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September 14, 2005
This week has seen a surge in the use of petrol stations after the Supermarkets ran out of Milk Chocolate Hob-Nobs. This is because there are fears that the supply of Hob-Nobs may be cut off completely if plans for a bloackade of Hobs goes ahead. There are no fears of a shortage of Nobs, as anyone who goes in HMV will tell you there is an abundance of people buying James Blunt CDs. Indeed the amount of Nobs in this country alone would be enough to theoretically last until 2:34pm January 6th 3512 (approx.)
Mass queues have formed outside petrol stations across the country with the media fueling the situation out of all proportion. Queues as long as ten miles, or 160,000 Hob-Nob tubes stacked in a line, have formed as people are worried that they might run out of Hob-Nobs before the end of the week.
The proposed blockade of Hobs is because of spiraling Hob-tax and a general rising trend in the price of Hobs. Over the summer the poor weather and enthralling Ashes Series have resulted in lots of people staying inside and drinking tea and eating Hob-Nobs, resulting in a Hob crisis as suppliers bumped up prices to match the demand. Tautologically students, slackers and fat people are furious that their number one pastime now costs so much and are wanting to "sit around and be lazy."
One worried customer had this to say: "I'm worried because next week it's my turn to host the Wooly Hat Wearing Club Afternoon Tea, without out a good supply of Hob-Nobs I'll be a laughing stock. I know that it's still a week away but you have to be sure." One Hob-Nob buyer claimed to have enough Hob-Nobs to last until the next time England win the Ashes Series.
Consumer groups are angry with the government, claiming the high tax on Hobs is an attempt to force people to be more healthy. The reasoning is that many people may have to resort to eating horrible fruit if they can no longer afford Hob-Nobs.
On a happier note the heroic England cricket team has deservedly been able to sort out a supply of Hob-Nobs for their celebrations over the coming weeks. This month was Kevin Pieterson's turn to get the shopping in and after struggling to find anywhere selling Hob-Nobs he made the most of other shoppers' inability to hold on to Hob-Nob tubes: "There's been a lot of pressure on me, I've copped a bit of stick this week. Fortunately a few catches went down and I took full advantage."
Other Hob-Nob lovers may not be so fortunate but are urged not to buy unecessary supplies as the government is certain a fuel scale crisis can be averted if everyone stays sensible.
June 02, 2005
Admission to Silverstone for an F1 test… free
Lotus patch for my bag… £4
Water… free from the tap
Ingredients for sandwich at lunch… 40p (approx.)
Chocolate bar at lunch… part a multipack bought by a relative
Money for petrol… refused
Seeing your heroes in action… priceless
Some things in life money can't buy, for everything else blag, scrounge, barter, freeload, borrow and steal.
Put up with on campuses around the world.