January 28, 2005

Vandelinde in golf course shocker

Warwick vice chancellor David Landelinde has unveiled controversial new plans to develop a pitch ‘n’ putt style golf course on campus. The course is rumoured to be constructed over the Easter vacation with the first hole being a long par four down the science concourse. Students will be rewarded for playing the course with bachelors of the Sciences and Arts being awarded for breaking 70 and Phd’s for a hole in one on a tricky par three over the Social Studies building. Vandelinde defended his plans saying “most of the time I’m just sitting in my office twiddling my thumbs. This new venture will keep me busy and help me to meet more students as I will require a caddy.” The plans will involve the closure of the Theatre Studies department to enable a Club House to be constructed but Vandelinde said “it is a price I’m willing to pay for a top class course for the students”.

January 27, 2005

Warwick students turns into Daily Mail

Boffins nationwide are still trying to explain the mysterious case of Warwick student Hugo Bell-End. Until last Sunday Hugo was a normal Warwick student quietly making his way through a BSc in Maths. However for nearly a week now Hugo has been unable to voice any opinions other than those printable in the Daily Mail. A close friend admitted "it's very embarassing. Most of his right wing tirades usually take place on public transport." I myself experienced at first hand one of Hugo's diatribes. "I would never go to One World Week," he shouted, "what would I do except go around telling everyone how Britain had conquered or owned their country at some point."

Experts say they don't hold much hope of finding a cure for this terrible disease believed to be richdadandhouseinthehomecountiesitis and say Hugo will have to be isolated. One boffin added "Hugo is already in the isolated bubble of Warwick university and as long as he stays there we won't have to put him down.

October 28, 2004

Watch Out! The devil's on your shoulder

I urge you all to watch out for my friend Tom the next time you are innocently walking home from a lecture at four o'clock determined to get back and put in some quality study hours. Don't be surprised if a shady looking character with holes in the elbows of his coat, a badly kept Tony & Guy hair-do and a slightly mad smirk on his face, comes up on your shoulder and whispers, "The Wink, Woods?". You will be unable to resist and soon be gambling recklessly on the Weakest Link in the union. You will be constantly urged to "bang in another nugget" and advised that "it's about to pay out – you woos" and castigated with the words "it was never Santiago – you split arse". Slowly you will finding yourself walking past the union wondering if it is sad to play the Wink on your own and deciding not. You will find you have a acute pain in the joints of your right index finger from over-zealously touching Anne Robisons hideous face. I warn you look out – the devils on your shoulder (usuallly by the chapel).

October 18, 2004

Fire Drills – A Waste of Time

What's the fucking point in having fire drills? As far as I can see it's just a way of practising getting up and getting dressed quickly. This is something I learnt to do a long time ago. In my opinion the amount of fire drills that the university has is inversely proportional to how seriously people take them. Think about it. At warwick as soon as the alarm sounds people start think "Another fucking fire drill" and don't take it seriously at all. On the other hand if we didn't have any drills, I would think "This isn't normal. It must be the real thing – I'd better get the fuck out of bed right now".

So, to whoever organises the fire drills at Warwick, you're a load of twats! If you wake me up at 7.48am to play your little fire drill games again I will set fire to your house.

Union = Left over meat

A friend of mine from the US recently summed up the union much better than I will ever be able to. So, cheers Chris!

"Nights at the union are like left over meat. You can make things with the meat and call it many different names: meatloaf, sandwiches, a curry, but in the end it's still the same old meat and it tastes like shit!"

Wise words indeed

October 03, 2004

What's Up With Warwick?

Last year I studied abroad in Portugal and despite my general lack of enthusiasm for life at Warwick, I was looking forward to seeing how the campus had improved over the year I had been away. The answer is – it hasn't. It's got worse!

1. I was hoping that in the wake of some pretty cool British indie music over the last year, Warwick students would have woken up to the idea of getting a life and not attending Top Banana or school days. Do you have no pride in yourself? And don't tell me that you don't really like the music and you just go for a laugh. You don't – you all love it because you're lame and you think you have a chance of pulling some equally lame and drunk bird. On the few occasions I have attended these events, I was driven crazy by the music. if you like good music you can't like the union.

p.s. I admit that chikinki were superb – but it's a drop in the ocean.

2. Where the hell am I supposed to watch the champion's league on a Tuesday? I was forced to watch it on a tiny screen in the airport (that's The Bar for my younger readers) with a twat of a DJ pumping out unbelievably shit dance music and inviting us all to "make some noise". I would rather have heard some noise from the commentators mate. Gone are the days of the stadium style situation in the airport which was awesome; comfy seats, no DJ, big screen and commentary.

3. Kaleidoscope changes its name to Cafe Library! One of the worst name changes in history, although The Airport to The Bar is still the worst. This happened between 01/02 and 02/03. With the dumbing down of television and politics, I guess that the University Entertainment and Restaurant Naming Department is following suit and employing a rugby player to name their establishments.

More to follow people. Leave comments if you agree with me. if you don't – go away.

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