Little tin clattering
for your dust and papers
- I: “craft kit for grown-ups.”
But I’m too advanced in youth
to develop a casual addiction now.
Too calculating to speak,
I leave the wine
- each drop has smarted my tongue,
and put it down
needing to fulfil my mission of speech.
Enough’s down already and I don’t
need to be filled.
Just look at your full lips
and teddy-bear eyes
- push your black hair back little girl
and take a deep intake of mystery.
You always had
to wait to get
far enough away from your house
to let your lungs full.
3 comments by 1 or more people
Wine and cigarettes – it’s like a poem about my favorite breakfast.
The whole thing is pretty accomplished at letting us know what’s happening without saying it outright – ‘craft kit for grown-ups’ is an awesome little euphemism.
The only line in it that sort of grates is ‘take a deep intake of mystery’. I mean there’s the clash of the 2 rival ‘take’s in the line and then an ‘intake of mystery’ seems to be a much more mainstream image to use when compared to the rest of the piece. You can kind of imagine a film noir narrator saying it.
All in all good stuff though, nice work getting your formatting to work.
02 Aug 2007, 11:47
A man after my own heart; I’m just about to go and pour some southern comfort on my cornflakes.
Formatting… I muddled through it trial and error… ended up having to edit the HTML source myself… it was getting unpleasant, muttering rude words and banging my fists on the bed in an effort to redress the imbalence of power present in the universe, inherent in the blogging website’s refusal to do my bidding.
The mystery line is a little bit crass, or a lot bit, i agree. But because the physical sensations of doing it properly (and enjoying it) are something i’ve never experianced, I was writing about my experiance of observing, without being tempted to throw in a few stabs at what it might be like. It was difficult for me to write a poem about something I don’t do in the first place. Well, I did once – I didn’t inhale though… but yes, that line needs re-thinking in order to move it beyond the pedestrian.
Surprised you didn’t point out the clash of ‘speak/speech’ in the first stanza. I mean, what is that about?? :)
02 Aug 2007, 14:34
speak / speech isn’t so bad but ‘mission of speech’ – you should be aware of how ‘USA political objective’ it sounds. In a love-able way.
I suppose it’s easy for mr. Smoker to say but I would recommend inhaling. just once. just to raise your eyebrow to what you’re writing about. Then write a poem about drinking and smoking – nobody’ll tell your parents!
03 Aug 2007, 01:05
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