All entries for Wednesday 01 March 2006
March 01, 2006
I never noticed her in the crowd
She was just one of the bunch
My mind was elsewhere
If someone said- you know Lizzie, Iíd say – the dead skinny one whoís never around
She needs a roast, and a wash
Fair Trade freak
Too skinny, like put your jumper back on skinny cos I can see your heart beating on the surface of your skin skinny
Back then she was too much at times
She called me unnecessary and rude, I lied and said she was good, but she isnt, but not to her face or in front of a large crowd because that would have been unnecessary and rude surely!
She was far more eloquent and proper than I, so that gave her license to offend of course.
I didnít want to get close to her
Didnít want to know anything about her
She got close to people, closer to some than others
Real close to some, like an intriguing close
She was comfortably close to some people
A strange combination, but looking back I can see why she was drawn
We went to a bar the other day, it was really nice and chilled; we were drinking gin and tonics. Anyway she looked lovely I made her wear our Jenniferís clothes, thatís me sister, a little skirt and Gucci shoes she looked dead nice and when we got in she got out this plastic knapsack full of porn, like I was a bit shocked but she said it was a fact of life. Anyway she put a tape of Eddie Izzard on and Ive gotta be honest Im not a big Eddie Izzard fan, maybe itís a northern thing I donít know, she lay on the couch- and handed me a pad she said Ďdraw meí I said ĎLiz, I cant drawí
In passing the odd occasional smile
Maybe hold the door for her
Move to the side if she needed to get passed
But as I say, I didnít notice her much
Once, really early on- we went to the supermarket together
She bought a really cheap white loaf
Fuck fair trade
or was it marge
nah, it wouldnít of been marge
Sheís dead skinny but she eats butter!
I packed the bags and she seemed shocked
She made some comment about me having my uses
I should have asked for a tip
We parted (they part) thank god
She was so rude on occasions
And never around
But something going on
But my mind was consumed elsewhere (goes to seduce a member of the audience, nestles in between)
Last year we went to Subway for Valentines Day. We got a free cookie. The next day he brought me 6 red roses slightly withered, they were left over at the restaurant. It was all perfect. Nothing had ever been so romantic.
Itís the 14th today maybe I should take Sarah, I wonder if weíd get a free cookie. She wouldnít eat a subway.
We met at a party. We spoke about twisters and when Iíd gone to bed I got a text about frost-covered ground, inviting me round for a vegetarian pancake the next night.
Tory called him The Poet.
He used to pick me up at 1 and heíd go to his house, sitting up till 4 on his sofa eating Satsumaís, then Iíd wake up and heíd drive me home.
He told me he loved me in that first week. He told Ooffi heíd fallen in love at that party.
I dreamt I was in a swimming pool; there were loads of pregnant women at one end. There was a girl at my end, she gave birth to my baby. Its cord was still attached it was slimy, then they cut it and it was beautiful. I wish I knew who I was with.
Sheís never been faithful before.
I was at camp it was summer. I must have been about ten. I had a white t-shirt and fluorescent flower cycling shorts on. It was the first day we were sitting on the grass outside. He was behind me. Started throwing grass and twigs at me. Thatís the first time I felt love. Ashley Fuller, ginger curtains with buckteeth. 2 years ago I found out he used to call me everyday before school. My mum told him to stop calling. Thatís why he didnít talk to me at the ice-disco. 2 years ago I asked her why sheíd done that she said I was too young and he went to state school.
I Didnít want to get to know her
Or anyone for that matter
Little fishes in a tiny pond
We were up editing all night, he brought twisters and weed.
We live together now. He has very muddy shoes. The other night in bed he read whilst I dripped crackers into a jar of chocolate spread. I went shopping for sexy underwear with his mum.
Every night we ate the same meal
What dya feel like?
I donít know?
What do you feel like?
We both knew what we felt like?
Should we have our pasta dishes
Everynight we spent £20 quid in tescoís
Come back and set up the pans
We had our own routine
One pot for veg
One pot for pasta
Colander in the sink
Two pans on the stove
One for creamy pasta
One for a tomatoe based sauce
I was tomatoe
He was creamy
Table set, bowls warming
Pineapple juice pouring
The daily mirror
Him reading the evens
Me reading the odds
To full to wash-up
Weíd lay on our tums
And fart, really loud
And laugh so loud, that sometimes I actually weed
Really smelly farts
I love you
I love u more
I stayed with Jack in Notting Hill that summer. He dressed me up in his sisterís clothes, a skirt and Gucci shoes no underwear. We went to a local bar and drank Jack Daniels and coke. I uncrossed my legs. We met a woman who had been to our school years ago. When we got home he drew me naked on the sofa whilst I watched Eddie Izzard on tape. It was a blue sofa. The grand piano behind me and my feet on the glass coffee table.
I took Hugo down to the forest for his 18th Birthday for a surprise. I pushed sparklers into the ground, and light them in the damp leaves. It probably wasnít what he expected.
He took e to Ninava in the summer. We walked through cornfields for hours. This is were he was playing when I was in my would with Peggy.
She looks travelled
But clean, not dirty
Comfy with herself
And her people
She has a smell
A travelled smell
An a tan
Her clothes fit strange
Like she never looks shit
They just fit
Always blues or greys
Sometimes curly hair
But never dead straight, sheís not straight
Sarah. I noticed her before anyone else, her dark eyeliner intensifying her Northern glare. The glare that existed both as I was obviously Southern, skinny and small and a glare that spoke of Ďwho are all these twats.í a look I understood well but unfortunately she didnít notice it in me) It felt as though it was Sarah and Tory then the others, that included me. We spoke once after a lecture where in my over physacalissed way I touched her; in a glare she said Ďdo not touch me, everí And also once in class were she had fake burped through an entire improvisation. I said it was disgusting and unnecessary.
So that was the first year and then there was the second. Both of us were in pand t and two incidents stand out. One where I ended up at the top of a ladder looking down watching Sarah masturbate.
This year she arrived with a broken nose and pissed in the sink.
The thing is I donít remember the first time I saw Sarah. I remember what I think I should but its rubbish. I can vaguely see an eyeliner-blurred silhouette but thatís it. What I wrote at the beginning was fabricated, to idealise a relationship. A non-existent relationship.
I canít even remember when we decided to work together.
A good voice, BBC English
Too high pitched at times, like piercingly too high
Like shut the fuck up high
No really shut up your doing my head in high
Like why are you getting so excited about nothing shut up
Like youíre going on shut up
We meet on no level
Her dad drives Concorde
My dad drives a Citroen Picasso
Her mum, works as ĎMy Mumí
My mum works forty hours a week
We would never meet out of here
Like never ever
Our paths would never cross
She would simply be Lizzie
And I would be me
We have nothing in common
Like nothing at all
We speak a different language
And donít understand one another
In order to understand each other we have to repeat sentences
Even in text messages, her answer wont be the answer to my question
I find myself adopting her accent and intonation, in-order for her to understand me
I donít say, dya know what I mean, I know yeah, what ya chatting
Cos she goes Pardon?
I know her now though
I take notice at the smallest things
I buy her medicated deodorant, just in case she needs it
I realised that even though our paths may never have crossed
So now were close, closer than close,
Were closer than I ever could imagine close
Itís a different close
We still donít understand each other
And I still have to write things down for her to understand me
And She still really does me tits in, like more than ever
In fact to the point where I just want to get hold of her
And just shake her sometimes
Wind her up, give her some nouce
Lessons on how to live in the real world
Sheís still too loud
But thatís her, I guess
And thatís it, shes just Elizabeth Anne Phillips
And thatís it
Perhaps I should elaborate. We were devising for what turned out to be Ďobscenesí. We were back stage setting up a bath. Then we got board so I climbed a ladder and Sarah lay on the shelf below. She asked me if she could play with herself, so naturally I said yes.
Well weíd been rehearsing all day it was after ten. Sarah was desperate for the loo we were locked in so I told her to wee in the sink. She kept saying I donít think you know how desperate I am Liz. I soon realised cause she weed in the sink.
We go to the arts centre a lot together. I get a hot water. She gets a coffee or perhaps its tea. I sit down or go with her to the counter were she pours sachet after of sugar into the paper cup. It looks disgusting.
Sometimes we go food shopping together. She goes to the magazines first. Then she buys squeezy tomato puree in a tube and sucks on it till itís all gone.
Sarah phoned me, ĎI m just coming, I didnít want you to get a shock I might have a broken nose.í
From what I can work out there seems to be a wake left after her. Of past relationships and casual flings. Iím not one of them. I canít see myself ever being one of them. Not to say I do or donít want to be one of them. Its just I cant see it.
Itís different, really different from anything Iíve ever experienced before
Iím not joking, this is really really different
I canít put my finger on it, or what it is
Its all in her eyes, you can get lost in her eyes
Look at her eyes
(takes lizzie into the audience)
(To audience member)
Your taken arenít you?
Look at you?
You wanna donít you, I can see
Look at ya
What are you looking at?
Take a look again; go on-Lets see what happens this time
Go onÖtake a real close look
Look into those eyes-you wont wake up with them
You wont hold that hair on a Saturday night after seven cheeky G&Tís
Doubles I tell ya
As she spews up a vegetarian lattice, a deluxe hot chocolate with only one marshmallow, a Satsuma and half a cheap white loaf
You wont have to listen to the entire sound of music soundtrack, as she takes on every role from Frauline Maria to little Gretel
ĎThe sun has gone to bed and so must Ií oh fuckin go then
You can have her if you like.. Iíll let you taste her
Slowly peeling back the skin
Itís so small and has the sweetest taste
The membrane covering the carpels are so thin
And the texture is so delicate
The flavour is so distinctive,
Although slightly tart
That distinct flavour, sweet although slightly tart
Thatís her smell, sweet although slightly tart
Go on, take her
Somebody take her
Come on, what will you give me to feel it
Oscar lent out of bed one night and started swearing. The dog had shat by our bed. Heíd put his hand in it.
Weíd sleep at 5. I had to leave for work at 6:30 Iíd wear my pyjamas under my clothes. Then Iíd race back to him at the end of the day.
His sister once asked if Iíd ever been given a golden shower, we were sitting a breakfast with Lucy, Dick, Gus and Freddie.
Oscar and I were having sex one night. The door opened and his 6 year old cousin got into bed with us she was sleep walking. It was the strangest thing. Osc picked her up and carried her back to bed.
He was so brave when Cath died
I remember feeling really proud of him
It wasnít as if heíd bottled everything up
Heíd cried with me on his own
And he cried when Dave told him at the hospital
He came back and I could see it in his eyes
He didnít have to say
He just looked lost, but he wasnít
I could find him again
when he saw me
His face didnít light up
I knew Iíd be able to help him
He was at the bottom of the garden
Heíd been sitting in the car for ages
Iíd seen him park up, but he hadnít come in
I thought it best just to give him a minute on his own
I met him at the door and he didnít have to say
Sarah came over once. We sat in the sitting room watching TV. He came home and sat with us. When she left he said Iíd been showing off to him.
We met for a drink in the arts centre. Would you like a drink or anything, no thank you, not even poloís, no Iím good- sheís using a baby voice. Why wont she insists on always getting me one. I e got cash, uuurrr no thanks. Well I had a deluxe hot chocolate and a vegetable lattice. It only has one marshmallow.
She has brown hair thatís always straightened, or it pulled back and a bit greasy. Thick hair. When I was at school we would have called it spammed back.
I remember her once talking about the importance of new trainer. How at her school you had to keep your trainers white. At ours you had to make them look old- even if they were brand new- thatís what it was to be cool.
She has thick brown hair thatís always straightened. Thick black eyeliner that makes her eyes piercing but small. Her features are harsh; I imagine them to be chiselled by the Northern wind. Her face is tough. Sheís not to be messed with. When she smiles sheís beautiful. But mostly her face says fuck off.
Sheís my height. But sheís taller than me.
Sarah can sing. I cannot.
Its funny I can notice her from far away now. I recognise her clothes, her walk the back of her head. I can make her out at a distance. It doesnít matter if itís new clothes, I can tell.
Youíll know babe
Is that it, when you find the one you feel nothing
You just sit their numb in the moment forever
Shit ive missed corrie
I know her now you see
Well, not her exactly, but more about her
And, I want to get to know more
Like everything there is to know
Its amazing how when you spend so much time with just one person, or the one person, that you begin to notice like the really small things
She does this face, a semi pout
She does it a lot
The lips come right out
And her head dips
And sheíll usually put her hands at the back of her
Or cross her legs even when sheís sitting on a chair
Why! I hate that
Its obvious sheís practised it in a mirror
And said yeah, thatís it, thatís my sexy face
S to L: Am I rude and unnecessary?
I would never revert a situation so that my insecurities, in fact become hers.
S to L: Am I rude and unnecessary?
Or maybe sheíll go for the other option
The massive smile, teeth and all
Be all like Iím a little eager to please beaver
Im cool, Iím from Guilford, Im Lizzie
Iím older and wiser
Ive been here before
Ive done that, Ive bought that T shirt and customised it
When I moved into his I found all the years of porn kept in a knapsack, see-through plastic, drawstring with rope for the shoulder straps. Why would you carry your porn around in a see-through plastic nap sack? Itís all right its Henrys too. Why would you share your porn with Henry? Lizzie, porn is a fact of life.
Sometimes its like she dresses up now. She wears jeans and loafers Itís very odd. At the bottom she almost looks like a Sloan. But her face is Northern.
I want to search her room. Really dig about. I think there would be something strange or a suicide note. Something strange.
I saw something in her, something different, something intriguing
I refused to get to know more
But found myself, simply knowing more
Its funny everything is a drama. I canít decide whether sheís making it, or just I it.
Its like. You know. Or you know when. Or sometimes its like. O funny though.
Sarah says she hates being with certain people but she chooses to spend time with them even more and you know infact she loves them. Perhaps itís the name.
She often doesnít speak in sentences. She often speaks about herself but not in sentences. O I donít know bab. Do you see what it is. You get it right I mean you know I donít know liz. Iím a mess. Gotta get it sorted. Iím fine. Iím fine You ok though bab. Come on liz shall we go.
Iíve started to wish she was with me when sheís not.
She came into work the other day and I was to the right of the bar putting some glasses away. I noticed her walk in, but I did a double take and when I realised it was her I thought Ďah yeahí there she is Ďah yeahí, Ďah yeahí she said something but I didnít understand what she said, so I just laughed
Sheís at work and I walk in. Sheís standing at the bar in front of me [accept she wasnít, she was to the right of the bar and back a bit] but i walk in and sheís standing at the bar in front of me. I go over and say Ďim stalking youí, she smiles and then says no but are you (sheís not sure I like it)
Sheíd never let me down
Or be late for anything,
She would never revert a situation so that her insecurities, in fact become mine.
She asks me all the time if sheís good
She asks, I am good arenít I?
No, youíre not just saying that are you, I am actually good arenít I
And I say, yeah youíre good
Youíre not just filling my head with shit are you?
No, Liz, Youíre good
Am I deluded she asks
I take a minute, think about the word, still donít understand, Am I deluded?
Anyway, she says Iím not rude or unnecessary too
Itís equal like that you see
Sheís good and Iím not rude or unnecessary
She's always making up stupid little lies. We were moving tables and she said sheíd joined the body building society, I told her she hadnít, no I have liz im not joking, you are, im not liz I have, you havenít shut up, I have fine what do you do, you just join and then you go to them for advice, [and for some reason now I believe her] no shut up liz of course I havenít I knew she hadnít
We go to the shop to get dinner. Itís our nightly routine. A very happy routine. She has tomato source, I have cheese. We separate the pans. She boils the kettle. We put the water in the pan. Sometimes spaghetti sometimes spaghetti sometimes penne. We get the plates, 2 spoons but they rarely get used. 2 glasses of wine, sometimes vodka. And when itís all ready we eat.
We lay on the floor together and fart as loudly as we can.