Right then, I signed up for this damn attention seeking public diary style "here are my thoughts please comment on them" thing for a reason so I've decided to stop being so rubbish and scared and actually damn well start blogging!
See, thats the thing, it sounds weird to say but I think I can happily admit I was scared to blog. Not because I've become blog-phobic, although I'm sure one more neuroticism wouldn't make much difference, just give my future therapist more to deal with, but because I'm so damn self conscious and scared of what other people think of me!
This relates to something I read and commented on another blog which got me thinking to how I am so restrained by what people might think of me. Now this isn't to say I'm false in anyway, at least I seriously hope that I'm not! I don't think I ever act in a way which isn't who I am, the problem is there are so many different shades to who I am, and I do tend to analyse every situation I'm in to figure out which "Becca" I should be today. This obviously can cause some problems and mini-crisises of self when I'm put in a situation with conflicting variables, people who know me one way, and others who know me another. This is also the reason I haven't been able to blog.
You see, its easy to show different sides of your personality for every situation you're in, as long as you can correctly interpret what is expected/required of you with each person, and in a way it relates very closely to my damned need to keep everybody happy at all times to the expense of my own needs or wants. But blogging? Who would I be? With potentially anyone else in the entire world able to read whatever I chose to write I had no way of knowing how to start! I could write about my many and varied and normally drunken exploits with RAG, or philosophise on what I thought of, or how I was struggling through my degree. If I was writing late at night chances are whatever I tried to write it would come out melodramtic, dark and cynical, and if written in the last few months would be highly likely to contain something on her, and the continuing collapse of my emotional state since the break up (see its only 20:23 and the melodrama's already setting in!).
Then there's the attention seeking nature of it all vs my fear of being judged. Obviously, in writing a blog, I'm writing it so that others can pass comments on my thoughts, so that they can give responses and discussions can be forged, yet at the same time this sits uncomfortably with me. Being of the insecure paranoid nature I am there's always the worry, re: above not knowing how to act that the judgement won't be a good one. If I write a truely open and honest blog anyone could read it and change or form their opinion of me on the basis of what I write, if I do open my inner most thoughts up for public scrutiny I am leaving myself incredibly vunerable to attack…not a sensible position for a neurotic such as myself to put herself in!
You need only look at my first ever blog entry for evidence of this blogging fear. What I wrote originally I do have saved on my computer incase I changed my mind again and decided to restore it, but I doubt I ever will. It was such a happy, fluffy "this is my first blog entry" that the more cynical jaded side of me felt the need to destroy it upon later re-reading, why; fear of judgement. See thats the thing with this blogging malarky*, there's so many different ways it can be taken. I could try to be witty, dark and sardonical, but then chances are I wouldn't succeed and I'd just end up looking daft. Same thing if I try to seem cultured or intelligent in anyway. See, I'm very good at blagging my way through something, pretending to know more than I do, if I'm actually in that situation. When it really comes down to it though I invariably know much less than I ever make out, that or maybe I know more than I think I do and thats just my lack of confidence showing…
Anyway…this is it, me. Pretty much brain to blog, a straight flow of consciousness laid out for everyone and anyone to read. Of course I wouldn't be so seemingly arrogant to suggest that anyone is actually going to be bothered to read all this, and chances are in fact very few people will, although then again that could just be my self-deprecating nature taking over again.
Lets see how long it is until I delete this entry shall we…
*a word which is by far under used in this day and age!