
MSNBC – You have two (CLICK HERE TO BUY VIAGRA!) cows.
Flamer – yor mom has sex with 2 cows
Shakespeare – Two cows or not two cows? That is the question.
Dickens – It was the best of cows, it was the worst of cows.
Golding – You have two cows. The nerdy one falls off a giant rock and dies.
Tom Clancy – You have two cows. They go to war with each other. It takes 1,300 pages.
Catholicism – If you have two cows, you deserve them.
Islam – If you have two cows, it is the will of Allah.
Pragmatism – There are cows.
Atheism – What cows?
Rammstein – Du… Du hast … Du hast zwei Kühe…
Eddie Izzard – Er… yeah… so… COWS!
Yoda – Two cows you have.
Tetris – You have two L-shaped cows, but you really need two I-shaped cows.
Monty Python's Life of Brian – Apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the two cows ever done for us?
Keynesian Economics – You have two cows. Both of them are concrete.
Unimaginative people – You have two cows.
Binary – You have 10 cows.
Floating-Point – You have 1.999999999 cows.
Scientific notation - You have 2.0 × 10 0 cows.


(__) (oo)
/-------\/ ||
/ | ||----||
* ||----|| ~~
~~ ~~
div.cows {
text-decoration: none;
cows: 2;
border-left: 1px solid #000000;
20 GOTO 10

- 12 comments by 2 or more people Not publicly viewable

[Skip to the latest comment]
  1. Mathew Mannion

    It was all going so well until you mistakenly tagged the entry "Funny"...

    27 Oct 2005, 14:13

  2. (fixed)

    27 Oct 2005, 14:33

  3. Hypothesis: If Mat finds something not funny, then I probably find it at least mildly funny.
    Score so far: 2–0. Thanks to the Tetris one.

    27 Oct 2005, 14:51

  4. I find that funny- then again i'm not sure if i know anything.

    27 Oct 2005, 17:51

  5. I've not had the email about cows and types of gorvenment. The whole thing is cool, but being the politics geek that i am, do you still have the first bit in email form?? I want to sent it to my brother (little politics protege)

    27 Oct 2005, 19:40

  6. Jon and I liked the binary one.
    I love it.

    And the ASCII/CSS thing was also highly amusing.

    Oh dear – I am turning into a geek…

    "Stop it!"


    27 Oct 2005, 23:03

  7. Laura: I don't have a copy saved anywhere. Either click on my link at the top of the blog, or there's a more concise list here.

    Incidentally, the wikipedia page on cow jokes has far, far more versions than uncyclopedia (but in less readable format)!

    27 Oct 2005, 23:37

  8. Pippa, hey, it's ok. This post is officially funny now. How the hell are you anyway? Long time no speak.

    Lorna: geeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

    Thorwald: what was the other thing you disagreed with Mat over?

    27 Oct 2005, 23:40

  9. Hehe it was the Chinese Backstreet Boys! But it might be a wrongly stated hypothesis. Needs some work.

    28 Oct 2005, 00:08

  10. I have one cow and she's telling me to get off the internet. :)

    28 Oct 2005, 00:16

  11. Si: Yup
    Luke: That's called dominatrix-ism, I'm sure…


    28 Oct 2005, 18:14

  12. I know Simon, i have been buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusy. Life is far more chock-a-bloc when you actually have to do your work in your second year. LAME. It's just something i'll hae to live with i suppose.

    02 Nov 2005, 23:30

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