All entries for Thursday 14 February 2008

February 14, 2008


Fitting the occasion (Valentinsday), an entry about love. Well, being in love. At the moment I've a crush on a guy and if I don't do anything about it soon is going to kill me. Sometimes I really hate being in love. Especially when the feeling is not reciprocated. But I guess that's the same with everybody. I can't concentrate on anything which is quite a problem when I have to study. And I never know how to show him that I like him. Just to make one thing clear: I'm shy. As in extremely shy when it comes to guys. I just can't ask them out or tell them that I'm interested, hence follows that I'm absolutly rubbish at flirting. When I'm around him I'm so nervous that I can't get a word out or when I manage that it's just rubbish. Sometimes I wish I could read minds. That would make life so much easier in some aspects. But on the other side all this uncertainty and nervousness belongs to being in love and without it the whole thing wouldn't be as exciting. So far there've hardly been any signs that he might be interested in me. I know that this means that he is most likely not interested or just doesn't see me like that. I wrote I know this. But actually accepting this is so damned hard. My mind keeps yelling at me that I should just give up because there is no chance. Yet at the same time my heart puts up an epic fight and just won't accept that, even though there's no hope left. It's so stupid. I know I won't have a chance and yet I still hope for a chance that doesn't exist. Emotions can be so contradictory! That's what's killing me. This constant back and forth of my feelings. It's like one second I'm happy and the next one I'm seriously depressed. Drowning my feelings in alcohol turned out to be not the smartest idea I had what with the massive hangover I'm having now. Well it was worth a try. I'm quite at a loss what to do. I could always just confess my feelings for him but my fear of rejection prevents me effectively from doing just that. It probably is indeed the best to simply boycott this stupid day and do nothing. But I know that tomorrow I'll regret not having done anything. Stupid me! So most likely I'll do something stupid and embarrassing tonight just before going to bed and tomorrow I'd do anything to turn back in time and undo whatever I've done because I won't be able to even look at him when seeing him the next time so mortified I'll be. It's so stupid because I already know all this and nevertheless I'll do it exactly like that. One should think human beings are capable of learning from their mistakes. I'm not so sure 'bout that, at least not when it comes to me. Ach scheiße I'll just tell him, or maybe not...what if he rejects me??? Can somebody please shoot me and stop that madness?!? 

February 2008

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