January 24, 2006

Men

Earlier today, whilst hearing about a female friend and how she’d met this wonderful guy, I came to loathe women temporarily. During this temporary disjointment from normality, I weighed up all the things I had done to try and please the female specie and all I had gotten back, and found girls wanting. Hence I thought it was time the record got set straight and I published an article about how awesome men are….

Well I say article, but that would be just what they’d expect me to do [especially after that last paragraph], so here’s a list of reasons why men kick women’s asses at being ace any day of the week.

Appearance – Men don’t mind if each other look dishevelled, I talk of course of real mean and not cusp of bentness metrosexuals. You can happily be a man meeting up with another man without having to spend 2 hours assembling various animal bi-products on your face to try and escape being real.
Also its safe to meet male friends without having to worry about eyes accidentally being drawn towards shamelessly flaunted parts of your friend’s anatomy.
Commenting truthfully on a man’s appearance is not akin to introducing Mr Blender to Mr Testicle. Mentioning that a guy’s shoe looks odd without a sock will not replace any atmosphere with liquid helium.
The Manphallus 1000 and associated accessory pack may look ugly but they’re a lot simpler and far more comedic to draw than abdominal tentacles or whatever the female equivilent is.

Intimacy – Men can take full on humorous embraces and ironic fondling far better than non-men can even take some light friendly and socially reaffirming hugs. Most men can also freely joke about intimate sexual relations [Mr Samuel Boulby is a sexy beast and a machine in bed, mmmmm. Or You knob men] whilst mention of anything below the neckline to a girl can ruin a conversation faster than an ill timed necrophillia gag.

Ugly factor – men usually don’t mind how non attractive each other are, and will still Talk to each other even if the other is not Sexy McSex or a regular user of Sam’s Muscle Gun 9000.

Arnold Schwartzenegger – Men like Arnie and aren’t afraid of his rippling body and stylish way of brutally kill people and then making flippant punts about their often hideous and gory deaths. Plus they appreciate the artistic quality of him in really small, tight black speedos.

Technology and “geek” – Men aren’t afraid to love technology and appreciate the inner beauty and the appeal of complexity. Double for engineers. Pose yourself the question of “Bugatti Veyron or 2 weeks sexual in the bed of almost any hot female[spits] you can think of?” see how much of a petrol headed, metal loving, man you are…

I will add more when sufficiently distanced from reality again…..


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  1. I agree, particularly with the bit about Sam. But as a woman I shouldn't say that, because I'd get in trouble with the other women (ie lisa and dan)

    24 Jan 2006, 20:42

  2. Wait, necrophillia gags can be poorly timed now? I'm going to have to work on my interview technique some more.

    24 Jan 2006, 22:41

  3. Am I not woman enough to join that list Helen? :)
    Helen and Colin both said what I was going to say, Colin, you're always stealing my necrophillia punchlines!

    Non-man is a good phrase. I am a non-man :)
    Con-man!? I'll stop now.

    25 Jan 2006, 11:27

  4. Why would you be upset about me finding Sam to be a sexy beast miss barton?

    25 Jan 2006, 20:52

  5. Edge of Reason

    It's tricky for boys to grasp (and double for engineers), but girls aren't an equation that needs to be solved, or a formula into which you can input effort and time to get results intimacy and/or sex. Once you get outside the lab you'll realise nothing is linear in reality. It's all single event probability, and so sometimes the wonderful lands in your lap for no reason and sometimes you wade naked through lava for no reward.

    Likewise, if you start with the result in mind and try to reverse-engineer, you'll spend forever wondering why when you're doing all the right things you're not getting the right results. From your posts here you're obviously a sharp and thoughtful guy, so think about your best friend. When you first met them, were you thinking, right, this is someone I'm going to try to be very close with and be friends for years, or did it just happen, because you got on, you liked each other, and you ended up where you are now?

    PS "cusp of bentness metrosexuals"? Best phrase I've read in a blog in months!

    26 Jan 2006, 00:01

  6. Paul Mills

    And then my mum walked in on us. What she was doing in that crypt i'll never know….

    26 Jan 2006, 16:16

  7. Hello Paulus!

    Unfortunately I'm afraid I have to agree with you on most of your above points, although being of the female variety I have also perpetrated many of the horrible crimes on various occasions…

    In our defense however I would like to point out that it isn't entirely our fault…gets up on pseudo-feminist high horse… As non-men we are raised by the media and society in general to conform to the belief that we can't possibly leave the house without some sort of expensive fake-skin mask, and without all possibly attractive assets flaunted. We are taught that that is what men want, and that if we don't want to die poor and lonely surrounded by cats we adhere to these values and mating procedures. Of course this whole situation can also be looked at completely relative to whatever sexuality you chose to define as that day/night/drunken moment in top b…If as a non-man for example you're out to attract other non-men, caring not for the thoughts or intimate sweaty feelings of these strange non-non-men then you might happily meet a group of the latter without fear of naked-face condemnation, however faced with the thought of an accidental encounter with her…

    That aside climbs off horse which is now munching through some past lecture notes in a mildly bored fashion women do suck a fairly large amount of the time I completely agree…

    26 Jan 2006, 18:00

  8. also…I've just discovered that putting things inside asterixs such as this makes them bold in this blogsphere…well there you go…you learn something new everyday…

    26 Jan 2006, 18:02

  9. Oh yeah, I didn't make that connection! I thought you were just naming women of the house! Carry on…

    26 Jan 2006, 20:54

  10. It is a bit irratating that you can't edit your comments though to correct font style errors…that'll teach me not to preview though I suppose.

    26 Jan 2006, 23:28

  11. hmmmm a high horse you say….

    Strokes stubble in a philosophical 27yr old way

    03 Mar 2006, 05:59


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