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December 22, 2009

Overheard at Warwick

A: How would you describe yourself in one word?

B: Cold.

A: In three words?

B: So very cold. Did you like that Sheela na Gig carving I gave you?

A: I liked it very much.

B: I’m glad you liked it very much.

A: I was being sarcastic. It’s disgusting.

B: So was I. I’m distinctly not glad you like it.

A: Does your foot still hurt?

B: After the accident?

A: No, I meant after the birth.

B: So you meant after the accident?

A: Don’t mock me.

B: I’m not mocking you. I’m just mocking your phobia of things that touch water by three sides.

A: You do not scare me.

B: I am not a peninsula, so I am not surprised.

A: I also have a great pain in my foot. In future, I must be more careful with the umbrella.

B: Where is it?

A: Below the ankle.

B: Even when it rains?

A: I was talking about my foot, not my umbrella.

B: So was I.

A: It’s so painful, I will have my funeral next week.

B: I will bring balloons.

A: Why?

B: All funerals have balloons. Black ones, obviously.

A: For every balloon you provide, I’ll hand out a needle to a mourner to pop it.

B: Ah, but I’ll hide something inappropriate inside the balloon that’ll only be released if popped.

A: They can throw it away.

B: Not if it’s carbon monoxide.

A: Carbon monoxide is solid in-between -205 °C and -192 °C. Then it can be thrown away.

B: Won’t that be cold?

A: We’ll just have to wear warm coats.

B: And a scarf.

C: I’m not a part of this conversation.

A: Last night, I had a dream where I drowned in pools of my own blood. I don’t know what it means; I just know that it’s not good.

B: What it is a coat?

A: ?

B: If you include Antarctica, there are only six consonants. Oh, not consonants, I meant compliments.

A: I’ve heard it lovely there.

B: I’ve heard it’s lonely there.


A: Graveyards aren’t lonely. It’s a party with dead people who can’t leave.

B: Several years from now, there’ll be so many deaths that the whole planet will be a massive cemetery to fit everyone. I read it in a newspaper.

A: Newspapers are false. I read that a scientist chemistrated that the best part of a roller coaster is going down at a terrifying speed because everyone subconsciously wants to die.

B: But that sounds true.

A: Then why is everyone so relieved at the end of the journey?

B: Because the drive home from the amusement park is the Afterlife, and the traffic jam is Limbo.

A: No, because I made it all up. Even about funerals having balloons.

B: But I’m the one who said that.

A: Sorry, I confused our two characters.

B: I hurt it running for the bus.

A: There is nothing more enjoyable than watching someone run for the bus.

B: There is something more enjoyable than watching someone run for mayor.

A: The pen is mightier than the words.

B: I did, but with a few extra syllables.

A: ?

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