A lot of my friends don't know me as well as they think they do, but right now maybe they know me better then I do myself. My lifes a complete mess at the moment, maybe some of you drugged up alcoholics might not see it that way, but thats how it feels to me.
I'd known that I had been in a downhill spiral for some time now, but even that couldnt prepare me for how things have gone badly one after another this summer.
I can't tell you why I came to warwick, but I know that I didnt find it hard to. I've had it easy, far too easy, throughout GCSE and A-level and I've been able to walk away with good grades. I hate the high school I was at for my GCSE and dont believe that I have made a decision better than the one to go do my a-levels elsewhere. I do blame my high school partly for the situation im in now, when I was back there I actually asked for harder, more challenging work, but they wouldnt let me do it. Instead I was left in patronising classes that slowly sapped my will to actually bother to work for my academic achievements. It amazes me now, how far I've actaully managed to get with this attitude, but now I guess im paying the price.
In my oppionon I've failed this year, most people I guess wont see it that way, but I not only missed the targets I had set last september, I didnt even get within a country mile of them! I failed to secure a grade to stay on the four year couse, I failed to stay on for a 1st, something that might be completey out of reach now, and I failed to secure a work placement for the summer. It was a shock, and it will shock me into working this year, but I dont think anyone should have let me get this way. There were a lot of decisons I made last year that compounded that problem I have with motiviating myself to work. I have always expected high grades from myself and so to get results like this was a real shock to the system. I'm no longer confident of my academic abilities and for the first time the target that im going to set myself seems out of sight.
I knew that to give myself the best chance to make up what I lost though last year's laziness I would need to be in a house with people I was comftable living with. That didnt seem to be too much of a problem back in june as I had a group of friends who I was going to get a house with. But, after almost 2 months of complete inactivity, the group finally fell apart. I dont blame the other members for leaving the group when they did, It was obvious that we were never going to get anything together.
At the time I still hadnt decided if there was any point me going back to Warwick, as I said I considered last year a complete failure, and suddenly not having a house to move into seemed to be more that I could handle.
I think if it had just been those 2 failures I may just continued how I was, but there is someone who I've been obsessively in love with for almost 5 years now and I heard this summer, that she is getting married. Of couse I knew that she had been seeing someone else, but I think it was that more than anything else that made me this disasterous course that I had set myself on.
I'm scared, very scared about what might happen in my life this year. I've always been able to ride along with confidenence, but now thats gone and I dont know how long its going to take me to find it again.
The good news is that I've found a house now, and in retrospect its probably better for me this way. It gives me a fresh start, away from the friends I chose last year.
I thought I'd write this blog to keep a record of how hard it going to be to change my life from something that I consider pretty worthless to something that I can be proud of.