Reid's Great new Plan
In a speech tonight Dr. John Reid is expected to announce the Government will be reintroducing trial by Ordeal. The move comes after a recent headline in the News of The World attacked what they describe as 'A culture of Witchcraft'.
Human rights group Amnesty attacked the move, a spokesman saying, "This is yet another slap dash response to tabloid pressure by those wankers at No. 10".
Wannabe Leader of the Opposition, Menzies Campbell backed this stance at an OAP Rally this morning. "There are a growing number of instances where incidents which used to be regarded as high–jinks or normal adolescent behaviour 15–20 years ago are being seen as witchcraft now," he said.
Under the new system the accused would be bound and thrown into water. If they sink they are found innocent and if they float they are found guilty. The innocent person would then be rescued, though the rescue may not be successful.
Criminologist and author of 'How to kill Witches in the 21st Century' Professor McDougal explained, "In the middle ages Witches were imagined to float supernaturally above water because they had renounced baptism when entering the Devil's service. Now science has proved this to be true".
Robin Wendallson, of campaign group Victims' Voice, whose own son was once tricked into talking to a plant by a witch said that the new laws were long overdue, "Since the introduction of the Human Rights Act it has become impossible to treat Witches with the cruelty and ridiculousness that has been a British Tradition since Salem." Salem was in the USA.
Another perspective on the situation is offered by Barry Scott, member of The Daily Mail Stereotypes League, who described the move as 'Common Sense'. "It is about time that this country recognised that only a rose tinted view of the middle ages can save it from the persistent threat of terrorism, paedophiles, foreigners, Young People, human rights lawyers and Witches", he said.