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August 10, 2005

Guide to going to a football match

Most bloggers are far too middle class to ever go to anything so common as a football match, but should you do so here are some points to bear in mind:

1. The referee is always a "w&!£er". Only this insult will ever do. He is not a tw@t or a k%"b. He is a w&!£er. Every decision he makes is wrong. You know this even when you're fifty times further away from the incident than him.

2. Don't be confused by the crowd asking "Who are you?" This is not an attempt to ascertain who the opposition team is. They already know. It is intended to belittle them, suggesting that they barely register on your radar.

3. Don't worry about what noise to make if your team scores a goal. Scientists have tried for years to understand what people shout when their team scores but have had no success. Nobody knows. It isn't "Goal!" or "Yes! We've scored!" If you ask a football fan (Don't try one of the ones wearing a cap. They will probably be working class, *gasp*) they won't be able to tell you either.

4. The offside rule is thus: when the opposition team gets too near your goal, they are are offside. When your team gets near the opposition goal they are onside. Assistant referees or linesmen/lineswomen (they're the ones who run up and down the lines) who don't enforce this rule are also "w&!£ers".

5. When you hear a crowd of Hull City fans shouting that they are "by far the greatest team the world has ever seen", don't answer in a pub quiz that the team who has won the most league titles is Hull. It is just a chant used as an attempt at bravado.

6. If you're six years old and about to go to a football match, don't.

7. You know more about football tactics than your team's manager. Don't be fooled by his decades of experience.

8. If you want to buy a match day programme you need to take out a small personal loan beforehand.


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