August 01, 2006

Back In The Black

Well; its been a while folks….

Anyway if you're reading this i assume you're either A) some uber–disciple of mine who checks this regulary and has continually been disappointed by the lack of updates, one of my 'friends' who has seen my msn name if i do mention it on there once ive finished C) God getting the dirt on me.

From the looks of the last post i haven't used this in several months. I think i must have been in a fit of mental–pique. I can't exactly place what caused this but the New computer desk spoken of was prompted by wine being spilt on and around my laptop whilst i was in a cage of drunken emotion. I think that last entry must have caught me on the downside of the psychological rollercoaster that featured the drunkenness and emotion. I would like to think that i am better now, various mental gears have shifted and whole new synchromeshes of psyche have been achieved. I'm still likely to be up and down like a yo–yo at times, but not so often.

Anyways, i digress. I thin that the primary reason for starting this up again is to give me an output to a potentially wide audience. Be it ranting (god i've missed just going off on one and posting it), hopefully some creative writing, trying to record my life in a way that people actually want to read and i guess i'll figure out the other uses…..

I'm not sure how this thing can work in any real conjuction with Facebook but i'm sure there must be a way.

Things that have gone on in my life since i last posted here are several and mildy deviated. I moved away from rag and tried to concentrate on my degreee. I made a new friend. I took some exams. I became closer to several people without the distraction of society life or its pecking order. I went on canalboat holiday. I visited Pete, and was visited by Emma. I moved out of our 2nd year house and signed a contract for a scrumptious new house in coventry with 2 of the best guys from my first year. I've done quite a lot of drivig, some long, some important, much late at night and most fast. I also acquired broadband.

Now we are in the dark days of the holidays so i see few friends on a regular basis. I await the edinburgh festival, some form of travel with Tash and hopefully some visits to friends or i will die from cabin fever (i made the mistake of looking for a job far too late in to summer and now have none).

This is all for now. Will report again soon, hopefully.


April 02, 2006

Very Scared

I'm scared…

March 19, 2006


Today I had an Interesting experience. Needing a new computer table/unit, I decided that for originality in a conformist way, alleged cheapness and also a new experience, I could do worse than to visit Ikea in Birmingham. Being an engineer the idea of self assembly furniture holds a masochistic thrill for me.

The Ikea Svengali Experience started with a giant car park; up a twisty, turny, hair-pinny hill akin to a tamer version of the mountain entry road to Hitler’s ‘Eagle’s Nest’. On entering the actual building there was a grand staircase and a children’s ballroom were tiny tots either play in tanks of brightly coloured plastic spheres, or are castrated; it was unclear from the outside.

Now the fun bit… Within viewing the first 2 items you will get some strange sense of de ja vu, and the within the next 3 (if you are any god) you will spot that in some Tron style madness Ikea has transplanted you into The Sims…

Its true!

Not only do all the items have silly, often comical such as a ‘Jules’ chair, names but their oddness of design and mostly modular nature is a clear reminder of that time you used the givecash cheat then brought all of the really expensive stuff, only to find that none of it matched. And modular furniture is exactly that, the table will cost you £29 but the legs will set you back an extra £4, and do you want the standard, the triangular prism or the jellybean filled hollow legs?

I got a computer table in the end, a nice single module, and when I get up tomorrow I will demonstrate how a trained engineer can use the Force[Eng]/”The Knack” to make self assembly furniture assemble itself.

March 12, 2006

A Quiet Drink in the Grad…

Recently I and a friend went to The Graduate, the self proclaimed ‘Only pub on campus’. Amongst other things it was to escape the rag sponsored maiming of any kind of music policy at the end of term event (“and cue’d up we have Chesney Hawkes; some Swedish deathmetal; Outkast and if you give us that £10er- the mp3 you made of the sounds of screaming”). Anyway I digress…

The Graduate… picture it: real ale on tap, hand pulled pints, quiz machine lights seductively flashing, luxuriant leather sofas or intimate little tables, easy on the eye colours. Its quite easy to imagine how the tradition of a ‘Quiet one in the grad’ can stretch on for hours, as the participants cares dissolve into the cheery atmosphere.

However our evening was intruded upon by ‘relaxing, mood music’ piped in at a level nearing that of stadium rock. Live bands in the grad is one thing, even competent DJ’s warming up the room before a pub quiz [incidentally Neil Faraday’s Superior Pub Quiz will be there from 8 on Monday night. I am an intellectual fishfingerl], but the bar staff’s choice of music at club levels did absolutely nothing to improve the pub experience. Indeed at several points during the evening I could not actually make out what my companion was saying over the enforced ambience.

Sadly this sort of musical infraction is becoming all too common and quiet taverns are now scarce in any kind of urbanised areas. However, I would be interested to know whether anyone else thinks there is too much of this peaceful drinking eradication on campus at night?

March 03, 2006

The Learning grid

The learning grid is an odd place.

It might or might not be on central campus.

There are stand up internet terminals and invisible Nazis who move things after 30 mins

You are allowed hot drinks near the computers but not hot food.

There are always new friends in here even at 6am. Friends like mr pen and mr desk
It is friendly and warm the sort of place to find bunnies and paedophiles

Pictures on the walls are made of living electronic plastic and light up

Someone is asleep. He is wearing a nasty looking jersy

None of the mice work. Theyv'e all been used by sociologists. And Baal

I want food. Food wants me. We will get married

There are tables on wheels that look like minature alien robots

Ross Kemp designed the learning grid but threw it away for being too wussy. He designed it whilst he was ill and off form

The learning grid made me become 178.2% more effective and i wrote 2253 words that i didnt need to.

I need to go now as the chicken is coming to get me

January 24, 2006


Earlier today, whilst hearing about a female friend and how she’d met this wonderful guy, I came to loathe women temporarily. During this temporary disjointment from normality, I weighed up all the things I had done to try and please the female specie and all I had gotten back, and found girls wanting. Hence I thought it was time the record got set straight and I published an article about how awesome men are….

Well I say article, but that would be just what they’d expect me to do [especially after that last paragraph], so here’s a list of reasons why men kick women’s asses at being ace any day of the week.

Appearance – Men don’t mind if each other look dishevelled, I talk of course of real mean and not cusp of bentness metrosexuals. You can happily be a man meeting up with another man without having to spend 2 hours assembling various animal bi-products on your face to try and escape being real.
Also its safe to meet male friends without having to worry about eyes accidentally being drawn towards shamelessly flaunted parts of your friend’s anatomy.
Commenting truthfully on a man’s appearance is not akin to introducing Mr Blender to Mr Testicle. Mentioning that a guy’s shoe looks odd without a sock will not replace any atmosphere with liquid helium.
The Manphallus 1000 and associated accessory pack may look ugly but they’re a lot simpler and far more comedic to draw than abdominal tentacles or whatever the female equivilent is.

Intimacy – Men can take full on humorous embraces and ironic fondling far better than non-men can even take some light friendly and socially reaffirming hugs. Most men can also freely joke about intimate sexual relations [Mr Samuel Boulby is a sexy beast and a machine in bed, mmmmm. Or You knob men] whilst mention of anything below the neckline to a girl can ruin a conversation faster than an ill timed necrophillia gag.

Ugly factor – men usually don’t mind how non attractive each other are, and will still Talk to each other even if the other is not Sexy McSex or a regular user of Sam’s Muscle Gun 9000.

Arnold Schwartzenegger – Men like Arnie and aren’t afraid of his rippling body and stylish way of brutally kill people and then making flippant punts about their often hideous and gory deaths. Plus they appreciate the artistic quality of him in really small, tight black speedos.

Technology and “geek” – Men aren’t afraid to love technology and appreciate the inner beauty and the appeal of complexity. Double for engineers. Pose yourself the question of “Bugatti Veyron or 2 weeks sexual in the bed of almost any hot female[spits] you can think of?” see how much of a petrol headed, metal loving, man you are…

I will add more when sufficiently distanced from reality again…..

December 13, 2005


[Space laid out for explanation of Sergeant Hairdo stylings and other ranks of infamy ]


December 12, 2005

Dinner Party [Party is never to be used as a verb or i will kill your filthy whoreface)

I recently threw possibly the best dinner party ( 21 person Tocillian Chrismas Dinner excluded), since Lucrezia Borgia had her famous 'Ooops, we're out of cyanide' Banquet in 1537.

Growing from a mere bored speculation over a messaging program into a full half day event in some cases; this roast was epitomy of shabby student style.

Bottle upon bottle of wine was consumed; ranging from posh vino handpicked by an our out-sourced wine conniseur, to chemically recovered vineagar-to-be that caused at least one case of mass stomach heavage.

The tiny and ill prepared student kitchen (not even the size a roots bedroom/cell) issued forth enough fooditems to overfill the table and bring the wood to its straining groaning load capacity. Food included 1 Plump [BRITISH] Hen roasted, handcrafted yorkshires, boiled carrots, streamed sprouts, kilted sausages, both stuffing and gravy created from first principles (Up Yours!: Paxo, Bisto, and James Hughes), oven roasted parsnips and potatos, brocolli in a traditional cheese sauce, mashed potato and the aforementioned oodles of wine.

Lit sexily by and ecclectic mix of ultra modern fibre optics and soft candlelight it was truely a feast to behold aswell as to consume.

I wish all of you could have been invited to share in this pure gourmet cuisine….

Just for the look on your faces when you got to the door and i told you to sod off and eat cat like all the other proles! Ha!

Victory is mine!

December 01, 2005

Theres an angel screwing with my head


November 25, 2005

Requirements – sated?

I Need internet @home. _ Gotten, with bugs

I Need network cable. _ Gotten, with large expenditure

I Need love. _ Tragically not gotten, i want to maim those who do and flanut it in public

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