Overheard at Warwick
A: How would you describe yourself in one word?
A: In three words?
B: So very cold. Did you like that Sheela na Gig carving I gave you?
A: I liked it very much.
B: I’m glad you liked it very much.
A: I was being sarcastic. It’s disgusting.
B: So was I. I’m distinctly not glad you like it.
A: Does your foot still hurt?
B: After the accident?
A: No, I meant after the birth.
B: So you meant after the accident?
A: Don’t mock me.
B: I’m not mocking you. I’m just mocking your phobia of things that touch water by three sides.
A: You do not scare me.
B: I am not a peninsula, so I am not surprised.
A: I also have a great pain in my foot. In future, I must be more careful with the umbrella.
B: Where is it?
A: Below the ankle.
B: Even when it rains?
A: I was talking about my foot, not my umbrella.
B: So was I.
A: It’s so painful, I will have my funeral next week.
B: I will bring balloons.
B: All funerals have balloons. Black ones, obviously.
A: For every balloon you provide, I’ll hand out a needle to a mourner to pop it.
B: Ah, but I’ll hide something inappropriate inside the balloon that’ll only be released if popped.
A: They can throw it away.
B: Not if it’s carbon monoxide.
A: Carbon monoxide is solid in-between -205 °C and -192 °C. Then it can be thrown away.
B: Won’t that be cold?
A: We’ll just have to wear warm coats.
B: And a scarf.
C: I’m not a part of this conversation.
A: Last night, I had a dream where I drowned in pools of my own blood. I don’t know what it means; I just know that it’s not good.
B: What it is a coat?
B: If you include Antarctica, there are only six consonants. Oh, not consonants, I meant compliments.
A: I’ve heard it lovely there.
B: I’ve heard it’s lonely there.
A: Graveyards aren’t lonely. It’s a party with dead people who can’t leave.
B: Several years from now, there’ll be so many deaths that the whole planet will be a massive cemetery to fit everyone. I read it in a newspaper.
A: Newspapers are false. I read that a scientist chemistrated that the best part of a roller coaster is going down at a terrifying speed because everyone subconsciously wants to die.
B: But that sounds true.
A: Then why is everyone so relieved at the end of the journey?
B: Because the drive home from the amusement park is the Afterlife, and the traffic jam is Limbo.
A: No, because I made it all up. Even about funerals having balloons.
B: But I’m the one who said that.
A: Sorry, I confused our two characters.
B: I hurt it running for the bus.
A: There is nothing more enjoyable than watching someone run for the bus.
B: There is something more enjoyable than watching someone run for mayor.
A: The pen is mightier than the words.
B: I did, but with a few extra syllables.