February 15, 2007

Outlet

Blogging during the day time isn’t normal for me. Normally its 3am, I’m still awake for some unknown reason and my emotions are running high enough to push whatever has been spinning inside my brain out into the world of the blog…

Today seems to have resulted in such without the need for midnight brain states, guess my emotions are just running generally higher at the moment, that’s probably not good but oh well. I need an outlet, for so many reasons, but that’s the only reason I ever blog. An outlet first of all for whatever is spinning around inside my head, some way of getting it out into the open so I can look at it in contrast to the rest of the world with that “Ohhh…that’s what it is” sort of feeling. That’s what this blog is for, as they all are, but as well as being an outlet itself it’s to express a further need to expend my various energies. Is expend a word? Well it is now, that’s the way language works so there.

I miss sixth form. I’ve thought this a lot during my time at here at Warwick. I mean don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t give up some of the people and some of the experiences I’ve had here for anything, and I much prefer the person I am now compared to who I was when I first arrived years ago, but despite all this I can’t deny that “the best years of my life” haven’t been here, they were back then. I thought about this when I was at sixth form actually, since I was so much happier then than I had been at high school, but it definitely wasn’t just that stark comparison that made it such a great place to be. I said I preferred myself now to the me I was then, this is true, but there are some aspects I miss. When I was in sixth form I literally wore whatever the hell I wanted, I genuinely didn’t care what people thought of me, I wish that was the case now but I know for a fact I wouldn’t wear half the clothes I had back then around campus now. More than just that though I actually did something with my time back then, I’d stay up until 3am making jewellery for people and still get up at 6:30am for a full day in college, I’d buy from sales and charity shops and sit and detail my own clothes, I’d spend my free periods sat in the library doing the reading for my classes or essays, and you know they really don’t lie to you about getting more out of it if you do the work before hand. Most of all I had her, but there’s nothing I can do about that now.

There’s a facebook group “University is making me stupider”, no its not, University is making you lazier, it certainly is me. I sleep so much more here than I ever did back then because my subconscious knows I don’t have anywhere I have to be. Lectures yes are supposedly manditory, but no-one really treats them as such, especially when you can just get the notes of the internet or something. There is so much I could be spending my time on, so much I could fit into my days here if I wanted to, so much more I could have gotten out of the three year’s I’ve spent up here in the land of Warwick. People complain about not having enough time in the day to get everything done, I am one of the worst people for doing it, well its really not true. If I actually got up in the mornings and got on with things I’d easily get everything I need to done as well as a lot of the things I just want to. This is why I’ve ended up feeling like this. I have all this creative energy buzzing around me, all this stuff I want to be doing, but instead I just procrastinate on facebook.

So despite it being way past New Year, here is my list of things I want to start doing again, so that hopefully I can feel more like I’m doing something with my life beyond just staying physically alive.

Learn to play my guitar, properly not just a couple of songs; learn to sing, I love singing but I don’t have the confidence to really do so in public or at the top of my lungs, I want to get that somewhere; start making jewellery again, it used to take me hours just to get the tiniest things done, but it was always so worth it in the end; Learn to sew, or at least start adding things to my clothes again, to make them mine and to make them more interesting than they are at the moment; start drawing again, rekindle my love of art that AS level Art stripped from me; go to the theatre more, I miss going to see random plays and there are so many productions here that are so worth going to see; read more, I don’t mean my course books here, although that will be in the list, I used to devour books but I haven’t read a non-philosophy book in so many years now, it actually makes me sad; actually start reading my philosophy books and putting the work into my course, I love philosophy, that’s the reason I took it to degree level, but I’ve spent the last 3 years coasting and I get so much more out of it when I do actually work. I think that’s about it.

The list is there more for me than for anyone else, like I said just an outlet to get it all out into the open and try to slap myself out of this pit of laziness and apathy I’ve fallen gradually into across the last three years. Maybe it’s an effect of the ‘Real World’ looming dangerously on the horizon, but whatever the reason life is passing me by and I’m sick of procrastinating my way through it. That is all.


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