December 31, 2008

Eyes Only

Eyes Only

She sat in her garden and screamed.

It echoed.

She screamed again.

She dug her nails into her palms and burrowed her feet into the soil, pushing up little uneven mounds of dirt.

She pushed off from the rock upon which she was sat and ran across the garden until she hit the privet hedge on the opposing side.

She sank down to the earth in a rustling of leaves and a snapping of twigs, the whispering of beetles in her ears.

She yelled.

It echoed.

Alice McLullich yelled out questions and answers and accusations.

Alice looked down at her hands and saw the marks the nails had left.

She inspected the soles of her feet and saw the scratches the stones had put there.

She curled up on her green patch of grass, shadow cast across her figure in the evening light by the twigs criss-crossing above her, and winced as she felt the pain of the wound a sharp branch had torn down her flank.

She shut her eyes and tucked her limbs into herself, using the breeze as her blanket.

Alice McLullich sobbed, but nobody heard it.

- One comment Not publicly viewable

  1. George Ttoouli

    This is VERY weird – much more surprising than I expected of the opening line.

    Often I recoil at the mere mention of characters, screaming, howling in anguish, in any way shape form, but you’ve kept that aspect very sparse and pushed this somewhere strange.

    The character’s name is magical to my eye/ear, which rescues quite a bit of this. The extremely visual nature of the central section is very striking.

    I’d say you need to work on two particular lines: the “She curled up…” – verbs like ‘cast’ shadoes, ‘criss-crossing’ twigs (or lattices, or webs…) and the ‘sharp’ with the ‘wince’ and the ‘pain’ all add up to a sentence not working hard enough to construct Ally’s unique point of view.

    Also the last line: you could go far better than that. A quick edit would be to simply chop it and end on ‘blanket’ but a bit more work might come up with something that doesn’t ‘solve’ the piece, but does elevate it. Look for the ‘yugen’:

    08 Jan 2009, 16:13

Add a comment

You are not allowed to comment on this entry as it has restricted commenting permissions.

December 2008

Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa Su
Nov |  Today  | Jan
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31            

Search this blog



Most recent comments

  • I can't get your link as I've had two severe viruses on my computer and had to have it wiped by Rachel on this entry
  • This is VERY weird – much more surprising than I expected of the opening line. Often I recoil at the… by George Ttoouli on this entry
  • I love Georgia O'Keefe and have various prints of her maybe, maybe not vaginas. I completely agree w… by on this entry
  • Thank you! And yes, they do look kind of genital. The artist I had used as my starting point for tha… by Sarah Cuming on this entry
  • P.S. Where's your accessory story from this week? I want to link to it because I'm posting the rewri… by on this entry

Blog archive

Not signed in
Sign in

Powered by BlogBuilder