All entries for Wednesday 23 November 2005
November 23, 2005
I'll start at the beginning so you know where i'm coming from.
I had a girlfriend for more than 2 years before we split up about 6 months before I came to Uni. We never went through the dating game, i.e. I didn't ask her out and she didn't ask me out. It was throught a mutual friend that we got together. It's a complicated situation but it worked out. We went to the same youth group at my church and I had seen and liked her from the 1st time I went. I followed her around for a while, but she had a boyfriend at the time. She said that she had also noticed and liked me at this time and showed it to me by trying to stamp on my feet with high heeled boots (as women do). One evening she was sitting on the wall outside with her boyfriend when they had an argument as he had been seeing someone else at the same time. After this the mutual friend got us together. Looking back at it now it was doomed to failure really as it was a bounceback reaction.
Unfortunately I couldn't see this at the time as I had never had a "propper" girlfriend before, only a junior school thing. I should have also known by the fact that she had had ~40 other boyfriends before, but what can I say, I was young and naieve. That relationship lasted a long while mainly due to naivity (if that is even a word), the feeling from friends and media that I needed a girlfriend, competition with a friend, and "rose tinted specs". After her mum and dad devorced she became even more insecure and started accusing me of ogling other girls if I even looked in their direction. I also stayed with her to offer emotional support throughout this ordeal. We decided that when I went to University we would split and then if neither of us had found anyone else after 4 years we would get back together. This is what my mum did when she went to Uni and this was fine for a while. My girlfriends best friend knew that I was thinking about finishing it and asked me to let her down gently. Unfortunately it wasn't that gentle as we had an argument and I dumped her in that.
It wasn't that bad as we are still friends. She had said that should I dump her she probably wouldn't be able to ever go out with anyone else, but soon after this she started complaining that no-one loved her and that she was feeling sad and depressed at being single. Soon enough after she got herself another boyfriend. She seems to think that you have to be with someone in order to be a full and complete person. I think this is something to do with her childhood but there is nothign I can do about this that advise her.
Her best friend has been single for a long while and told me that I didn't need anone and that being single wasn't that bad. She is a good friend and good looking but I never considered going out with her, even though my now ex-girlfriend accused us of going out just to spite her. There were a good few other good looking girls at the youth group, but I decided that they were better as frinds and I woul wait until Uni before looking again.
I was really enjoying the single life. More money, more time and being able to do what I want and look in any direction I want. Now i'm here I am enjoying the freedom and independence that gives me. E.g. I can wake up at 11 in the morning, go to some lectures, do some work, stay up 'til 1 working (I work best in the evening) then go to Tesco. I can go out with my kitchen mates and come back at 3, then sleep in even later. I am having fun here and really enjoying it, but recently I have been feeling/acting weirdly. I will elucidate.
Recently, as you will know if you frequent my blog, I went to see "We Will Rock You" with Tech Crew and I ended up wishing that I was the guy in that. This wore off rapidly as we went for a drink and then had the minibus ride home which distracted me from thinking about it. The next one was Fame! It was an top notch performance, but it has the familiar love story element which again affected me. This time it was worse. I started fancying 2 of the character, I say characters because I think it is that more then the actresses. I was expecting this to wear of quite quickly as well but it didn't. Through all of the 2.5 times I saw fame I couldn't stop looking at these 2 people. The same thing happened at the party. Even though i know one of them has a boyfriend, as he was there, I couldn't stop looking at her.
Sunday evening, the evening after the party, I was writing the previous blog entry and got really annoyed thinking about it. Thinking abou the way we are bombarded with this image that you have to be part of a couple. I had problems listening to my music collection as I had to keep skipping songs that were to do with love. I couldn't listen to the radio for the same reason and I got to thinking about how many couples you see in films and magazines and even just around university. I almost cried on my bed just thinking about all this stuff and I threw a paddy just like a little child would but I don't know quite why. I know I don't have to have a girlfriend, I know it makes me no less of a man and I'm a christian so it has nothing to do with sex. To to stop myself thinking about it, as it was making me feel worse, I took a late night walk while listening to a speach show on the radio. I also end up thinking about this every time I see a couple holding hands around campus.
On Monday I was feeling better but then I saw one of them around campus, the one with the boyfriend, and again I couldn't stop looking at her. I really don't know what I am feeling that makes me look, but I don't want her to see me looking 'cos I don't even know her. I was then fine for the rest of the day as I was occupied with lectures and work and such like. I then saw her again on Tuesday while walking back from the lecture and the same thing happened. I am really hoping that this will wear off, as I have no chance and really don't want to keep feeling whatever this is.
I just thaught today that it may be because I am missing affection. I have noone to give me affection here. At home I have my parents, siblings and relatives to give me affection. I guess that I'm subconciousley looking for affection and that these musicals remind me of that and cause me to focus on someone who can't give me that affection, whether it be characters or actresses. Luckily I go home in less than 2 weeks so if this is the case it will hopefully sort itself out.
What i'm after here with all this nonsencical ramblings and pouring out is some advice. This is not the place you would normally look for advice but it is the place I feel most comfortable putting this. It gets it out in the air and may make me feel better. I am after advice about my current situation and also the dating game. I have never "played" it and have no clue about how to go about doing so. There are a few people around who are good friends who I like but have no idea as to how to go about this. Any advice at all would be welcomed on any subject raised here. Also if you have any questions for me, comment and I may answer them.
I'm now going to go to the graduate to get a drink and maybe do some work on my laptop.