The Jules and Lulu Show
The Jules and Lulu Show is a curious programme that ITV put out sometimes around 4am, and also quite likely the single most terrifying thing you could possibly watch while under the effects of a hallucinogenic drug.
Jules is a very gay man who is either on speed, or has something wrong with his brain chemistry such that it reproduces the effects of speed. Lulu is an odd looking sausage dog that Jules carries around with him like some sort of fashion accessory.
The basic premise is that Jules and Lulu visit the houses of two couples, who clearly have no idea what they’ve let themselves in for, where he engages them in the kind of crude and personal conversation that only really gay people can get away with, whilst the couple look a bit uncomfortable, or in the cases of some of the male partners, mildly angry.
After subjecting them to this, Jules ‘muffs them up’, which is what he calls putting earmuffs and a blindfold on, so he can run round their house, destroying their property. I’m not joking. I think Jules is supposed to have some sort of style-radar, and the items in the couples’ house tend to offend him, so he throws valuable heirlooms around, watches them smash on the floor, looks vaguely guilty for half a second, and then giggles and runs off to do something worse. Meanwhile, Lulu is just sort of wandering about the house, probably pissing as she goes.
Ostensibly the purpose of this wanton destruction is to pick out the ten most awful items from each couples house. Though in some cases, I think it’s just that there’s only ten items left in the house that Jules hasn’t broken in some way
The scene then switches to, for some reason, a field. Each couple is asked to take it in turns to try to guess out of their ten items, which three ones were the ones that Jules thought were the worse. Just to clarify, these aren’t just little household items, like fireplace ornaments and dolls. It’s often stuff like sofas, and TVs. I mention this, because after they’ve each selected an item from their ten, it’s then placed in a big pink crusher-truck (and yes, Jules does make a euphimism about the big pink crusher truck. About five times), and completely destroyed.
The first team to destroy the correct three items, ‘wins’. The losing team get a consolation prize of a golden dog bowl that’s clearly made out of plastic, which is ten times more tasteless than any of the items they’ve just stood by and watch be destroyed. Amazingly, on none of the times I’ve watched the show has the losing couple violently attacked Jules and Lulu, despite the fact that he’s messed up their living room, and made them crush their own bed, wardrobe, sofa and TV.
The winning team on the other hand get the amazing prize of the redecoration of a room in their house (presumably the room Jules ransacked earlier in the episode), though at no point is it entirely clear that the monetary value of the prize is more than the expense of the possessions that have been destoyed. In some cases, it is obvious that the couple have made a loss.
The whole show has a slightly frenetic nightmarish feel to it, and creates a definite sense of unease in me, as if I’ve unwittingly taken some bad drugs, or I’ve had a nervous breakdown but haven’t quite realised yet. This isn’t helped by the obvious low budget of the show, which somehow serves to make it seem all the more horribly real.
Nevertheless, it is quite compulsive once you’ve started watching it. I give seven stars out of ten (stars).
Here is a picture, which probably illustrates what I’ve just said.