I read the story of a cult leader who used to address his followers while under the influence of laughing gas. I was preparing a best man speech at the time and it got me thinking. I wrote this poem sitting in this square:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Catedral_de_Las_Palmas_de_Gran_Canaria.jpg
I was the only tourist and, apart from my pale complexion, shorts and sandals (everyone else was wearing jeans and jumpers), I think I blended in well.
Of course, in an alternate universe things would be perfect
I gave the speech and,
despite your objections,
I used the nitrous oxide.
It wasn’t pretty but I think I made my point.
The groom’s mother looked at me with murderous intent;
it’s the same expression whenever we meet.
I can see she’s planning a few frames in advance;
looking at my throat like it’d be no trouble.
She’d have a fresh pair of marigolds in her handbag,
bought from a supermarket out of town, with cash.
She’d just have to rinse them under a tap,
run a bit of washing-up liquid over them.
No one would suspect a thing:
the gloves would go to the Shrewsbury
WI;
she’d put them in the Men’s lavs at St Peter’s
during one of their monthly meetings.
Nothing ever happened at St Peter’s, she’d think;
they couldn’t even shift Joan’s sponge there,
and the steward was the only man
who ever went near the place.
Her domestic automatons-of-a-certain-age
would encase me in pastry
and my flesh to raise enough money
for a whole school, with a teacher.
She thanked me for being best man;
her eyes narrowed and she applied foundation.
I said it was no trouble when
really I meant: ‘Make your move.’