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May 28, 2007

The City of Peace and Reconciliation.

I had to get a replacement bus from Northampton to get back from Bedford at the weekend because of engineering works.

Bus went through Rugby where I saw an angling supply shop called (wait for it) Rugby Tackle. Nice to have a logical punning name. 

I also noticed that Coventry has Welcome to Coventry signs coming into the city which say 'Welcome to Coventry - Home of Coventry University' this is useful as sometimes that sort of thing can be confusing, and it is also a nice big fuck you to Warwick Uni. 

The sings also say that Coventry is the 'City of Peace and Reconciliation'. - Nice to be the City of Peace and reconciliation - better than Ghost Town.  


May 21, 2007

Hey guys, I've been to the future.

And in the future I saw the six o’clock news. This was the top story:

“It’s been just over one year and two weeks since the now five-year old Madeleine McCann was abducted from a holiday resort in Algarve.

Portugeuse police insist they are making progress with the case, despite media speculation that they are no closer to finding Madeleine than they were when she first went missing.

Detectives looking into Madeleine’s disappearance have complained that the case is being hampered by the fact that they are obliged to stop for a minute’s silence to think about Madeleine, once every ten minutes. However, these claims have been dismissed by many as ‘callous’, and just more excuses from an inept and incompetent police force.

Meanwhile, Madeleine’s grieving parents, Gerry and Kate, move into a permanent residence in Portugal today. The magnificent golden palace, paid for by the Madeleine Fund, will be their home indefinitely while they await their daughter’s safe return.

Back home, the reward for finding Madeleine has soared to an amazing 10 billion pounds, with literally hundreds of celebrities donating money to the cause. Recent celebrities to offer reward money include TV chef Ainsley Harriot, ex-tennis player turned gameshow host Tim Henman, and the Chuckle Brothers.”

The other news items were a bit less interesting and important, but I think they were vaguely something like this.

“Hundreds die as suicide bombers target newly renovated precinct in Baghdad”

“No survivors in Bolivian aircrash”

“Crime soars in Portugal, as every available police officer is drafted onto the Madeleine case”

And:

“Shares for flower companies at an all time high, thought to be a result of the public’s insistence on leaving flowers for Madeleine on every public monument in Britain until she’s found”


May 15, 2007

10 band names that are a better name for a band than Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fly.

1. Get Cape, Wear Cape, Cry
2. Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fuck Off and Die
3. Get Cape, Wear Cape, ????, PROFIT
4. Get Cape, Wear Cape, Bum Rape
5. Get Cape, Wear Cape, Run Around Going “Look At Me, I’m Wearing a Cape!”
6. Get Cape, Wear Cape, Get Your Head Kicked In By Skinheads
7. Get Cape, Wear Cape Once, Put Cape In Wardrobe and Forget All About It.
8. Get Cape, Wear Cap, Presumably If They Think You’re Crazy Enough To Wear a Cape, They Won’t Suspect That You’re Actually Deeply Unhappy With Your Life.
9. Get Cape, Wear Cape, Play Boring and Deriviative Music
10. Anal Cunt


May 09, 2007

Werner Herzog Eats his Shoe

In the late seventies Herzog bet Errol Morris if Morris ever made a documentary Herzog would eat his shoe. Errol Morris is now one of the most famous documentary makers alive. So Herzog ate his shoe.

Best bit – when Herzog explains he jumped into a cactus after one of the little people from Even Dwarfs Started Small got run over and set on fire and Herzog wanted to show he had some understanding of the problems little people faced in the world.

Some how what should be one of the most ridiculous things ever manages to be quite profound.


April 30, 2007

More (slightly less) topical bitting political satire

Continuing the theme of 80's action stars and international presidental lookalikes, it appears the president of Ecuador, who claims to called Rafael Correa, is actualy Jan Michael Vincent off of Air Wolf.

Jan Michael VincentPresident of Ecuador        

To be honest, they dont look that similar.

Rafael Correa does look exactly like Kyle Chandler off of Friday Night Lights:

Kyle Chandler

Check out Friday Night Lights. Its good. The President of Ecuador is particularly good as the coach. I am teh Funny. 


April 28, 2007

Hello… My Name is Bjork

Bjork seems mental. But then i dont think i would come off much more sane if someone stuck a camera in my face and asked me to explain myself. In a language which is not my first. If i was in a multicolour feather duster suit. And wearing make up which made me look like the exorcist demon on acid.


April 26, 2007

Kirsten Dunst

I used to like Kirsten Dunst.

Then she proved she was an idiot by going out with Johnny Borrell from Razorlight. Before she went out with Johnny Borrell I would probably have read this article and thought i quite like Kirsten Dunst, she seems normal and not an idiot. Now everything she says is undermined by the fact she is going out with Johnny Borrell. From Razorlight.

Example:

It's hard to grow up in this industry, and some people work out how to do it quicker than others. But yeah, it probably has made me a stronger person - I have a very good bullshitometer."

-  You're going out with Johnny Borrell from Razorlight.


         

Apparently at the Spiderman premiere she said this:

"We don't have a Bob Dylan, where are all the great writers? We don't have enough new great talent.

"I was brought up on Guns 'N Roses, the Les Miserables soundtrack and anything my mother listened to. But it's much harder to find great music these days."

I don't know how to describe the levels of irony involved in a person going out with Johnny Borrell from Razorlight, saying those those words, and then saying they have a good bullshitometer.

Dunst saying stuff has come from nowhere to challenge Ben Elton's Get a Grip in the unintentionally hilarious brilliance stakes.


April 22, 2007

Martin Jol

Homer + Soprano = Jol



April 20, 2007

I went to the cemetery

The weather was nice yesterday, so I went for a bit of a cycle about and found myself at Canley Cemetery. I liked it because it was quiet and well-maintained. I did notice that a lot gravestones now use the expression that the deceased has 'fallen asleep', which I suppose is probably a comforting euphemism, although to a naive person it might seem that the cemetery is actually just full of very lazy people.

cemetery1cemetery2


April 19, 2007

Jokes

- My Dog has no nose and no legs. So it is forced to lie in a pool of its own filth. Unable to crawl away all it can do is lie wimpering, with fur matted by its own dirt and the pus running from open sores.  

- How does its smell?

- Terrible. 


April 17, 2007

Why–fe Swap

The central premise of that popular and enduring television piece Wife Swap is to take two families, as wildly differing as possible, and swap the wives around, with hysterical results. I think by now even channel 4 has stopped pretending that it is supposed to be a social experiment, and we can all safely agree that Wife Swap amounts to nothing more than a gleefuly exploitative slice of voyeuristic entertainment where we can watch mad people lead a merry dance down a path that leads inexorably to a hilariously explosive confrontation.

That much is true enough, and whilst the mainstay of Wife Swap has always been to pit gobby proles against posh spazzes with predictable outcomes, they do occasionally get a bit more creative. This week we had hardline muslims vs. a modern liberal family. The other week it was Paul Daniels vs. Vanessa Feltz. Presumably at some point in the future it would be a real coup if they could swap two families where the son of one has previously murdered the son of the other.

Nevertheless, no matter how seemingly disparate in appearance, ideology and level of intelligence all the families that appear on Wife Swap appear to be, they are all actually united under one common banner – they are all familiies who would agree to go on Wife Swap.

That is, in contrast to the many thousands of families in Britain who would refuse on the grounds of ethics and good taste to let their homes be invaded by Television, all families that appear on Wife Swap are fundamentally similar in that they must all possess some distinct quality that compels them to pursue their glorious fifteen minutes, at any cost. This quality must be, I think, a combination of narcissism, a desperation for acknowledgment, and a complete absence of self-awareness, with the latter being the crucial ingredient. For surely, all families on Wife Swap ultimately reveal themselves in some way to be, at best dysfunctional, and at worse utterly mad. Yet, if any of them knew themselves to be so, you would expect they wouldn’t volunteer to put themselves on display for the amusement of the nation.

The most distressing thing I find about Wife Swap though, is not the lack of judgement displayed by these horrifying families in agreeing to let the film crews document their madness, but rather the plight of the children who, presumably without giving their own consent, are forced to appear before the cameras, and then live with the consequences.

I’m not so far past my school days that I don’t remember what kids are like, and I know this for a fact – for the poor children of Wife Swap, post-broadcast, anything they say in front of their peers, no matter how intelligent or witty, can always be trumped by the simple response ‘yeah, but your mum was a right slag on Wife Swap.’ And cruel kids have long memories.

Isn’t there some sort of government legislation that can protect children from their fame-hungry parents? Does forcing your unwitting kids to appear on a television programme that deals in intentionally manufacturing conflict not amount to child abuse? Alls I know is that it’s probably going to be my tax dollars that end up doing the funding when The Children of Wife Swap support groups start cropping up all over the country. I suppose that’ll be the price we have to pay for entertaining television of such a hideously compulsive nature.


April 13, 2007

Marching Bands

I like marching bands. There is a great bit Dave Chappelle’s Block party where the Marching Band plays Jesus Walks. This is better:


Crocodiles 1 – Man 0(or 1?)

This is an awesome picture
and the story suggests crocodiles are FREAKING BULLETPROOF!!!. Can they get any more awesome?

It bit his arm off, so points to the crocodile, but then we reattached it, so which species wins? i suppose it is still in a zoo…


More Things I Like

This Song:


Is the new Bjork Track.
I also like this picture:
And These People’s clothes changing magic: (This clip is so awesome it gets over the major handicap of featuring pierce morgans’s (he doesn’t deserve his name spelled right) face.)

Also I like this website:
www.hypem.com
Is very helpful.

And Tony Jaa:


He is the business. This is the central set piece from The Warrior King. It is more nuts than Ong Bak. S’good. He kicks the light out of a street light. And fights an army of extreme sports people, and knees people through walls.

April 11, 2007

First Against the Wall

I quite like lists, because I am a nerdy middle class white male.

Here is the list of people I will always hate, regardless of what they may or may not do in the future. I was gonna say this was the list of the only people I will happily use a very rude word about, but that seemed childish. I wont explain each choice, the reasons should be fairly obvious, though I can give a justificatory diatribe on each of them if pressed (it wont take much pressing).

My List is (in alphabetical order):

Patrick Kielty

Oliver Letwin

Gillian McKeith

Pierce Morgan

Cristiano Ronaldo

               Anyone got a better list?


April 05, 2007

Proof

Chuck Norris

see? 

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad                          Chuck Norris


April 04, 2007

Topical Observational Comedy

Does anyone else think President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad looks a bit like Chuck Norris?

April 01, 2007

Elitist BBC

Writing about web page http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,,2047513,00.html

At first I assumed THIS was rather obviously a rubbish April Fools. Now I’m not sure. The dripping irony of the lead in is not backed up by the rest of the text. So maybe its not.

Maybe i just thought that because last night I watched, for various reasons, the Andrew Lloyd-Webber advert Who Wants to Be Joseph on Number 1 and then the 50 Most Annoying Songs on BBC3.

Annoying Songs was very strange. Firstly only Andrew Collins and the one out of Run DMC who isnt Reverend Run or Jam Master Jay was talking any sense and not just saying X is “just the most annoying song ever written”, “I bet even Y is sick of that song – and they wrote it!”, and “the army could use Z as a torture device in Guantanamo Bay, just playing it to the prisoners would make them talk” (Each of those was actually said about every ten minutes), even when the only thing wrong with the song was just that the singer was a bit of a nob, or the song has been very successful and overplayed. It was like the contributors knew what was said on this kind of rubbish talking heads chart rundown and were simply repeating it, often with no actual reference to the song in question, suggesting that they simply recited a list of generic comments which the producers then edited together.

I began watching this thing when channel hopping during a advert break in About Schmitt; I was gonna watch Memories of Murder on BBC4 but missed the start as i got sucked into this chart thing because it occured to me (specifically during the section on Alanis Morrisette – when some guy tried to define Irony and got it wrong) that perhaps 50 Most Annoying Songs was intended as an ironic statement on the formulaic talking heads chart rundown program. I am still not certain.
BBC3 is after all “aimed at a sophisticated twentysomething audience”.


March 24, 2007

Awesome Hair.

I just found this photo of Roman Abramovich’s first wedding in 1987.
Awesome Abramovich Hair.

Yeah! His hair doubles the size of his head. I think he looks not unlike how James McAvoy would look wearing a crash helmet


March 20, 2007

They Want to Kill It– But its Cute!! The Bastards!!

Writing about web page http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=443343&in_page_id=1811&ico=Homepage&icl=TabModule&icc=picbox&ct=5

‘Awww, look at it frolicking, arent animal rights people stuuupid.’

I say kill the bastard while we still can! It will grow up to become one of natures most savage killing machines!!

PS. at the current count 86 people have felt the need to comment on this story on the Daily Mail site. They all agree with the Daily Mail.


March 17, 2007

The Secret

They must be right. Is science innit. Dudes got some original insights. And awesome hair.

Apparently these two dudes are ‘Secret teachers’. They are revealing the secret knowledge known by successful people throughout history, but not by losers like you or me. This is true check it out:


That is the only reason Bach and Einstein were successful and i’m not. If i buy this dvd about psitive thinking i will be successful like them.

This is not some fringe internet bollocks. Apparently this is massive in America. Has been on Oprah and Ellen and all that. I suppose they’re not hurting anyone.


March 16, 2007

Randoms

i am irritated by people who use the word 'random' when they mean a stranger. Even worse is 'randoms' when  they mean strangers. I like the evolution of language. But that is stupid. And it implies some crazy eccentricity in having anything to do with people you dont know. Theyre not random you just dont know them. That is all.

March 12, 2007

Homoerotica for Jesus

Godmen are a Christian group for real men who dont like the faggy normal Christianity. A report about them on the Today program woke me up this morning. one dude said he loved jesus, but he didnt want him as a lover, because he is another man.

Their Slogan is WHEN FAITH GETS DANGEROUS!!
(FUCK YEAH!!!)

Check out this badass video.

“The Number One issue which doesnt seem to be addressed in churches is how men connect to men”

Godmen – “where men can be fully men, raw, uninhibited, completely free to express themselves in the unique male way that only men understand.”

That sounds a bit gay to me, but you can tell they arent faggy at all because they have wailing guitars.


March 03, 2007

Yay! Conservapedia!!

Conservapedia is here. Providing a conservative alternative to the bias of wikipedia. Run away from the liberal lies !!!

Surely it would be better to simply edit wikipedia to be less liberal. 

Possibly the jew bankers who rule the world are preventing this from happening. Damn their jewish eyes. (Do Jews have eyes? ) 


Favourite McSweeney

Musical
Numbers From
Fight Club!
The Musical
.

BY MICHAEL SCHULMAN AND ALLYSHA POWANDA

- - - -

"Bob Had Bitch Tits"

"Marla's Lament"

"His Name Was Tyler Durden, Durden"

"You Can't Talk About Fight Club ... but You Can Sing About Fight Club!"

"Our Soapy Paradise"

"(Haven't Been Fucked Like That Since) Grade School"

"The Project Mayhem Tango"

"Bob Had Bitch Tits" (reprise)

"Just the One of Us"

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/2MichaelSchulmanandAllyshaPowanda.html