November 27, 2007

O Ruddy Dan.

So, Mickeyboy, whats it to be? Shall I count you as a willing accomplice? I wouldnt like for you to feel harassed, say, or bullied by me. This isnt about forcing anything from you. This is about choices, or praps I should say this is about one choice, because thats all there is. Do you go left? Or do you go right? Are you with me? Or are we parting company, me and your itsy secret?

I want to grind him beneath my soles, I want to crush his illiterate spirit, I want to remove his glib, sordid leer. I nod.

Is that a bona fide acceptance, Eymickey? You gonna go all the way through with this?

Another long nod. I want to pound his whoring greedy gammon face into the wall.

Great stuff, Mickeymyboy! Tuesday – eleven – the shop. Sharpish now Mickey. Off with you.

With that, I am out cold. Alone with my own thoughts, and with his cardboard civilities still getting knocked around in my head. My itsy shitting secret. How he knows is not a question I should worry about, itchy as it is: Ruddy Dan gets to know everything around here sooner or later. No, I just need to work out how to get from under his thumb without disturbing it too much: without him noticing before it's too late.

O Ruddy Dan, I am going to get out from this; and I am going to rub you out, along with my bitsy secret.

November 26, 2007

A hundred oriels, minarets, and pinnacles.

The ending of Edgar Allan Poe's 'The Domain of Arnheim' is a beautiful and extraordinarily long sentence: here, it provided a perfect image of death.  However, the style was too convoluted to uphold for a longer story, and too imposing to disregard.



Everything all the time, everything in your life has come easily, and has come beautifully; with grace, and a confident glide, you embodied a forceful, elegant sweep through the mustered courtesy and foolish blustering, the trappings of current that you were content to wilfully ignore.

Those fawning barnacles that attached themselves to you over time dropped with more, or were removed, but never grew disillusioned from your grace; and therein lay your power to move through the crowd without any noxious trail of discontent, and the plain, unmemorable pleasantry of your meetings with members from all walks, and from all races.

You realise, now, the immaculate simplicity of the relations you have held in your pocket-book – as indeed, with those in your bedroom – and how it forms a twining thread of ferrous silver through your self; – from its earliest signs of emergence, in stifled grunts of reciprocal passion, to this end-lit climb.

Mindful of what must come, you open, and you embrace; it comes easily, and it comes beautifully. There is a gush of entrancing melody; there is an oppressive sense of strange sweet odour; – there is a dream-like intermingling to the eye of tall slender Eastern trees – bosky shrubberies – flocks of golden and crimson birds – lily-fringed lakes – meadows of violets, tulips, poppies, hyacinths, and tube-roses – long intertangled lines of silver streamlets – and, upspringing confusedly from amid all, a mass of semi-Gothic, semi-Saracenic architecture, sustaining itself by miracle in mid-air; glittering in the red sunlight with a hundred oriels, minarets, and pinnacles; and seeming the phantom handiwork, conjointly, of the Sylphs, of the Fairies, of the Genii, and of the Gnomes.


The various voices are, ideally, represented by different fonts à la The Adoption Papers; here, I have had to split the sections off to compensate, which makes it harder to distinguish the 'characters', few as they are in this version.  This is the bare-bones initial state of the piece, I am not sure which additions I will keep.


CAPE HIRE is the innovative new enterprise from the minds behind the GHOSTER TOASTER and the socially-renovating FRIENDS TOGETHER FOREVER.

Have you lost loved ones in natural, yet preventable, disasters? Have you been pushed around due to a less-than-desirable physique? Or have you ever been late for an important meeting, because you simply can’t move at anything approaching the speed of light?

Repressing those bad memories may be impossible, but preventing similar ones from developing will become the right of everyone with a credit card from next week!

CAPE HIRE will be offering superpowers for hire from low, low prices. From the opening week super-speed, super-strength, damage-resistance, super-flexibility and super-agility will be available, with many more to be added before the end of the year, on a staggered schedule.

As an added bonus to early-comers, utility belts will be sent to everyone who orders a superpower in the first 24 hours of operation.

CAPE HIRE is open for business from next Sunday, with a simultaneous worldwide opening at 9AM PST, following opening celebrations in Tokyo, Los Angeles, New York, Berlin, Lisbon, Manchester, Singapore, Jakarta, and many other cities around the world. Check our official site for details.

- Spenser John, CAPE HIRE PR-Marketing Chief.

Does anyone know if this is for real?

Governments divided over Cape Hire

Shortly after the Cape Hire project was announced last night, governments made responses, ranging from cease-and-desist commands to requests for government discounts on superpowers when it opens to the public.

Few details beyond the initial press release are currently available, but the concern is valid: how will the safety of citizens be ensured when anyone is able to pay for superpowers? The Cape Hire team declined to comment, but hinted that they would respond to all worries within the next few days.

This Cape Hire stuff appears to be genuine. Can I be the first to ask: what the fuck? How does this happen? Superpowers?


Progress of the human race my arse. It’s too sci-fi.


Cape Hire catch criminals

In the most off-the-wall and out-of-the-marketing textbook publicity stunt of recent years, today Cape Hire employees are patrolling the streets of at least twelve major cities around the world, using superpowers to catch petty thieves.

Reports are still coming in, but at least thirty pickpockets and shoplifters have been caught by the Cape Hire employees using the super-speed and super-strength powers. All criminals were handed in the relevant authorities.

The authorities, meanwhile, have been left speechless by this new brand of citizen’s arrest.

Have you seen anything on your city streets? Leave a comment in the form below.


It appears the launch of Cape Hire will go ahead as planned, despite protests at almost every launch celebration party. Politicians, armed forces, police services, leading academic figures, and community leaders have all spoken out against the project, yet none have managed to find the legal loopholes that would prevent it from going ahead. Cape Hire is simply too radical a movement to be brought down by laws written when it could have never been foreseen; as indeed it could not have been until a few short days ago.

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