July 18, 2007
June 12, 2007
I have returned from the land of sheep and mountains (Wales) to realise upon my return that actually, everything is going to be ok. It was nice to step back from everything (even nicer to win £400 in bingo!!) and now I'm feeling good. I'm feeling thankful. And here's what for:
1. For perseverance of family - they'll never give up.
2. For mistakes, and knowing that suffering through them is worth it only if you make it so.
3. For music, a hugely underrated therapist and best friend, and my teachers for introducing us.
4. For trains running on time (honestly, it happened to me twice this weekend!).
5. For Rev. My sanctuary.
6. For pining for absent friends. It makes seeing them again so much sweeter.
7. For Poi. My recent obsession.
8. For blogs. It's good to talk :-)
What are you thankful for?
June 03, 2007
So I haven't blogged in a while, but I feel Anna's birthday bash deserves an entry. It was a wicked night (thank you guys for making it so and I really hope you enjoyed yourself Anna, despite my drunkenness!). Yes, I was drunk. No, I'm not too hungover. Quite fortunate really.
So here is a list of my favourite moments from last night: (this seems like the easiest way to report it lol)
1. So much Poi. Anna got two lots for her birthday and I brought mine - she has light-up ones that are sooooooo pretty. Paul's got some fab photos of them in the dark.
2. Poi + tram-ampoline = fun (and hard!). Made harder by alcohol.
3. Futon love. Thank you Rich Hoare for listening to my sordid confessions! You're a star x
4. Jon Finnis back from the dead (read: Kent). Along with Chrissi! Woo! The bad influences in my life :-) Love you for it x
5. Wine. So much wine.
6. A half-decent photo of me taken by Paul. Admittedly Mikey is trying to eat my head and most of my hair is covering my face. But it's actually an ok photo of me. Go figure.
7. I have never. Always interesting.
8. Being rescued by Anna and Megan after falling asleep on the bathroom floor. Thanks guys :-)
9. Preeeeeeeeetty lanterns.
10. Anna Hitchcock, the highlight of my night - I love you!
May 15, 2007
I am Welsh. And as such, I rarely hug, cuddle, or otherwise embrace anybody. I cwtch. Those of you who are Welsh should understand (and I apologise if I've spelled it incorrectly, this is how we spell it in my family). It is pronounced like butch, kinda. But with a kuh.
A cwtch is intimate, without being indecent or ever inappropriate. It communicates warmth without heat, and is more about love than any gesture that has ever been made to me. A cwtch from your mum will always make you feel better, and a cwtch from a partner can make you feel safe and at peace. A cwtch from a friend means understanding, and honesty, which is rare in friendships. Most people are comfortable enough only to cwtch a few people - it means forgetting your physicality and general self-image for a moment and just feeling.
I'm sending out a cwtch to Rich Hoare, because I think he needs it.
I'm sending out a cwtch to Ali C, because I think she understands it.
I'm sending out a cwtch to Rich Hook, in the hope it might help him relax.
I'm sending out a cwtch to my sister, and my mum. I miss you and I love you. I'll be home soon.
May 14, 2007
---ok I just finished writing this and it is rather long. If you really don't care about what happened during my weekend just skip to the last paragraph. It'll give you the jist :D And thank you again to everyone xx---
This weekend has been a bit of a rollercoaster. In that it has left me feeling dizzy and quite ill, but I'm still glad I got on.
Friday began in a kind of sucky way. I went to Spiderman 3 Thursday night (awesome if you liked the others, was expecting it to be a letdown but it wasn't) with Tim and Pat (my ex and my other housemate). It was kinda strange. And I spent Friday morning/afternoon obsessing about how much of a coward I am for not finishing it sooner, because in truth I realised a while ago it wasn't working. But then Mikey asked me if I wanted to go to the pub. This is where I made a good decision, and said yes. And then we went to Tescos (that was fun after several double malibus and a few Baileys - thinking of you Megs x) where Anna looked after me. She's done that a lot this weekend. Then I went back to their house and they asked me if I wanted to stay. And I really didn't want to go home. So I stayed.
I spent Saturday pretty much obsessing again, but also started drawing a Phoenix from celtic knots. That's not easy, by the way. I was invited to MAMP's (lol Mike-Anna-Martyn-Paul's) to watch Eurovision and I had every intention of going, even bought two bottles of wine to take with me. But as the day went on and I obsessed some more I started thinking I shouldn't go. I'd imposed enough Friday night, and I really wasn't the best company. But then Tim changed my mind by being a complete f***wit. Sorry. But it's true. So I went out, spontaneously caught the bus and then walked to MAMP's and knocked the door. And Mike answered and hugged me and told me it was ok. And it was. And when I walked into the living room I didn't feel like I was imposing, because it was welcoming, and I knew I'd made my second good decision of the weekend. Awesome. And so I stayed the night again (this time with PJs) and didn't get back till 10pm, after spending Sunday hungover under the care of Anna. Thank you for force feeding me.
And I don't expect anybody to have read all of this, because it's far too long, but I just want to thank my friends. Including Ali who text me today xx thank you. And I know I will get there eventually, I'll get back up and be ok. Because I have friends to help me. And this weekend, given the circumstances, has been amazing. So thank you.
May 10, 2007
Ok, BEFORE YOU READ THIS: Firstly, there is nothing sexually graphic here, despite the general theme of the poem - it doesn't get any more intimate than a kiss. Secondly, no, this is not written about anyone, I only wish it were. Y'know how you think back on things and ponder "If I could have done that, I would have done it like this...". Well here's how my first love should have been. Not my first time; that's not what this is about.
I close my eyes and take a breath,
I steel myself for what's to come.
And you take my hand and squeeze,
I know you understand.
I feel your fingers through my hair,
A sweet caress,
A gentle, loving sentiment,
And wonderment flows through my heart.
As your soft lips touch mine,
Not forcefully but questing, seeking,
And sweetly as a summer breeze.
I smile with ease
Against your parted, velvet lips.
I feel you share my smile,
An inch away from my drawn face.
You're holding back, so patiently,
I close the gap,
Our lips are touching once again,
I feel your unrushed hand stroke mine and shiver,
Leaning into you,
I feel your tremble echo mine,
My arms around your neck entwine,
I pull you close,
Resigned to it,
There's nothing else now I can do.
I feel your shock as my tongue laps at yours,
But you're still holding back,
"I'm not afraid", I whisper,
But you shake your head, you pull away,
"I don't want you this way."
I understand, I hang my head;
As if you could have wanted me.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly.
But suddenly I'm in your arms,
You stroke my back,
"I love you so much, don't you dare believe I don't,"
And I am thrown.
A single tear tracks down my face,
I hug you back,
We stay like that until my tears have dried,
But you insist I look at you,
"I don't want you to feel as though you have to do a thing,"
"Just lie with me, be safe,"
And I obey,
So happy I could die from it.
You stroke my hair,
I walk on air,
"For once, I feel at home," I say,
I turn my face to you and smile,
And when I see you smile right back
I know it's where I'm meant to be.
I kiss you,
Take you by surprise,
I see your eyes slide shut,
A moan escapes your lips,
As my tongue dips and weaves and plays,
I'm filled with joy.
We break apart and I feel shy,
You softly cup my cheek, and say,
"The things you do to me you'll never know,"
"I know I love you," I admit,
And hold you tight,
I won't let go lest you take flight,
I can't watch you storm out the door,
Leave life an empty dream once more.
But you return my tight embrace,
I'm happy in our private space,
Where noone can intrude, or hurt me,
Save for you,
I ask you softly,
"Tell me now, if it is true - do you love me?"
"You know I do."
May 09, 2007
May 07, 2007
Never attempt this many all-nighters in such a short space of time. Your body needs time to recover. No really. You write Gibberish, which, I am told, most markers are not fluent in. Fortunately, most people who read blogs regularly are, in fact, versed in the art of Gibberish. And they read the most Gibbery of Gibberish blogs to fill their lives. No matter how utterly Gibberful the Gibberish. They just keep reading. But that's nothing compared to the writer of these blogs, who will just keep typing whatever pops into their mind. Like how many variations of the word Gibber one can get in a blog. It's Gibbersome.
But in all seriousness, these strange blog-readers who are actually patient enough to read through the Gibber. I have all respect for them. I mean, this is my second entry tonight (that's how much I wanna work).
Oh look, the sun's coming up...
But yeah. Gibberish. Do you read it?
I had my hair dyed tonight. The occasion was presided over by the wonderful Mr Hook, and aided by the soon-to-be Mrs Hook. It all went rather well except, well, it's left me in a rather strange mood.
I'm not sure if it's the many chemicals in the purple dye, or the glass of wine (doubtful), or perhaps the comedown off of all of the alcohol I've absorbed this weekend, but I'm feeling considerably... vague. Which is not good, because I still have an essay to write tonight. And I'm blogging at 1am. Oh my.
I went to Rich and Ali's for wonderful food and better company and some pretty cool singing on American Idol (how much do I love Melinda?!). Me and Ali had some fun in the bathroom getting me rather wet (leave it!), Rich made sure my hair dye was done properly and cooked us awesome food (as always), Mikey played guitar while we sang and Thor... was Thor. And did his Dutch thing. Awesomely.
It was a brilliant night, and much needed. I've been going out a lot lately but normally in big crowds, where you kinda have to be cheerful no matter how you feel. It was good to be somewhere out of my house where I could just relax and actually be cheerful, solely for the reason that I didn't have to be. You four are my Angels - thank you for looking out for me. I've been so glad to have you in my life the past two weeks.
(Rich, if you're ever in need of a job and I happen to be earning a considerable amount, I am more than willing to pay you very well for your culinary services...)
May 05, 2007
You really probably shouldn't read this...
Slightly concerned that I labelled this entry #1, as if I'm aware it's not the only drunken entry that will spring from my fingers...
I made a confession tonight that I shouldn't have made.
I should first clear up a confusion about previous blogs that was brought to my attention tonight. My wasted faith is about my recent ex-partner. Where is My Love is about someone else...
I made a confession. And I shouldn't have said anything, I should have kept my mouth shut. But I want to confess, I want to tell people... ARGH or no I don't. I don't know. I don't want him to know. But I can't do this alone, I need advice. Robyn I know what you would say, and I'm sorry I drank tonight and I'm sorry I let you down. I'm so furious with myself that I can feel this way... I feel so confused.
You see some people would question my motive for posting this entry. It's seemingly pointless, just the ramblings of a (semi-) drunk and upset 21-yr-old, with nothing much to say except that she is... well, semi-drunk, and upset. But the difference is you are choosing to read this. If I corner you and tell you all of this I know you probably won't want to hear it. So here's you making a choice. And I don't expect any comments to this. I don't expect anyone to have read this far...
I don't think I've ever been so confused. And there's no stepping back from it, there's no getting away and deciding what I want. I don't have time to sort it out. So I need to make a decision, and I can't tell anyone about it, I can't ask anybody's advice. I don't want this to get back to him.
I made a confession tonight, and I shouldn't have. I really shouldn't have. Please don't let this get back to him. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to infect anyone with Sam-crap.
I realise I sound totally melodramatic and 'emo'. I do. Sometimes people feel this way. I guess it's only the melodramatic ones who share it with - well, force it on - the rest of the world. Hey, if you read this far, thank you. And I'm sorry. I don't even know if I made any points...