All entries for Tuesday 14 March 2006
March 14, 2006
Haven't blogged for a while, tis about time I did…
I've been left thinking a lot recently on various different topics, as is usually the way, and I've wanted to blog them, but its normally late at night and so I get tired, or distracted, and never get round to formalising them here… I'm sure there were too many commas in that sentence.
Anyway, something that has been on my mind recently is the nature of my reality here, or rather the lack there of. Its strange, and I think a consequence of 'the bubble' although I don't live there anymore I certainly spend enough time there to feel its effects! Since I came to this uni I've felt as though this life is very much a completely distinct and seperate world from my life back home, my actual life. This feeling did disappear towards the end of last year and in the first term of this, when although remaining seperate this world became the more real, my old life merely a shadow, but now I feel it again.
Its strange, because although I have friends here, and I have commitments etc etc, and all things that make up a "life" its distinct seperation from my old life back in Manchester makes this seem false somehow. I've begun wondering, how many of the people I am "friends" with here will actually keep in touch with me when I leave. Its only been a year but already people who I was a lot closer to last year have become distant, non-existant even. People now, who I barely know, have become the people I see the most, or rather the people who see me the most for a better mark of friendship isn't necessarily who you spend time with, but who choses to spend time with you.
I've been left with the feeling as though this is merely a temporary reality, a holiday from my actual life, with people and places which I interact with only on an equally temporary level. As though next year when this is all said and done I will have to return to my actual life, be it back in Manchester or elsewhere, the life that I will then lead for the next 50 or so years, health permitting.
I can't return to my old life, that shadow is well and truely gone. Everyone else has moved on, and even the sets have changed, but if this life is also only temporary what am I to do when it finishes?
I suppose it may be said that its actually the nature of life to be temporary and fleeting, a series of experiences, sometimes intimately linked, others barely recognisable for their connection. I float along through life, interacting with people and the world around me, in however much a lasting way, only to move on to the next set of experiences, the next landscape, the next group of people. This situation seems to be unavoidable, although it does leave me constantly on the move. Perhaps its not that this life is a dream, that I'm waiting for reality to begin, its simply the way of life, like a big ocean of experience which we're all bound to drift though. In which case I need an anchor, to chain me to reality, to stop me floating away. Something permanent and lasting that I can rely on regardless of the changing tides.
I had that, I threw it away, now I'm adrift.