February 15, 2007

Outlet

Blogging during the day time isn’t normal for me. Normally its 3am, I’m still awake for some unknown reason and my emotions are running high enough to push whatever has been spinning inside my brain out into the world of the blog…

Today seems to have resulted in such without the need for midnight brain states, guess my emotions are just running generally higher at the moment, that’s probably not good but oh well. I need an outlet, for so many reasons, but that’s the only reason I ever blog. An outlet first of all for whatever is spinning around inside my head, some way of getting it out into the open so I can look at it in contrast to the rest of the world with that “Ohhh…that’s what it is” sort of feeling. That’s what this blog is for, as they all are, but as well as being an outlet itself it’s to express a further need to expend my various energies. Is expend a word? Well it is now, that’s the way language works so there.

I miss sixth form. I’ve thought this a lot during my time at here at Warwick. I mean don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t give up some of the people and some of the experiences I’ve had here for anything, and I much prefer the person I am now compared to who I was when I first arrived years ago, but despite all this I can’t deny that “the best years of my life” haven’t been here, they were back then. I thought about this when I was at sixth form actually, since I was so much happier then than I had been at high school, but it definitely wasn’t just that stark comparison that made it such a great place to be. I said I preferred myself now to the me I was then, this is true, but there are some aspects I miss. When I was in sixth form I literally wore whatever the hell I wanted, I genuinely didn’t care what people thought of me, I wish that was the case now but I know for a fact I wouldn’t wear half the clothes I had back then around campus now. More than just that though I actually did something with my time back then, I’d stay up until 3am making jewellery for people and still get up at 6:30am for a full day in college, I’d buy from sales and charity shops and sit and detail my own clothes, I’d spend my free periods sat in the library doing the reading for my classes or essays, and you know they really don’t lie to you about getting more out of it if you do the work before hand. Most of all I had her, but there’s nothing I can do about that now.

There’s a facebook group “University is making me stupider”, no its not, University is making you lazier, it certainly is me. I sleep so much more here than I ever did back then because my subconscious knows I don’t have anywhere I have to be. Lectures yes are supposedly manditory, but no-one really treats them as such, especially when you can just get the notes of the internet or something. There is so much I could be spending my time on, so much I could fit into my days here if I wanted to, so much more I could have gotten out of the three year’s I’ve spent up here in the land of Warwick. People complain about not having enough time in the day to get everything done, I am one of the worst people for doing it, well its really not true. If I actually got up in the mornings and got on with things I’d easily get everything I need to done as well as a lot of the things I just want to. This is why I’ve ended up feeling like this. I have all this creative energy buzzing around me, all this stuff I want to be doing, but instead I just procrastinate on facebook.

So despite it being way past New Year, here is my list of things I want to start doing again, so that hopefully I can feel more like I’m doing something with my life beyond just staying physically alive.

Learn to play my guitar, properly not just a couple of songs; learn to sing, I love singing but I don’t have the confidence to really do so in public or at the top of my lungs, I want to get that somewhere; start making jewellery again, it used to take me hours just to get the tiniest things done, but it was always so worth it in the end; Learn to sew, or at least start adding things to my clothes again, to make them mine and to make them more interesting than they are at the moment; start drawing again, rekindle my love of art that AS level Art stripped from me; go to the theatre more, I miss going to see random plays and there are so many productions here that are so worth going to see; read more, I don’t mean my course books here, although that will be in the list, I used to devour books but I haven’t read a non-philosophy book in so many years now, it actually makes me sad; actually start reading my philosophy books and putting the work into my course, I love philosophy, that’s the reason I took it to degree level, but I’ve spent the last 3 years coasting and I get so much more out of it when I do actually work. I think that’s about it.

The list is there more for me than for anyone else, like I said just an outlet to get it all out into the open and try to slap myself out of this pit of laziness and apathy I’ve fallen gradually into across the last three years. Maybe it’s an effect of the ‘Real World’ looming dangerously on the horizon, but whatever the reason life is passing me by and I’m sick of procrastinating my way through it. That is all.


October 26, 2006

Discontentment

Haven’t blogged for over 7 months, re-reading my old entries I wonder if that’s because for the large part I’ve been too contented to think, or perhaps just too busy to muse on an issue to the extent of publishing it for all the web to see. Even now I’m reluctant to start blogging again because the only times I do so is when there’s something playing on my mind, something I need to work through, and often the only way for me to do that is to externalise it, in a vain attempt to get outside of my own head. The thing is blogging isn’t just externalising it its putting it out there in such an distastefully exhibitionist way, giving everyone access to the trivial wanderings of my brain when no one actually cares, but then I guess they don’t have to read it if they don’t want to…

Alternatively I suppose I could write a personal blog, although the point in that seems to defeat me. A blog that only you can see? Why not just use a pen and paper, or write yourself a word document or something? Maybe I’m missing something but I just fail to see the point of a personal blog. University only (or University and Alumni which I just noticed was an option) I understand, there might be things you want to express of yourself within the Warwick Bubble, including your Warwick Blog, which you don’t want the rest of the world to know about, but writing a blog that no-one else will ever see? The entire point of a blog is that its attention seeking, even if you don’t specifically want people to read it the whole point in writing it is that people might read it and can then comment on your opinions etc. If you’re the only person who’s ever going to be able to read it what is the point in publishing it on the World Wide Web at all?

I suppose just the writing of it can be cathartic, in fact I don’t just suppose I factually know that expressing your inner most thoughts in any kind of physical way can be cathartic, just to get it out in the open in some form can help clear through the chaos…maybe that’s just me. And I guess having your own personal blog here to re-read over is helpful, like finding an old diary from when you were younger and marvelling at how self obsessed/self depreciating/ridiculous you were, an e-diary as it were. Actually thinking about it I do understand personal blog entries, it is exactly like having a diary with a lock on it, the way so many of us did as children/early teenagers, the girls certainly. I can’t make this a personal entry though, if I want to write to myself I’ll get an actual diary, there’s no point in blogging for me if it doesn’t indulge my inner exhibitionist.

I seem to have gone completely off the topic I had in mind when I first started typing, ranting instead about whether or not to rant, ridiculous. The grass is always greener, that seems to just about sum up a large aspect of my personality, an aspect I don’t particularly like. I’m never satisfied, there’s always something else that I want that’s on the other side, yet I know if I ever get there what I had will look better, with hind sight. Yet in contrast I’ll settle for whatever I can get, in many respects, out of fear of nothing, that being fear of there being nothing at all, rather than there being nothing I’m afraid of. I’ll lie down and let people walk all over me and put up with things for fear of losing what I actually have, even though it may not be what I want. I live my life like a supermarket queuing system, trying to pick the fastest queue, the best one, trying to decide whether to jump into another one but wanting to do so without losing my place in the one I’m in just in case it turns out I was right to begin with. Strategising myself into settling, all the while longing for that perfect grass just over the horizon.

It really is ridiculous that I can be completely happy with what I’ve got, until I see someone else has something better, or at least something I think is better, and my eyes turn as green as that perfect grass. Yet the problem is, when I do control myself, force myself to be happy with what I’ve got and who I am I still end up with this niggling question of whether I am compromising, and whether I could in fact do better, be better, if only I didn’t settle, if only I’d tried harder, been more patient and so on. The more I think about it all the more it really does feel like queuing at the supermarket, I suppose it doesn’t really matter in the end you’re still going to pay the same and leave, whether you’re out 5 minutes earlier makes very little difference. I wonder how that reflects; I suppose regardless of what actually happens time will move on to an eventual and certain conclusion, perhaps I just need to learn to be contented where I am.


March 14, 2006

Reality…

Haven't blogged for a while, tis about time I did…

I've been left thinking a lot recently on various different topics, as is usually the way, and I've wanted to blog them, but its normally late at night and so I get tired, or distracted, and never get round to formalising them here… I'm sure there were too many commas in that sentence.

Anyway, something that has been on my mind recently is the nature of my reality here, or rather the lack there of. Its strange, and I think a consequence of 'the bubble' although I don't live there anymore I certainly spend enough time there to feel its effects! Since I came to this uni I've felt as though this life is very much a completely distinct and seperate world from my life back home, my actual life. This feeling did disappear towards the end of last year and in the first term of this, when although remaining seperate this world became the more real, my old life merely a shadow, but now I feel it again.

Its strange, because although I have friends here, and I have commitments etc etc, and all things that make up a "life" its distinct seperation from my old life back in Manchester makes this seem false somehow. I've begun wondering, how many of the people I am "friends" with here will actually keep in touch with me when I leave. Its only been a year but already people who I was a lot closer to last year have become distant, non-existant even. People now, who I barely know, have become the people I see the most, or rather the people who see me the most for a better mark of friendship isn't necessarily who you spend time with, but who choses to spend time with you.

I've been left with the feeling as though this is merely a temporary reality, a holiday from my actual life, with people and places which I interact with only on an equally temporary level. As though next year when this is all said and done I will have to return to my actual life, be it back in Manchester or elsewhere, the life that I will then lead for the next 50 or so years, health permitting.

I can't return to my old life, that shadow is well and truely gone. Everyone else has moved on, and even the sets have changed, but if this life is also only temporary what am I to do when it finishes?

I suppose it may be said that its actually the nature of life to be temporary and fleeting, a series of experiences, sometimes intimately linked, others barely recognisable for their connection. I float along through life, interacting with people and the world around me, in however much a lasting way, only to move on to the next set of experiences, the next landscape, the next group of people. This situation seems to be unavoidable, although it does leave me constantly on the move. Perhaps its not that this life is a dream, that I'm waiting for reality to begin, its simply the way of life, like a big ocean of experience which we're all bound to drift though. In which case I need an anchor, to chain me to reality, to stop me floating away. Something permanent and lasting that I can rely on regardless of the changing tides.

I had that, I threw it away, now I'm adrift.


January 30, 2006

Changes

I think its interesting how much I've changed since coming to uni, interesting to me I mean, doubtfully interesting to anyone else but hell it's my blog and I'll write I want on it…

It was definately one of the most contributing factors that lead to the end of my relationship, how much we both changed since going to uni, and the distance that then grew between us. For one, most people would barely believe now that I used to be shy, introverted, pretty much everyone's doormat, and I mean in a way that's still the case but I am most definately a lot more confident and a lot louder than I used to be, mostly thanks/due to RAG. So would see this as a bad change, she did, personally I think it's both good and bad in different ways…but there you go…

There's one specific change that I've been thinking about recently, which I suspect links in again with my seperation from her in the way that almost everything seemingly does. In my time before coming to uni, the two years I spent at my 6th form and the gap year following I again changed a lot, largely due to her influence as well as many others, and probably also following my 'coming out' as it were, and the various reactions I got from friends and family etc. The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler was one of my favourite books, and everytime I read it I felt fired up and inspired to try to make a difference and stop violence against women etc. I couldn't wait to come to uni and hopefully get involved in a production of it, or even start one if needs be. On top of that I was really looking forward to getting involved in WarwickPride, to go on Pride socials and meet up with other like minded people, who liked the same books, films, music I did, or even if not felt the same way I did about wanting to change the world. I wanted to stand up and campaign against homophobia and legislature such as Section 28 and for same sex marriage. I used to visit the Stonewall website to find out what was going on, and in the months before coming to uni I even began visiting the WarwickPride website in the hopes of finding out more about how I could get involved and maybe finding a forum I could post on and get to know current members and others who would soon be at Warwick.

Yet 2 and a half years later, and nearly half way exactly through my academic time at Warwick and, Glitter Ball's and start of year Welcome Buffet's aside, I've yet to actually attend a single Pride social. Actually thats a lie, I managed to go to one back in my first term last year, we went to the Oriental Star in Leam and then to Oxygen, but that is it. I even put down my intention to join Pride on my accommodation application for God's sake, in an attempt to ensure that I didn't get put with anyone potentially homophobic and that I would hopefully get put with other 'gays' (although thinking about it now how Warwick Accommodation would know someone is homophobic seems somewhat dubious, as I doubt anyone would write that on their application!).

When I went round the fresher's fair in my first few formative weeks here, I gave my email to so many societies, half of which was purely to get them to leave me alone, but some I actually thought I might be interested in. WASS was one of those societies, yet after almost an entire year on their mailing list I never felt inspired to join, and generally just deleted the emails without even reading them. Even this year I've been promising myself I'd get involved in Pride, start going to the socials more regularly, by which I mean at all, run for an exec position, and hopefully get a chance to, as originally intended, make a difference, but now it all seems a bit too late.

Now anyone who knows me knows that its not as though the Warwick Apathy so many complain of hasn't exactly got me completely. After being guilted into going on the RAG Dublin hitch back in my first ever term, I'm now intending to run for RAG President following a year as raid co-ordinator. RAG is my life now, it has completely taken over, largely because I've let it, and I'm even thinking now of pursuing charity organisation into a career when I finally finish here (since lets face it, what am I really going to do with a Philosophy degree). It's an amazing society, filled with people who are so accepting and have so much fun, and yet ultimately do it all for charity, to raise money for people who really need it, and I guess actually 'make a difference' to people's lives. If I'm really honest too, it's largely my commitment to RAG's fault that I haven't found the time to get involved with Pride, because I'm always busy with some other "RAG stuff". Yet I can't seem to shake the feeling that if I really wanted to I would find the time to get involved in other societies, i.e. Pride, the way I've intended too since before I even started here. So why haven't I?

For one I feel the fact that then I had a girlfriend, and now I don't is probably a contributing factor to my renewed desire to actually bloody get myself to a social, but I wouldn't say that's the reason I never got involved at all, since I clearly wasn't out to get involved originally to get myself laid! I wonder whether it is perhaps the Warwick Apathy that's gotten to me, or the 'Bubble Effect' which causes me to forget the real world thanks to the safety and accepting nature of campus. I wouldn't think twice about being openly affectionate with another girl in the piazza, or even in Leam, yet back home I certainly still would, and I live in Manchester for God's sake! I swear there's something in the water round those parts, so many people I know from there have come out, and I even know people who go there to uni and come back gay! Yet despite being out to my parents and my friends, and generally comfortable to be with my girlfriend in public, everytime I go back to work there I go back into the closet, even to the point of telling my co-workers, in the place I spent my gap year, that I had a 'boy'friend. Why? I shouldn't have to do that! Chances are I probably don't have to do that, that it's just me being neurotic and they'd probably be fine if I did 'come out', but then there's also a chance they wouldn't be, and I wonder whether I'll do the same thing and how long I'll try to keep the charade up when I do leave the bubble and have to make my way out there in the 'Real World'

I've become so cynical and jaded since coming to uni, and in a way I suppose that's a not such a bad thing, but in others it really is. I've lost a lot of my child like innocence, naiviety and enthusiasim. I hear about and read about the campaigning efforts of Pride and WASS now-a-days, and instead of feeling inspired to join in half the time I just feel sarcastic and snipey, like what they're doing doesn't really matter, when it really does! I need to overcome this cynical, sarcastic person I've become, fitting as she seems to be to the nature of my degree, my friends, and my general life here at Warwick. I need to regain some of that child like innocence and actually try to get involved before it really is too late.


January 28, 2006

Reflections on the Glitter Ball

So, the Glitter Ball 2006 was amazing, well done to WASS and Pride who organised it, great fun was seemingly had by all and I even managed to stick to my resolution to stay sober following last years debauchery…although I still didn't have the damn guts to do something I promised myself and about half my friends I would do tonight and actually go a talk to a certain someone. I'm lame, I know this now.

But yeah, aside from my blatant lameness, it rocked, everyone there looked amazing, Jen Lexmond who played guitar and sang was absolutely stunning and you should all go see her play/sing if ever you get the chance (I think she said she's playing Kelsey's next Friday the 3rd for any Leamingtonians reading this), and all in all it was fantabulous! And I have to say, it feels so good to know I won't wake up with a hang over tomorrow morning!!!


January 24, 2006

Right then…

Right then, I signed up for this damn attention seeking public diary style "here are my thoughts please comment on them" thing for a reason so I've decided to stop being so rubbish and scared and actually damn well start blogging!

See, thats the thing, it sounds weird to say but I think I can happily admit I was scared to blog. Not because I've become blog-phobic, although I'm sure one more neuroticism wouldn't make much difference, just give my future therapist more to deal with, but because I'm so damn self conscious and scared of what other people think of me!

This relates to something I read and commented on another blog which got me thinking to how I am so restrained by what people might think of me. Now this isn't to say I'm false in anyway, at least I seriously hope that I'm not! I don't think I ever act in a way which isn't who I am, the problem is there are so many different shades to who I am, and I do tend to analyse every situation I'm in to figure out which "Becca" I should be today. This obviously can cause some problems and mini-crisises of self when I'm put in a situation with conflicting variables, people who know me one way, and others who know me another. This is also the reason I haven't been able to blog.

You see, its easy to show different sides of your personality for every situation you're in, as long as you can correctly interpret what is expected/required of you with each person, and in a way it relates very closely to my damned need to keep everybody happy at all times to the expense of my own needs or wants. But blogging? Who would I be? With potentially anyone else in the entire world able to read whatever I chose to write I had no way of knowing how to start! I could write about my many and varied and normally drunken exploits with RAG, or philosophise on what I thought of, or how I was struggling through my degree. If I was writing late at night chances are whatever I tried to write it would come out melodramtic, dark and cynical, and if written in the last few months would be highly likely to contain something on her, and the continuing collapse of my emotional state since the break up (see its only 20:23 and the melodrama's already setting in!).

Then there's the attention seeking nature of it all vs my fear of being judged. Obviously, in writing a blog, I'm writing it so that others can pass comments on my thoughts, so that they can give responses and discussions can be forged, yet at the same time this sits uncomfortably with me. Being of the insecure paranoid nature I am there's always the worry, re: above not knowing how to act that the judgement won't be a good one. If I write a truely open and honest blog anyone could read it and change or form their opinion of me on the basis of what I write, if I do open my inner most thoughts up for public scrutiny I am leaving myself incredibly vunerable to attack…not a sensible position for a neurotic such as myself to put herself in!

You need only look at my first ever blog entry for evidence of this blogging fear. What I wrote originally I do have saved on my computer incase I changed my mind again and decided to restore it, but I doubt I ever will. It was such a happy, fluffy "this is my first blog entry" that the more cynical jaded side of me felt the need to destroy it upon later re-reading, why; fear of judgement. See thats the thing with this blogging malarky*, there's so many different ways it can be taken. I could try to be witty, dark and sardonical, but then chances are I wouldn't succeed and I'd just end up looking daft. Same thing if I try to seem cultured or intelligent in anyway. See, I'm very good at blagging my way through something, pretending to know more than I do, if I'm actually in that situation. When it really comes down to it though I invariably know much less than I ever make out, that or maybe I know more than I think I do and thats just my lack of confidence showing…

Anyway…this is it, me. Pretty much brain to blog, a straight flow of consciousness laid out for everyone and anyone to read. Of course I wouldn't be so seemingly arrogant to suggest that anyone is actually going to be bothered to read all this, and chances are in fact very few people will, although then again that could just be my self-deprecating nature taking over again.

Lets see how long it is until I delete this entry shall we…

*a word which is by far under used in this day and age!


November 30, 2005

Essay Death

5:20am and still writing my most recent attempt at a Philosophy of Thought and Language essay…seemed like a bloggable event…

I wish I wasn't here now…


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