January 31, 2007

Why do Chavs want to be your friend?

More to the point, why do they want to be your friend so much and then get so arsey if you won’t?

Picture the scene, I am with my kids outside Tescos (possibly my first mistake but press on) getting directions to a shop at 4.15 on Sunday afternoon when two chavs walk up and start talking to the store manager as though he’s not already talking to someone. They just want cigarettes but won’t walk to the garage kiosk which is still open 50 yards away.

Chav 1: Hey, just let me in, will you?

Manager: The store’s closed. I did say the garage is still open

Chav 1: I just want to buy some cigarettes

Me: Hey, guys, the manager said you could get some from the garage and you have just crashed a conversation I was in the middle of here.

Chav 2: Hey, man, why are you giving it all the mouth when your kids are here (places hand in front of mouth and imitates duck’s bill quacking)

Chav 1: (to manager) It’s over between me and you, isn’t it?

Me: I was trying to get some directions here before you guys interrupted

Chav 1: (to me) Hey let me shake your hand.

(Reaches over grabs my hand and squeezes very hard. I pull my hand free before he breaks it – it now reeks of aftershave, or something)

Me: Oi, don’t try to break my hand!

Chav 2: Hey, man, why are you giving it all the mouth when your kids are here (places hand in front of mouth and imitates duck’s bill quacking)

Chav 1: I wasn’t doing anything! (Big innocent, hey me? grin)

Me: Yeah, right, go get your cigarettes and let me talk to this man here.

Chav 2: Hey, man, why are you giving it all the mouth when your kids are here (places hand in front of mouth and imitates duck’s bill quacking)

  • see a pattern forming here, yet? Almost as though chav 2 had been rehearsing that particular phrase for days and now he knows it all the way through is going to use it as often as he can.

Chav 1: Hey, let me shake your hand again. I just wanna be your friend. (Big innocent, hey me? grin again. Gee, this guy is mates with the whole planet.)

Me: I’m not going to let you shake my hand!

Chav 2: Hey, man, why are you giving it all the mouth when your kids are here (places hand in front of mouth and imitates duck’s bill quacking)

  • yep, he actually didn’t say anything else the whole time…

Me: Oh shut up.

And then I walked off with kids in tow, my oldest asking ‘what was wrong with those men?’ .... ah, the intuition of youth… Discretion probably was also the better part of valour in walking off at that point: getting beaten to a finely graded pulp in front of your kids is not really terribly cool.

True story. Truly amazing experience. Enlightening.

Should have tried Sainsburys, instead.

My hand still hurts. I think Chav 1 trapped a nerve.


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  1. Michael S

    hmmmm… fair play to you for actually putting the chav in his place (or at least trying), but its really not worth the trouble. I certainly wouldn’t try that in London… chances are you may well get beaten to a finely graded pulp – i have seen people get beaten over more trivial matters.

    As for the performance of chav 2, i have also come across one of this drones before. It seems it is a stock phrase they deploy when baffled, as the brain whirrs into action.

    31 Jan 2007, 15:02

  2. chrissy 'p'

    hya

    am a chav but that chav sounded like a rite nobhead with da same line all da time ya shud ave smacked im one
    were i an bout if we wantin sumin we use more than one phrase an we always get it in the end cnt say wor it is but the shopkeepers are all finee wit us anyways an they hate goths an moshers they get along fine wit me

    L.G.C 4EVA fuk da world live it large an then go low its how ya all should go

    08 Feb 2007, 22:56


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