All entries for January 2006
January 30, 2006
I think its interesting how much I've changed since coming to uni, interesting to me I mean, doubtfully interesting to anyone else but hell it's my blog and I'll write I want on it…
It was definately one of the most contributing factors that lead to the end of my relationship, how much we both changed since going to uni, and the distance that then grew between us. For one, most people would barely believe now that I used to be shy, introverted, pretty much everyone's doormat, and I mean in a way that's still the case but I am most definately a lot more confident and a lot louder than I used to be, mostly thanks/due to RAG. So would see this as a bad change, she did, personally I think it's both good and bad in different ways…but there you go…
There's one specific change that I've been thinking about recently, which I suspect links in again with my seperation from her in the way that almost everything seemingly does. In my time before coming to uni, the two years I spent at my 6th form and the gap year following I again changed a lot, largely due to her influence as well as many others, and probably also following my 'coming out' as it were, and the various reactions I got from friends and family etc. The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler was one of my favourite books, and everytime I read it I felt fired up and inspired to try to make a difference and stop violence against women etc. I couldn't wait to come to uni and hopefully get involved in a production of it, or even start one if needs be. On top of that I was really looking forward to getting involved in WarwickPride, to go on Pride socials and meet up with other like minded people, who liked the same books, films, music I did, or even if not felt the same way I did about wanting to change the world. I wanted to stand up and campaign against homophobia and legislature such as Section 28 and for same sex marriage. I used to visit the Stonewall website to find out what was going on, and in the months before coming to uni I even began visiting the WarwickPride website in the hopes of finding out more about how I could get involved and maybe finding a forum I could post on and get to know current members and others who would soon be at Warwick.
Yet 2 and a half years later, and nearly half way exactly through my academic time at Warwick and, Glitter Ball's and start of year Welcome Buffet's aside, I've yet to actually attend a single Pride social. Actually thats a lie, I managed to go to one back in my first term last year, we went to the Oriental Star in Leam and then to Oxygen, but that is it. I even put down my intention to join Pride on my accommodation application for God's sake, in an attempt to ensure that I didn't get put with anyone potentially homophobic and that I would hopefully get put with other 'gays' (although thinking about it now how Warwick Accommodation would know someone is homophobic seems somewhat dubious, as I doubt anyone would write that on their application!).
When I went round the fresher's fair in my first few formative weeks here, I gave my email to so many societies, half of which was purely to get them to leave me alone, but some I actually thought I might be interested in. WASS was one of those societies, yet after almost an entire year on their mailing list I never felt inspired to join, and generally just deleted the emails without even reading them. Even this year I've been promising myself I'd get involved in Pride, start going to the socials more regularly, by which I mean at all, run for an exec position, and hopefully get a chance to, as originally intended, make a difference, but now it all seems a bit too late.
Now anyone who knows me knows that its not as though the Warwick Apathy so many complain of hasn't exactly got me completely. After being guilted into going on the RAG Dublin hitch back in my first ever term, I'm now intending to run for RAG President following a year as raid co-ordinator. RAG is my life now, it has completely taken over, largely because I've let it, and I'm even thinking now of pursuing charity organisation into a career when I finally finish here (since lets face it, what am I really going to do with a Philosophy degree). It's an amazing society, filled with people who are so accepting and have so much fun, and yet ultimately do it all for charity, to raise money for people who really need it, and I guess actually 'make a difference' to people's lives. If I'm really honest too, it's largely my commitment to RAG's fault that I haven't found the time to get involved with Pride, because I'm always busy with some other "RAG stuff". Yet I can't seem to shake the feeling that if I really wanted to I would find the time to get involved in other societies, i.e. Pride, the way I've intended too since before I even started here. So why haven't I?
For one I feel the fact that then I had a girlfriend, and now I don't is probably a contributing factor to my renewed desire to actually bloody get myself to a social, but I wouldn't say that's the reason I never got involved at all, since I clearly wasn't out to get involved originally to get myself laid! I wonder whether it is perhaps the Warwick Apathy that's gotten to me, or the 'Bubble Effect' which causes me to forget the real world thanks to the safety and accepting nature of campus. I wouldn't think twice about being openly affectionate with another girl in the piazza, or even in Leam, yet back home I certainly still would, and I live in Manchester for God's sake! I swear there's something in the water round those parts, so many people I know from there have come out, and I even know people who go there to uni and come back gay! Yet despite being out to my parents and my friends, and generally comfortable to be with my girlfriend in public, everytime I go back to work there I go back into the closet, even to the point of telling my co-workers, in the place I spent my gap year, that I had a 'boy'friend. Why? I shouldn't have to do that! Chances are I probably don't have to do that, that it's just me being neurotic and they'd probably be fine if I did 'come out', but then there's also a chance they wouldn't be, and I wonder whether I'll do the same thing and how long I'll try to keep the charade up when I do leave the bubble and have to make my way out there in the 'Real World'
I've become so cynical and jaded since coming to uni, and in a way I suppose that's a not such a bad thing, but in others it really is. I've lost a lot of my child like innocence, naiviety and enthusiasim. I hear about and read about the campaigning efforts of Pride and WASS now-a-days, and instead of feeling inspired to join in half the time I just feel sarcastic and snipey, like what they're doing doesn't really matter, when it really does! I need to overcome this cynical, sarcastic person I've become, fitting as she seems to be to the nature of my degree, my friends, and my general life here at Warwick. I need to regain some of that child like innocence and actually try to get involved before it really is too late.
January 28, 2006
So, the Glitter Ball 2006 was amazing, well done to WASS and Pride who organised it, great fun was seemingly had by all and I even managed to stick to my resolution to stay sober following last years debauchery…although I still didn't have the damn guts to do something I promised myself and about half my friends I would do tonight and actually go a talk to a certain someone. I'm lame, I know this now.
But yeah, aside from my blatant lameness, it rocked, everyone there looked amazing, Jen Lexmond who played guitar and sang was absolutely stunning and you should all go see her play/sing if ever you get the chance (I think she said she's playing Kelsey's next Friday the 3rd for any Leamingtonians reading this), and all in all it was fantabulous! And I have to say, it feels so good to know I won't wake up with a hang over tomorrow morning!!!
January 24, 2006
Right then, I signed up for this damn attention seeking public diary style "here are my thoughts please comment on them" thing for a reason so I've decided to stop being so rubbish and scared and actually damn well start blogging!
See, thats the thing, it sounds weird to say but I think I can happily admit I was scared to blog. Not because I've become blog-phobic, although I'm sure one more neuroticism wouldn't make much difference, just give my future therapist more to deal with, but because I'm so damn self conscious and scared of what other people think of me!
This relates to something I read and commented on another blog which got me thinking to how I am so restrained by what people might think of me. Now this isn't to say I'm false in anyway, at least I seriously hope that I'm not! I don't think I ever act in a way which isn't who I am, the problem is there are so many different shades to who I am, and I do tend to analyse every situation I'm in to figure out which "Becca" I should be today. This obviously can cause some problems and mini-crisises of self when I'm put in a situation with conflicting variables, people who know me one way, and others who know me another. This is also the reason I haven't been able to blog.
You see, its easy to show different sides of your personality for every situation you're in, as long as you can correctly interpret what is expected/required of you with each person, and in a way it relates very closely to my damned need to keep everybody happy at all times to the expense of my own needs or wants. But blogging? Who would I be? With potentially anyone else in the entire world able to read whatever I chose to write I had no way of knowing how to start! I could write about my many and varied and normally drunken exploits with RAG, or philosophise on what I thought of, or how I was struggling through my degree. If I was writing late at night chances are whatever I tried to write it would come out melodramtic, dark and cynical, and if written in the last few months would be highly likely to contain something on her, and the continuing collapse of my emotional state since the break up (see its only 20:23 and the melodrama's already setting in!).
Then there's the attention seeking nature of it all vs my fear of being judged. Obviously, in writing a blog, I'm writing it so that others can pass comments on my thoughts, so that they can give responses and discussions can be forged, yet at the same time this sits uncomfortably with me. Being of the insecure paranoid nature I am there's always the worry, re: above not knowing how to act that the judgement won't be a good one. If I write a truely open and honest blog anyone could read it and change or form their opinion of me on the basis of what I write, if I do open my inner most thoughts up for public scrutiny I am leaving myself incredibly vunerable to attack…not a sensible position for a neurotic such as myself to put herself in!
You need only look at my first ever blog entry for evidence of this blogging fear. What I wrote originally I do have saved on my computer incase I changed my mind again and decided to restore it, but I doubt I ever will. It was such a happy, fluffy "this is my first blog entry" that the more cynical jaded side of me felt the need to destroy it upon later re-reading, why; fear of judgement. See thats the thing with this blogging malarky*, there's so many different ways it can be taken. I could try to be witty, dark and sardonical, but then chances are I wouldn't succeed and I'd just end up looking daft. Same thing if I try to seem cultured or intelligent in anyway. See, I'm very good at blagging my way through something, pretending to know more than I do, if I'm actually in that situation. When it really comes down to it though I invariably know much less than I ever make out, that or maybe I know more than I think I do and thats just my lack of confidence showing…
Anyway…this is it, me. Pretty much brain to blog, a straight flow of consciousness laid out for everyone and anyone to read. Of course I wouldn't be so seemingly arrogant to suggest that anyone is actually going to be bothered to read all this, and chances are in fact very few people will, although then again that could just be my self-deprecating nature taking over again.
Lets see how long it is until I delete this entry shall we…
*a word which is by far under used in this day and age!