January 24, 2006

Right then…

Right then, I signed up for this damn attention seeking public diary style "here are my thoughts please comment on them" thing for a reason so I've decided to stop being so rubbish and scared and actually damn well start blogging!

See, thats the thing, it sounds weird to say but I think I can happily admit I was scared to blog. Not because I've become blog-phobic, although I'm sure one more neuroticism wouldn't make much difference, just give my future therapist more to deal with, but because I'm so damn self conscious and scared of what other people think of me!

This relates to something I read and commented on another blog which got me thinking to how I am so restrained by what people might think of me. Now this isn't to say I'm false in anyway, at least I seriously hope that I'm not! I don't think I ever act in a way which isn't who I am, the problem is there are so many different shades to who I am, and I do tend to analyse every situation I'm in to figure out which "Becca" I should be today. This obviously can cause some problems and mini-crisises of self when I'm put in a situation with conflicting variables, people who know me one way, and others who know me another. This is also the reason I haven't been able to blog.

You see, its easy to show different sides of your personality for every situation you're in, as long as you can correctly interpret what is expected/required of you with each person, and in a way it relates very closely to my damned need to keep everybody happy at all times to the expense of my own needs or wants. But blogging? Who would I be? With potentially anyone else in the entire world able to read whatever I chose to write I had no way of knowing how to start! I could write about my many and varied and normally drunken exploits with RAG, or philosophise on what I thought of, or how I was struggling through my degree. If I was writing late at night chances are whatever I tried to write it would come out melodramtic, dark and cynical, and if written in the last few months would be highly likely to contain something on her, and the continuing collapse of my emotional state since the break up (see its only 20:23 and the melodrama's already setting in!).

Then there's the attention seeking nature of it all vs my fear of being judged. Obviously, in writing a blog, I'm writing it so that others can pass comments on my thoughts, so that they can give responses and discussions can be forged, yet at the same time this sits uncomfortably with me. Being of the insecure paranoid nature I am there's always the worry, re: above not knowing how to act that the judgement won't be a good one. If I write a truely open and honest blog anyone could read it and change or form their opinion of me on the basis of what I write, if I do open my inner most thoughts up for public scrutiny I am leaving myself incredibly vunerable to attack…not a sensible position for a neurotic such as myself to put herself in!

You need only look at my first ever blog entry for evidence of this blogging fear. What I wrote originally I do have saved on my computer incase I changed my mind again and decided to restore it, but I doubt I ever will. It was such a happy, fluffy "this is my first blog entry" that the more cynical jaded side of me felt the need to destroy it upon later re-reading, why; fear of judgement. See thats the thing with this blogging malarky*, there's so many different ways it can be taken. I could try to be witty, dark and sardonical, but then chances are I wouldn't succeed and I'd just end up looking daft. Same thing if I try to seem cultured or intelligent in anyway. See, I'm very good at blagging my way through something, pretending to know more than I do, if I'm actually in that situation. When it really comes down to it though I invariably know much less than I ever make out, that or maybe I know more than I think I do and thats just my lack of confidence showing…

Anyway…this is it, me. Pretty much brain to blog, a straight flow of consciousness laid out for everyone and anyone to read. Of course I wouldn't be so seemingly arrogant to suggest that anyone is actually going to be bothered to read all this, and chances are in fact very few people will, although then again that could just be my self-deprecating nature taking over again.

Lets see how long it is until I delete this entry shall we…

*a word which is by far under used in this day and age!

- 4 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. Please don't delete it. I think it's important to externalise these emotions.
    I don't believe I have a solution to any of the matters that you raised in your entry, I don't really know if there is a solution for most of them, however I would strongly advise you not to worry too much about what other people think of you. Much easier said than done, of course, and I'm fairly inept at following that particular peice of advice, myself. However the more you do it the easier it gets. There used to be a point where I was worried about what the avergae person walking down the street or sitting next to me on the bus thought about me, but I'm mostly over that. Of course it's necessary to have some sort of social barrier or defence depending on the situation, but don't hide your true self away too well or constantly.

    If you delete this entry I'll be grumpy with you.

    24 Jan 2006, 21:18

  2. "If I write a truely open and honest blog anyone could read it and change or form their opinion of me on the basis of what I write"

    My opinion of you is formed solely on your blogs. And if I were to take exception (which I don't!) then it would be exception to the blogs, not you. I am fully aware that my opinion reflects the very narrow scope of a few thousand words of blog, and that you are, in the flesh, an entirely different person.

    So you mustn't be afraid of what people think of you online, because they only know the blogs, not you. You are always safe from others opinions and scrutiny, because they will never know the true you.

    Don't fear judgement – stay out there and enjoy this blogging malarky!!

    24 Jan 2006, 21:28

  3. Lol, thanks, well I promise not to delete it for the moment at least!

    I don't know, I'm a hell of a lot more confident than I used to be since coming to uni, problem is quite a lot of that has been knocked back recently. I had/continue to have a fairly rough break up with the girl I'd been with for the last 3 1/2 years, which has sort of blown out the foundations of who I've grown into over the last 4 years or so, her influence being a fairly massive part in helping me to start to get over my lack of self-confidence and stop being such a doormat of a person.

    Thing is I both believe and don't believe all this stuff. I can't deny that what I wrote is true, I am such a neurotic self-conscious mess of a person inside, thats why I haven't blogged for so long. But then there's the other side of me, that reads what I've written and just thinks "for God's sake don't be so pathetic, just bloody well get on with it!". Over the last few years I thought I'd gotten a lot better, and I certainly cared a lot less what your average person thought of me, but now I realise that was because I knew I had her. She just took over as being my raison d'etre, the only person who's opinion of me really truely mattered, and I think that confidence was reflected in how I acted. Now its over its kind of a case of finding my feet again, and trying to fill the seeming hole in my maturation, in a way its like being knocked back to being 16 again.

    Plus I don't think it helps I'm naturally a worrier, always have been, probably always will be!

    24 Jan 2006, 21:38

  4. Nathan – Thanks. I think it is actually incredibly cathartic writing these things and getting a response to them! Guess I see now why so many people use them! I see your point though, although I do think a blog can, or should be able to give you a fairly close insite into the inner workings of the person writing it. Then again maybe that's me being overly analytical again! I mean, I may form an opinion of someone based on what they write in their blog, but if I then met them I certainly wouldn't hold that opinion over them as Who They Are, especially if it was then contradicted by any direct interaction with them! I suppose like any medium of communication a blog is ultimately only a very small fragment of an expression of who a person is, or what they intended to express with it, and as with all other forms of communication is open to vast interpretation and indeed mis-interpretation!

    Also…fantastic use of the word malarky there! Hehe…

    24 Jan 2006, 21:47

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